as the au turns

I.

The commissary was unusually quiet. In fact the only people occupying it were the staff and SG-1. Irritated staff members mopped the floor and cleaned tables around Jack, Daniel, Teal'c and Sam who had been sitting around for a good two hours now.

In the beginning there had been conversation, but now it all seemed to have come to a stand still as the four sat staring at nothing in particular.

"So...." Daniel began.

"What?" Jack said eager for conversation.

"What?" Daniel said wondering if he'd missed something.

"You say something?" Jack looked a little befuddled.

Daniel gave Jack an awkward look. "Um... no."

Jack sighed and went back to staring at the table. "Sandy loves Dean," he said reading a scribble. "Who the hell are Sandy and Dean?"

Sam sank into thought for a while. "Sandy, I think she's an SF. Red head. Has a nervous tick."

"I believe you are talking about Mandy, MajorCarter," Teal'c said.

Daniel shook his head. "No, Mandy's the one that smells of sherbet dip."

Teal'c raised his eyebrow. "I believe you may be referring to Herbert Hicks who I recall you said smelt of sand, Daniel Jackson."

They all stared at each other for a moment.

"That still doesn't answer who Dean is," Jack said taking out his pen and writing on the table 'next time be more specific'.

Sam sighed. "This is ridiculous. We've been in here for two hours now."

"Any idea when the system'll be online again?" Daniel asked.

Sam shook her head. "No. Looks like my last attempt to reboot somehow fried everything even further. General Hammond won't even let me near a computer."

Jack nodded. "Yeah. But that's because you used the word hotwire, I believe."

Daniel frowned. "Isn't hot wire two words?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "How can it be two words? Hotwire. One word."

"Um hot and wire? We can check it out you know. I have like twenty dictionaries in my office."

"I bet that's just one's in English, right?" Jack said with a facetious grin.

Daniel shifted his gaze for a moment. "Well... it pays to be sure."

Teal'c seemed to expel something similar to a sigh. "This situation is most unbearable."

Jack looked at the irritated Jaffa. "We borin' you big fella?"

"It has been three days O'Neill and we have done nothing but exhaust our conversing capabilities while sitting here drinking an assortment of badly prepared beverages."

Sam shrugged. "There's nothing we can do Teal'c. We can't go off world without getting control of the iris again and we can't go outside until General Hammond gives security the all clear. We shouldn't really complain. I mean, technically it is our fault."

"Excuse me?" Jack gave a surprised look.

"It is not," Teal'c stated.

Sam looked slightly dejected. "Well...."

"Did I not say 'hey Carter, don't touch anything' and 'no, I don't think we should bring it back it back'?"

Sam nodded sheepishly. "Yes sir."

"I don't think you're really being fair Jack."

"Hey, you can talk! Mr 'I agree with Carter, maybe we could learn something about their civilization.'"

Daniel averted Jack's accusing gaze. "That's not true. I would never call Sam, Carter."

"Hey ,Teal'c, didn't I say we should leave the device alone?"

"You did, O'Neill."

"And didn't I say we should not turn it on?"

"You did, O'Neill."

"And what did they do?"

"The complete opposite, O'Neill."

Sam and Daniel looked at each other and then back at Jack and Teal'c. "We didn't mean to," they said in unison.

"Yeah well... Hammond says it's gonna take at least another week to fix things around here. Until then we're just going to have to put up with people sticking pins into their voodoo dolls of us because they can't leave the base."

"That's not true. Some people love being here all the time," Sam said in a somewhat offended tone.

Jack gave Sam an even look. "Yeah but, I wasn't talking about you and Daniel. Teal'c lives here and even he spends less time on base than you two."

The group reverted back into bored silence for a moment.

"Don't you two have experiments to run or stuff to translate?" Jack said slumping backwards in his chair.

"I finished my backlog of stuff yesterday," Daniel said with a disappointed look.

"General Hammond's revoked my experimentation privileges," Sam said looking embarrassed.

Daniel and Jack looked at Teal'c whose face broke into a smile. Both Jack and Daniel promptly started to laugh as Sam turned a bright red.

"That's not funny," Sam said before she also started to laugh. "Well... maybe it is a little."

The laughter subsided and once again they all sat back into silence. A few people entered the commissary and threw threatening glances over at SG-1 before sitting down far away.

"You know, if we had that alternate reality mirror right now? I'd gladly jump through it straight into someone's zat blast," Jack grumbled.

"Do we still have that thing?" Daniel looked at Sam.

Sam nodded back. "Area 51."

Daniel looked puzzled. "Here's a question. Why aren't we exploring through that thing? I mean, surely that mirror is even more important than the Stargate. Traveling through alternate realities is much more advanced than traveling through wormholes right?"

Sam nodded vigorously, "Oh yeah. I can't even begin to figure out how that mirror works. I'm guessing it creates some kind of a tear through the fabric of time space reality in the same way the gate is able to create a wormhole between two points. We should really run more tests on it."

Daniel looked engrossed and nodded slowly. "So how many alternate realities are we talking about anyway?"

Sam shrugged. "We're talking infinite possibilities here. You wouldn't even be able to begin to calculate a number. There's a road not taken for every choice you make."

"Cool. That means there's a version of me out there that didn't total his car on his eighteenth birthday," Jack said with a smile.

"But the realities can't differ that much right? I mean, we've already seen that they mirror our own realities pretty close."

"Well, I assume because there are certain defining events in all realties, it means even though the alternate reality might differ considerably, a high proportion will still remain the same. But there's no way of knowing that for sure."

"In which case there may be a reality which could differ considerably," Teal'c commented

"Possibly," Sam said.

"Wow, so there could be this completely different version of our reality out there?" Daniel said raising his eyebrows in question.

"Yeah," Sam replied.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Please. How different could it be?"

*

Cheyenne Mountain. A hotbed of activity where the cultural experts of the world lived and breathed a phenomena known as the Stargate. The SGC was a globally funded institution to further the knowledge of the origins of human civilization and as yet a well kept secret from the inhabitants of Earth. It had once been a military facility funded by the government, but one night in a drunken card game, a President Bush lost his hand and the Stargate to a much more cultured and groomed individual that worked for the Guggenheim. Since then the SGC project was fully under the control of one Doctor Daniel Jackson who only answered to the financiers of the project.

It was agreed upon that some kind of protection for the facility would still be needed, so the people that ran the SGC decided they would let the government keep a little corner of their facility in order to be able to protect Earth adequately. Of course, this corner would have to be shared with liaisons from other parts of the world too. So as things progressed, Cheyenne became home to mostly cultural experts, scientists and finally military personnel that were in charge of threat assessment and kicking Goa'uld ass.

Initially, Daniel had opened the gate while it was still a military project. The first mission had its ups and downs, but in the end he had helped send Colonel O'Neill and his team home, while he stayed on Abydos.

Abydos had not worked out too well. His life partner had become sick of how frequent Daniel's headaches seemed to be and had run off with a local yashmak trader. Random meaningless sexual encounters helped to heal some of the pain of parting, but more than anything Daniel wanted to go back home. It was around this time of discontent that he found a building with many symbols. Having much time on his hands and suffering from extreme boredom, he figured out quickly that they were all addresses to other planets. Only they never worked when he tried them.

Then one day a Kleenex box flew through a hole in the rocks that covered the gate and hit Daniel square on the nose, making him sneeze for an hour. It could only be one man. Eagerly he sent a message back and before long Jack was back with Kawalsky and Ferretti and an angry looking woman by the name of Sam Carter. It turned out she wasn't mean or anything, she just seemed very grumpy all the time.

On that same day Daniel found out that a visitor had come through the gate, looked at everyone in the gate room in Cheyenne with disgust and then just left. Obviously everyone back on Earth was worried about whom they had just been snubbed by. Daniel decided to show Jack the room with the addresses and Sam confirmed Daniel's theory that the gate probably went to other places while adding, 'wow, you don't look smart enough to figure that out.'

On returning to the gate, they found the place had been trashed, a few people lay bruised and beaten and pornographic graffiti had been painted on the walls.

Daniel overcome with emotion had looked at the walls and said, "How could someone desecrate history like that?"

Luckily Ferretti had seen the symbols of where these hooligans went, just before he passed out from all the moonshine. Daniel returned to Earth, figuring it would be the best place to explore the universe from should the military controllers allow it. On going back he met one General Hammond. A portly and jovial fellow who took an instant like to Daniel and gave the go ahead on seeing where Ferreti's symbols would take them.

The place had turned out to be Chulak. In their explorational meandering, they managed to be captured by the local Goa'uld Apophis. They found themselves thrown into a prison where the gods would come to choose a host. The experience had been humiliating. A man had grabbed Daniel's face and looked it over and then moved on to some guy with a beard making Daniel exclaim, "Hey! What's wrong with me? You'll never find this kind of bone structure anywhere else!"

After the 'chosen ones' were dragged out kicking and screaming, Apophis ordered to kill the rest of the prisoners even though letting them go would have been less of a mess.

The head guard had seemed an interesting type to Jack and he went out on a limb and said, "Let me help these people!"

The guard had turned around and looked at them sitting there and laughed his ass off. "Surely you jest. You are not even in a position to wipe your nose."

Jack was offended. "No... I am being serious."

The guard seemed to think for a while and then lowered his staff. He turned to his men and spoke. "What do you say?"

A guard raised his hand. "Uh, Master Teal'c? I'm supposed to be going home early. Bi'narr's mother is visiting and if I'm late...." He didn't finish as the other guards started sniggering while one made a whipping noise inside his helmet.

"Silence!" Teal'c shouted.

"Uh Master Teal'c?" Another soldier spoke, "I say we let them go. It'll take all night to shovel these bodies and I'd like to be home on time. For a change."

Teal'c nodded. "Very well. Let them go."

Bewildered with the turn of events, people quickly left the building. Teal'c decided to walk Daniel, Jack and Sam to the gate, where their friends were waiting for them while asking them questions about Earth. He also gave them a warning.

"The Goa'uld know of your presence. You would be wise to practice vigilance."

"Why are you telling us this?" Daniel said.

"I am not fond of the Goa'uld. They have enslaved my people. I am Jaffa, bred to serve so the Goa'uld may live," Teal'c said revealing the symbiote in his stomach and making Jack, Daniel and Sam jump back a mile.

"Wow, that’s uh, that's disgusting," Daniel said in shock.

"Try keeping one of these things inside of you," Teal'c said with annoyance.

"If you don't like em', why work for them?" Jack said trying to keep his lunch down as Teal'c's symbiote retreated back into his stomach.

"It pays well," Teal'c said matter-of-factly. "You will find it to be a most highly paid job. I could quite comfortably support a family in Apophis' service. As it is, I am keeping three betroths on the strength of this post alone."

"Pig," Sam had muttered.

"Yeah well, the strength of your post aside...." Jack heard Daniel snigger somewhere behind him, "if you don't like your boss you should quit. It's not all about the money you know. Come with us, we could use your knowledge of the Goa'uld. Wouldn't you rather be helping people?"

Teal'c had thought for a moment and then accepted the offer. Later he would tell them that his main reason for skipping town was the three betroths.

And thus SG-1 was formed to explore and bring back technology to make their government stronger. Until the President lost that card game, after which the prime directive was to search and explore and learn. On the announcement that control of Cheyenne had been handed over to Doctor Jackson, many had gawped in shock and horror and wondered how such a thing was possible. No one had however noticed a small dark silver vial that Doctor Jackson wore around his neck that just happened to contain some very strong nishta. It was one of the nicer things Daniel had picked up from a random meaningless fling.

Cheyenne was a relaxed, laid back place with tasteful art on the warm colored walls, with plush carpeting and a no uniform rule. Except on the military floors where the personnel refused to be out of uniform and refused to have the concrete painted. Daniel didn't really care. He let the military section play their little games and go kick ass whenever necessary. As Hammond had retired, Jack was in command of all the military units. Sam, still a practicing Major, was made head of the science department while Teal'c worked between being a diplomat, trainer and lecturer in 'martial arts and aesthetics' and translator.

In Daniel's opinion, life could not be better. He couldn't imagine the SGC in any other way. Their lives seemed to be passing without trauma which was always a good thing.

Daniel walked along a warmly glowing corridor, dusty old book in hand, and at ease in his black jeans and black shirt with open cuffs and open top button, his face feeling light without the glasses that laser surgery had rid him of. Not even in his wildest dreams had he imagined living the life he was living. A happy life. There were days when he would lie in bed thinking about the things that could have gone wrong. Sometimes he wondered what life would have been like had his spouse not left him broken-hearted. However, the torrid affair across the sand dunes of Abydos with a gruff stubbled camel trader had been of great help. Daniel suppressed a laugh, biting back his smile as he thought of Jamal, the universe's least inhibited camel trader.

Jamal with stubble that left stinging scratches. Jamal who knew tricks. Jamal who had an incredibly deep voice and talked like 'theese... ah Danyel, come. Tich me maw ov jur Eeenglish."

"What are you smiling at?"

Daniel watched Jack walk towards him, a bemused smile on his face. As ever, he was adhering to military rules with his immaculate hair and BDU's. As ever, Daniel pined deep inside of him. Low deep inside of him. Low down dirty deep inside of him.

Okay, stop it, Daniel told himself as he closed his eyes to will the blood flow back north.

"Nothing, just thinking," Daniel tried not to stammer.

Jack rolled his eyes, "Hmm. Let me guess. Jamal the camel guy."

Daniel frowned, "Uh..."

"You've got the look."

"The look?"

"Yes, the look."

Daniel laughed. "Oh," he said as a warm feeling spread through him at the thought that Jack remembered and noted such things.

"You get a haircut?" Jack said tilting his head to get a better look.

Daniel smiled. "Yes. Why?"

"Nothing. Looks good," Jack said shrugging.

Daniel smiled, trying not to look besotted. “Um… thank you.”

Jack grinned and nodded.

"You guys are really living it up huh?" Jack said looking at a reproduction of the Mona Lisa that hung on the opposite wall.

Daniel looked up at the painting. "Jack, you have an allowance to redecorate. You guys just choose to be all concrete and gray."

Jack puffed out his chest and squared his shoulders. "We are men."

Daniel suppressed a laugh as he glanced at Jack and then back at the painting.

They both stood watching the painting for a while as if it might move or do something different to what is usually did.

"I hate this painting," Jack said suddenly.

Daniel looked at Jack, clearly perplexed. "Really? Why?"

"It's totally creepy."

"It is?"

"Yeah, look at her. That whole thing about the smile. Is she smiling? What's she smiling about? Is she amused? Happy? Does she have gas? I think it's way more than that?"

"What?" Daniel asked quietly.

"I think it's more. Like she knows something. Something horrible. Something to turn everything upside down. Meaning of life stuff," Jack said nodding at the painting as Daniel stared in rapture.

"Know what I mean?" Jack asked.

"No," Daniel said barely audible, "Say more."

"Well, it's either something horrible, or...."

"There's an or?"

"There's always an or. I think she's just sad."

Daniel turned to the picture to look for signs of sadness. "Sad?"

"Yeah. Mona here, she's totally sick of pretending to be something she's not. He's telling her to smile to make it a nice picture, but no matter how much she tries, the old gal just can't do it. She's so sick of pretending. I really really hate this painting."

Jack turned and looked at Daniel who stood staring as though he was looking at a horrific car crash.

"What?" Jack asked.

Daniel realized he was staring and shook his head to escape the stupor, "Ah, well there is another... theory."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, I read somewhere that she was actually smiling in amusement because she had found out that Leonardo da Vinci was straight."

Jack smiled, "No kidding."

"It's probably just another myth. He probably wanted the painting to be ambiguous."

"So, Leo was straight huh?"

"Well, all the evidence points in that direction."

"Bet that pisses off some people," Jack said casually.

"Yeah. Probably stuffy old-school scholars. Bigoted idiots if you ask me."

"Probably."

"Anyway, I don't see the big deal. I mean Alexander the Great was probably straight and he was one of the greatest men ever. I don't see what sexual preference has to do with anything."

Jack nodded slowly as he listened, "Well not everyone thinks like you Daniel. In the military if a guy is even suspected of being straight, he'll be spending most of his time with his head down the jon."

Daniel visibly stiffened, "You think like that?"

Jack shook his head, "No. Not me. But I know people who do."

"They need their asses kicked," Daniel said matter-of-factly.

Jack laughed, "Yes they do, Doctor Jackson."

Jack sighed, quite forlorn and started to walk away. Daniel turned around and grabbed Jack's arm, relishing the feeling of warm muscle beneath the shirt material.

"Hey, you okay?"

Jack smiled and patted Daniel's hand, "Peachy. I'll see you later."

Daniel watched Jack disappear down the corridor and then turned back to the painting on the wall.

*

Jack kept walking until he had reached the comforting cold concrete walls of the military levels of Cheyenne. There was a lot of comfort in those dull lifeless walls that stopped Jack from going crazy. Taking a deep breath Jack made his way to his office, previously General Hammond's office. Jack had assumed that with Daniel running things he might want to ride shotgun by procuring the office that was closest to the gate. But instead Jack had been handed it over complete with red ribbon tied across the doorway courtesy of the smitten archaeologist. At times like that, Jack felt a complete fraud.

Pretty depressed, Jack walked into his office to find Sam sitting on the edge of his desk, Rubix cube in hand with all the colors perfectly aligned. Something Jack had been trying to do for the last three months with the aide of peeling stickers off and re-sticking them. Jack frowned at the cube and removed it from Sam’s hands.

“How’d you do that?”

Sam cleared her throat, “Well, I may be socially inept, but apparently I’m good at this kind of crap.”

Jack went around the desk and put the cube into his desk while still keeping an eye on Sam. He wondered for a moment if Sam knew her hair had turned a serious shade of black. Most people would notice something like that, but Sam had the habit of being quite absent minded.

Jack decided to broach the subject. “You know your hair’s black right?”

Sam nodded. “I dyed it. Made the dye myself too. It lasts ten times longer than any normal dye.”

Jack raised his eyebrows and walked back around the desk. He cautiously took a strand of her hair between his fingers. “Is that, safe?”

Sam nodded. “Oh yeah. I added some nutrients into it too. Right now I’m absorbing ten kinds of different elements that have known neural stimulators. My hair is actually making me smarter.”

“Wow. That’s scary. Hey, think I can get a nutmeg brown in that?”

Sam grinned. No matter how much she tried to act on her her anti-social urges, Jack O’Neill always made her laugh. It was a fact of life that Jack O’Neill was the nicest guy on base. It was a mystery why some equally nice guy hadn’t snapped him up yet. All bets had been on Daniel Jackson, but nothing seemed to be developing in that area.

Sam watched as Jack went back behind the desk and sat down in his chair making a million squeaking noises in the process.

“Okay, Major, business time. Get your butt off my desk,” Jack said waving his hand in Sam’s direction.

Sam took a more soldier-like stance, hands behind her back. “P3X-791, Sir.”

“What about it?”

Sam instantly became excited, her blue eyes lighting up to make her hair and crimson lips seem even darker. “There’s this building....”

“Anh!” Jack held up his finger. “If you’re going to ask me for back up so you can go into some building to bring back weird machines that make bad things happen, the answer is no.”

“But sir, this building....”

“Major? No. You’ve already brought back something that made people’s hair fall out, gave half the base diarrhea, mutated a mouse into some kind of mongoose and that machine that made that really high pitched noise. Remember that? How annoying was that?”

“Sir....”

“Carter no. I’m not having you bring back some thing that might turn peoples asses purple or something.”

Sam sighed. “But we have to study it. It’s amazing. It lights up and makes all these funky sounds.”

“It’s called a music box, Carter. I’ll get you one if it means anything. Now get outta here and play with one of your experiments. I’ve got Mr. Bad News from the Octagon coming down in ten minutes.”

“What for?”

“I dunno. They probably wanna ream me about something completely out of my hands. Again. Assholes.”

“Can’t they do that over the phone?”

“Sure, but apparently Major Davis just lives to read the reports on our missions. He thinks it’s all just so amazing that he has to come down here even if it’s just to tell us what the weather's like in Washington."

Sam started to grin and Jack stared back confused. “What?”

“Not my place to say.”

“Well say it anyway.”

“I’d just be careful if I were you,” Sam said conspiratorially. “Word on the grapevine is that Major Davis has a thing for Daniel. And since I have odds on you and Daniel getting together it’s in my interest to tell you to get off your lazy ass and get some action... Sir.”

“Major? That’s the door. Close it on your way out.”

Sam grinned and made her way to the door, “You snooze you lose sir.”

Sam shut the door behind her just before the Rubix cube hit it with a loud thud.

*

Sam made her way down towards the infirmary. She was having a good day. She felt good. Maybe it was the hair. It was certainly drawing a lot of attention.

“MajorCarter,” Teal’c’s voice called out from behind.

Sam stopped and turned to see Teal’c walking towards her, wearing the tightest t-shirt and pants ever. The man was a walking sculpture. His blond hair was cut short to the head and he had one thin preened line of facial hair from the tip of his chin to under his lip. The man was always smiling and amiable. Half the base was lusting after him.

“Hey Teal’c.”

Teal’c smiled at her in his usual jovial style as he fell into stride next to her. “You look most attractive today, MajorCarter. Your hair has a most alluring quality to it.”

“Thanks Teal’c. And no, we can never be more than friends.”

Teal’c’s face became sullen, “Surely one can burn with unrequited passions.”

Sam looked at her friend. “If it’s any consolation, if you were a woman, I’d be all over you like a cheap suit.”

Teal’c sighed. “You have said that many times. It does not become any more comforting.”

“Sorry. I just can’t think of you in that way. Well, unless you had breasts.”

Teal’c raised an eyebrow. “O’Neill has said that I am very close to having cleavage. Is that not sufficient enough?”

Sam stared back flatly.

“I see,” Teal’c said with another sigh. “This world is most complicated. You should take my advice MajorCarter. You will never find a woman that imbues qualities such as mine.”

Sam grinned. “I don’t doubt that for a second.”

“Mock me if you wish. I shall take my shattered heart and perform my kel’no’reem whilst you find a suitable pair of breasts to cavort with,” Teal’c said walking off and disappearing around the corner, leaving Sam with a big smile on her face.

*

Daniel lay on the couch in his office watching the wall mounted flat screen as it showed footage of the last expedition he had been a part of. He was finding it difficult to concentrate, his mind still on Jack and the conversation they had in the morning.

Sighing, Daniel forced himself to watch the television, a humiliating scene from when he took one step too many and fell into a grave filled with pottery shards. Daniel cringed as the people in the scene burst out laughing. Jack appeared out of nowhere, P90 in hand and bitched at everyone as he pulled Daniel out of the grave. Daniel watched himself giving Jack a thank you to which Jack responded by giving Daniel a pat on the back. Daniel sighed again.

Just as he decided to do some unfinished work, a knock sounded at the door. Daniel got up from the couch and yelled, “Door's open.”

Another knock sounded and Daniel called out again, “Come in! Door's open.”

The door did not open. Instead another knock sounded. Rolling his eyes, Daniel made his way to the door while yelling at the door, “This isn’t funny Jack.”

Opening it, Daniel found the corridor to be empty. He walked outside and looked down the corridor in both directions to see if anyone was around. But nothing. For a moment he thought about invisible Goa’uld and Reetou. But then they didn’t really have the tendency to knock on doors and run off.

Grumbling under his breath, Daniel went back to his office and shut the door behind him. What he didn’t anticipate was being pushed against it hard and then being thoroughly kissed to hell and back. Lips pulled away and then pressed a smaller kiss against his before pulling back completely.

“Paul,” Daniel grinned at the man who stood pressed against him, palms against the door either side of his head.

Paul smiled back, “I called you.”

Daniel gave an awkward smile. “Uh... yeah. I know.”

“Twice. Left messages.”

Daniel looked away for a moment and then back at Paul’s smiling face. “I’m sorry?”

Paul sighed, “You break my heart, Doctor Jackson, you really do. Here I am hand delivering every silly little message from the Octagon, in the hope that you might give me a break. What do I have to do to get your attention?”

Daniel looked down at the insistent body pressed against places that needed little stimulation to become excited. “You uh... you have my attention. Trust me on that.”

Paul’s smile vanished to reveal a more serious expression as he fell into staring at Daniel. They stood quietly just looking at each other for a while.

“You know, I am... slightly... kind of... crazy about you,” Paul said slowly as he measured Daniel for a reaction. Daniel looked away, his face openly guilt-ridden.

Paul gave a hurt smile and pushed away from the door, going to sit on the edge of Daniel’s desk. “Well, how stupid do I feel?”

Daniel stayed standing by the door, his arms automatically coming up to wrap around himself as he watched Paul pick up his hat from the desk and trace the rim of it with this finger.

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” Daniel started cautiously, making Paul look up. “But, I'm... slightly... kind of... in the neighborhood of liking you a lot more than I should... too

Paul rolled his eyes. “Please, Doctor Jackson. Don’t get too emotional on my account.”

Daniel shook his head. “You don’t understand. It’s complicated.”

“Let me guess the name of this complication. Colonel Jack O’Neill. Why don’t you just accept he’s not interested Daniel?”

Daniel clenched his jaw, the sting hitting home. “It has nothing to do with that.”

“Well, would you like to know what I think?”

“Not particularly, no,” Daniel sniped.

“I can’t see how someone like him doesn’t notice someone like you literally waving naked in the wind to get some attention. If you ask me, I say the guy is straight. I can’t see any other explanation.”

“Wow that’s amazing.”

“What?”

“Oh nothing. Just the fact that underneath that uniform is the biggest asshole on the planet,” Daniel said nonchalantly.

Paul rolled his eyes in response and then got up from the desk. “I’m flying back to DC tomorrow Daniel. I’d like to get to know you past the random groping we’ve indulged in for the last six months. If you can find it in your heart maybe....”

Paul stopped and sighed. He looked up at Daniel, his face somewhat softening. Daniel saw the change and let his arms drop to his sides as he went back to lean against the door. Paul slowly walked up to him and then leaned against his shoulder, a small smile appearing. Daniel smiled back.

“I just don’t understand how someone can’t see, what I see.”

‘Oh,’ Daniel mouthed.

Paul nodded. “Yes. Oh. Hey, all I’m asking for is dinner. Maybe... dessert.”

Daniel grinned. “No sex?”

Paul shrugged. “If you insist, sure.”

Daniel started to laugh and then leaned to the side, tilting his face to kiss Paul, who reciprocated the gesture by leaning forward to touch lips for a brief moment.

“I do kind of… sort of… like you, you know?” Daniel whispered not moving back.

Paul stroked Daniel’s bottom lip with his thumb. “Have dinner with me tonight.”

“Paul...” Daniel began.

Paul put his hat on and picked up his briefcase from the ground. “Fine. Spend your evening having wet dreams about Colonel Jackass. I’m sure I can find better things to do.”

“There’s no need to be an ass,” Daniel said with annoyance.

“I’m not being an ass. I’m just wondering why you’re so hung up on a guy that probably hasn’t seen the inside of a gym since they were drafting for the civil war.”

Daniel stared crossly at Paul who yanked him aside and opened the door. “The civil war? Exactly how old do you think he is?”

Paul turned back and shrugged. “The word cradle-snatcher does comes to mind.”

Daniel pushed Paul out of the office. “One, he is not a cradle-snatcher and two, he works out every day, even though he doesn’t need to.”

Paul gave Daniel a rather facetious looking sympathetic smile. “And you would know this because you’ve been stalking him for the past how many years?”

“Okay, that’s it get out,” Daniel said as his face turned a deep red.

Paul rolled his eyes. “I’m not standing in your office you idiot.”

Paul watched as a small forced smile appeared on Daniel’s face and his eyelids fluttered a few times in obvious restrained anger.

“Come here,” Daniel said gesturing with a tilt of his head.

Paul frowned. “Why?”

“Just do it."

Paul cautiously stepped towards Daniel, eyeing him suspiciously, then feeling a little lust and distraction.

Daniel beckoned Paul to come closer and whispered, “You’re a dick.” Then he immediately slammed the door in Paul’s face.

Paul fell against the opposite wall with a thud, his hand instinctively going for his nose where the door had slammed it. He slid to the floor and closed his watering eyes as his nose throbbed painfully. Taking a handkerchief from his pocket he blew his aching nose and looked at the bloody expulsion. Paul stood up and instantly went to open the door which was now locked from the inside by the obviously psychotic object of his insane affections.

“Daniel! Open the door!” Paul banged his fist against the door.

“I’m sorry I can’t hear you. You’ll have to come back when I give a rat's ass,” came a very calm voice from the other side.

Paul stared resentfully at the door and muttered curses under his breath. Picking up his hat and briefcase from where they had fallen, he started to walk make his way to Colonel O’Neill’s office and wondered how he would explain a red inflated nose.

*

Jack frowned at the Rubix cube. Within ten minutes of Sam leaving, he had been able to mix up the colors again without any idea as to how he would realign them. Rolling his eyes he peeled off a red sticker and stuck it on to the desk. He then proceeded to take off a green to replace with the first red sticker. Half way through his re-stickering, a knock on the door sounded. Jack quickly picked up other stickers he had stuck on to the desk, along with the cube and threw everything into his top draw. He shut the draw with a loud bang and then picked up the receiver on the red phone.

"Come in," Jack shouted. As the door opened mid-way and he knew he was in visual distance, Jack turned to talk into the phone. "Well, thanks for calling Ma'am. Bye now."

Jack put the receiver down and stood up to greet Paul. Paul walked in and gave a text book salute. Jack returned a lazier but surely cooler version and then gestured to the chair in front of him.

"Thank you," Paul said sitting down. "I trust the President's well."

Jack looked at the phone and smiled. "Yeah. She was just ringing to say hey."

"From Greece?" Paul frowned.

Jack frowned for a second. "Well, considering I've saved the world a coupla times and Greece happens to be a particularly nice piece of the world, that's not really a biggie is it?" Jack sat down and leaned back in his leather chair, making it squeak until he was suitably comfortable.

Paul seemed to bristle as he gave a cold restrained smile. "Well, when you put it that way, I suppose it does make some sense."

Jack returned a tight-lipped smile before saying anything, in case he would say what he really felt. "So, Major. What can I do for... why is your nose so red?"

Paul blinked a few times, feeling quite idiotic. "I... had a small accident on the way here."

"What kind of accident?" Jack tried not smirk.

"Um... a door, unfortunately, slammed into my face and well, you can see the result."

"Yeah. You got a Rudolph thing going on there."

"Yes, sir. It seems so."

"A door huh? Should watch where you're goin'." Jack said with an annoyingly smug smile.

"Thank you sir. I'll hang on to that advice with a claw-like grip."

Jack frowned. "Swing by the infirmary on the way out. Make sure you didn't break anything."

"Yes sir," Paul said restraining the urge to bury his fist in Jack's face.

"So, on to business," Jack said with a smile.

Paul nodded. "I've been asked to go over some expenditure issues with you, Sir."

"Shouldn't you be taking that up with accounting?"

"Well, if it was on the larger scale maybe. This is more... local."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Local?"

Paul opened up his briefcase and took out two folders. He handed one to Jack and opened one up in front of him.

"It's come to our attention that there's a lot of unnecessary expenditure on this base...."

"I thought those big wig geeks were funding this place. I'm pretty sure the red carpet on level 23 is not military issue."

"Yes. You're right on that count. However, the private funding bodies complained that since most off world incidents are caused by military personnel, the government should make more of a contribution to the project instead of... whining like bitches on crack. Meredith Axewell's words, not mine. They believe since our military presence is quote unraveling the fabric of the universe end quote, we should perhaps shoulder a bigger responsibility in the running of a quote project that will destroy us and no doubt everyone else on this planet end quote."

Jack raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "Yeah well, I say Meredith needs to get laid."

"Sir, Ms Axwell is ninety-two and bedridden. She lives on soup."

"So? Not like she'd have to do much."

Paul closed his eyes against an assaulting image and instead concentrated on the painful throb of his nose. Daniel, Daniel, he thought, psychotic Daniel.

Paul opened his eyes to see Jack watching him curiously.

"Major?"

"I'm fine. Just a little headache."

"In your nose?"

Paul stared back humorlessly. "Yes sir. I have a headache in my nose."

"So, lemme guess. The joint chiefs want us to cut down on our budget. Not the geeks. But our guys. Right?"

"That would be a correct assumption," Paul said nodding.

"Okay, lets hear it."

Paul took a deep breath. "Well to begin with. Light."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, the military personnel are located in the gate room and surrounding levels. These happen to be the areas where there's a lot electricity being consumed."

Jack held up his hand. "I'm sorry, but have you seen the Stargate?"

"That's not the problem. The problem is that the lights are on in this place twenty-four hours a day. Maybe you could, control light usage."

"We're in a mountain. There are no windows here. Without light, this is a dark place," Jack said enunciating each word.

"Well, our... experts are suggesting you turn them off when you're not in the room." Paul cringed as he spoke. "There's really no need to have the lights on when nobody's in."

"That's what I was thinking," Jack said flatly. "This is the biggest crock I've heard in my life. What's next? No more hot water?"

"No, that would be preposterous. Just not between 9am and 7pm. The heating may also be designated usage hours. You might want to tell your people to bulk up. Obviously this won't effect the cultural department of Cheyenne as they decided to change their utilities to a more eco friendly supplier a long time ago."

"Is this a joke?"

"Limited online usage has also been suggested. The U.S government doesn't want its employees using information technology to find pornography during work hours."

"Why not? It's what everyone else uses it for."

"That's understandable sir. Pornography privileges will not be revoked completely. Just, curbed."

"So basically, my people have to work in the cold, dark, while smelling because they miss the wash window and deprived of their... leisure activity because the U.S government wants to save a few dollars to do what?"

"Well, the President has just installed a new music system into Air Force One. It's very good."

Jack shook his head and let it fall on the desk, landing hard on the wood. "Anything else?" Jack's muffled voice said.

"No, that's it. Well, actually...."

Jack's head snapped up. "What?"

"Your orders are to implement these changes a.s.a.p. sir."

Paul shifted uncomfortably in his chair. To think he had hand delivered this embarrassment just so he could see Daniel. He felt like shit and there was nothing he could do to feel better. Except for one thing maybe. Paul reached over and switched off the desk lamp to Jack's left. Jack stared at the dead lamp and then at Paul.

"Get out?" Paul said in his usual business tone of voice.

Jack nodded very slowly. Paul got up and left the office as casually as possible, closing the door behind him. He tried not to jump as he heard something shatter against the closing door. Paul smirked and left the briefing room. He switched the light off on the way out.

*

Daniel had spent most of the afternoon in his office. He hadn't wanted to run into Paul and have a repeat performance of their earlier encounter. He felt that Paul failed to understand that Daniel was a complicated individual with complicated issues. One complicated issue. One complicated issue called Jack’O’Neill. Daniel couldn't just give up a hope he had carried for years now on the chance that things possibly wouldn't work out. But a greedy part of him didn't want to destroy what he had with Paul. A real chance based on the reciprocated feelings of two people and not just Daniel fantasies about Jack in leather jackets.

Daniel closed his eyes to shut out the glare of the monitor. He figured Paul was probably long gone by now and it was probably safe to go home. He slipped on his jacket and decided to quickly visit Jack before setting off home to his empty apartment and vocal neighbors.

Daniel made his way to the military level, ignoring the urge to wear dark glasses and a trench coat in case Paul was waiting around the corner.

On leaving the elevator, Daniel was surprised to find a dark corridor. His first thought was a foothold situation. But then what kind of alien turned the lights off first? Maybe aliens that could see in the dark. Daniel stepped into the corridor cautiously and quietly. As he made his way down the corridor the light suddenly came on, making Daniel spin around.

"Hey," Jack said looking at a startled Daniel.

"What's going on?"

Jack joined Daniel and then motioned towards the end of the corridor with a tilt of his head, indicating they were heading towards the control room.

"Major Pain-In-The-Ass is what's going on. Budget cuts courtesy of the Octagon. We have to turn off the lights when we're not using them," Jack said with a roll of the eyes.

Daniel laughed. "You're kidding. Really?"

"Oh yeah. It's driving me nuts. Every time someone gates in we have to run into the gate room and turn the fucking lights on."

Daniel laughed again.

"Laugh it up rock boy, you've got it cushy up there. We are now officially roughing it."

"Let me guess. No more surfing for pornography?"

Jack gave Daniel an irritated look as they went up the stairs and into the control room. The room was dimmer than usual and the gate room was completely dark.

"Wow, you weren't kidding," Daniel said looking into the gate room.

"That's not all. In a few days this place is gonna be a lot colder too. We're turning the heat down bit by bit so people don't notice too much."

Daniel held back a laugh and smiled. "Wow."

"You enjoying this?" Jack said as he looked through a folder and then slapped it back down next to Sergeant Davis.

"A little," Daniel said with a shrug and a smile as he followed Jack up the stairs and into the briefing room. Jack didn't bother turning the light on and went to the window.

"Well, I'm glad somebody is. What are you gonna do now?" Jack looked at the few blinking lights in the gate room, everything else hidden in the dark, save a small space on the ground that was dimly alight from the glow of the control room.

Daniel shrugged. "Home I guess."

"You don't sound too enthusiastic."

"No. It's just been a long day. Tired."

Jack nodded at the dark shadow that was Daniel, only faintly illuminated by some of the light that had made it up the stairs. "Right. You didn't happen to see Major Davis today did you?"

"Er...."

"That red nose have anything to do with you, Doctor Jackson?"

"Red nose? No, why?"

"No reason," Jack said with a grin.

"Maybe he has a cold."

Jack snorted. "Yeah."

Daniel remained silent for a while, letting Jack get whatever perverse pleasure he received from Paul's red nose.

"Why are we standing in the dark?" Daniel finally said after a long moment of silence.

"I want you to see something," Jack said quietly.

"Oh? Sounds promising," Daniel said with a grin.

Daniel heard an almost inaudible chuckle and couldn't help but smile. The moment suddenly seemed right to broach 'that' subject. The one that made him fantasize and have nightmares. He would say it. He would say everything and hope that Jack's answer wouldn't be 'sorry, but I'm in love with Teal'c'.'

But as luck would have it, just as Daniel opened his mouth, the gate started to dial up below.

"Okay, watch this," Jack said pulling Daniel closer to the window.

Daniel's heart skipped a beat and he had a sudden image flash in front of his eyes of Jack grabbing him and pushing him against the window before kissing him hard and fast and then slow and soft. In the soft darkness around them, this would have been a perfect moment. As it was, Daniel sulkily let himself be pulled forward until he was in front to the window.

They both stood watching as one by one the chevrons started to activate. Shapes of orange coming alive in the dark room.

"I thought you could use the lights when the gate's active."

"Yeah, but I told them to wait. Just watch," Jack said absently.

It didn't take long to see what Jack was waiting for. Daniel watched as a circle of chevrons suddenly lit up in the dark. They flashed in unison before suddenly the vortex burst out of the gate and over the ramp. In the dark of the room, the blues of the wormhole seemed more sharp and volatile then ever before. The whole room became a box of bright ripples. Somehow the darkness had elevated the beauty. The scene was dazzling.

"Cool huh?" Jack said turning from the window, lit up in blue.

Daniel continued to stare as the lights came on in the gate room. "Yes, it is. Very."

Jack grinned and tapped his fingers on the window. "I love my job."

Daniel smiled in agreement. "We're very lucky."

The moment passed. In its place was another memorable milestone in friendship. They hung out and talked about nothing. As they talked Daniel pretended not to feel the insane want he felt for the man babbling about his neighbor's dog's strange tail. Then Daniel went home feeling a familiar sadness and unfulfilled desire. It was on nights like these that Daniel realized a hand was a man's best friend.

*

Paul sighed. He turned onto his side and sighed again. Turning on to his back and staring at the dark ceiling, once again, he sighed.

"Fuck," he muttered into the silence of the room.

Paul sat up in bed and tried to collect his thoughts, sleep having completely flown.

"You're an idiot. The biggest idiot there is," he said to himself. "You're going to make an ass out of yourself and you don't even care. I can't believe this, I've got half the Octagon after my ass and I have to chase after the biggest head case on the planet."

Paul kept muttering to himself as he turned the bedside lamp on and then picked up the phone to dial the now familiar number.

The phone was answered with a loud throat clearing sound followed by a sleepy, "Yeah."

"It's three am in the morning and all I can think of is you even though you're clearly homicidal and almost broke my nose. I just wanted to call you and let you know how much I hate you, Daniel."

There was a long silence on the other line and then finally, "I'm sorry. I was out of line."

"Yes well, so is my nose now," Paul said flatly.

A laugh sounded through the phone and Paul couldn't help but smile. He turned the bedside lamp off and lay back down, phone pressed to ear.

"I'm glad my pain amuses you," Paul said quietly.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Bet you say that to everyone."

"No. Just you."

Paul sighed for the umpteenth time and closed his eyes.

"What?" Daniel inquired after the sigh.

"You drive me crazy," Paul said tiredly.

"I don't mean to."

"I know. That drives me even more crazy."

"Go to sleep."

"What's the point? I'll still be thinking of you. You'll be naked of course, but it's still you."

"Okay, now you're scaring me."

"I've become an errand boy for you, Daniel. The smallest and most inconsequential piece of information and I'll hand deliver it just so I can see you."

"Paul...."

"I remember the first time I saw you. It was that military and cultural expert mixer thing. You walked in, your foot got caught in the rug and you fell flat on your face." Paul started to laugh. "Then you got up, all dazed and annoyed and said 'that rug looks much better up close'."

"Yeah, not really a fond memory," Daniel said flatly.

"Daniel," Paul's voice became serious. "Tell me the truth. Do you feel anything for me whatsoever, or am I really actually crazy?"

Long silence followed. "You're... not crazy."

"Okay. Well, that raises more questions."

"I've been in love with someone for a long time and I'm not sure I can just stop feeling that."

This time the silence came from Paul.

"You still there?"

"Yes. Sorry, got distracted by the enormous stake you just drove through my heart," Paul said, his voice quiet and dull.

Paul lay in bed quietly listening to the silence on the other end of the line. He hoped Daniel couldn't hear his heart hammering with jealousy.

"You know... I saw him pick his nose once. He didn't think anyone was looking, but I saw," Paul said stated, trying to keep the hate for Jack’O’Neill out of his voice.

"No you did not," Daniel said indignantly.

"Well, you would defend him."

"Will you stop being so petty?"

"Will you? Get. A. Clue?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you've been chasing that tired old ass for years and he hasn't said anything once. All of Cheyenne is waiting for you to fall into bed so they can collect on their wagers. Not only that, everyone knows how you feel about him. That begs the question, why hasn't he done anything about it? He's not a stupid man Daniel. I don't get it."

"It's not for you to get," Daniel snapped.

"Tell him." Paul sat up.

"What?"

"Tell. Him. Tell him how you feel and ask him if he's blind, stupid and where he left his libido."

"I'm hanging up."

"No! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay? That was uncalled for. I take it back. But you can't keep going on like this. Wondering and hoping he's going to turn around with some grand gesture. Your life is passing you by, Daniel. Do something before it's too late."

Paul was greeted with the longest of silences. He suddenly felt a twinge of guilt for waking a man up in the middle of the night to let him know his romantic dreams could possibly be nothing more than wishful thinking. On the other hand, if Daniel ended up with Jack’O’Neill, Paul decided he would have to get himself castrated and let the world know he was a eunuch with the sexual allure of a moldy piece of bread.

"Daniel? You still there?"

"Yeah," came the barely audible reply.

"Daniel I want you to know I’m here for you. Whatever happens, I am here for you."

"What about your nose?"

"My nose is also here for you."

Daniel laughed before sinking back into silence again.

"You okay?" Paul asked.

"Yeah. Just not sure about the prospect of having my worst nightmare come true."

Paul's heart sank and touched rock bottom at hearing the hopelessness in Daniel's voice. "Right. Or, maybe, maybe he's just too nervous to tell you how he he feels. Not everyone's as willing to constantly humiliate themselves like I am."

"Really?" Daniel's voice perked up.

Paul rolled his eyes. "Sure, why not? Maybe he thinks you wouldn't want him, looking the way you do and him looking the way he does."

"There's nothing wrong with the way he looks," came a defensive reply.

"Oh no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying he might feel that way, because he likes you that much," Paul said trying to be convincing when all he wanted to do was kick Jack’O’Neill's butt across the universe.

"Well, he has no reason to think that. He's a great guy."

"Oh I know."

"He's funny. He's smart...."

"That's nice."

"He's caring."

"Yeah, great guy, Daniel."

"He likes animals..."

"Okay, I have to go to bed now, Daniel." Paul tried not to yell. "I'm flying back to DC tomorrow, so, I should get some rest. Anyway, I probably won't see you for a while, so, I hope everything works out for you," Paul said trying to hold back the heavy ache he was feeling from his voice.

"Thanks," Daniel said after a while. "Hey, I'm glad you called. Let me know when you reach DC."

"What for?"

"Just. I mean, we can be friends can't we?"

"We are friends Daniel," Paul said with a sigh. "Night, Doctor Jackson."

Paul put the phone down and lay back on the bed. He must have stared at the darkened ceiling for about fifteen minutes before yelling at himself, "You are such an idiot!"

*

He felt like a six feet bundle of nerves as he walked down the military corridor towards Jack's office. He felt nauseous as though any minute he would put on a display of projectile vomiting akin to spinning head girl in The Exorcist. The fact that he had chosen to do this in his first date clothes just made it all worse. Daniel stopped near the steps of the control room to gather his thoughts, his face feeling hot and sweat beginning to form on his top lip.

"Daniel?"

Daniel turned around to see Sam striding up the corridor. "Sam. Hey."

Sam looked him up and down and then grinned. "Wow. First date gear. I feel some cash headed in my direction."

"Too much?" Daniel nervously looked down at his attire.

Sam gave Daniel an evaluation. Gray shirt under a black sleeveless v-neck sweater with pristinely ironed jet black trousers and black leather loafers. On top of that was a light scent of some spicy cologne, his hair trimmed and combed forward, a tuft at the front spiked upwards and flushed face that was radiating so many nerves Sam was sure she could feel herself vibrating.

"Daniel, you look so good I'd sleep with you."

"Okay. That's uh... that's good. Just have to keep calm and, and, stop sweating, why am I sweating so much? I'm... I'm sweating like a pig," Daniel said wiping his face with the back of his hand.

"Pigs don't sweat."

"Thank you... that doesn't help me in the slightest," Daniel said with a raise of his eyebrows and a nod.

"Daniel, calm down. You'll give yourself a heart attack. Anyway, what's the big deal? It's just a date."

Daniel shook his head. "No, actually it's not. I'm going to go in there and let him how I feel. I'm, I'm, going alpha male here. There's nothing he'll be able to do about it. I'm, I'm going to corner him...."

Sam frowned at Daniel as he made no sense at all.

"I'm, I'm going humiliate myself, aren't I? This is such a bad idea," Daniel said miserably.

Sam shook her head and placed her hand on Daniel's arm. "No. It's not a bad idea. It's time to take the jump. Be inspiring, Daniel. Become an example. You can do it. You should do it. We should all do it, damn it! There comes a time when you should go after what you want instead of being afraid she might look at you and think 'what a dork!'. What's the worse that could happen? You're right. I'm going to take a chance, Daniel and it's because of you. Today could be the best day of our lives."

Daniel stared at Sam as she smiled away happily. "Please stop confusing me, I feel like an idiot as it is," Daniel said frowning.

Sam leaned up and pecked Daniel on the cheek. "Go get him. It's always worth the risk."

Sam turned around and started walking back in the direction she had arrived from.

"Where are you going?" Daniel called after her.

Sam turned back and grinned. "I'm gonna take a little risk of my own."

Daniel nodded and stood watching Sam walk away.

"Okay, I'm doing this," Daniel said stepping towards the control room. He then stopped and placed his hand over his heart, which was hammering so hard in his chest, he thought it would break through.

"I can do this. I have three Ph.D.'s, I helped start a rebellion on Abydos, I opened a device that lets you travel across space. I installed a new shower without any help from anyone. I can do this."

"Sir?"

Daniel turned to look at a confused SF.

"Are you okay, Sir?"

Daniel stared at the man. "Um... yes, yes I'm fine, thank you."

The SF frowned and nodded before quickly walking away.

"I'm fine, I'm great, I'm talking to myself and obviously insane."

With even more fear and trepidation than that first moment Daniel had stepped through the gate, he now made his way to Jack's office. He felt sick with fear, trembled with hope and felt slightly gassy from the previous nights dinner. But there was no turning back. It was time to let it all hang out. It was time to grab the bull by the horns. He just hoped Jack wouldn't kill him for grabbing his horns.

Daniel loitered around the office door for a while, just watching Jack talking in a hushed voice to someone on the phone. More cloak and dagger business no doubt. Jack looked up and saw Daniel. He stopped waved Daniel in and swiveled around to face the wall where the conversation was quickly finished off in more hushed tones.

Jack swiveled back around to see Daniel seated on the other side of the desk.

"Ah, Mr. Bond. Glad you could... come," Jack said raising his eyebrow.

"You're too kind Doctor No, but... the pleasure... was all mine," Daniel said mock serious.

Jack shook his head in appreciation. "Ya know, I can't believe James Bond slept with Doctor No, blew up his pad and then escaped in time to have sex with that cabana guy. Those movies are the coolest."

Daniel nodded trying to think of witty thing to add to Jack's comment. The moment passed. He ended up just nodding with a smile.

Jack frowned. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm good. I'm fine."

Jack then seemed to realize something. He sat back in his chair and looked at Daniel. Then he smirked.

"What?" Daniel said suddenly feeling as naked as the day he was born.

"You've got a date."

"I do?"

"Come on, Daniel. You're wearing your first date threads. The ones that say I'm neat and tidy and have been approached by GQ several times, but what you won't find out until the second date is I'm easy and sleep talk in tongues."

Daniel smiled, looked away feeling humbled and then back at Jack. "GQ? Really?"

Jack leaned in across the desk. "Who is it? It's Major Attitude isn't it? I knew he'd do it sooner or later. I'm surprised he hasn't pissed around your door yet. Talk about obvious."

Daniel sighed. "No. It's not. And, there's no date. And by the way, these aren't my first date threads. It just happens to be a favorite ensemble and very comfortable. Had I known they were being categorized I would have worn something else."

"The beige slacks and the creme sweater?" Jack said raising an eyebrow.

Daniel frowned and wondered if Jack could read minds. "No," he lied.

"Think of a number."

"No."

"Was it nine?"

"Oh my God."

Jack smiled at the horrified expression on Daniel's face and got up from his chair to close the door to the office.

"Now, because I know you all too well, I'm guessing you need to talk about something. And before you start let me just tell you that if you're here to lecture me on Carter's behalf to send my people through the gate to bring back some weird ass piece of technology, you can forget about it."

"No," Daniel said slowly. "It uh... has nothing to do with, weird ass technology. Or at least I hope it doesn't."

Jack nodded and sat down on the edge of the desk. "Okay. So what is it?"

Daniel stared at Jack, his breath hitching and his stomach suggesting strange positions. He flicked his tongue across his drying bottom lip and took a deep breath.

"It's... complicated.”

"Should I get Carter?"

"It's an emotional subject."

"I'll call Teal'c."

"Jack."

Jack smiled. "Daniel?"

"It's... a complicated and emotional subject."

Jack looked at the apprehensive, almost frightened expression on Daniel's flushed face and shining blue eyes. Jack moved from the desk and walked over to the window to close the blinds. He turned around with a completely serious look on his face.

"Okay. Hit me."

Daniel took a deep breath that made his chest shudder. "I have... very strong, emotional and complicated feelings for you and have had these feelings for some years. Judging from the graffiti in the men's toilets on the military floors and the tasteful mini murals in the toilets over the rest of this base, the whole of Cheyenne also knows. The question is, why don't you know? And if you do know, why haven't you ever said anything?" Daniel gave Jack a smile of embarrassment.

Jack took a deep breath and exhaled, breaking eye contact with Daniel to look at the ceiling, wall, floor and then finally the palm of his own hand.

"Oh." Daniel looked at the floor as his heart sank somewhere beneath it. "Okay," he said slowly getting up to leave.

Jack quickly stepped in front of the door. "We... should talk."

"Actually I'd rather die of embarrassment somewhere else if it's all the same to you."

"Hey, don't be embarrassed. It took a lot of guts to just put it all out there. Which is why it's about time I told you the truth."

Daniel raised his eyebrows. "Truth?"

"Yep. The whole of it and nuthin' but."

"The truth."

"You want the truth?"

"I'm not sure if I can handle the truth."

"You're a resourceful guy Daniel."

"I give off the wrong impression. I'm actually quite inept."

"Daniel?"

"Jack?"

"I'm straight, Daniel."

Daniel stared blankly at Jack. The word made no sense and the room seemed to turn gray and melt all around him. Ideas flashed through his mind in a split second. Compliments and conversations that possibly meant nothing. Light touches of the hand and the occasional arm around the shoulder from time to time that became null and void.

"Daniel?" Jack said when there was no answer from the stunned man.

Daniel blinked a few times realizing he was speechless. "What? Sorry, didn't I say what? I thought I said what."

"It's okay, that last sentence just made up for it," Jack said frowning.

"I have to sit down," Daniel said after another long pause. Jack nodded. Daniel began to sink to the floor to sit, but Jack grabbed his arm and maneuvered him to the chair he had been sitting on before.

Jack watched Daniel in silence as he just sat there in an almost catatonic state. After ten minutes Daniel finally looked at Jack and said, "Are you sure?"

Jack nodded. "Uh... yeah. I'm pretty sure."

"But... but... you and Kawalsky, you were living together while I was on Abydos," Daniel said, his brow creased in confusion.

"Living being the operative word there. Kawalsky was straight too. Look, the armed forces encourage relationships with colleagues. They figure if duty doesn't swing it, devotion might kick in at all the right moments. There were certain benefits in pretending to be a couple. If you're gay you get all kinds of exemptions and rights. A straight couple? One person dies and the other can't even inherit unless there's a specific will or something. If something had happened to me, Sara wouldn't have gotten anything."

"Sara?"

Jack sighed. "Yeah. We were both in love Daniel. We wanted to have a child together. It's not because she thought I would make great breeding material. I've tried to pretend I'm not. I've even tried to ignore it, but I can't. It's who I am. I'm sorry if somewhere along the line I hurt you. It wasn't my intention."

Daniel stood up, shock written all over his face. "So... all this time you've been lying?"

"No," Jack said pointing at Daniel. "I never lied. I never said I was gay."

Daniel shook his head and ran his fingers through his short hair. "I can't believe this. I thought I knew you. I thought you felt something for me. I'm such an idiot."

"You do mean something. Just not... not like you want it to be."

Daniel glared at Jack, hurt bright in his eyes. "I thought I knew you. I thought we had a friendship that was built on a solid foundation."

"It is Daniel."

"Not from where I'm standing. Five years, I've felt like this about you and you couldn't even trust me to tell me the truth!"

"Because I was worried this would be exactly how you'd react," Jack snapped.

"You've just told me you're completely different to the man I know. How do you expect me to react?"

Jack's face hardened, his eyes becoming cold as he stepped back from Daniel. "Fine. If that's how it's going to be. Yes Daniel. I’m straight. As a pole even. I like women. I like breasts. I like trying to find the happy button. I like getting lost while trying to find the happy button. I like hearing the noises when I finally find the happy button. I have gone down on a woman and dammit I enjoyed it. I think she liked it too. In fact I’m pretty sure she did.”

Daniel stared in horror at the words coming out of Jack’s mouth. A mouth that had gone down on a woman apparently.

“Hey. Wanna know something else?”

“I really hope that’s a rhetorical question.”

“The reason I like ice hockey? It has nothing to do with the grace of the ice skating. It has nothing to do with uniforms. It has nothing to with trying to figure out who’s dating who. I love it because there’s always a small chance someone is going to crack someone else's skull open. I watch it for the violence Daniel. And since we’re being all truthful here... I really hate opera.”

Daniel’s mouth opened wider along with his eyes. “But... you and I saw Madam Butterfly together. You… you said you loved it.”

“I lied Daniel,” Jack said callously.

“You bastard,” Daniel spat shaking his head. “This something you do with all the guys? Take them to the opera. Tell them how much you loved it and all along it’s just meaningless music to you? Or is it just me?”

Jack looked away at the floor. “Just you.”

“Why?”

“It’s what you wanted to hear I guess. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Well it’s a little fucking late for that! Anymore surprises you’d like to spring on me?” Daniel said throwing up his hands.

Jack seemed to tense further. “You know, this is exactly how I knew you’d react.”

“What did you expect? A fanfare? All these years I’ve been... all this time I thought you were someone else and then you lay this bombshell on me. I thought we were best friends. I don’t even know what to say to you.” Daniel turned away to leave the room.

Jack felt like his body was on fire all of a sudden. Even though there was a chance that Daniel would have a typical heterophobic reaction, Jack always hoped the opposite would be true. Suddenly he had the urge to hurt Daniel as much as he hurt.

“Hey! Wanna hear the biggie? Might as well get the ugliest secret out too. I’m not a vegetarian either.”

Daniel turned around to stare at Jack, face paling. “What?”

“That’s right. I like meat. I like to eat it often. I have a freezer full of it in my basement. I possibly like meat even more than women and breasts.”

“I can’t believe this,” Daniel said shaking his head.

“The fact of the matter is Daniel, I don’t wanna live in a world where you’re a freak just because you enjoy steak. It’s not like I’m going out there and hitting cows with my car. I wanna be able to eat what I want without having to order it online. You have any idea how quickly that stuff goes bad in the mail? I am sick of pretending to be something I’m not just because everyone else happens to be it. And I am FUCKING SICK OF FUCKING TOFU!”

Daniel swallowed hard, his face pale and his eyes shining. He didn’t even realize what he was doing until he had punched Jack square in the eye and sent him sprawling across the floor.

“You fucking asshole,” Daniel said, his voice wavering as he turned and left the room.

Jack covered his throbbing eye and just about managed to mutter his one errant thought. “Fuck.”

*

Sam took a deep breath before stepping into the infirmary. The place was quiet, only three beds occupied. In the corner two nurses stood mid conversation.

"So I says to Mable I says, 'what the hell are you talking about?' and she says 'well, what's the point of having alcohol free roll on? Does it mean I can sniff your pits without passing out?' So I say to her, 'I'm just sick to death of your nitpicking. If you want this relationship to work, you'll stop making stupid comments about my pits and any other nook or cranny.'"

"Wow," the nurse said in awe of her friend. "It's so good you did that. You shouldn't take things lying down. What did she have to say?"

"Oh... she told me to fuck off and left last night."

"Oh."

"I thought you said you had good news."

The woman suddenly perked up. "Oh yeah. I lost like seven pounds in the last two weeks."

"Oh my God! That's great! How you terrible woman, how?"

Sam shook her head at the conversation between the two nurses that were supposedly watching over a comatose patient and made her way to Janet's office. Sam looked through the window of the office to see Janet at her desk focused on some file in front of her. Sam blew out a breath and closed her eyes, mentally psyching herself up. Opening them she looked through the window and combed her fingers through her hair to make sure it wouldn't be a mess. Coming to a realization she stopped.

"Right, because greasy hair is such a turn on," she muttered to herself before opening the door.

Janet looked up and smiled. "Hey Sam."

Sam smiled back and sat down. "Hey Janet. Busy?"

Janet closed the file in front and set it aside. "No. Actually, I'm glad you came by. Cassie's going to a friend's tonight and I was wondering if you wanted to come over. We could watch a movie or something.”

Sam nodded. "That'd be great. I'd like that."

Janet nodded back. "Great. It's a date."

Sam bit her lip, pondering on whether she wanted to broach this subject. And then....

"Is it?"

Janet frowned. "Is what?"

"A date. Is it?"

Janet opened her mouth to speak and then stalled. "You mean... as in... uh, no. Why?"

Sam looked down at her hands lying in her lap. "Maybe it should be."

"What?" Janet mumbled.

"A date. Me and you, on a date."

Janet stared in silence. "Oh."

Sam sighed and looked down at her shoes. "Janet, we've known each other a long time. Cassie's like a daughter to me. We spend all this time together and we're the best of friends and admittedly I feel a lot more for you than... I have very strong feelings towards you Janet and I always thought you might feel... I dunno, the same. I figured today could be a day for, you know, fighting your fears."

Sam clamped her eyes shut for a moment and then looked straight at Janet. "I'm asking you out and I'm really hoping you'll say yes, even if it is to stop me from making an ass out of myself."

Janet sighed. "Sam, you're my best friend and, well, you're more than just a friend. But... I'm... involved."

Sam frowned. This was new. "What?"

"I'm seeing someone," Janet said softly.

Sam opened her mouth to speak and then closed it, realizing she had nothing to say.

Janet watched Sam closely for a reaction. She sat there frowning, her lips pursed as she pondered on something. "Sam?"

Sam shook her head and looked at Janet, her frown deepening. "You're seeing someone?"

Janet nodded. "Yes.

"Why didn't you tell me this before? I thought we were best friends. I mean, I tell you everything. People tell me their secrets and then I tell you even though I promised I wouldn't. Remember that time I was off world with Daniel and he fell into a hole that the natives used for storing manure? That's the best kept secret in this facility, but I told you. Even though I said I wouldn't. And that time we were coming back from a mission and Colonel O'Neill tripped over his own boot and fell flat on his face, hitting himself with this own P90? We told everyone the black eye came from your usual natives versus explorers fight, but I told you the truth. And the time Teal'c shot his own foot with this staff weapon? Everyone thinks it was our encounter with Apophis, but you? You got the truth." Sam poked her finger at Janet.

Then she leaned back in her chair and took a deep breath, and her voice grew quiet. "When I thought Dad was going to die, I talked to you. When Jolinar died inside of me, so I could live... I talked to you. Important things. You couldn't even tell me you were seeing someone?"

Janet looked down at her desk. "It's complicated Sam."

"Why? I can take a no. I'm not... in love with you, or anything. If you found someone nice, I'd be happy for you."

Janet looked up at Sam who was sadly gazing back down at her hands.

"I just can't believe you didn't tell me. I thought we were better friends than that. I'd tell you everything."

"I'm sorry. Some things, they're different. It's not so easy. Knowing how you felt about me, I just couldn't tell you."

Sam's head snapped up."Knowing? You knew?"

Janet nodded slowly.

"You knew and you said nothing?"

"What was I supposed to say?" Janet said wearily.

"Let me guess, you thought you'd humor me. Poor little Sam on her lonesome pining after her best friend."

Janet stood up and looked down at her friend. "That is not true and you know it."

"So who is she? A nurse? One of your patients maybe. Like those stupid doctor and nurse romances. Let me guess, you both get together and have a nice laugh at my expense. Gee honey, look, there's the idiot who's in love with me. Isn't it hilarious?"

Janet frowned. "You're in love with me?"

Sam stood up. "No," she angrily growled.

"It's what you just said."

"Oh you wish your tiny little ass I did."

Janet gave an exasperated sigh. "You know, you might find it easier to get a girlfriend if you could stop being a bitch for a second."

Sam's eyes widened and she took a step back. "Whoa. I'm a bitch?"

Janet gave a groan. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong."

"No, you know what? I think you came out wrong. Obviously someone dropped you on your over inflated head when you were born. They probably gave your head a slap because they thought it was your ass. Not a hard mistake to make since that's where you're talking from most of the time. Oh wait, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that," Sam said sarcastically.

"Oh. My. God. You're the anti-Christ. And what the fuck is with that hair color? You think if you give up being blonde, somehow that'll stop every woman you look at from dropping dead?"

Sam gasped and pointed at Janet, unable to believe those words had passed her lips. "The line, has just been crossed."

"Oh you crossed it a while back. That's why it has dead bodies strewn all over it that belong to your admirers," Janet said placing her hands on her hips.

"I can't believe I wanted a relationship with you. Some mean, short, assless bitchwoman. Any woman interested in you would have to be mentally incapacitated in some way. With a total lack of senses. I hope you're happy with your big freak idiot."

Janet's eyes teared up and she bit her lip. "That really hurt."

Sam looked at Janet, her own misery making it to her eyes. "I don't mean it."

Janet looked at the floor. "What I said about the dead girlfriends. I didn't mean that either."

Sam nodded. "I know. I just wish you'd told me about... her. I feel kind of stupid."

"Well, there's one other thing," Janet said.

Sam stood watching in silence, waiting for this other thing. Whatever it was, it couldn't be worse.

"Sam? She's a he."

*

Daniel slowly walked down the corridor. Heartbroken would be a ridiculous understatement. He felt crushed. All these years he had hung on to the thought that things between him and Jack were building up towards some cliched multi-orgasmic moment. It had all been so perfect in his mind. He'd watched it happen a million times.

"Jack, I have to tell you. I'm in love with you," Daniel would say in the middle of the gate room.

Jack would turn around from the gate and throw his P90 on the floor. He would walk down the ramp wearing his black covert ops gear and grab Daniel by his jacket. "What did you say?"

"I'm in love with you. Got a problem?"

"Yes," Jack would growl. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Then he would pull Daniel close and kiss him, his hands roaming in a roamy type fashion. They would pull apart and gaze at each other.

"Screw the mission. I'm taking you home, Daniel," Jack would whisper seductively.

Daniel would drive home faster than he had ever driven before. As it happened, things had not worked out so good.

Daniel walked along slowly, his heart feeling deflated. What he didn't notice was Sam walking down the corridor towards him, her eyes focused on the ground and her posture rigid. Eventually they met in the middle as they walked straight into each other.

"I'm sorr... Sam. Hey, you okay?" Daniel said looking into Sam's teary eyes. She stared back at him blankly. But then her demeanor seemed to change. Her eyes frosted over and her jaw clenched. Daniel stepped back and frowned.

"Is there something we should talk about?"

"No," Sam's voice was low and hard. "I've realized that talking is highly overrated Doctor Jackson. I'm more of a believer that actions speak louder than words."

"Wha...?" Daniel didn't finish that thought as Sam's fist collided with his face with the force of an atomic explosion. Daniel landed hard, the concrete floor doing nothing to cushion his fall.

Daniel grimaced in pain as he covered up the corner of his mouth where the fist had hit. "Wha... what the hell was that for? Are you out of your mind?" Daniel tried to yell, but his vocal cords constricted forming a screeching annoyance instead.

Sam pointed down at Daniel. "Never give me bad advice again."

"As far as I know, Major, I gave you no advice about anything. You know, I'm an understanding man and can appreciate how tough women's... problems... can be. But this is not the way to work out your PMS."

"I just made a complete ass out of myself because of you, you dick!" Sam yelled down at the fallen man.

"Me? How?"

Sam looked around the empty corridor and then became quieter. "I told Janet everything. But we seem to be on different planes of existence and now because of you she probably thinks I'm a big loser and frankly I just found out a few things I could happily have gone on without knowing."

Daniel slowly got to his feet and looked at the palm of his hand, which had a substantial amount of blood on it. "I'm sorry, but how is that my fault?" Daniel pulled out a handkerchief to put over the bleeding cut in his lip.

"If you hadn't told me that you were going to tell the Colonel everything, I wouldn't have done it either."

"Oh right. Would you jump off a cliff if I did?"

"No, but I'd gladly cheer you on," Sam snapped.

"My God! You ever consider anger management classes?"

"You ever consider a personal dresser?"

"You said you liked this!"

"I was being kind!" Sam shouted louder.

They both stared at each other for a long moment as their shouts bounced around the walls. Sam with her hands hanging by her sides and Daniel holding the bloody handkerchief to his mouth.

"Does that hurt?" Sam asked quietly.

"Not as much as some other things," Daniel replied quietly.

"I'm sorry," Sam said all her rage dissipating, leaving her feeling tired, sad, a little hungry.

"So, things didn't go well I take it."

"No. It was like having a root canal. With nothing to numb the pain. In the nude. In front of my parents. And my good looking critical ex-girlfriend. It made me wish I was at the dentist. Having that root canal. In the nude," Sam's voice broke and tears fell.

Daniel stepped forward and drew her into a hug, holding her close. "If it makes you feel any better, my plans for eternal romance didn't really work out either. I've had more fun being being shot by a zat."

"Really?" Sam's muffled voice came from somewhere around Daniel's sweater.

"Really." Daniel said quietly.

"Thanks," Sam said pulling back and smiling at Daniel.

Daniel smiled back. "I like your hair. I didn't notice before. I was busy being an idiot."

"Thanks Daniel."

Daniel sighed. "So. What now?"

Sam shrugged. "I'm going to find out who this is and kill them. Slowly."

"Or. You could let it go."

"What are you going to do?" Sam said.

Daniel pondered the question for a moment. Then it came to him. He knew exactly what he would do.

*

Teal'c stood in the gym, in front of the mirror wall as he lifted his weights. Up and down. Slowly so every muscle could be seen working. He straightened up, his blond head holding itself up high as a knowing smile appeared on his reflection's face. He was a prime specimen indeed. Sculpted and hard like stone. Aside from half of the base that didn't like him for being an alien, a straight alien at that. Surely the other half was lusting after him. With a proud smile, both eyebrows lifted in appreciation, Teal'c continued with his exercises.

"You'll never guess what happened," Jack said walking in, an ice pack held over one eye.

Teal'c sighed and turned to his friend standing behind him with an exasperated look on his face.

"O'Neill, you are injured," Teal'c said continuing to lift his dumbbells.

"No shit, Sherlock," Jack groused.

Teal'c viewed Jack for a moment and then chose to turn around and look at the mirror instead.

"Hey!" Jack stepped in front of Teal'c. "Aren't you gonna ask me what happened?"

Teal'c pondered the question. "No."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Daniel hit me."

"Then there must be a good reason. Daniel Jackson is not prone to violent outbursts."

"Uh yeah. Towards you Teal'c. But under that demeanor of a mild mannered linguist is a maniac. He made one of my men cry once."

Teal'c smiled.

"Oh, that's right. Laugh if it up. Obviously my pain means nothing to you." Jack turned away from Teal'c in a sulk as Teal'c continued to appraise his own physique.

Jack turned back, calmer, and looked at Teal'c. "See you're spending some quality time with your favorite person. Again."

Teal'c stopped lifting his dumbbells and turned to Jack, one eyebrow cocked. Jack frowned at the unusual gesture.

"And what's with the eyebrow? I've seen you do that three times this week."

Teal'c smiled knowingly. "I have been told it makes me more attractive."

Jack stared blankly. "By whom? That guy?" Jack said pointing to the mirror.

Teal'c's smile disappeared. "You humor is most disappointing. If this is how you approached Daniel Jackson, I am not surprised that he felt it necessary to injure you. In fact I am surprised that he was not more thorough."

Jack gave Teal'c a slit eyed look. "What happen to all that stuff about us being brothers?"

"It still stands O'Neill. You are simply the younger, less sexually attractive and more irritating brother."

"Hey!"

"Did I not tell you to tell Daniel Jackson the truth?"

"Yeah, but...."

"Did I not warn you of the consequences of leaving secrets unattended to for too long?"

"Right, but...."

"Did you not know, along with the whole of this facility, O'Neill, that Daniel Jackson has had feelings for you for at least the last five years? Surely you have read the announcement in the men's room."

Jack sighed. "Yeah."

"This was to happen. If Daniel Jackson's only reaction has been to physically cause you harm, then you have been lucky. Pray that your friendship remains intact."

"What are you saying? Daniel's gonna want to stop being friends because of something that is essentially out of my control? It's not like I'm making an excuse. I'm straight. I can't help it!"

"Daniel Jackson will see this. He needs time to think O'Neill."

"Maybe I should talk to him."

"Only if you wish further injury."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"You will most certainly use the wrong combination of words and therefore antagonize Daniel Jackson even further."

Jack mulled over Teal'c's words. Sadly it was true. Jack knew he would end up saying something idiotic to make matters worse. But surely there was someone Daniel would listen to even in his aggravated state. Jack smiled at Teal'c. Teal'c rolled his eyes slowly and dropped both dumbbells on the floor. He spared his sullen looking reflection a last glance and made his way to the door.

"Owe you one buddy!" Jack called out after Teal'c.

Teal'c walked on and added this 'one' to the current tally of forty-two.

*

Daniel pulled his emergency holdall from the closet and began to neatly fill it with some of the clothes he kept on base. He had enough of Earth. He had never belonged. Abydos however had been a real home and now he would leave Earth for Abydos, forever. Daniel went to his desk and picked up necessary objects and also placed them in his bag.

"Daniel Jackson."

Daniel turned to see Teal'c directly behind him. "Teal'c. Hey."

Teal'c looked at Daniel's swollen and cut lip with curiosity. "You are injured Daniel Jackson."

Daniel continued to fill the bag with pens, notepads and reference books. "Uh... yeah. I had a small run in with Sam."

"MajorCarter did this?"

"She was upset," Daniel said absently.

Teal'c fell into thought. What could possibly upset her? More to the point, whom? "Did she tell you the cause of her unhappiness Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel sighed. "You'd have to ask her, Teal'c. I don't think she's going to appreciate me telling everyone her problems."

"I see," Teal'c said as he began to leave.

Daniel reached out and grabbed Teal'c's arm. "Hey Teal'c, did you want something?" Daniel said, his voice hopeful.

Teal'c looked at the door with longing. "I came to inquire after you Daniel Jackson. It has come to my attention that you and O'Neill have had words."

Daniel let go of Teal'c's arm. "I don't want to talk about it."

Teal'c turned to leave. "Very well."

"He said... he's straight. End of story. I feel like an idiot," Daniel said quietly to Teal'c's leaving back. Teal'c stopped and sighed, then turned back to face Daniel.

"You have no reason to feel foolish. You were not in the wrong. O'Neill knows this."

Daniel zipped up his bag and then went to the closet. "Not the impression I got," he said taking off his sweater followed by his shirt.

"He is most regretful of this turn of events," Teal'c said as Daniel pulled on a black shirt.

"Doesn't matter anymore," Daniel kicked off his shoes and then took off his pants. "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back."

Teal'c rolled his eyes, stopping just as Daniel looked at him. "I've had enough."

Teal'c pulled out the black jeans that Daniel always seem to pick when he was 'leaving for good' and handed them to Daniel. Daniel looked at Teal'c quizzically and took the jeans.

"I'm leaving for good," he said zipping up the jeans and then stepping into the closet to find his boots.

"Again?" Teal'c said dryly.

Daniel's frowning face popped out of the closet to look at Teal'c. "This time I'm serious. This time I truly have no reason to stay here." Daniel's head disappeared back into the closet.

Teal'c removed a speck of dirt from under his fingernail. "You will be greatly missed."

Daniel stepped back out of the closet, booted up and headed towards his desk. "Thank you Teal'c. I'll obviously miss you and Sam too." Teal'c watched as Daniel scribbled something in Goa'uld on to a piece of paper and then folded it. "Give this to Jack."

Teal'c took the note and put it in his pocket. "You do not have to leave Daniel Jackson. It is unnecessary."

"I don't think so. I've had enough of this place. It's filled with egocentric, self-centered and selfish people that don't care about anyone else. It's all me me me. They don't care about who they hurt and crush, as long as they always look good and impressive," Daniel said taking a tub of hair gel from his top draw and then quickly and efficiently applying some to his hair.

"Do I look okay?"

"You do."

Daniel slung the holdall around his shoulder and looked at Teal'c with determination and resolve. "Well, this is it. Visit me in Abydos okay?"

Teal'c smiled fondly at Daniel. "I shall."

Daniel stepped around the desk and held his hand out to Teal'c. Teal'c stepped forward and crushed Daniel in a bear-hug instead. After a few moments, when Daniel seemed to make a muffled sound of protest, Teal'c let go.

Daniel took a few deep gulps of air and nodded to his friend. "Well, that's it. Last time you'll ever see me in this office again. Tell everyone bye for me. Give Jack my note. And tell Paul... tell him... I'm sorry."

Teal'c nodded and watched as Daniel left the office. Sighing, he sat down on the edge of the desk and contemplated on whether he should to go to Sam first or update Jack on matters. As he reached for the phone, he saw a presence in the doorway from the corner of his eye.

Daniel walked in slowly and sheepishly as Teal'c looked at the clock on the wall. "This was your shortest trip by far Daniel Jackson."

Daniel ignored the comment and reached past Teal'c to retrieve something from the desk. He held it up in front of Teal'c. "I came back for my lip balm."

With those parting emotional words, Daniel turned and left his office. Teal'c smiled. The situation was of course more serious than all the times that Daniel had left before, but it didn't mean he wouldn't come back.

Teal'c got up from the desk and decided his next port of call would be Samantha Carter. His raging desire for her aside, maybe she could do with a friend.

He knew she would be locked up in her lab, experimenting on something potentially lethal as was her way of dealing with problems. He wasn't wrong. The door to her lab was open and she sat at her work-top with laptop open in front of her. Teal'c could hear feint explosive noises from the laptop as he walked towards Sam. She looked up briefly to see Teal'c. Sullen faced, she ignored him and looked back down. Teal'c cocked his eyebrow at the snub.

He went to stand just to her left from where he could see the source of the noises. It seemed Sam was playing a game that involved blowing up mutant alien cows with a powerful laser.

"I see you are taking part in serious military training MajorCarter," Teal'c said with a smile.

Sam's head snapped up and she gave Teal'c a frosty look that would have frozen his symbiote's balls off if it had any.

Symbiote: Hey!

Teal'c stopped smiling. Sam did not stop glaring.

"Can I help you with something?"

"On the contrary, I came here hoping that I could be of service to you MajorCarter. You seem most..." Teal'c looked at the computer screen. "...distracted. Is something the matter?"

"I'm fine," Sam said, her voice so low it was scraping the ground.

"I see. You are of course lying, but I will reiterate MajorCarter. I am here if you should need me. As your friend," Teal'c said as he lay his hand on Sam's shoulder.

Sam looked at the hand on her shoulder and then back at Teal'c. Teal'c withdrew his hand. He gave Sam a small bow of the head, while worrying that she might actually bite it off and then headed out.

"Teal'c?"

Teal'c turned around and looked at Sam whose face had softened somewhat.

Sam got up from her seat and shut the laptop. "You want to help me?"

Teal'c nodded. "Any way I can."

Sam walked up to Teal'c. "Okay."

*

Daniel stepped through the Stargate and into the main chamber of the pyramid. There were odds and ends lying in the middle of the chamber. The remains of a fire. Some sheets on the ground where people must have sat or made out. Empty wooden drinking boats. Otherwise the chamber was empty meaning everyone had retired to the main village.

Daniel put his sunglasses on and headed towards the entrance. Outside it was hot and sandy. Which wasn't really odd for a desert. Daniel applied some lip balm and began to descend the stone steps. This was his home now. He had nothing to go back for. Except Snack'O'Jacks. And crackers. And the Discovery Channel. Okay, he had a few things he could go back for, but that was all behind him now. Daniel walked a few minutes under the noon sun (coincidentally the name of a hottie he knew in college). In hindsight it felt kind of stupid to bake himself like a roast, for something Jack was to blame for. But then he would feel totally stupid going back to the SGC just because it was too hot to disappear.

There was no going back. Daniel kept on walking. In twenty minutes he would reach his new home.

*

Teal'c cocked his eyebrow at the boxing gloves that Sam had thrown in his direction. Sam had already pulled hers on as Teal'c stood looking at his gloves. They both stood in the middle of the gym, Sam impatiently waiting for Teal'c to assume a stance.

"I am not sure how this will be of help," Teal'c said looking at Sam.

Sam did a small jog on the spot and then threw a few punches in the air to loosen up. "Easy Teal'c. I'm a woman. You are a man. A greedy, greedy, good for nothing man. From the species that has its own side of the fence but feels the need to jump over and take other people's things too."

Teal'c stared blankly. "I see."

"Oh I don't think you do. I'm mad Teal'c and I'm afraid if I come into contact with anyone else I might end up maiming them permanently. Which is where you come in."

"I... see."

"I'm drawing a line, Teal'c. It's time to separate the men from the women. By the way, in case you're wondering, the women are the ones with the bigger balls."

Teal'c raised his eyebrow, something that was fast becoming a habit. "I see, but I must warn you MajorCarter. Having been First Prime to Apophis and a Jaffa Warrior with the highest of training, my skills may out match yo...."

Teal'c didn't finish the sentence as a sudden and abrupt smack to the mouth shut it up. He was still standing in the same spot while Sam bounced from foot to foot and threw punches into the air around him.

"You were saying?" Sam said still bouncing around.

"Skills aside," Teal'c said joining in the dance. "I am physically much strong...."

Another punch square on the mouth stopped Teal'c.

"Sorry, didn't quite get that Master Teal'c."

Teal'c shook his head. "I am on guard now MajorCarter. You will not be able get past me as quick a third time. Many years of fighting and training have honed my skills so that I may fight other warriors in the heat of battle and not just a crazed Tauri woman who wishes to inflict harm on me as punishment to the male of the species."

Sam stopped in mid-bounce and frowned. The look on her face quickly changed from confusion to rage. Her hands hung by her side and she stood there like a child that would suddenly throw a tantrum. Teal'c stopped moving too, unable to anticipate her response. A swift sudden and hard punch to the stomach. Teal'c doubled over and just about resisted groaning, his symbiote beginning to wriggle around in his pouch in protest of the attack.

"You know, you people make me sick. It's never enough. You can't help but fuck up other people's lives," Sam said angrily.

"How are the Jaffa responsible for your situation? I think perhaps you are overreacting," Teal'c said looking up at Sam.

Sam grimaced and shook her head, the anger surging through her veins. "No! Not the Jaffa!"

Teal'c straightened up and took a breath. "Then perhaps you need to be more clear about what has you this angry. It seems your anger is clouding your judgment."

"Anh! You're all the same you stupid men with your tiny brains and your ugly genitalia!" Sam yelled with a hard kick to Teal'c's crotch.

Teal'c stood statue still as Sam stomped out of the gym.

Teal'c didn't dare move as he slowly closed his eyes and tried to achieve some calm. But for some reason his symbiote was not providing any path to meditation or healing. As meditation failed and the painful throb of his crotch showed no sign of subsiding, Teal'c gave into his sleepy legs and fell to the floor with a loud thud.

*

Jack left the commissary for the elevator, holding a chilled can of Diet Coke to his aching eye where Daniel had punched him. Who would have thought life could be this complicated? Perhaps he should have stayed in the closet. His front had been pretty convincing so far. No one had seen him dance or the plaid shirts in said closet. His hair was reasonably in season most of the time and he hadn't worn Y-Fronts for at least two decades. And he always made sure he looked at man boobs more than girly bits. It was a hard job to ogle both sexes, but Jack had pulled it off thus far.

As Jack stepped up to the elevator, the doors slid back to reveal Sam standing in the middle, her hands by her side enclosed in great big red boxing gloves. Jack took one look at the murderous look on her face and stepped back.

"Major," Jack said cautiously.

Sam stepped out and looked at Jack's eye. "Daniel do that?"

"Uh... yeah. How did you know?" Jack took another step back.

"He said he was going to see you. He was very nervous." Sam seemed to frost over and Jack quickly glanced at the gloves she was wearing.

"Yeah. We had... a little misunderstanding."

Sam stepped close to Jack and pointed at him with her gloved hand. Jack's eyes slipped from looking at Sam and to the top of the glove.

"Mis-under-standing? Did it ever occur to you to be clear from the beginning instead of being misleading?" Sam said it so quietly that it gave Jack goosebumps.

Jack pushed the gloved hand gently away. "Carter, before you decide to use my balls for tennis practice, I'd just like to remind you, I'm your commanding officer and most of the time I'm a pretty cool guy. And... my eye really hurts."

Sam kept her eyes on Jack for a moment and then sighed. "This place sucks."

Jack suddenly felt a pang of sympathy and poked Sam's arm. "Wanna tell me what's up?"

"No. I don't. I'm going to go and... have a donut. Topped with chocolate and filled with cream. And anthrax."

"You sure about that? I mean... cream?" Jack made a face.

"With all due respect Sir, you're not funny," Sam said glumly before walking off.

*

Paul walked along the silent corridor to Daniel's office, the conversation from the night before still bouncing around inside his head. There was no point in hoping that Daniel would abandon his geriatric fixation. Paul had all but handed Daniel on a silver platter to Jack’O’Neill. All that was left now was to say good-bye and good luck. And if there was time, perhaps he would write something akin to 'Jack’O’Neill has no penis' in the men's room.

Paul knocked on the open door to Daniel's office. "Daniel?"

He walked in to find it empty and sudden visions of Daniel doing the bad thing on Jack's desk assaulted his mind.

Paul took out his cell and dialed. A husky voice answered.

"Hey Paul."

"I screwed up," Paul said quietly.

Paul listened to the sigh on the other end of the line. "Hey, you want me to get rid of O'Neill, because I know a guy who can off him no problem. He owes me."

"No! And why the fuck do you know someone like that?"

"Keep your diaper on. It's not my fault you screwed up you dick."

"You know, I called you for support. Obviously I'm wasting my time," Paul snapped.

"Hey, I'm supportive. You want advice? Here's advice. Forget the asshole and find a nice hard body and fuck him through the floor and move on."

Paul pulled the cell away and stared at it for a moment. He brought it back to his ear and refrained from sighing. "You're disgusting."

"And you're a fucking monk. Mom's getting more action than you."

Paul shut his eyes. "You know, next time I want advice, I'll just ask the crazy green haired lady next door."

"I bet she's getting more action than you too," came a snort.

"How someone with the mentality of a fifteen year old ever made it into the medical profession is beyond me. I can't believe we shared a womb."

"Count yourself lucky. It's probably the only time you'll be sharing anything with a sexy naked guy."

"You were a fetus. You looked like a toad. I was there, remember?"

"Hey, Paul?"

"What?"

"While you've been chasing this guy, have you seen anyone else?"

Paul took a moment to think, even though the answer was easy. "No. I never really thought about anyone else. I'm quite besotted."

"Aww. So, what's it like being a virgin again?"

Paul shut the cell and went to lean against the door frame, wishing he wasn't at Cheyenne and feeling unable to leave. The cell vibrated in his pocket and he answered immediately as usual. The other end of the line sent forth a peal of laughter.

"You are such a fucking idiot David!" Paul snapped and then turned the cell off.

*

Jack had waited around long enough in his office, hoping Teal'c would ring with some news. But nothing. He wondered how angry Daniel was and whether Teal'c would feel the brunt of that anger. But then Teal'c was a big guy who could handle himself in any situation. Jack couldn't think of anything Daniel could do that would hurt Teal'c. Besides a rude comment about Teal'c's hair. Teal'c was sensitive about the important things.

Jack was wandering around the cultural department again with its heat and plush carpets and comfortable lighting. The thought of going back to his section of the SGC, with its cold and people switching lights on and off as they left and entered corridors was almost unbearable. Jack rounded the corridor with fist raised and ready to knock on Daniel's door. Only he found himself knocking on the back of Major Paul Davis' head.

Paul turned around muttering a curse and a pissed off expression on his face. Seeing Jack he refrained from tearing the man a new asshole, but stiffened considerably.

"Major. Shouldn't you be on a flight to Washington? Or did you come back to take our toilet paper?" Jack said facetiously.

Paul stretched to a smile. "I've seen the SGC toilets sir and believe me when I tell you, I'm quite sure nobody would even realize if there were a lack of toilet paper."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Touché. What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Doctor Jackson actually."

"Oh? Something important?"

Paul bristled. "No. I just thought I'd say goodbye. Nothing important."

Jack stuffed his hands in his pockets as he appraised Paul. He seemed tense. Irritated. Like someone that could use a laxative even.

"Not there?" Jack said indicating with a chin-point.

"No," Paul said suddenly noticing the colorful bruising on Jack's face. Bruising that hadn't been there before. It reminded him of having a door shut on his nose. Paul felt a sudden urge to smile.

"That looks painful," Paul said nodding towards Jack's bruise.

This time Jack seemed to tense. "Looks worse than it feels. How's the nose by the way?"

Paul smiled. "Nothing serious, Sir. What happen to your eye? I thought the days of you and SG-1 getting into off world brawls were behind us."

Jack smiled back. A smile that made his face hurt. "No no, nothing like that Major. Bumped into an eager SF."

Paul nodded. "Right. Well... you wouldn't know where I could find Daniel would you?"

Jack shrugged. "Sorry Major. Can't help you."

Paul nodded and smiled amiably. "Well. Never mind. Until next time, Sir," Paul extended his hand towards Jack.

"Looking forward to it Major," Jack said shaking Paul's hand.

Paul gave Jack a final nod and walked away. Jack kept smiling as the other man disappeared around the corner.

"Asshole," Jack muttered under his breath.

"Dick," Paul muttered as he headed towards the elevator."

*

When the ringing had subsided in Teal'c's ears he had slowly and carefully gotten to his feet. Slowly he headed towards his quarters which he had decided he would never leave again. It suddenly became clear to him. Everything in the universe was clear. The time spent fighting with the Goa'uld had been a waste. Weapons weren't needed to defeat the Goa'uld. All that was required were armies of pissed off women with dyed black hair going around kneeing the fleets of the Goa'uld in their testicles. The universe would sound like a huge ringing bell and all would fall by being kicked in the balls. The Goa'uld would be too busy rubbing feeling back into their extremities and in those moments the women would take away the staff weapons, the ribbon devices and Goa'uld buffet tables. It would be a new rule. A frightening rule. To some, even a kinky rule. But currently it made Teal'c shiver.

Teal'c stopped in the corridor to wonder why his quarters suddenly felt so far away. He should have kept moving.

"Teal'c!"

He wanted to let forth a list of particularly filthy Jaffa expletives, but instead turned around slowly. Very slowly.

Teal'c watched Paul jog down the corridor and come to a stop in front of him. "Teal'c, have you seen Daniel?"

Teal'c opened his mouth to speak when a shout sounded from behind him. "Teal'c!"

Closing his eyes, Teal'c grimaced as Jack ran up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder as he walked around him. Then Jack noticed Paul.

Jack and Paul both looked visibly vexed. "I thought you were leaving."

"I am leaving. Just not right now," Paul said irritably.

"Well, maybe you should leave right now. I'm sure whatever it is you want to say to Daniel can wait. I don't think he wants to talk to anyone right now," Jack said.

Paul's eyes narrowed. "What's going on?"

"None of your business!" Jack's voice climbed in pitch.

"He was going to tell you how he feels about you. Obviously things didn't go to plan," Paul said crossly.

"You knew?" Jack said frowning.

"It was my idea," Paul replied quietly.

"Oh great idea Einstein! Thanks to you hates me now."

"If he hates you it's probably with good reason. I told him not to waste his time on someone like you."

"What the fuck does that mean? You didn't even know him when we became friends, where do you get off pretending to be a goddamn know it all?"

"Every man on the base is lusting after him except for the one guy he really wants. It doesn't take a know it all to figure out something's wrong with that picture. The only one suffering from delusions was Daniel. You knew how he felt."

"He's my friend. I never wanted to hurt him. You don't know shit about our relationship. You're too busy following Daniel around with a permanent hard-on."

"I care about Daniel."

"You will both cease this discussion!" Teal'c suddenly yelled making both men pay attention.

"As interesting as this debate is as to who cares for Daniel Jackson more, I have no wish to see it reach the point where you will both compare the size of your genitalia or urinate around Daniel Jackson's office. What do you both wish to ask me?" Teal'c said as he went to lean against the wall.

"Are you okay?" Paul said noticing the Jaffa didn't seem his usual stoic self.

"I am," Teal'c replied defensively.

"You sure? You don't look it," Jack said.

Teal'c glared at Jack. "MajorCarter is a most accomplished tactician. Next time I will not be as foolish to assume that a warrior such as myself is without vulnerabilities. I may also change my plans for a future that includes having children."

"Ooh," both Jack and Paul said with matching pained expressions.

"Now, ask me what you wish so I may be free to submerge myself in a vat of ice."

"Where's Daniel?" Both men spoke in unison.

They both turned to look at each other with matching expressions of annoyance.

"He has gone to Abydos."

"What?"

"Aw man! Again? That guy needs to be put on a leash."

Paul gawped at Jack. "I can't believe you said that."

"Why? It turn you on?" Jack said receiving a dirty look from Paul.

"He has left this for you," Teal'c said taking a note from his pocket and handing it to Jack.

Paul watched Jack open the note, look at it and then roll his eyes, handing it back to Teal'c. "It's in Goa'uld."

Teal'c read the note and handed it back to Jack. "Daniel Jackson has expressed his desire to never lay his eyes on your apologizing buttocks and has suggested that you fornicate with yourself... you fornicating illegitimate son of a female canine."

Jack looked at Teal'c blankly. "Gee, I wonder what he's getting at."

"I think he said he never wants to see your sorry ass and says to fuck yourself, you fucking bastard son of bitch," Paul explained with a smile.

Jack stared sourly at Paul. "Thank you, Major."

"He was most unhappy O'Neill. We must not assume that this is like all the other times he has left," Teal'c said shifting on to his left to give the boys some space on the right.

"Other times? He's done this before?" Paul said.

"It is almost a monthly occurrence," Teal'c replied.

"We think it has something to do with his periods," Jack said dryly.

Paul looked crossly at Jack. "Whatever he sees in you must have to do with temporary stupidity."

"Again, that would be the periods," Jack said with a smile.

Paul bit his tongue and decided he would simply contact his Aunt Lanny in New Orleans, provider of voodoo dolls, maker of curses and spells and part-time flower arranger.

"What is your intention O'Neill?" Teal'c said shifting away from the wall.

Jack sighed. "I guess I'll get my gear and go after him. Wanna come?"

"I would be unable to come. On many levels," Teal'c said flatly.

"Uh, yeah. Too much info?" Jack said making a face. "Well, I'm not asking Carter. She's obviously... scary."

"She is a walking a vagina dentata O'Neill. I fear I may never walk past her again without experiencing memory induced penile reduction," Teal'c said grumpily.

"Will you get outta here? You're making me sick!" Jack said stepping away.

Teal'c seemed to show some relief and began to walk away as quickly as possible... very slowly.

"I'll come with you," Paul said as Jack stood scratching his jaw.

"Sorry, I'm not really attracted to you," Jack said walking off.

Paul fell into step with Jack. "Yes, very clever. You know what I mean."

"There's no need. I screwed up and I'll fix it."

Paul stepped in front of Jack. "Wait, stop. Whatever your negative feelings about me, I am Daniel's friend and right now he needs a friend. Having heard the contents of that note, I wouldn't be surprised if he were less than receptive at seeing you."

Jack considered the irritating sense that Paul was making. He was right. Daniel was not a happy camper and it was down to Jack. Taking along Daniel's stalker could turn out to be a wise idea.

"Okay. Gear up. I'll see you in the gate room in an hour. Don't be late."

"An hour?"

"What's wrong with that? How much time do you need to get ready?"

Paul ignored the remark. "I was thinking as soon as possible Colonel. He has gone off world alone after all. The Goa'uld are still a threat if it's escaped your attention."

"Sorry? The Goa'uld?" Jack frowned.

Paul rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll see you in an hour," he said walking away.

"An hour?" Jack called after Paul.

"Dick," Paul muttered as he disappeared around the corner.

Jack smiled. "So easy to get a rise of out of that guy," he muttered.

Then the lights in the corridor went off. Jack stood in the middle, encompassed by dark.

"Bastard."

*

It wasn't a frequent occurrence, but it did happen. Sometimes when Teal'c was on the brink of kel'no'reem he would find himself nodding off to sleep. On these occasions his symbiote thought nothing of showing him dreams of a pornographic nature. And Goa'uld pornography left a lot to be desired. Goa'uld A arriving and blowing the door down. Goa'uld B looking scared and simultaneously aroused as indicated by the flashing eyes. Goa'uld A then stating, 'I am your God.' Goa'uld B looking indignant... scared and simultaneously aroused, of course. Goa'uld A stating, 'Kneel before your God' and revealing the godly scepter. Goa'uld B stunned by the girth of the scepter, while also being scared and simultaneously aroused. Goa'uld B kneeling before Goa'ould A and Goa'uld gong and lyre porno music drowning out the sounds of Goa'uld dirty dirty words to the effect of, 'Ma'kesh! Ma'kesh! Por'tak, por...unghh...taKKK!'

So needless to say, Teal'c always made sure not to fall asleep while meditating, knowing the sick sense of humor his symbiote had. He preferred to go through the day without feeling nauseous or random flashing images of Goa'uldy afterglow.

Teal'c had attempted kel'no'reem to alleviate the throbby tingly sensations in his abused appendages, but to no avail. And even when he had felt himself slipping into meditation he immediately realized he was slipping further into sleep. Goa'uld porn filled sleep.

Teal'c lay down on his bed, careful not to strain his paining bits and pieces as they continued to throb and pain mercilessly. Teal'c's symbiote seemed to experience a momentary tremor and he wondered if it was possible for a symbiote to giggle.

Teal'c shut his eyes tight, giving them a good squeeze. Then he opened them wide as he took a deep breath to chase away the drowsiness he felt, which was difficult in a dark room with candles.

He decided to find something else to focus on. Something that would take his mind off of the pain and not put him to sleep either. Like the time O'Neill spent a whole day walking around with his zipper undone, noticing only when nature had called. Teal'c smiled at the memory of O'Neill realizing and asking why nobody had told him.

Then there was the time MajorCarter spent half a day with a piece of toilet paper stuck to her boot. Everywhere she went, there it would be trailing behind her. Teal'c grinned at the memory of MajorCarter finding out and threatening to kill anyone that even dared to think of laughing.

And the time Daniel Jackson had stood in front of a two way mirror examining his teeth, nostrils, hair and finally some poses for happy, angry and thoughtful. The rest of SG-1 had stood on the other side of the mirror sniggering away as discreetly as possible as they watched Daniel's preening. When Daniel leaned in close to look at what seemed like a pimple, they had all burst out laughing. Daniel had frowned and looked around for the source of the raucous laughter. Then he had looked at the mirror for a long time at the end of which his expression changed from confusion to realization. SG-1 watched as he disappeared from in front of the mirror and the door to the observation room burst open. Daniel stood in the doorway with a most irritated look on his face. His friends lost all and any semblance of control.

"You bastards," Daniel said shaking his head in disappointment before leaving to live on Abydos forever. Or a version of forever that lasted one week.

Good times, thought Teal'c as his laughter died down.

"So this is what you do when you're alone."

Teal'c sat up to see Sam standing in front of the door, hand behind back and surely what looked like an apologetic smile on her face.

"MajorCarter," Teal'c said, certain parts shrinking just by Sam's presence.

"Hey. How are you?" Sam took a tentative step towards Teal'c's bed.

"Surprised," Teal'c said evenly.

"Right," Sam said looking as though she was searching for something else to say. Nothing came to mind so she just sighed.

"I'm sorry Teal'c. I was out of line."

"Indeed," Teal'c said swinging his legs off the bed... slowly and then getting up... more slowly.

Sam walked up to Teal'c and then brought around a bag of ice she had been holding behind her back. "For you. Actually, for your... you know... surprised area."

Teal'c took the bag. "There was no need for this, MajorCarter."

"No. But there was no need for me to kick you in the nuts either," Sam said with a sheepish grin.

Teal'c nodded and smiled. "Indeed."

Teal'c watched as Sam sat down on the edge of the bed. In normal circumstances, this would have been an opportunity for Teal'c, a moment that would have made him consider using 'the moves'. And not Jaffa warrior moves either. No. The take-consort-to-dark-dimly-lit-area-and-proceed-to-slowly-snake-arm-around-shoulders-under-false-pretense-of-stretching move. A time honored move passed from father to son, amongst other useless information.

They both sat there now, on the edge of the bunk built for sleep but not for comfort, staring at the candles that gently lit the room.

"I told Janet," Sam said after a while.

"I see," Teal'c said as he considered moving closer.

"It was like... the worst nightmare. I kept wishing the ground would open up and just suck me in."

Teal'c felt his eyes glaze over and he took a deep breath. Damn the Goa'uld porn, his mind was firmly on one track now.

"I told her how I felt," Sam continued.

"How you feel," Teal'c repeated quietly. Soft, he imagined. Soft and smooth under that hard shell and nicely fitting BDU's.

"Yeah, you know? About Janet?"

"I see," Teal'c said wondering what that would be like. Janet and Sam, Sam and Janet. Women indulging in fun and frolics of the naked kind.

"Yes," Teal'c said nodding at the images in his mind. Images that had even his symbiote transfixed. No more Goa'uld porn for this snake, that was for sure.

"Yes what?" Sam said frowning at Teal'c who looked completely off world.

Teal'c turned to face Sam, frowning in question.

"You just said yes?"

Teal'c thought for a moment and then nodded. "I was recalling earlier conversations that we have had where you have expressed various worst nightmares, hopes and dreams," he said flatly, almost as if the whole sentence had been rehearsed.

Sam stared blankly. "I must have hit you pretty hard huh?"

"Future generations will feel the aftershocks, if indeed there will be future generations."

Sam cringed, remembering the force she had put behind that kick. "Shouldn't your symbiote be helping you to heal... that area?"

"I believe it is enjoying my pain."

Sam laughed. "Right."

Teal'c smiled as he watched Sam laughing. It was a nice sound to hear. He considered moving closer again, but a random image flashed in front of his eyes and stopped him. An image of one Major Samantha Carter, eyes ablaze and foot traveling in slow motion before mercilessly attacking the target.

Teal'c edged away slightly. Better to be safe than sorry, he thought.

"So what happened with the Colonel and Daniel? I take it things didn't work out too well."

"They did not. Daniel Jackson has departed for Abydos."

"Again?"

"He was most serious this time. O'Neill and MajorDavis plan to retrieve him."

"I don't get it. I thought the Colonel felt the same for Daniel."

Teal'c told himself to tread carefully here. There was a lot of room for catastrophe. He knew things and he also knew that he was a keeper of secrets, therefore he couldn't just let them out. MajorCarter was a tough woman. A tactician and warrior, and he would have to be careful. He could not fall into any subtle probing by her. However attractive an idea that was. No, he would be clever and distrusting. He would ignore the trust in her face, the blue of her eyes, the ridiculously black hair... the feint yet mesmerizing scent of perfume.

"O'Neill does not return Daniel Jackson's feelings. He in fact sees Daniel Jackson as nothing more than a friend. Everyone has been gravely mistaken. The SGC could not have been more wrong about how O'Neill feels about Daniel Jackson if they tried."

Symbiote: Doh!

Sam stared back stunned. "What?"

Teal'c didn't dare speak. Maybe if he stayed quiet for long enough, the stunned woman in front would simply forget he had said anything.

"I can't believe this. Why didn't he say anything?"

Teal'c stayed quiet. He would say nothing to make matters worse.

"Teal'c?" Sam said in an almost imploring voice.

"He is in love with someone else."

Symbiote: Doh!

Sam frowned. "What? Who?"

Teal'c stared back blankly. His symbiote hid behind its blanky.

*

"And the priest says 'but you're holding it upside down'."

Jack looked on unamused as the SF finished telling his joke and then burst out laughing with the rest of the personnel in the gate room.

"That's disgusting. Go back to your post. And next time I ask any of you to tell a joke. Please, don't," Jack said turning around and addressing the guards posted at the bay doors and the personnel milling around, running diagnostics.

Jack sighed and looked at his watch again. He'd been waiting for ten minutes in the gate room now and Paul Davis was still a no show. It had occurred to him to leave without Davis, but then it also occurred to him that Daniel would tell him to go screw himself.

"Anyone watch Buffy last night?" Jack said sitting down on the edge of the ramp.

Jack was answered with a murmuring of yesses from the room. "Worth watching? I don't like touching my VCR unless I really have to."

An SF by the bay door to Jack's left turned to him and grinned. "It was the best, Sir. Spike took his shirt off and it stayed off for like three whole scenes. I've already worn the tape out."

"Right," Jack said slowly. "Spike huh? Nice."

Jack continued to listen as the whole room decided to spoil the Buffy episode. Ten minutes later, Paul had still not arrived and Jack considered putting out an embarrassing announcement. Just as he got up from the ramp, the bay door slid back to reveal Paul in desert sand cammos looking hurried.

"Sorry, I had to call the Octagon...." Paul froze mid-sentence when he saw Jack's considerably different attire.

"Why are you wearing black? This isn't a covert mission."

Jack looked down at his attire. "It's slimming."

"We... are going to a desert," Paul said slowly. "Not to be confused with... a dessert."

"What? People don't look fat in a desert?" Jack said raising his eyebrows.

"You're not fat!" Paul snapped.

"Really? Because I feel like I'm carrying a few extra inches. And not where it would make me happy either."

Paul stared blankly at Jack. He knew he was being baited and God help him he wanted to take the bait and shove it down Jack's throat. "Maybe we should make a move now."

"If you're ready," Jack said with a satisfied smirk.

Jack turned around to face the gate as it activated, pleased with himself at how easy it was to get a rise out of Paul. It seemed the man had no sense of humor whatsoever. He took everything so seriously. Jack was actually beginning to enjoy his company for the simple reason that he could piss Paul off quicker than Sam could eat pie. Pretty darn quick.

Jack held back a grin and watched as the gate engaged and a wormhole exploded to life. He stepped forward not waiting for Paul who was probably sulking somewhere behind him.

Then the lights of the gate room dimmed considerably. Jack turned back slowly to see Paul shutting a metal box mounted on the wall containing switches and fuses for the room. Paul calmly walked to the ramp where Jack stood simmering.

Paul walked up the ramp and smiled at Jack in an almost innocent manner. "I really don't think you need all the lights on, Sir. I think this an acceptable level. Don't you?"

Paul smiled amiably and walked on and into the wormhole as Jack continued to stare ahead at the space Paul's head had occupied.

Jack turned his attention to the control room where Siler, holding his ever present hammer stood in conversation with Sergeant Davis.

"Sergeant?" Jack yelled up at the control room. "Shut down the gate!"

Davis frowned and looked at the monitor in front of him. He then slowly and looking uncertainly at Jack, leaned towards the microphone. "Um... Sir? Major Davis is still in transit."

Jack nodded. "I know."

Davis moved away from the microphone and looked at Siler. Jack watched with interest as Siler explained something with a grin. Davis nodded and then laughed and looked into the gate room giving Jack a nod. Jack pulled a fake smile and nodded back up at Davis before turning to the gate and curling his lip at the gossip factory that the SGC had become.

*

Someone placed a cool damp cloth on his forehead and there were hushed voices all around him. He could vaguely make out the conversation and the owners of the voices through the haze in his head.

“How he has lived this far without losing a limb is of amazement to me,” came Kasuf’s voice.

“Father how could you say such a thing?” Sha’re sounded offended. Daniel always did like her best.

“Father is right Sha’re. Danyel has a good heart, but he is quite insane sometimes. What normal man would be walking through the sand storms in this heat?” was Skaara being a big shot.

“Leave him be. There is great genius in mad ones,” came the voice of Men’al, Sha’re’s wife.

“Danyel? Wake Danyel,” Sha’re said softly.

“Good son?” Kasuf urged.

“What is this?” a familiar voice suddenly spoke. Daniel winced inwardly as he realized whose voice it was.

“Sar’ek,” Skaara said, “Kazim found Danyel unconscious outside the enclosure. He must have got caught in the storm.”

Silence and then Sar’ek said, “Idiot.”

“Sar’ek, this is how you speak of Danyel? The man you wronged, or have you forgotten?” Kasuf sounded angry.

“How can I forget? You remind me every time your precious baby step foot on Abydos.”

“Must you argue?” Sha’re snapped, “Can you not see he is sick?”

“He is not sick.” Daniel could just see Sar’ek rolling his eyes.

Daniel heard some shuffling around him and the cloth lift from his forehead. A hand gently slapped his face and then withdrew. Moments later the shock of freezing cold water hitting his face made Daniel gasp and sit up.

“There, he is awake,” Sar’ek said standing with a bucket in his hand, Skaara sniggering next to him.

Daniel coughed and shook his head, the water spraying off his head. He threw Sar’ek an angry look as Men’al handed him a cloth to wipe the water away.

“Everyone leave,” Sar’ek commanded, throwing the bucket aside as Daniel glared at him.

Kasuf came over to Daniel and lay a hand on his shoulder. “Good son? Do you wish us to leave?”

Sar’ek grinned as though he knew the answer.

Daniel sighed. “I’ll be okay,” he said hoarsely.

Everyone left the room after giving him some concerned looks, except for Skaara who gave him a wink.

Sar’ek sat down on the bedding and smiled at Daniel, “Why you are always on your back when I see you huh? You giving me ideas.”

“Walking gives you ideas,” Daniel said dryly.

Sar’ek took the cloth from Daniel’s hands and dabbed at his face where wet patches remained, “Why you are walking around in desert in sand storm?”

Annoyed, Daniel pulled away and grabbed the cloth, tossing it across the room. “I have problems.”

“That much is obvious,” Sar’ek said lying back across Daniel’s legs.

“You have no idea,” Daniel said sullenly.

Sar’ek turned to look at Daniel. “I will attempt to guess. O’Neill has looked at plant and made you jealous.”

“Very mature,” Daniel said flatly.

“You whine like little girl in pink dress,” Sar’ek laughed.

“Um, I don’t think so.”

“Um, um, um, yes you do. I think he like me. I think he hate me. My life is so complicated. I no belong on Earth, I never leave Abydos again. I am little girl even though I have big hairy balls.”

Daniel's brow came together, his lips clamped in anger and face reddening.

“What? I know, I have seen them remember?”

“You’re not helping my situation here.”

“Perhaps Jamal camel boy will be more helpful,” Sar’ek said sitting up.

Daniel took a deep breath and smiled at Sar'ek. “How’s your yashmak trader by the way? You guys still together? Oh. Wait, that’s right, I forgot, he ran off with some guy that makes shoes. He left the son of a chief... a future chief as it were, to be with a man that makes shoes.”

“At least he did not leave me for his camel,” Sar’ek said enunciating each word.

“Jamal did not leave me for his camel. He had to go because his trade depends on it. Not because of his camel.”

“Is not what I hear,” Sar’ek said laughing.

“Oh of course, I forgot about the infamous Abydos grapevine,” Daniel said, pushing Sar'ek away and throwing back the covers and getting up to find he had been stripped to his boxers. Rolling his eyes he looked around for his clothes as Sar’ek watched in amusement.

“Where are my clothes?” Daniel snapped after five minutes.

Sar’ek started to laugh and leaned down to pick up Daniel’s clothes from his side of the bed. He threw them at Daniel who was glaring daggers. Sar’ek watched with infinite amusement as Daniel couldn’t get past his anger to put his pants on and kept tripping up.

“You want my help?” Sar’ek asked innocently.

Daniel threw his clothes on the floor and sat down on the bed. He covered his face with this hands and leaned forward, elbows on knees and mumbled, “My face hurts.”

“Is what happens when you lie under high sun in sandstorm like big idiot.”

Daniel removed his hands from his face and fixed his blue gaze on Sar’ek. “Do you want me to punch you in the mouth?”

Sar’ek laughed and leaned in to kiss Daniel gently on the lips, “No. You will not do it because you are big soft pussy.”

Daniel winced. “Cat. Pussy. Cat. God, I wish I’d never taught you English.”

“Hah! My English very good! I can write my name, your name, name of ten different animals and I know hundred different swear words. Faak, my favorite one.”

“Big surprise.”

Sar’ek got up and went to the corner of the room to pick up a sand colored and sand filled robe. He threw it on the bed next to Daniel. “Here. Come, we drink. Tonight there is sandstorm so we drink and sing all night. I have improved your moonshine. You will like it very much.”

Daniel sat up and pulled on the robe. “Improved? How?”

Sar'ek stood and waited by the entrance to the tented room. “Come, I show you. Stop being big girl.”

Daniel glared back. “Stop calling me that or I swear I’ll kill you.”

Sar'ek grinned smugly and walked out, Daniel in tow wondering if life could get any worse.

*

Janet slumped into her chair, her feet aching and her head throbbing. All she wanted to do now was to go home and to bed. Maybe indulge in some guilty pleasures before hand, like watch one of her Enterprise tapes. There was definitely some Archer/Trip love happening there. Maybe she would have a listen of Justin Timberlake before Cassie could find out and chastise her for it. She had already been deemed as uncool for calling Papa Roach loud and Slipknot as desperately seeking medication. This was an area where Cassie and Sam had more in common. Bikes and bands. Hair dye and growling. But it would all change now. Janet couldn't see how she would explain this all to Cassie. It was all goobered beyond belief.

Janet leaned forward to pick up a folder of x-rays. She had just opened the folder when the door burst open. Sam stood in the doorway, one hand on the door frame and the other on the doorknob. She stood there like some heroine from a comic strip. Surely any minute now she would launch into an attack on villainous types. Then her lip seemed to wobble.

Janet stood up and found her own lip begin to wobble. "Hey, Sam."

"Why didn't you tell me it was him?"

*

Paul was checking his gun clip when Jack stepped through the gate with a sour expression on his face. Paul turned his back on Jack to hide his uncontrollable smiling.

"There's nobody here," Paul said kicking away a dusty blanket on the ground.

Jack slung his gun over his shoulder and blew a slow breath as he took in the surroundings. "They've got a village about twenty minutes from here. We should head out there," Jack said kicking at the embers of a long dead fire.

They made their way out slowly from the main chamber knowing that quiet didn't mean that danger wouldn't strike at any moment. Jack noticed Paul staring at everything in awe and suddenly felt a pang of guilt for his best friend's current emotional state. He also felt amazed at how some people could be awed into keeping their traps shut for a whole minute just by the sight of ancient rocks and engravings.

"This must be where you killed Ra," Paul said causing a slight echo even though he spoke quietly.

Jack stopped walking and frowned. "How do you know?"

Paul pointed up at what looked like an engraving of a segmented circle on the ceiling. The transporter rings chamber.

"Right." Of course, Jack thought, after all the man did just live for those mission reports.

They walked on for a minute when Jack suddenly stopped and stuck his hand out to stop Paul.

"What?"

"I dunno. Something's not right. Something in the air."

Paul looked ahead of him. There wasn't much in the way of light. It was dark with misty shadows and shafts of light where the sand could be seen in the air. The air itself was think and dusty.

They both took another step and then stopped when the sudden rushing of wind sounded in an adjacent corridor. The air became dustier and they could taste it on their tongues and feel it burn in their nostrils.

"We should get back to the gate," Jack said turning back.

"But...." Paul started only to be interrupted by a sudden and ferocious gust of wind that blew into the corridor with a ton of sand. After that the whole corridor seemed filled with thick sandy air making the surroundings disappear into the shadows.

"What the hell's going on?" Paul yelled over the din of the wind.

"Sandstorm. We gotta get out of here!" Jack yelled back.

"What about Daniel? He's probably out there!"

"He's probably at the village by now Major! We can't go out there. If it's this bad in here, it'll be ten times worse out there! Trust me, I know!"

Paul thought for a moment. Considering that Daniel had left a while back, he had to be safe by now and sticking around in the middle of a sandstorm would be of no help. The only thing they could do was to get back and wait for it to pass.

Paul nodded to Jack who was in front of him, holding up an arm in front of his face against the sand. "Okay! Where's the gate?"

Jack looked around himself even though he saw practically nothing. "That way!" he said pointing at the direction he was sure they'd come from.

Both men stumbled down the corridor aimlessly until they walked into a wall. Feeling along the wall they turned left and kept walking and then around another corner where the sand carried by the storm began to thin out until they reached a dark chamber that contained nothing but pillars and a small square space high up on the far wall through which a barely visible shaft of light lit the room only enough to cast shadows.

"Okay. Not the gate room," Jack said coughing on some inhaled sand.

Paul took a deep breath and leaned against a pillar. "Now what?"

"We wait," Jack said irritably.

"Well that's just great," Paul griped. "I've got to hand it to you Colonel. You've really screwed things up. Daniel's probably out there in the storm, with the intention to never return to Earth."

"He probably heard you were coming to see him," Jack muttered.

"Yes very clever. You would have made an excellent stooge."

"Oh but then I'd have to work for the Octagon," Jack said facetiously.

"The Octagon doesn't let deficient egotistical Neanderthals into their service."

"They let you in," Jack snapped.

"Exactly!" Paul snapped right back.

"My point!" Jack said instantly.

"That doesn't even mean anything!"

"Not to you maybe!"

"God! You are so fucking annoying! How Daniel ever saw anything in you is beyond me. I am seriously beginning to doubt that man's sanity!"

Jack glared at Paul. He unclipped his back pack and threw it to the floor. "Hey, check the attitude pal, you're still my subordinate!"

"Well, lucky for you, Colonel."

Jack stepped forward wearing his best black ops, break-your-neck-in-five-seconds look. "What the hell is your problem Major?"

Paul unclipped in his back pack and let it fall to the ground as he stepped towards Jack. "My problem, Sir, is you're so selfish that you couldn't tell Daniel how you felt about him all these years. If you weren't interested, why didn't you say anything and let him move on? I mean what is he? Your special little mascot or something?"

Jack shoved Paul. "Take that back."

"No," Paul said taking up his position again.

"Take it back!"

"No. Sir."

"I am so going to kick your flat little ass Major," Jack said through gritted teeth.

"Is that a challenge?" Paul said taking a defensive stance.

"Oh yeah. Bring it on!"

"In that case, prepare to have your over promoted fat ass kicked to the underworld. Sir."

"I thought you said I wasn't fat."

"I lied!" Paul yelled before they both lunged at each other.

*

It was like he was on a merry ground and everything was just blurring past him over and over and over again. The sky was blue and cloudless. The lake was also blue and cloudless. There were people on swings that hung from trees swinging across the lake with big smiles. There were women surrounding the lake dressed in gold body suits, their hair jet black, their lips red and their eyes lined thick and black. They were dancing slowly and in a daze blowing kisses to each other. There were men with long hair, wearing golden wraps, their naked torso’s glistening in the heat. The music was slow and twanging away and Daniel spun around and around and around. Through the spinning he saw Teal’c standing with the biggest staff weapon ever, Sam constructing a nuclear bomb with the words Daniel written all over it and Jack wearing a velvet smoking jacket with pipe in hand and surrounded by scantily clad women.

Then a face peered down at him. “Danny Jackson, you’ve been a very naughty boy. What did I tell you last time?”

Daniel could only mumble, “But Dad, I didn’t touch your makeup.”

Daniel opened his eyes slowly, one by one and squinted when they began to burn. He was lying on a low bed of thick animal fur under a thin blanket. And Sar’ek. Sar’ek was sitting on top of Daniel and lovingly painting Daniel’s chest in black ink.

Daniel cleared his throat. “What are you doing?”

Sar’ek smiled. “I am covering you in the language of Abydos.”

Daniel looked down at his chest to admire the artistic scrawlings. “That’s nice. Why are you covering me in the language of Abydos?”

Sar’ek put the paint aside and leaned down so his hair fell across Daniel’s forehead. Daniel stared up into Ser’ak’s eyes.

“Because last night Danyel, you covered me in the language of Earth.”

Sar’ek drew back and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. No, correction. Daniel’s shirt which was being worn with Daniel’s jeans. Daniel sat up in shock when he saw the scrawlings across Sar’ek’s chest. The beautiful poetry read:

Jack’O’Neill is a big fucking asshole and I hate him and I can have anyone I want because I have three PhDs and blue eyes which everyone knows are the best and I don’t need that stupid jerk and I absolutely in no way love him at all. Daniel Jackson. The man with the ham.

Daniel read the lines in horror, his hand going up to his head and through his hair. “Fuck,” he muttered. Then he noticed the black painted lines running down from his wrist to his elbow. He stared at the writing, declarations of love and ancient poetry and mumbled, “Fuck.”

“Danyel. Why you are green?”

“What the fuck did you give me last night?”

Sar’ek rolled his eyes and fell back on to the bed, propping himself up on his elbow. “Moonshine.”

“Moonshine? What did you do? Spike it with camel piss? I can’t remember a thing!”

“All you need to remember is you had lots of fun. Now, tell me what you have written here. You make no sense last night.”

“Wha…?”

“This, what does it say?” Sar’ek said touching the paint on his chest.

Daniel looked around the room nervously in search of an elaborate lie. None came to mind. “It’s complicated. I have to get out of here before I do something really stupid.”

Sar’ek watched, shaking his head, as Daniel slowly got out of bed, his hand going to his stomach as it flipped, rolled over and did some catching tricks. Daniel clenched his jaw and let the nausea pass before he opened his eyes. On opening his eyes he found he was dressed in one of Sar’ek’s night wraps.

“Why am I wearing this?” Daniel said quietly as he stared at the wrap.

“Because I ask you to.” Sar’ek shrugged.

“What? Why?”

“Because you ask me to wear this?” Sar’ek said pulling the collar of the shirt he wore.

Daniel frowned, desperately trying to remember the night before. Then he looked at Sar'ek. Sar’ek who lay there as though he was posing for Playboy. Sar’ek wearing Daniel’s jeans low with the button open. Sar’ek wearing the shirt open to show his mocha colored skin covered with Daniel’s handwriting. Sa’rek with the blackest hair that fell over his ears in curls. Sar’ek with the lightest of gray eyes surrounded by the blackest and longest of eyelashes. Sa’rek with the bright accomplished smile surrounded by stubble over a square jaw. Sar’ek with ridiculously high cheekbones and a straight sharp nose. Sar’ek wearing that black thread around his brown neck. That neck which had a slightly fading red mark. Daniel stared in horror and then spoke in a wavering voice, “Did we have sex?”

Sar’ek’s smile widened.

Daniel continued to stare horrified. “No.”

“Yes.”

“No!”

“Yess!”

“Wha…what? How? How could you let this happen? How could... What? What the fuck happened last night?” Daniel said, his hands slicing through the air as he gesticulated widely.

“How could I? You were one that dragging me in here and insisting we faak until one of us droops dead,” Sar’ek shrugged again.

“I was drunk! I probably would’ve said that to the wall last night.”

Sar’ek nodded. “Yes, I believe you did at one point.”

Daniel sighed and sat down on the bed. Sar’ek crawled over and kissed Daniel’s shoulder. Daniel pulled away, his face covered in worry lines.

“You were not like this last night. You were happy Danyel,” Sar’ek said resting his chin on Daniel’s shoulder.

“This isn’t what I wanted Sar’ek. Things are complicated as it is. I came here to clear my head, not to get more confused. You shouldn’t have let this happen.”

“You were very insistent,” Sar’ek said pushing into Daniel.

Daniel stared silently ahead of him, images of Paul suddenly flashing in front of his face, guilt seeping through his pores. “I’ve really messed things up.”

Sar’ek looked at the troubled expression on Daniel’s face and grabbed his chin. He looked straight into the troubled blue eyes and let go of Daniel’s chin, his finger going to trace a line that ran over Daniel’s heart. “See this? And wherever I walk, in the sands, only your face I see. I regret my mistakes every day. I would have you here forever if I could, and I do what I can to keep you. But I know you will only stay if you want to. Love brings with it an understanding. Sometimes painful, sometimes good. I am happy for last night, and last night you were happy too. Let it be,” Sar’ek said with a smile and then leaned forward to give Daniel a kiss.

“You are such an asshole,” Daniel said shaking his head prompting Sar’ek to burst into laughter.

“Yes, but at least I am not big girl in little dress.”

Daniel got up from the bed. “I have to go.”

Sar’ek lay back down. “Why?”

“Why? Why? Because. That’s why.”

“One day you will come here to whine again and I will not speak with you,” Sar’ek said pointing at Daniel.

Daniel rolled his eyes, “Really? Do you think you could start right now?”

Sar’ek threw back a malicious look in Daniel’s direction. Daniel shrugged it off.

“Give me my clothes, I have to go.”

“No, sorry. You gifted me them last night. You can not have them back.”

Daniel glared at Sar’ek. “I’m serious. Give them back.”

“Sorry.”

“Fine. I’ll take them back myself.” Daniel advanced towards Sar’ek.

Sar’ek turned over so he lay face down and mumbled into the bedding. “Do what you must.”

Daniel grabbed Sar’ek’s arm, only he was now completely rigid. “I’m serious Sar’ek, give me the shirt now.”

Sar’ek laughed into the bed as Daniel struggled to get the shirt off shouting a long line of obscenities in the process. Daniel roughly turned Sar’ek over and straddled him, pinning his wrists to the bed. “Give them back right now. Please.”

Sar’ek looked up at Daniel’s miserably angry face and sighed. “When I see O’Neill, I kick his faakin hass.”

*

Jack sat sniggering, trying to hold back a serious laughing fit. It was too good to be true. He kept asking himself why he hadn't brought a camera. Paul lay on the hard stone floor, covered with a thin layer of sand. He lay in a curled up position, his arms tightly wrapped around his backpack and the biggest, stupidest smile on his face. It was priceless and Jack wanted to freeze frame this moment forever.

Alas, there were things to be done and Jack couldn't stand laughing at Paul all day. Actually, he could, but that probably wasn't such a good idea. Instead Jack opted for nudging Paul with the tip of his boot. Paul awoke immediately, startled and looking confused.

"Wha... what happened?"

"The storm's passed. I checked outside and it's all clear."

Paul quickly shook himself clean of the sand and got to his feet. There was sand everywhere. On his clothes. In his clothes. In his hair. Even in his mouth. Then a thought crossed his mind. Would it really be beneath Jack’O’Neill to feed him sand in his sleep? The answer was obviously no.

"Sleep well?" Jack said with a smirk.

"Not really, no. I couldn't sleep because I thought the room was about to cave in. Then I realized you were snoring."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Quit the bitching for a second will ya?"

Paul thought about a retort as he fell into step with Jack, but chose against it realizing he felt too tired and sore to be bothered having another verbal sparring match with Jack. Their attempt at physically resolving issues had been pitiful. The storm had pushed sandy air as far as the chamber they hid and both men had spent a considerable time trying to hit each other in almost zero visibility with eyes closed from too much sand. They threw hit and miss punches at each other and continued to yell at each other over the din of the storm. Paul was relentless in his attack on Jack's intentions towards Daniel.

"I can't date him because I'm straight you ass!" Jack had shouted, wishing one punch could make it to Paul's mouth.

"I hate your ass too!" Paul had yelled back.

"Not hate you idiot! Straight! Straight! I like women!"

The lack of yelling from Paul's direction had told Jack that the man was stunned. Their attempts at beating each other senseless having been pathetic, both men resorted to fumbling for the emergency blankets in their back packs and proceeded to spend the remainder of the night hiding under them from the sand.

Jack had dreamed of a barbecue with the smell of thick meaty burgers wafting through the air as women in bikinis washed his Porsche.

Paul had dreamed of sleeping on a soft mattress under clean sheets. He had been rudely awakened just as in his dream an arm had draped over his shoulder and someone had kissed his back. 'Paul?' Daniel's voice had whispered quietly from behind him. Then Paul had awoken to see he was still with Goober O'Neill.

Both men trudged through the sand under the hot sun. It wasn't a long walk, but under the unbearable glare of the sun and stifling resentment both men held towards each other, the walk seemed hours long.

"Hey," Jack suddenly said breaking the silence. "I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with S."

Paul glared at Jack.

"Come on. It's really easy. I'll give you a clue. It's right here."

"Ass," Paul muttered under his breath.

"That's starts with an 'A'," Jack drawled.

Paul ignored Jack. Jack chuckled. Paul imagined a vulture pecking out Jack's liver and managed a smile. Jack saw the smile and frowned. The rest of the journey was conducted in silence.

*

By the time Jack and Paul arrived at the village, Jack had lost his black jacket, his vest hung in his hand and his t-shirt was loose over his combats. His sunglasses sat low on his nose having slid down from the sweat that was covering his face.

Paul now had his jacket tied around his waist, his vest and backpack in his hand, the odor of his own sweat making him want to kill himself.

"Maybe next time we should avoid high noon for our travels," Jack said as they entered the cool shade of the main enclosure.

Paul ignored Jack as he looked at the odd scene in front of them. Bodies lay all over the place, unmoving and sending forth odd smells.

"My God. Do you think they were attacked?" Paul said.

Jack knelt down and picked up a small wooden cup. He smelt it and then immediately jerked his head away. "No, I think they got hammered."

Jack threw the cup down and moved through the 'dead' bodies, some groaning and some mumbling in their sleep. Paul watched as Jack leaned down and grabbed someone by the collar, hauling them up to their feet.

"O'Neill," Skaara said with a stupid grin on his face.

"Little party?" Jack said with a raise of his eyebrows.

"No. Big party for big sandstorm."

"It's any excuse with you guys. Where's Kasuf?"

"He is scowling in disapproval in his tent, O'Neill."

"And Daniel?" Paul said from a safe distance behind the dead bodies.

Skaara looked over at Paul with curiosity and then back at Jack with a grin. "Aah."

"Aah what?" Jack narrowed his eyes.

"No wonder Danyel is angry. You have new twinky."

Jack let go of Skaara. "I do not have a new twinky. I don't even have an old twinky."

Paul raised his hand. "He's right. I'm not his twinky. I have too much self-respect for that. And testosterone apparently."

Skaara's grin widened. "He makes no sense. I like him."

"Skaara? Daniel." Jack's voice became stern. Skaara frowned in thought for a moment and then pointed towards a curtained area.

"Thank you. Major? Wait here."

"Why?"

Jack looked back at the grin on Skaara's face and hoped Daniel had only shared a room with Sar'ek and not bodily fluids too.

"Major, consider it an order."

Paul sighed and gave Jack an irritated look.

Dropping his things, Jack walked off and through the curtains. Skaara turned towards Paul and smiled with an accompanying nod. "So. What is your name?"

*

Jack walked in to find Sar'ek lacing up his camel skin pants, which he had chosen to wear with a curiously familiar looking shirt.

"Crap," Jack muttered.

Sar'ek looked up to see Jack, a smug expression appearing on his face. "O'Neill! Why you never knock huh?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Because you don't have a door?"

"Knock, knock," Sar'ek said curling up his fist and knocking on empty air to illustrate.

"Who's there?" Jack said flatly.

Sar'ek frowned, the meaning dawning on him after a moment. "Ah, yes, a joke. Very good joke. My favorite. I make one too. Knock knock. Who's there? Kas. Kas who? Kas-who-fff of course!"

Sar'ek laughed as Jack looked on with a frown. "See? Is a pun. That is why is funny. I have mastered your language, O'Neill. You no even know a single word of Abydos, huh?"

Jack opened his mouth to speak, but Sar'ek stepped forward suddenly serious and cut him off. "Enough of the shit chat. What do you want?"

"You know why I'm here. Where's Daniel?"

Sar'ek's mouth turned into large bright grin. A canyon of smugness. "Ah yes, Danyel. He was most unhappy, O'Neill. Inconsoluble."

"It's inconsolable," Jack said grumpily.

"Yes, yes, however, you know how I mean. He was very upset. Drinking moonshine like mad fish."

"And I guess you were there to help."

"Of course."

"Okay, cut the crap and tell me where he is."

Sar'ek shrugged, running his fingers through his hair and then lifting up his arm to give his pit area a good sniff.

"He is no here. He has gone to do some thinking. Do not wait for him, he is no going back with you, O'Neill. He will stay with me, where he belongs."

Jack snorted. "Yeah right. I don't think so pal. You had your chance."

"Oh, then why me and Danyel had long night of passion? Was better than wedding night. No sneezing."

"You're lying. Daniel's not that stupid."

"Hah! That is where you are wrong," Sar'ek said as he unexpectedly pulled open his shirt to reveal some familiar looking handwriting.

Jack read the enlightening passage and then covered his face with his hand. "Oy. The man with the ham?"

Sar'ek frowned. "Ham? What ham? What is ham?"

"Look, did he tell you where he was going?"

Sar'ek was still looking down at his chest and stomach. "I am no his keeper," he said irritably as he buttoned up his shirt and then sat down on the bedding behind him.

"Look, you know Danyel. He will be angry then he will go home."

"I thought he was going to stay here with you," Jack chided.

Sar'ek glared at Jack. "No while you are alive."

"And not while you have the personality of a ball of fluff," Jack shot back.

Sar'ek frowned. "Who you are calling fluffy balls you big pussycat?"

*

"You know, I helped incite the rebellion when we saved O'Neill and Danyel from Ra. Everyone was afraid, but I said 'No! We will help these people stand up against this Ra."

Paul listened impassively as Skaara told stories of daring and heroism. Mostly about himself of course. Funny how much like sappy romance novels, Skaara seemed to save the day in all of his stories. Funny how each story had moved him closer and closer to Paul too.

"Would you like to see my yashmak stable?" Skaara said as he suddenly closed a considerable gap between himself and Paul.

Paul frowned. "Isn't that a kind of a poncho?"

Skaara frowned back. Both men sat giving each other confused looks when Jack re-emerged through the curtains.

"Where is he?" Paul said leaving Skaara behind him.

Jack sighed and put on his sunglasses. "He's not here."

"Not here? Well, where is he?"

"I'm not sure. But I have an idea. Look, you stay here and I'll go get him. Apparently we've landed in the middle of storm season."

"Well, why do I have to stay behind?" Paul said visibly annoyed.

"Because, Major, I don't think Daniel will appreciate us both turning up. I messed things up, I will fix them. If he tells me to get lost, by all means you can take a shot. In the mean time, stay here and rest up."

Paul rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. "Fine."

"Thank you," Jack said before turning to Skaara. "Skaara? Behave."

"Tell Sar'ek," Skaara said walking off.

Jack turned to see Sar'ek, black shirt gone and a beige cotton looking shirt in its place. Sar'ek wasn't moving. He was just standing and staring. At Paul.

"Great," Jack muttered.

"O'Neill, you will not introduce your friend?"

"Major, this is Sar'ek, Daniel's ex. Sar'ek? This is Major Paul Davis. He has a gun."

Paul felt himself about to fluster as he opened his mouth to speak, recovering before he could display his distress at meeting Daniel's ex, a man that looked as though he should have been a Playboy centerfold.

Sar'ek pushed Jack aside to walk up to Paul. "Ah, Pol."

"Ah, nuts," Jack mumbled.

*

Daniel wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting on the ground staring at the cartouche wall, but it had been long enough to make his left buttock numb. He shifted slightly and sighed. He wasn't sure what he was doing there, but he was getting pretty fed up of it. Jack's revelation had left Daniel feeling adrift. His fantasies had completely flushed themselves down the toilet and now all he had was real life. This consisted of him being single. Of him having gotten drunk and slept with his ex. Of him having led Paul around for a lengthy period of time only to sleep with someone else. The only thing that could make his situation worse was if Ra suddenly became alive again and decided to use Daniel as a host.

"Hi."

Daniel looked up and saw Jack standing in the entrance of the room. The situation just got worse.

"I figured you'd be here," Jack said taking cautious steps towards where Daniel sat.

Daniel didn't react and chose to stare at the floor.

"I talked to Sar'ek," Jack came to a stop a few feet from Daniel. "Tell me you didn't..."

Daniel looked up at Jack, the cold in his eyes giving Jack a sudden ice headache. "One, it's not any of your business. Two, what do you care? And three, I did as a matter of fact."

Jack grimaced and sat down on the surprisingly cool ground, leaning against the wall with a sigh, the gap between him and Daniel becoming discreetly smaller.

"You're my best friend. Of course I care. I wouldn't be here otherwise. I hate the desert. The way sand gets into your shoes, into your mouth, your hair, your pockets, your underwear. I have sand up the yin yang because I care. You know how hot it is out there? You could overcook a turkey. It's okay for you, you thrive in this heat. You're like a fucking hothouse flower. I'm a Minnesota boy. I need some below zero temperatures."

"Shut up, Jack," Daniel said flatly.

"Thanks. That was a pretty big hole I was digging."

"Why are you here?"

"Ironically, that is what I wanted to ask you."

Daniel frowned, wondering exactly what he was doing on Abydos. Maybe he just liked visiting. He looked at the cartouche wall in front. He was pretty sure he could recognize some of the worlds listed.

"Okay, stop looking at the wall to see which addresses you remember. You want to tell me what's really going on here, because I don't think the problem is my being straight. Bigotry is not your forte, Daniel."

"There's always time to try new things," Daniel said glumly.

"Daniel?"

Daniel sighed. It was simple really. The reason he was holed up on Abydos was simple. "I'm fed up. Every important relationship I've ever had has failed miserably."

"Please don't start with your parents..."

"It started with my parents. My father and birth mother both dying. Jeremy crying every time he looked at me because I reminded him of Dad. Then just as we were both getting comfortable he had to marry that asshole," Daniel said sulkily.

"To be fair Daniel, that asshole has attempted to buy your affection on a million occasions. And if he ever becomes President, you get to live in the Whitehouse."

"Never talk about the asshole in my presence."

"Fine. As long as you don't start on Stev...."

"Oh yeah, Steven Rayner. That was another miserable situation. Making me choose between him and my allegedly stupid ideas. No wonder Sarah's a Goa'uld. She probably volunteered just to get away from him. You know he uses...."

"Eyelash extensions?"

"Have I told you this before?"

Jack pretended to think for a while. "I dunno, maybe."

"Oh. We were so good together when he wasn't being a complete idiot. Then...."

"...there was...."

"Sar'ek. I thought he was the one. Strong and silent. The way he taught me how to speak his dialect. The way he walked into my room and I was smelling like a yak and he stood there all silent and smouldery."

"Like Valentino?"

Daniel turned to Jack and nodded. "Exactly. Then he stepped up to me and just ripped the top of his robe in half. Do you know how hard it is to do that? I tried once and ripped out a nail. And he was standing there all, you know...."

Jack watched as Daniel trailed off and his smile became replaced by a sad look. "We were so good together. What happened?"

"He slept with someone else didn't he?"

"Three months after the wedding."

"And then?"

"And then," Daniel looked at Jack, slightly irritated. "And then, you."

"Right."

Daniel slumped back against the wall. "I've been an idiot, haven't I?"

Jack shrugged. "Not really. I should have told you a long time ago. I should have trusted you more. My fault for being a coward."

"Doesn't matter now."

"Of course it matters. If this means the end of our friendship, it matters a lot."

"Don't be an ass. Of course it's not the end. I just need to hate you for a while."

Jack smiled. "I can live with that. For a while."

"Just one thing."

"What?"

Daniel turned to look at Jack. The set of his face serious.

"Daniel? What is it?"

Daniel leaned in slowly, tilted his head and closed his eyes.

"Uh Daniel?" Jack leaned back as far as he could. Not far enough.

Daniel kissed Jack slowly and tenderly, both their bodies pressed against each other. Then Jack started to laugh.

Daniel pulled away. "What?"

Jack shook his head, still laughing. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it."

Daniel pulled away disgruntled. "Worth a try I guess."

Daniel went back to sitting against the wall and staring at the cartouche wall.

"What happened to your face?"

"Sunburn. Then sandburn. This was all after Sam happened to my face. She went to talk to Janet. I guess things didn't work out. Talk about a coincidence."

Jack watched Daniel closely. Daniel sat their quite oblivious as his eyes read over the cartouche wall. The back of his hand went up against his nose and he sniffed, followed by a clearing of the throat. Then he stopped. His face became expressionless for a moment, his eyes going to the ground as if reading something there. His head came back up, a little shake of disbelief and then turning to see Jack. Jack who was watching and expecting.

"Not a coincidence?" Daniel said quietly.

Jack slowly shook his head.

Daniel covered his mouth, his fingers rubbing a small growth of stubble. "You and Janet? Do the words friendship and trust mean anything to you?"

"I was going to tell you."

Daniel was clearly searching for words now that didn't include 'you fucking asshole ruiner of my life'. Frustrated, he got up and stormed out of the room. Jack watched the entrance. A few moments later Daniel came back in looking slightly sandier.

"Would it have killed you to mention the storm outside?"

Jack sighed. "I was going to tell you."

*

Sar'ek had watched Paul with growing interest. The man had started the day with small chit chat, answering and avoiding questions. Then he had become increasingly irritated as the afternoon went on and there was no sign of Jack or Daniel. By the evening, a second storm had blotted out the moon and moonshine had made the rounds. Paul found himself drowning his sorrows.

By late into the night, the music and raucous laughter had died down and people had retreated into dimly lit corners to talk or fall asleep where they sat. Paul didn't know how he had made his way into an alcove lined with soft furs and cushions, a single oil lamp hanging above just barely lighting the space.

Paul lay on his back, head cushioned on his jacket, his eyes just managing to stay open. Sar'ek lay on his side next to Paul, propped up by an elbow, unbelievably sober. He stared at Paul in his melancholy disposition. The man had proved to be much more interesting than he had previously thought.

"For instance," Paul slurred, "Colonel Ass and Major Carter and Teal'c were... were with Thor... he's this green alien, has a thing for Colonel Ass... and Daniel was sick... and worried and... and who was there? Who was doing the whole support thing? Me. They make it back and Daniel's all, Jack this and Jack that and Jack here take my heart, kidneys, liver and brain. And suddenly I'm... I'm nothing. It's like... who the fuck are you? And then Colonel Ass goes all fucking macho and fucking asshole on the sub asking Daniel to blow it up...."

Sar'ek frowned in confusion, unable to keep up with the litany of grievances. "Wait... Colonel Ass wanted Danyel to blow his sub?"

Paul slowly turned to face Sar'ek, brow creased with confusion. "No. Actually, it belonged to the Russians. Colonel Shitforbrains, asks Daniel to kill him... even though he knew, everything. Every... thing."

Paul sighed and shook his head. "You should've seen him. If he'd look at me like that once, I'd have gladly died a happy man."

"You know what I think?" Sar'ek said watching Paul wallow in his drunkenness.

Paul sat up, swaying slightly. "What? It's me isn't it? I'm too... desperate and he can see it? You think I should play hard to get?"

"No. I am thinking all men from Earth are big eunuchs. Someone no play with your ding dong and you make into big crisis and cry into moonshine. Is like old Abydonian fable. Man cannot decide whether he want horse or spend all his money on lover. In the end he buy horse. At least it is well hung and can take him from one willage to next when he ride it, unlike lover who is not so well hung and stay on one place when you ride him."

Paul's frown deepened as he thought over the story. He curled his lip up in annoyance. "What? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? That doesn't even make sense."

Sar'ek shrugged. "Maybe it no translate very well into English. Pol. You are very beautiful man. Why you run after someone who no interested, hmm?"

Paul fell back and closed his eyes. "I ask myself that, all the time."

Sar'ek smiled at Paul as he lay there eyes closed and on the brink of drifting. He leaned in close enough for a kiss.

Paul's eyes fluttered open and he frowned at Sar'ek. "I may look drunk, but I still know how to use my gun," Paul muttered.

"You Tau'ri. So difficult. Things are simple, you make them difficult. I like this, very much. It makes you look very... sexy," Sar'ek said touching the mole high on Paul's cheek.

Paul's eyes moved down to look at the finger. "My mole is sexy?"

Sar'ek nodded slowly with a smile on his face. "Oh yes. Very."

Paul looked hard at Sar'ek. "I bet you get everyone to sleep with you."

Sar'ek leaned in closer and whispered into Paul's ear, "That remains to be seen."

Paul put his hand against Sar'ek's chest and shoved him back. "In case you're wondering, the safety on my gun is never on."

Sar'ek moved back and pouted. "Tau'ri heartbreakers. I will find myself horse."

Paul snorted and closed his eyes again. "Not this well hung you won't."

*

Jack knew it was funny, and he also knew that the inner Jack wanted to snigger, snort and laugh. Unfortunately, tired, annoyed and pissed off Jack wanted to go home. He looked down at the man asleep on the floor. He was lying face down under a pile of animal furs, quietly snoring away. Jack nudged a protruding leg with his foot.

Paul awoke abruptly, eyes snapping open. He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them wide.

"Have a nice time last night?" Jack said sitting down on a raised stone seat covered with a furry cushion.

Paul slowly sat up, his face sporting a greenish pallor. His hair stuck out at odd angles and the set of his mouth was saying he could be violently sick any moment.

"What happened?" Paul managed to mutter.

Jack picked up a wooden cup by his foot and threw it near Paul. "Moonshine."

"What the hell did they put in that stuff?" Paul said throwing back the covers to find one foot sockless.

"You good to go?"

After some rummaging around, Paul found the sock and began to pull it on. "Go? You found Daniel?"

"Yep."

"Where is he?" Paul said smoothing his hair down.

Jack looked at his watch. "The SGC probably."

"What?" Paul frowned at the two glum looking Jacks.

"He's gone back home. You can ask him about it, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to explain."

Paul shook his head to get rid of the fuzziness. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah," Jack said getting up, "he's okay. Get yourself ready. We're leaving a.s.a.p."

"What about you, sir?"

"What about me?"

"Are you okay?"

Jack sighed. "Yeah. Peachy."

*

As Paul emerged from the wormhole, he knew one thing for sure. He never wanted to go through a wormhole again after a night of imitating an alcoholic fish. He stepped on to the ramp and held his stomach. Then he proceeded to stumble to the side of the ramp and vomit. A particularly hard feat in a dimly lit room.

Jack stood in the middle of the ramp and looked at the multitude of candles that were lighting the space. It would have been beautiful if it hadn't been the stupidest thing he had ever seen. Not only were there candles, but lit torches on the walls.

"What the hell is this?" Jack said stepping off the ramp and looking around.

"Master Teal'c suggested we go old school, sir," an SF answered from his post by the bay door.

"Master Teal'c has too much time on his hands," Jack said walking out of the gate room as Paul puked up a second time on his way down the ramp.

Turning on the light in the briefing room, Jack made his way to his office. Inside he turned the light on as well as the table lamp. Small revenge, but it would have to do for now. The latest reports lay on his desk as well as a pile of priority mail. One envelope simply had his name on it. No stamp or marking of any other kind. The lettering was familiar. Very familiar. Jack picked up the brown envelope and opened it.

I'm sorry. This isn't going to work out. J.

Jack stared at the neat writing.

*

Daniel had come back to the SGC, been briefly stunned by the candle-lit gate room and then stomped off to his office. He had sat wondering about the countless things he could have been spending his time on. The top most being translating a lab full of texts, artefact's and VCR instructions. So much was he concentrating on wondering about these things that he had worn himself out and fallen asleep like a slob on his couch. He woke up later with a mouth full of cushion and someone sitting on his coffee table watching him.

Daniel sat up slowly to see Paul, pristine as ever in his blues. He had a small smile on his face. A sympathetic smile. A smile that had no idea that Daniel and Sar'ek had done bad bad naughty things.

"Hey," Daniel said clearing his throat.

"Hi. How are you?"

"Uh... well, besides feeling a little stupid, not bad. You?"

"Good," Paul said with that smile again.

"You're supposed to be in Washington."

Paul frowned to Daniel's relief. That smile just made him want to go to confession. "Didn't Colonel O'Neill tell you?"

"Tell me? What? He's not sleeping with you too is he?"

"No! He's not. The reason I'm not in Washington is because I went to Abydos. After you."

"Why?" Daniel said sitting up to face Paul.

"Because I told you to confront Colonel O'Neill, and then I found out it didn't work out. I wanted to see if you were okay."

Daniel nodded slowly. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

Paul smiled. Not a sympathy smile. Rather a smile filled with hope. And hormones. "Really?"

Daniel smiled back. "Yeah. Really. I've been chasing Jack around like an idiot and all this time I totally ignored that there was someone else I could've been with. Someone, I would have liked... being with."

Paul grinned. "Teal'c?"

Daniel shook his head.

"That research guy? What's his name... Nyan?"

Daniel rolled his eyes.

"Ah. I know. It's Martouf isn't it?"

Daniel leaned forward slightly, so his lips were only an inch or two below Paul's. "Closer."

Paul's face came down to meet Daniel's as he whispered, "Me?"

Daniel nodded. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Being an idiot."

"It's okay. You can't help it," Paul said with a quiet laugh.

"Shut up," Daniel said smiling as he closed the gap to kiss Paul.

Paul smiled against Daniel's lips as they kissed, a sigh of satisfaction welling up inside of him. Paul let himself slip from the coffee table and to his knees as Daniel completely left the couch. Their arms slipped around each other as the coffee table got pushed back by both of them pressing against it.

Paul broke away from Daniel's mouth. "What are we doing?"

"Something we should've done a long time ago," Daniel said breathlessly as his fingers went to loosen Paul's tie.

Paul watched Daniel's eyes turning a few shades of blue as he looked from the tie to his face. Paul took Daniel's hand and stopped him from undoing the tie. "This isn't a transitional thing is it Daniel? I don't want you to settle for me."

Daniel glared. "I like you. You like me. The problem is?"

Paul considered the question. He then proceeded to grab the robe Daniel was wearing and lifting it over his head. Then he frowned.

"What's this?" Paul said tilting his head at the thick black scrawls over Daniel's chest and stomach.

Daniel's eyes widened for a moment. He took a deep breath and regained his composure as Paul's eyes left the scrawls and went back to Daniel's face.

"What's what?" Daniel said innocently.

Paul traced his finger along one of the lines. "This. What's this?"

"I guess my artistic side comes out when I'm drunk," Daniel said hoping his lying face wasn't as red as it felt.

"Really? I just swear when I'm drunk. Or piss on potted plants. I have no idea why."

"Well... I guess I'm a little... weird like that."

"What does it say?" Paul said pushing Daniel to the floor.

"Uh, well, it says..." Daniel stammered as he begun to feel kisses being laid down over the letters trailing his person, "something about... something... somewhere... oh... God," he trailed off making Paul laugh.

"Not very coherent for a linguist," Paul said tracing the line of Daniel's bottom rib with his lips.

"That gets so old in these situations," Daniel said smiling.

"I'm sorry. Guess I'll have to be more original next time," Paul said sitting up and straddling Daniel.

Daniel looked up as Paul began to unbutton his jeans. "Don't try to be too original please. For now, first base, second base, third base and kaboom will be fine."

"Three bases? That would mean stretching my repertoire slightly. By two bases," Paul said with a smirk as he slid the zipper down.

"What happened to satisfaction guaranteed or your money back?" Daniel said sitting up to kiss Paul.

"You can always try before you buy," Paul murmured between kisses as he cupped Daniel's face.

Then Daniel felt Paul still. His hands had left Daniel's face and his lips had pulled away. Daniel looked at Paul who was staring straight ahead, transfixed.

"Paul?" Daniel said quietly.

Paul tilted his head and frowned at whatever it was over Daniel's shoulder that had him hypnotized.

"Paul."

Paul got off of Daniel's lap and looked down at Daniel, an annoyed expression on his face. Daniel got up, grabbing his jeans just before they fell.

"Okay, you are officially freaking me out," Daniel said zipping up.

"Turn around," Paul said.

"What? Why?"

"Just do it," Paul snapped.

Daniel frowned. "I'm guessing this isn't something kinky."

"Daniel? Just shut up and turn around."

Daniel rolled his eyes and slowly turned around. He stopped rolling his eyes when he realized he was staring at an image of himself. The closet door was open and displaying a full length mirror. Right now Daniel was seeing himself with Sar'ek's scrawls over his torso. He was also seeing Paul behind him, slightly to the left. He was staring open mouthed at Daniel's back. Daniel closed his eyes as realization struck. It had to be bad. It had to be really bad.

Daniel gulped. "What's wrong?"

Paul just stared at the childish scrawls on Daniel's back. It was horrifying to say the least. "It says... Sar'ek wuz hear, and it wuz faakin usom... what the fuck is usom?"

"I think he was trying to spell awesome," Daniel said cringing.

"Oh. Of course. Oh and it also has an arrow pointing towards your ass."

Daniel turned around. "I can explain."

"Did you sleep with him?"

"Yes, but I can explain...."

"Oh my God. You slept with him? Here I was thinking you were heartbroken and you slept with the nearest Neanderthal slut you could find!"

"That is not true!"

"The man is a total slut!"

"No I agree with that, but you've got it all wrong. I was drunk. I don't even remember...."

"Daniel, I was drunk too last night. And your ex came on to me, but as I recall I was able to fight him off by saying a small word called 'no'."

"Look, will you listen to me? It was a mistake and I regret it. I mean why does it matter? So what if I did? It's not like we were together at the time."

Paul stared at Daniel. Then he slapped him.

Daniel gawped, too shocked to react. "Wow, that was... very nineteen-forties of you."

Paul nodded. "You're right." Then he punched Daniel, sending him to the floor. "That modern enough for you? "

"Actually, I preferred you in the old days. Didn't hurt as much," Daniel said slowly getting to his feet.

"You've made me feel like an idiot," Paul said pointing at Daniel. "All the time I was running around after you, waiting for you to give me the time of day, I didn't even think of anyone else, let alone sleep with them. I was under the impression that if you knew where you stood with Colonel O'Neill, we could move on from there. I was stupid enough to think that maybe, just maybe, you had an iota of feelings for me. But you are an asshole. I can't believe I was going to have sex with you... you little reptile."

Daniel gawped a little wider. "Reptile? That's a little far isn't it?"

"I can't believe it didn't occur to me that someone who was heartbroken wouldn't be about to get laid on their office floor. I'm out of here."

"Paul listen. You've got it all wrong. Let's talk about this."

"Goodbye Doctor Jackson. We have nothing left to talk about."

Daniel watched as Paul stormed out of the office. Too bad. Now he would never know if the rumors about Paul going commando were true or not.

*

Friday night. Teal'c sat on his couch in front of the television. He relished these moments. When people weren't chasing him up to confide in him or ask for advice. Just him and the television and some lightly salted popcorn.

He had worked hard to furnish and extend his quarters, making a nice little apartment for himself on base. A small apartment with only two rooms, but a nice space nevertheless. At least the walls weren't gray. A warm ochre color always made sure the quarters were inviting and cozy. should female acquaintances visit.

Leaning back on the couch, feet firmly on ground as he admired the polished coffee table, Teal'c took a handful of popcorn and smiled. This was nice. 'Me' time.

Until the door opened, slammed shut and Daniel landed on the couch next to Teal'c, sulky pout in place.

Teal'c narrowed his eyes and looked at his friend. "Daniel Jackson."

"I don't want to talk about it Teal'c."

Suited him just fine. All he wanted to do was watch television and partake in carbonated beverages that induced belching fits.

Daniel sulked in silence until his curious eyes started roaming the room. "When did you get that wall hanging?" Daniel said looking at the wall behind the television.

"My last off world visit Daniel Jackson. I will bring you one back next time if you wish."

"Uh, no it's okay. I'm not sure I can find a place for a hanging about alien animals smoking and playing poker."

"It is not poker Daniel Jackson. Telak is a much more complex game. It usually results in death."

"High stakes huh?"

"Indeed," Teal'c said getting up and going to his kitchen space. "Would you like a beverage Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c said opening his retro style fridge.

Daniel leaned back and peered into the open fridge. "Diet Coke. Thanks."

Teal'c came back and placed a Homer Simpson beermat on the coffee table, putting the Diet Coke on top, a Bart Simpson one for his own drink.

"I thought you hated those things," Daniel said as Teal'c sat back down, a can of orange soda in his hand.

"O'Neill persists in questioning me as to why I do not use my Christmas present," Teal'c said taking a gulp of his drink, followed by a satisfied, 'aaah'.

"Right," Daniel said, wondering if either Jack or Teal'c ever used his Tutankhamen's Special Mead mats.

Daniel drank his Diet Coke and relaxed, fighting the urge to put his feet on Teal'c's coffee table. Only the very brave would do something that stupid. It was good enough for Daniel to just be sitting around in frankly the nicest and neatest place in the SGC with his good friend. Without the people who were turning his life into misery.

Until the door opened, slammed shut and Jack appeared around the couch. Daniel and Teal'c both looked up at Jack through narrowed eyes.

"I can leave," Jack said to Daniel.

"Not on my account," Daniel mumbled. "Besides, it's Teal'c's place."

"You may both leave," Teal'c said. Jack and Daniel frowned at him. "If you wish. Alternatively, you may both stay."

Jack stood hands in pockets, just absently looking at the hanging on the wall for a moment. Daniel went back to watching the television and empty headed commercials about cheese. Jack disappeared from sight for a moment, reappearing with a bottle of pineapple juice. He placed a Marge Simpson mat on the coffee table, his drink on top.

The three men sat drinking in silence, occasionally munching on popcorn.

"I figured you'd be with Janet," Daniel said after a while, not looking at Jack.

"Dr Frasier has ended her relationship with O'Neill," Teal'c said switching the channel over.

Jack looked at Teal'c. "How do you know?"

"She told me of her intentions while you were on Abydos."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jack said with an irritating whine.

"It was not my place O'Neill."

"Well, do you know why?" Daniel said to Jack with sudden pangs of sympathy arising in him and possible hope.

"I don't know. She won't answer her phone."

"She wishes to prove to MajorCarter that their friendship is solid. She has therefore gone to spend the evening with MajorCarter to talk."

"She told you this?" Jack said.

"Indeed. She is feeling many turmoiled emotions, O'Neill. You must let her decide what is the right action to take."

Jack gave Teal'c a slit-eyed look. "Well, thank you Dear Abby. You knew all this and didn't tell me? Thanks a lot buddy," Jack slumped back with a sigh.

"As I have said, O'Neill, it was not my place." And besides, Janet had been so upset, Teal'c had convinced himself Jack was to blame for everything wrong with the universe. Amazing that he was still thinking with a place that had been temporarily put of action by a woman.

"Jack... I'm sorry. You okay?"

Jack threw up his hand. "It's not your fault."

"Well, I'm here for you... if you need to talk."

"Forget it, it doesn't matter."

"I know, but...."

Teal'c turned to Daniel with a knowing smile. "Daniel Jackson, if O'Neill wishes to repress his feelings, you must let him resolve his issues in his own way. Forcing the issue will not resolve it."

Teal'c turned to face Jack. "O'Neill, may I suggest a game of word association? Feelings."

"Shut up," Jack said flatly.

Teal'c leaned back, a smug look on his face. "As I ascertained, O'Neill does not wish to share his feelings."

"Yeah, laugh it up Teal'c. You wait until someone tears out your heart and uses it as pate."

"I'm sure she just needs time to think, Jack," Daniel said, also resuming his previous skeleton-made-of-jell-o position.

"Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, why aren't you with Davis?"

"MajorDavis has left for Washington. He was most upset. I had no words that could reassure him. Daniel Jackson, you should not have resumed sexual relations with Sar'ek. Not when MajorDavis is so devoted to you."

Daniel stared at Teal'c.

"MajorDavis feels he may have overreacted, after all you were not committed to each other. However, he feels hurt that you were the one to say this as he feels much commitment for you."

"He told you all that?" Jack said.

"Indeed. People seem to trust me."

"Teal'c, I was drunk. I don't even remember... much."

"In hindsight, Daniel Jackson, was it wise to partake in alcohol near Sar'ek? Considering your past with him."

"You're right," Daniel said turning to stare blankly at the television. "You're absolutely right. This is all my fault."

Jack sat up. "Don't listen to him! He just wants us to leave."

"I did not say so," Teal'c said raising an eyebrow.

"And why the hell did you tell Davis about Sar'ek anyway? He didn't have to know."

"I didn't tell him," Daniel said grimacing and closing his eyes.

"Then he did he find out?"

Teal'c smiled and a quiet but deep laugh sounded in his chest. Jack frowned at Teal'c. "What?"

"Nothing O'Neill. I was recounting the humor of my youth."

Jack looked at the grimace on Daniel's face. "Daniel?"

Daniel sighed and stood up. He pulled up his creme sweater and turned his back to Jack. Jack read the slightly faded words in silence. After a moment Daniel pulled the sweater down and sat back on the couch.

"What does 'usom' mean?"

"He was spelling awesome."

Teal'c started to laugh, deep, thundering and warm. Daniel could only see the funny side if it made Teal'c laugh. He let himself smile.

"Well, it's better than 'the man with the ham'," Jack said smirking.

Daniel closed his eyes again. "I'm such an idiot."

Jack looked at the smile on Teal'c's face, remembering that ridicule was supposed to work on a give-take basis. And so far Teal'c had received nothing.

"Carter kicked Teal'c in the forbidden zone," Jack blurted.

Daniel frowned. "Level seventeen? What were you guys doing up there?"

Jack rolled his eyes as Teal'c smirked. The three men resumed their silent drinking. Teal'c switched the channel over.

They all watched the screen in quiet. Rule number two for being in Teal'c's quarters was silence during his shows. Some people never listened.

"Xena and Ares are totally doing it," Jack said.

"No they're not. Xena's with Gabrielle," Daniel said.

"O'Neill, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c warned.

Silence.

And then.

"You know, just because Xena and Gabrielle were together, doesn't mean they're still romantically involved. I think they're just friends. Besides, the show hardly restrains itself on the Ares and Xena subtext. I mean come on."

"You just want it to be true," Daniel gave Jack a smirk. Jack rolled his eyes in response.

"Daniel Jackson, O'Neill." A second warning.

Silence.

And then.

"You know what I think?" Jack said.

"What?" Daniel said.

*

"And return when you have learnt the virtues of silence," Teal'c said shutting the door in Jack and Daniel's faces.

Both men stood in the corridor and looked at the door.

"We should have learnt from last time," Daniel said.

"Don't get between a man and his show." Jack turned to face Daniel, hands in pocket. "So...."

Daniel stared back silently.

"Friends?"

Daniel nodded. "I guess."

"Wanna go get a beer?" Jack said quietly.

"Daniel smiled and shook his head. "No."

"Scrabble?"

Daniel shook his head.

"Bookstore?"

Daniel pretended to be interested and that he was thinking about the proposition. "Uh... rain check."

"Well, goodnight then," Jack said with a playful punch to Daniel's arm.

"Night," Daniel said with a smile.

Jack nodded and stuck his hands in pockets as he walked away down the corridor. Daniel stood unmoving as he watched Jack leave and wondering why he had ever expected a happy ending. How could it ever be that easy? Daniel turned to go in the opposite direction, back to his lab to get a head start on some translations. There was nothing else to do. Except maybe one thing.

*

Jack walked down the corridor. He was half-heartedly setting off home, knowing the next morning there would be no hide and seek glances between him and Janet. Things between him and Daniel would probably never be the same either. He didn't even want to think about things between him and Sam. He would probably find a severed horses head in his bed.

He was only half way through his musings when the lights in the corridor went off. Jack turned back to see if anyone else was around.

Then he heard a quiet laugh. Just like Daniel to rub it in.

II

The supermarket was playing jovial Christmas songs it started playing in November, as was Earth custom. Teal'c was walking down the cereal aisle, navigating his vehicle with ease, O'Neill at his side, eying him with suspicion.

"You sure the wheels aren't weird?" he asked, watching the cart being pushed along to easily.

"The wheels have no defect. I believe you lack the necessary capabilities needed to navigate a shopping cart," Teal'c said flatly.

"You know, for a guy without a girlfriend, you're annoyingly smug."

Teal'c stopped walking and turned to look at his friend. "Need I remind you O'Neill, you are in a similar predicament."

"Hey, I'll work my problems out, but at least my girlfriend was real," O'Neill pointed out.

Teal'c raised his eyebrow. "What are you implying, O'Neill?"

"You and Carter? Never going to happen. Not unless you relocate to an alternate reality where she swings both ways. Give it up, T," he said as he tossed a box of cookies into the shopping cart.

Teal'c retrieved the box and shoved it into the other man's hand, who might have pouted. Both men continued down the aisle in silence for a moment. Without cookies.

"Have things between you and Doctor Frasier improved?" Teal'c asked.

O'Neill sighed and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "She won't talk to me unless it's about work or to tell me how guilty she feels about hurting Carter."

"I see," Teal'c said.

"You do? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do to fix this? I mean, if she'd give me a chance I'd do anything she wants. But, she's not even answering my calls," O'Neill said discreetly.

"It is a difficult situation."

"Yeah, tell me about it," O'Neill said. Teal'c opened his mouth to console O'Neill and perhaps offer some wise advice. "Hey, free cheese samples," O'Neill said heading towards the end of the aisle. "You coming?"

Teal'c stared blankly and answered in a flat tone, "I am adverse to bovine products as you know, O'Neill."

O'Neill ignored him and walked on. Teal's sighed and looked at the various different boxes of bran flakes. He reached for a box. A hand had reached for it at the same time. Teal'c frowned at the hand and followed along the black sleeve of the sweater.

A woman was staring at him with wide blue eyes. She wore glasses that gave her an owlish look and her hair was messily held up with pins, black tufts softly falling around her pale face. She was taller than Sam perhaps, a certainly lean body hidden under loose layers of clothes, her eyes bright, mouth mischievous.

"I'm sorry, I... I'll take another," she smiled nervously. Teal'c took the cereal box and handed it to the woman with a polite nod and small smile. She accepted shyly. "Thanks. Do you like these? I don't. But I hear they're good for you. Not that I'm not healthy, I am, it's just that you should try and stay fit and everything..." she trailed off. "Or not. I guess not everyone has an opinion on bran."

Teal'c looked at her most seriously. "I disagree. Healthy bowel movements are of utter importance."

The woman's mouth fell open and she stared in wonder. "That's exactly what my grandfather used to say."

"He was a wise man," Teal'c said with a smile.

The woman looked up at him and returned a happy smile and nod. "That's what I my grandmother used to say." Teal'c gave a nod. "I'm Sheena," the woman extended the cereal box. "Oh," she said as she realized the box was still in her hand. She dropped it and held out her hand.

Teal'c took her hand, enjoying the warm, but firm grip. "I am... Murray."

"Murray. You don't look like a Murray," she said frowning at him.

"Many have said that," Teal'c replied.

"I've been told I don't look like a Sheena," she said gently tugging on her hand and pulling it from Teal'c's grasp.

"I think it is a beautiful name and most befitting."

"But I really like it," Sheena added quickly. "So, do you come here a lot?"

Teal'c gave a nod. "I do."

"Me too. I like it. It's more cozy, you know? Not as big as the other places, but hey, size isn't everything," Sheena said, her mouth turning to a big grin before she started to laugh, her expression saying she had done something incredibly naughty.

Teal'c stared as she laughed, her eyes bright and cheeks turning pink. He found himself smiling at her without any clue to why she was laughing. He suddenly wanted to tell her she was most enchanting.

She stopped laughing and smiled. "So... um... I really like the one with the raisins and dried fruit."

Teal'c stared blankly. Sheena pulled a box of cereal from her shopping cart.

Teal'c nodded. "Indeed."

"You should try it," she said handing Teal'c the box.

Teal'c looked at the box and smiled. "I shall."

He looked at Sheena standing in front of him, her hands disappearing into her sleeves as she shrugged. Teal'c wanted to sigh like a lovelorn teenage Jaffa. He said, "You have beautiful spectacles."

Sheena seemed to color. "Really? My friend says they make me look like a librarian."

"A most beautiful librarian."

Sheena scrunched up her face. "You don't know my friend."

"Hey," O'Neill suddenly appeared at Teal'c's side, tossing a great slab of cheese into the shopping cart. "Friend of yours?"

Sheena smiled nervously, her smile seeming to falter when O'Neill arm draped an arm over Teal'c's shoulder. "We were just discussing bran."

O'Neill nodded. "Right. Bran. Well, nice meeting you... Miss?"

"Sheena," Teal'c said.

Sheena looked up at Teal'c, her face slightly fallen. Teal'c felt a pang of sadness too. The two men walked away, O'Neill patting Teal'c on his posterior for show no doubt. Teal'c pushed the other man away and walked in silence as O'Neill talked.

"I heard that. Beautiful spectacles? What are you thinking?"

"She is the most beautiful woman I have ever encountered," Teal'c said. "And now she thinks I am with you."

"Hey, no need to look so pissed off. You're no prize either. And anyway, what were you going to do? Ask her out on a date?"

"I would have invited her to share a beverage. Perhaps a meal."

"A meal? Are you nuts? You go for a meal and back to her place, what then? What are you going to say when she sees Junior? It's a spare? And you planning on keeping your hat on all the time?"

"I had not thought as far as your filthy mind, O'Neill," Teal'c said sullenly.

"Teal'c, all I'm saying is, it's better for you to get an off world girlfriend, or someone who's already a part of the SGC. Trust me, it would never work out with bran girl over there."

Teal'c sighed and looked back in time to see Sheena pick another cereal box and read the back as the contents fell out on to the floor. How was he supposed to forget someone like that?

*

Sam was still reading the first book she had picked up from the new books display as Daniel moved on to another. When she had snickered for the millionth time, Daniel poked her and said, "What's so funny?"

Sam turned the book around to show Daniel. "Wormhole physics. It's hilarious. This is guy is so up his own ass it's amazing."

Daniel stared. "You need help."

Sam grinned as Daniel moved towards another display, freezing and picking up a book. He flicked through it and groaned.

"What's wrong?" Sam said sidling up to him.

"Steven's new book, An Idiot's Guide to Refuting That Aliens Built Ancient Monuments. That man was always so subtle."

Sam took the book and flicked through it, finally going back to the second page. "Ah."

"What?"

Sam showed Daniel the book and he read out the dedication. "As ever, dedicated to Doctor Daniel Jackson. Academia awaits your return."

Sam watched as Daniel took a deep breath and shut the book shut. "You okay?" Sam asked as she placed her hand on Daniel's arm.

"Oh yeah. The guy I was in love with turns out straight. The guy I had a chance with thinks I'm a reptile and the guy I used to be with is furiously fueling the flames by not letting people forget that Doctor Daniel Jackson is a raving mad lunatic. I couldn't be better," Daniel said with a tight smile.

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Coffee?"

Daniel sighed and gave a pathetic little nod. They headed to the small coffee bar across the street and grabbed a booth by the window where they could watch the snow falling.

Sam took a quick glance at a newspaper someone had left behind. She shook her head at the front page.“Vigilante makes third appearance in Colorado and stops would-be robber.” Sam snorted and threw the paper aside. “It's not fair we don't get to be in papers. We're always saving stuff.”

"It's a crying shame. So, you're blond again. How's that working out?" Daniel asked taking a sip of his coffee.

Sam tugged on a strand of hair. "It's great. I feel fantastic. You know, just great."

Daniel smiled. "Right. It's that easy."

"Well, I could always find an ex to sleep with to ease the pain."

Daniel grimaced. "I can't believe I did that. There's not enough soap in the world. What an idiot."

"Yes. Yes you are," Sam said nodding. "We all are," she added when Daniel gave her a reprimanding look.

"You know Janet's still not talking to Jack," Daniel said.

Sam shrugged. "Don't look at me. I did the whole forgive and forget. If Janet's still feeling guilty, that's her issue. I said I didn't care if her and Colonel Butt Monkey are together."

Daniel nodded. "Maybe if you said they had your blessing it might be different. I can't see Janet taking the words 'butt' and 'monkey' as a positive thing."

Sam looked annoyed. "You know what I mean. I told her I was fine with it. It's up to them to work it out. I'm not involved in this."

Daniel nodded as Sam took a sip of her coffee while she stared at the street outside. Too many people grinning and being happy and buying things. Too much sparkle everywhere. And it was snowing. So picturesque. It made her want to throw up. Daniel didn't seem to appreciate it much either.

"Hey, you okay?" Sam said, touching his hand.

He nodded. "Yeah. I just hate this time of year."

"Doing anything this Christmas?"

Daniel looked at Sam. "I've been instructed to return home so my father and his... his..."

"Husband?" Sam said raising an eyebrow.

Daniel made a face. "Well, his whatever, can parade me in front of all their friends. Hey, look it's Daniel, still single and shunned."

Sam grimaced. "You could spend it with me. We could go out for a meal. Get hammered. Pass out under the tree."

Daniel nodded. "Sure. Way better than my present plan to die alone in my apartment."

"Gee, thanks," Sam said with a smile.

"You know what I mean."

Sam was looking at him closely. She could tell he hadn't been the same since Paul Davis had left the SGC. "God. You need to get laid more than I do," Sam said.

Daniel stared at her blankly. "Gee. Thanks."

Sam grinned. "Is this is about Major Davis?" Daniel grimaced and looked away. "Daniel?"

He shook his head. "I screwed up. What was I thinking being drunk around Sarek? I mean, Paul, he was... he was there all along. Now he's somewhere in Paris and I'm here."

Sam opened her mouth to say something that was hopefully comforting, but Daniel wasn't sure he needed to hear it. He got up and said, “Men's room,” making a swift exit.

Sam shook her head. She knew how Daniel felt. Every time she saw Colonel O'Neill she wanted to disembowel him. Which wasn't as bad as imagining him having sex with Janet, every time she saw him. Sam scowled at the thought and looked into the stupid snowy street with stupid couples holding their stupid hands. She sighed.

Then she saw someone that looked familiar. Someone on the other side of the street. Someone called Major Paul Davis. That wasn't all. He was with another someone. A tall man with his scarf wrapped half way around his face. The man was pointing across the street and Paul was objecting. Then the man grabbed Paul's arm and dragged him along.

Sam ducked down as they neared, watching as they walked in and shook their coats free of snow. Paul's friend removed his, coat and scarf revealing a tan, full lips and sharp nose that accentuated his smoldering gray eyes, his eyelashes dark, thick and long. His body was clearly lean and honed under the tight black sweater.

"Oh boy," Sam muttered, putting a menu in front of her her face. She flipped open her phone and dialed the last person she wanted to talk to.

*

Jack watched Teal'c silently as he pushed the shopping cart into the parking lot. For a man who didn't seem to have too many facial expressions, Teal'c seemed to be doing a number of interpretations of misery quite well.

Jack's eyebrows furrowed with irritation as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Teal'c remained silent. "Okay, stop that," Jack finally snapped.

Teal'c let go of the shopping cart. "Stop what, O'Neill?"

Jack gestured towards Teal'c. "That! You're sulking, Teal'c. I think you're a little too old for that."

"I am not sulking, O'Neill. I am simply angered that after the sacrifices I have made for your world, I am expected to sacrifice any chance of happiness."

"What? I'm not telling you to do that. I'm just saying you can't go out with that woman. Teal'c, buddy, you're not like her. You're..." Jack looked around. "You're a Jaffa."

"I am aware," Teal'c said, his voice clipped.

"Well, then you're also aware that your being here is a direct result of one of the biggest secrets on this planet. And it has to stay a secret." Teal'c sighed. Jack lay a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Teal'c, it just has to be that way."

"I understand, O'Neill. You are not at fault," Teal'c said pushing the shopping cart towards the jeep.

"Hey, there are plenty of great women on base. I'm sure one them is straight," Jack said.

"Indeed. I believer her name is Doctor Frasier," Teal'c said flatly.

Jack rolled his eyes and stopped himself from responding only because his cellphone began to ring.

"O'Neill. Carter, hey," Jack said surprised. "Everything all right?"

*

Sam shut the phone and stuffed it in her pocket. She couldn't believe the colonel knew Davis was back in town. At the SGC no less. The tanned sex god Paul had brought with him was sitting down at a table and Paul was hanging his coat on the back of his chair. Then she saw Daniel appear from a side door. It wouldn't get ugly, sure, but she didn't need to see Daniel having his heart ripped out.

She got up, picking up her coat with every intention of ushering Daniel out while blaming the quick exit on her ovaries. Too late. Daniel was walking out and he would pass by Paul any second. Sam just prayed Paul would keep standing with his back to Daniel. They were both within an inch of each other. Paul dropped something from his hand. Daniel saw it as he passed and stopped to pick it up. It was in his hand. He was passing it. He was saying something, not looking at Paul. Sam sat down and watched.

"There you go," Daniel said handing over the cellphone.

"Oh, thank you," Paul took the phone and looked to the face of the man who was handing him his phone. His face froze mid-smile. So did Daniel's.

"Paul," Daniel said quietly. "Hi."

Paul nodded. "Daniel. Hello."

Daniel opened his mouth to say more, but found himself incapable of saying anything.

"How are you?" Paul asked.

Daniel nodded. "Good. I'm good. You? I head you were in Paris."

Paul nodded. "I got back a few days ago."

"What are you doing back here?" Daniel asked.

Paul seemed speechless for a moment. "Well, work--"

"And I live here," a man appeared at Paul's side.

The man was about two inches taller than Daniel and was standing next to Paul. With his arm around Paul's waist, pulling him close. Daniel's face seemed to turn bright read.

"This is Luke," Paul said.

Luke held his hand out to Daniel. "Luke Avery. Pleased to meet you."

Daniel stared at the extended hand, frozen on the spot. Sam coughed and prodded him in the back and Daniel flinched, shaking the hand in front of him.

"Daniel Jackson. Likewise," he said.

Luke looked at Paul and then back at Daniel with a smile. Paul seemed frozen. There was an awkward silence all round before Daniel said, "It was good seeing you again."

Daniel turned and looked at Sam, his eyes rolling up into his head before he grimaced and headed out, her trailing behind until they stopped at her car and Daniel said, “I think I miss Sarek.”

*

Teal'c had watched for a while as O'Neill seemed to flinch and move the phone away from his ear. He had covered the mouthpiece and said, "Teal'c, this might take a moment." Back into the phone he said, "Yeah, I know he's in town. So?"

Teal'c narrowed his eyes and sighed inwardly as he moved the cart next to the jeep. He could hear O'Neill telling Major Carter to calm down behind him as he watched the snow. He liked snow. The way it came down in flurries and lay down blanket upon blanket. Everything looked magical under fresh snow.

A woman pushing along her shopping cart looked magical in the snow. Her slow walk. Her nearing her vehicle and preparing to load her bags into the car. Her taking a bag out of the car and standing there when it split and everything fell through the bottom. Teal'c frowned.

It was her.

She didn't see him near or crouch down in front of her to pick up the fallen items. When his hand touched hers as he picked up a box of Oreos, she looked up.

She was surprised. "Hi. It's you," she said with a smile.

Teal'c nodded. "I will assist you."

Teal'c helped redistribute the items into other bags.

"Thank you," she said, the cold turning her cheeks and nose pink.

Teal'c gave a nod. He wanted to say more, but nothing came to him. Sheena was watching him, as though she was also waiting for him to say something. The moment passed.

"Um...your boyfriend's giving you weird looks," Sheena said, face scrunched behind the spectacles again.

Teal'c looked back and sure enough, O'Neill was watching Teal'c with a glare of epic proportions.

"Indeed," Teal'c murmured before turning back to Sheena.

Sheena sighed and pushed the shopping cart into a line of carts just near the car. She came back and held out her hand.

"Thanks for your help, Murray." Teal'c took her hand and held it. They both stood there unmoving until Sheena pulled her hand. "I have to go now."

He watched as she hurriedly got in the car and then screeched out of her parking space. Within seconds, her dangerous driving had taken her away from him.

Teal'c slowly walked back to the jeep, which O'Neill had already started up. He got in and stared ahead as O'Neill reversed.

"I may be in love, O'Neill."

O'Neill slammed on the brakes. "Oh, for crying out loud!"

"I cannot explain it. I am bewitched. Never have I felt like this before."

"Well snap out of it!" O'Neill yelled. "Teal'c, you will not go looking for that women. Do you want your freedom taken away? Do you really want to spend all your time on base?"

"You would confine me, O'Neill? Your brother in arms?"

"No, not me. But I'm sure there are plenty of people who wouldn't think twice."

Teal'c shook his head. "I cannot stop thinking of her."

“You just met her.” O'Neill reversed out and then drove out of the parking lot. "You're going to have to. You cannot have a relationship with a civilian. It's not happening." Teal'c didn't reply. "Teal'c? Teal'c? Buddy? You hearing me?"

"Indeed," was all Teal'c said.

*

It was another cold December morning and the snow was still falling non-stop. The SGC was cold enough to keep ice-cream frozen outside of a freezer. Not a single member of the facility looked happy to be there. The SG teams were practically begging the colonel to send them off world. Preferably somewhere tropical.

Sam was once again loitering in the cultural department. There was more heat there. Or at least there had been. Now it seemed distinctly chillier. She neared Daniel's office in time to hear something usually unimaginable.

"Robert, you've had a week. I'm beginning to wonder if recommending you for the SGC was a stupid idea."

Sam raised her brow in surprise and continued to listen from the outside, while admiring the artwork on the walls. Why couldn't the other parts of the base have artwork? Oh right, because Colonel O'Neill sucked.

"Just go, Robert. Okay?"

Robert left the office and right past Sam, looking pissed and muttering, "What crawled up his ass and died?"

"Hey, Robert," Sam said.

He turned back and looked at Sam. "Oh... Major Carter. Hi."

Sam smiled. "It's okay, I didn't hear a thing. Especially about whatever crawled up his ass and died."

Robert gave a roll of the eyes and nodded before hurrying off. Sam walked into the office to see Daniel pacing and running his fingers through his hair.

"So," she said sitting down on the couch. "What crawled up your ass and died?” Daniel turned to see her, his face flushed. "Wow. You're really mad. What's wrong?"

Daniel stopped pacing and stood in front of Sam. "I got phone call this morning. One of our major benefactors has persuaded the rest of the funders that the cultural department needs more rules and regulations."

Sam frowned. "What kind of rules and regulations?"

"Notice a chill in the air?"

"I did as it happens."

"I've been told we should come into line with the military on base. No more luxuries apparently. Oh and more off world diplomacy on my part and less digging in the dirt for fun. Not my words." Daniel slumped next to Sam on the couch. "They're asking us to rough it."

Sam shrugged. "Have you been near the stargate in the last week? We're using candles. There are fire torches lining the corridors."

Daniel nodded. "I know, that part looks great."

"I'm using oil lamps to light my lab."

"Isn't that a little extreme?" Daniel asked.

"Colonel O'Neill says we've used up our quota of light bulbs for the year. I'm just glad he hasn't ordered us to dig trenches."

Daniel sighed. "I don't understand why. It makes no sense. I mean, it's not like we indulge in excessive luxury."

Sam frowned. "Daniel, you guys have your own Starbucks. We've got the commissary and a head chef who feels that corn on the cob is a suitable base for desserts."

"We need that Starbucks. Everyone knows academia and caffeine need each other. It's a mutually beneficial relationship," Daniel said seriously.

"Get a jar of instant like the rest of us," Sam said flatly.

"Sure, why don't I eat out of my shoes while I'm planning my downward descent."

Sam grinned. "Truly, spoken like the step-son of a potential senator."

Daniel turned to face Sam's satisfied grin. "Cold."

Sam laughed and patted Daniel's knee. "Come on, let's enjoy it while we can. You can buy me a peach tea."

"I'm sorry, that's not possible anymore," a smooth voice interrupted.

Daniel stood up and looked on in shock, Sam loitering right behind as he said, "Steven?"

*

Jack casually walked into the infirmary. Janet could see he was trying not exhibit too much pleasure at the healthy amount of heat or the non-flaming lights. The infirmary was allowed its hundred percent of resources and military personnel were suddenly clamoring to get health checks. Jack walked through, keeping his eye out for malingering staff no doubt. On a bed near to him, someone was trying to avoid his eyes.

"Siler?"

Siler's head came up and he pretended to notice Jack. "Sir," he said, offering a salute.

"At ease, Sergeant. What're you in for?"

Siler looked guilty. "I uh... I have a stomach ache, sir." Jack stared. Siler folded and sighed. "Sir, it's warm in here."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Get outta here. And I see you even walk past here to catch a gust of heat, you're going to be in charge of lighting all the candles and torches on base."

Siler's shoulders slumped as he walked off muttering, "At least I'll be near some heat that way."

"I heard that, soldier," Jack called behind him.

Jack walked around the infirmary, carefully weeding out least ten other members of staff that had symptoms ranging from seeing everything blue to a sudden development of tourettes. One stern glare from Jack made the tourettes disappear.

Janet was watching quietly from the bedside of genuinely sick patients as Jack threw his rank around. She sighed longingly. Then guilt reared its ugly little head. Stepping into doctor mode, she headed towards Jack to tell him to leave her patients alone. His back was turned to her and she could hear interrogating a major from SG-13.

"Oh come on, Lorne! Guys don't have ovaries!" Jack snapped.

"Sir, if it means getting some heat, I'll even volunteer for an enema," Major Lorne replied through chattering teeth.

"Major?" Jack's tone was impatient. The Major sighed and skulked off.

"There's no need for that. I'm sure I can sift the sick from the well. I wouldn't make a good doctor if I couldn't do that."

Jack turned and his expression was soft. "I know you can do that, but it's my job to know what my people are up to. It's nice you're letting them warm their hands in here, but seriously, I need them out there."

Janet glared. "Fine."

"You can't hate me you know," Jack lowered his voice. "I haven't done anything wrong."

Janet's eyes darted side to side to see who was nearby. "No. You haven't. We both have."

"That's bull and you know it," Jack said quietly as he threw a nod to someone walking past.

"This isn't the time and place," Janet said turning and leaving.

"Uh, Doctor Frasier?" Jack shouted across the infirmary. "Could I see you in your office for a minute please?"

Janet turned and gave Jack a frosty glare. "Absolutely."

Jack gave a smile and followed her into the office. Janet closed the door and discreetly closed the blinds. Then she glared at Jack. "So this is how it's going to be? Every time I don't feel like talking, you're going to pull rank?"

"Well, yeah," Jack replied.

"Oh, grow up, Jack," Janet snapped.

"That's grow up, sir, Doctor," Jack said. Janet gave him a stern look. "Okay, maybe that was too far, but my point is, you don't leave me much choice. You're not returning my pages, my calls, my e-mails, my IMs, my letters... my carrier pigeon."

"Oh my god, that was you?"

"Of course it was me. I just want stuff to be the way it was before we came out," Jack sat down opposite Janet.

"That's impossible," Janet said. "Sam might be talking to me, but I know she's hurting. I can't go off happily into the sunset while she's alone."

"She's a big girl. She can take care of herself."

"And Daniel?"

Jack shrugged. "He's a big girl too."

"Jack, I'm serious. The minute we come out to our friends, he ends up drunk and in bed with his ex. Things with him and Major Davis are screwed up for good. How can we be happy when our best friends aren't?"

Jack stood up and pointed at her. "That's a crock and you know it. You're just using this as a reason to back out because you're scared."

Janet frowned. "Scared of what?"

"Of admitting... stuff... stuff like, well, you're in love with me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Hey, it's not a big deal. I love you too and I think we should be together. We're great people and we shouldn't be wasted being all alone and everything. I've already gained five pounds since we split up. You're killing me here. Listen, we're great together and if you're letting Daniel and Carter get in the way because they don't have their own love life... then... well, it's a cop out."

Janet stared at Jack as he nodded after his piece and headed for the door. She got up and went after him. He opened the door and she shut it before he could leave. He turned to look at her. She reached up to his face, pulled it down and kissed him softly. Smiling up at him, Janet wrapped her arms around Jack and held on tight.

Jack asked, "Okay, now I'm confused."

*

Steven Rayner was standing in the middle of Daniel's office and having a good look around, a smile on his face as Sam and Daniel both looked on.

"I... wha..." Daniel said as he tried to control his emotions.

"As articulate as ever, Daniel," Steven said with a smile.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked.

"Ah, now that's a story," Steven said putting his briefcase on Daniel's desk and smoothing down his white shirt. He stuck his hands in his khakis and took a few steps around the office. "Your story you made up about my little episode? You know, about me having delusions thanks to unknown chemicals? Well, since that was a crock and I threatened to expose said crock, your kind people decided to utilize my talents elsewhere. As a man who is as equally talented as you, Daniel, I've been sent here to make sure you and your people have everything you need to do your job right. And nothing besides that."

"Equally talented? I'm sorry, you know twenty-eight languages now?" Daniel asked with a raise of eyebrows.

Steven snorted. "No. Do you?"

"Let me get this straight, the funding committee sent you to tighten the budget on the cultural department?" Sam asked.

"Yes. Not that it's any of your business," Steven said evenly.

Sam gave him a frosty glare. "You may want to watch yourself around here. The military personnel aren't as accommodating as everyone else. We have a flush heads and ask for apologies later policy."

"Is that a threat?" Steven asked.

"Of course it's a threat. What are you stupid or something?" Sam said as she gave Daniel a pat on the arm. "I thought he was supposed to be as talented as you."

Daniel didn't reply. He was too busy staring at Steven, unable to comprehend this new horror. “Sam, could you give us a moment?”

Sam nodded. "Okay, I'll call you later," she said as she left the office.

Once she was gone, Steven grinned at Daniel and then laughed. "Why do you look so pissed off?"

"My ex-boyfriend's been sent to tell me how I should run my department. I consider that a tad annoying," Daniel replied flatly.

"Daniel. Firstly, I like being around you. Secondly, it's been too long since we worked together and thirdly, you get a chance to show me why my theories suck for a change."

"Steven, firstly, I hate being around you. Secondly, I'd rather castrate myself than work with you. And thirdly? Your theories suck, because so do you," Daniel said calmly before heading for the door.

Steven tutted. "So many issues, Daniel Jackson."

Steven ran to the door and closed it before Daniel could leave. He blocked the way out by leaning against the door.

Daniel scowled as Steven sighed and said, "Look, I'm here to do a job, okay? If you don't want to co-operate, that's fine. I'll just phone the guys in New York and you can answer to them. The quicker we get this out of the way, the quicker I leave."

Steven was waiting for a reply, his face serious. Daniel sighed and stepped back. "Fine,"

Steven came away from the door and held out his hand. "Truce?"

Daniel eyed the hand suspiciously, wondering whose back it could have been stabbing before Steven brought it here. Reluctantly, Daniel took the hand and shook it. "Truce."

Steven grinned and pulled Daniel close. "Now, how about a kiss?"

Daniel pulled his hand away from Steven and wiped it on his pant leg. There was no way this day could go fast enough.

*

Teal'c lay on top of the covers of his bed, staring at the ceiling in silence, his arms folded behind his head as music thrummed through the room as Teal'c kept his gaze on the center of the ceiling. It was a nice up lighter that cast a comforting glow in the room.

He thought about Sheena. He thought about her laugh. He smiled when he remembered the hearty laugh. Then he remembered her leaving. His smile disappeared. He didn't even know her last name. Why hadn't he looked at her number plate? He could still feel her soft hand in his. The bed dipped beside Teal'c.

He turned to see Major Carter beside him, staring at the ceiling. "What are we looking at?"

"Nothing," Teal'c said.

"Oh," she said. "I like this song."

"Indeed."

"Are you okay?"

"I believe I may be in love," Teal'c said.

"Teal'c, I thought we had an understanding."

"I am not in love with you," Teal'c said flatly.

Major Carter sat up. "Really? Since when?"

"I am in love with another. Truly in love," Teal'c said as he sat up. "She is enchanting."

Major Carter fell back on the bed. "Does she have a sister?"

Teal'c cocked his head. "She has a friend."

"Really? Is she enchanting?" Major Carter asked hopefully.

Teal'c raised his eyebrow as he recalled Sheena's comment. "No. I do not believe she is."

Major Carter sighed. "Figures. So, where is this love of your life?"

"I do not know. I have been forbidden to see her by O'Neill as she is a civilian," Teal'c said swinging his feet off the bed and sitting dejectedly on the edge.

Major Carter scooted up behind him and sat on her knees. "Really? A civilian. Well, I guess I can see why."

Teal'c sighed, feeling a hand rubbing his back gently. "Hey, I'll let you cop a feel if it makes you feel any better,"

Teal'c's sighed again. "It is not the same."

Major Carter patted his shoulder. "Well, look on the bright side."

Teal'c looked at his friend for a sign of this so-called bright side.

"Daniel's ex just arrived. I'm guessing sex, violence and bad language. That's always fun."

Teal'c sighed again. Even that did not sound like fun.

*

Paul walked through the corridors of the SGC feeling slightly more nervous than usual. He tried telling himself it was seasonal restlessness, but deep down he knew exactly what it was. Daniel Jackson. He tried to forget about what had happened, but then he just had to think of Sarek and all the jealous rage was back. In fact, every time he thought of Sarek, anger welled up in the pit of his stomach. He could just see that animal of a man straddling Daniel, painting him and having a great old time. It made him angry that he got to pine after Daniel and someone else got to give him comfort sex. The universe was a truly warped place.

And now here he was, back at a place where he would be bumping into Daniel every five minutes. He didn't need this. Paul changed his trajectory and walked towards a wall. There he took his hat off and lay his forehead against the cool concrete and sighed. Before anyone could notice him having a mini-breakdown, he resumed his course down the corridor that was softly glowing with fiery torches. It was always so easy to tell what effect Teal'c was having on base.

*

Sam walked into her semi-lit lab, taking a sip from the foul drink that passed for coffee in the SGC commissary. Grimacing, she doubled back and poured the coffee into her plant project by the door; the project being to kill the alien plant her father had given her has a gift by introducing as many toxins into it as possible.

Plant fed, she went to the main source of light in her lab, a thick, half-melted church candle by her laptop. Picking up a smaller candle she lit it and then used it to light all the other candles scattered throughout the lab. Like the rest of the base, Sam's lab was using only the amount of electricity that was deemed necessary. Somehow, lighting was considered an indulgence in the face of the availability of candles, oil lamps and torches that had been given as a gift in off-world trade negotiations.

Colonel O'Neill was was not a happy man. Especially since it took him almost an hour to light all the candles in his office.

"Hey," Janet said, just as Sam lit the last candles.

Sam turned to see Janet hovering on the other side of the door. If it was possible, she looked even smaller than usual. "Hey," Sam said. "How's it going?"

"Okay," Janet said, finally stepping inside. "Wow, it's cold in here."

"The Octagon thinks we have too much heat," Sam said with a shrug. "I'm wearing three T-shirts under this shirt."

"Why don't you come over to the infirmary? We've got heat."

Sam smiled. She was beginning to let go of the anger. Janet had been building bridges (made of brownies), trying to keep their friendship from breaking and Sam had been cold and distant. In the end, Sam could see she had more to lose. She also realized that she could never hate Janet. It was Colonel Butt Monkey she was having problems being around.

"Well, as tempting as that sounds, I can't. I've got this report I need to finish off. But, maybe we could grab a coffee later?"

Janet's smiled seemed to be filled with relief as she nodded. "That would be great."

Sam gave a nod, wishing they fast forward the awkwardness and be back where they were before she had found out Janet and Jack were a thing. "Plant's still not dead," Sam said.

Janet turned to look at the multi-colored potted bush by the door. "Is it just me or does it look bigger?"

Sam sighed. "Bigger, stronger and uglier."

"Why don't you just throw it through the stargate?" Janet asked, staring at the hypnotically repulsive plant.

Sam stepped up to Janet's side and they both stood watching the plant. "Dad would know. He always knows. He's got radar."

"I could take it. You could say I liked it and you gave it away as a gift," Janet suggested.

Sam stared at Janet. "You would do that for me?"

Janet smiled at Sam. "You're my best friend."

"But it's so disgusting," Sam said, quite awed.

Janet laughed. "I know."

Sam wrapped Janet in a tight embrace. "I'm sorry. I was being selfish."

Janet pulled back, shaking her head. "I should've told you a long time ago."

Sam stroked Janet's arm, part of her regretting that Janet would only ever be a friend and part of her relieved that their friendship had survived anyway. Maybe, Janet had been the wrong person to be angry at all along.

"Janet? Could you do something for me?" Sam said, smiling at the plant.

Janet nodded. "Of course."

"Could you pass this plant onto Colonel O'Neill? Tell him it's my blessing."

Janet stared at the plant. "You know he's afraid of that plant, right?"

"Hey, do you want that blessing or not?" Sam asked.

Janet seemed to think about it and held her hand out to Sam. "You've got a deal."

*

Jack closed his eyes and tried not to fall off his chair from the utter desperation he felt. Major Paul Davis was reeling off a list of orders, targets, objectives, directives and other words Jack hated, which was bad enough, but the dim lighting of the candles was making Jack's eyes feel heavy and he was sure that any second soon, he would start snoring on the outside too.

"Let me get this straight," Jack said, straightening up in his chair. "The Octagon got together with the cultural department's funding committee, formerly their enemy, and came up with a list of objectives for the SGC together?"

Davis nodded. "That's correct, sir. Apparently, some people from both sides arranged a truce on certain issues and they've decided the SGC as a whole can benefit from both parties, rather than two governing bodies for the two sections of the SGC."

Jack nodded. "Okay. So why's Daniel not here? As the guy that runs his half of this facility, shouldn't you be boring the pants off him too?"

Davis's expression was blank and Jack found himself grimacing at the chosen words, given Davis and Daniel's recent history. "Bad example. My point is, if the Octagon and funding committee are making decisions together, shouldn't Daniel be here so we can implement them together?"

Davis looked through his file, using his pen torch. "I was only instructed to brief you, sir. Although, now that you bring it up, it does sound a little odd."

Jack leaned back in his chair, his mind wandering to the recent authorization for Steven Rayner's presence on base. “You know anything about Steven Rayner's assignment to the SGC?"

Davis frowned. "Steven Rayner? The same Doctor Rayner that was involved in--"

"The Osiris hoopla? Yeah, same guy."

"Hoopla?"

"It's a word."

"I haven't been told anything about Doctor Rayner being here."

"Well, all I got was that Rayner's been given authorization on recommendation of the funding committee to nose around the cultural department. They spun some bull about hiring him as a consultant to see what improvements they can make in running the place more efficiently."

Davis looked skeptical. "Just the CD?"

"Damn straight, just the CD. They better not even think of sending some pen pushing geek down here to tell me how to run the SGC."

"I don't understand," Davis said, ignoring Jack's minor protest. "Daniel... Doctor Jackson's been running his department just fine. Why would they suddenly need to re-evaluate it?"

"Beats me, but something's definitely up. And why the hell Rayner?"

"Well, the... Osiris hoopla," Davis said. "His file shows him to be a very bright academic. He and Dan... Doctor Jackson had the same mentor. Since he already knows Dan... Doctor Jackson-"

"Will you just call him Daniel already?" Jack snapped. "I know you guys have issues, but you're driving me crazy, Major."

Davis sighed and gave a nod. "I'm sorry, sir. I shouldn't be letting my personal life affect my work."

"Are you kidding me? This is the SGC. It's a fucking soap opera," Jack said.

Davis's usually professional shoulders sagged. "Well, as I was saying, sir. Since Rayner already knows Daniel, maybe it was just a logical step to bring him in."

"I dunno. Looks to me as though someone on the committee thought it might be funny to get him to the one too oversee tightening the CD's belt. Their Starbucks was the first thing to get shut down."

Davis looked stunned. "They have a Starbucks?"

"Not anymore. Sure am going miss that place."

Just then, an errant gust of air blew in through the door to Jack's office, blowing out all the candles and leaving the place pitch black. A moment later Davis switched his penlight on and went back to the document in front of him.

"Moving onto point twenty-seven," Davis said.

Jack closed his eyes and thought of Mary Steenburgen.

*

Daniel glared at Steven as the other man sat opposite him, scribbling down notes on a pad of paper. He was on his tenth page. They were sitting in the middle of the department's main restaurant, a large dining area decorated in a tasteful Japanese theme, with small but dramatic splashes of red and black decorations against the warm creme paintwork. It was a place that Daniel loved and Steven had declared unnecessary as soon as they arrived.

Daniel looked at his watch again as Steven showed no sign of stopping his scribblings. "Is this going to take any longer. I have work to do," Daniel said. "I've shown you everything there is."

Steven looked up calmly and smiled, his eyes wandering over Daniel. "Well, not everything." Daniel glared and simmered in silence. Steven rolled his eyes and continued writing. "Look, your bosses, you know, the people that are paying for your Starbucks, your fancy restaurant, the expensive decor and artwork and a ton of other extravagances, are also paying me so I can weed out all the distractions and your people can do some work. I'm quite sure your academic endeavoring won't wilt without your extravagances."

Daniel resisted the urge to pick up his coffee cup and slam it into Steven's head. "Heat, hot water and lighting are not extravagances."

Steven looked up, smug. "Well, ordinarily, I'd agree. But the military portion of this facility is apparently running fine with a limitation on those exact things. The committee feels that your department and the military section should be run along the same lines where possible."

"Have you been downstairs? It smells like a locker room. Besides, they're all accustomed to being screwed over. What I don't understand is why the funding committee suddenly want my department to run according to the Octagon's synaptic mis-firings."

Steven leaned back in his chair and smiled. "God, I forgot how hot you are when you get all riled up."

Daniel felt a hundred blood capillaries bursting somewhere inside him, but he forced his muscles to not twitch, flinch or tremor as his hand tightened around the coffee cup.

"Why are you so angry?" Steven asked, leaning forward and looking over Daniel's flushed face. "I mean, we had good times, right? Sure, it was a little crazy near the end, but come on, before that? Every hour was happy hour. That was some really good sex. I mean, wow, you can be really--"

Daniel stood up and turned to go. "I'm leaving."

"Same old problem, Daniel. Haven't changed a bit."

Daniel turned back slowly and gave Steven a level stare. "That's funny, because neither have you."

Daniel walked out, aware that Steven was watching him with a big smile on his face.

*

Teal'c went through the motions of exercising, his mind not really on the moves, but his body carrying on regardless. He couldn't stop thinking of Sheena, no matter what he tried. O'Neill was probably right. He couldn't risk the secrecy of the stargate project by consorting with civilians. That would be selfish and careless. But then, he wasn't intending on every conversation beginning with an expose on the secrets within Cheyenne Mountain and his own personal, unwanted tenant.

Symbiote: Hey!

But, O'Neill was right. He could always try and forge a relationship with one of the women on base. O'Neill was also obviously ridiculous. Most of the women on base were forging relationships with each other and it was doubtful that any of the heterosexuals on base were going to be coming out anytime soon. And was O'Neill not himself trying to carry out a clandestine relationship with Doctor Frasier? Perhaps secrecy was the key.

Teal'c looked down and realized he was standing motionless in the middle of his living room. He wondered what Sheena was doing.

*

Janet placed the plant on Jack's desk and stood back, watching the blank look on his face.

Jack finally got up and looked at Janet. "Forget it!"

"Look, this is Sam's way of saying she gives us her blessing," Janet explained.

"That's great. How about we bless the infirmary with it?" Jack suggested.

Janet gave Jack an impatient look. "For health reasons, that would not be a good idea."

"I have health! Why do I have to put it in here?" Jack almost whined, eying the ugly plant.

"Jack, you know what I mean," Janet said sternly.

"I'm not keeping it here," Jack said adamantly. "It's evil."

"It's a plant."

"An evil plant." Janet looked unamused. Jack came around the desk and sat down on the edge, taking Janet's hand in his, the candle-light dim enough to cloak indiscretions. "Look, how great a friend is Carter anyway? Couldn't we just get you another one?"

Janet snatched her hand back. "One, that's not funny and two, what if I said that about Daniel?"

"Sure, I could do that. I've been thinking about trading Daniel in for a while now anyway," Jack said dryly. Janet stared. "Fine, I'll keep the damn thing," Jack said with a sigh. "I guess it could always have an unfortunate accident with all these candles all over the place." Jack looked around and reached for a candle on his desk.

Janet pulled his hand away from the candle and then pulled his face around to look at her, giving him a small kiss.

Jack smiled at her. "Thank you."

"No, thank you," Janet said with a smile.

"You shouldn't come up here, with all these candles all over the place," Jack said quietly.

"Why?" Janet asked, a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Because," Jack replied, his only answer before pulling Janet towards him for another kiss.

The door flew open and Daniel walked into the room, Janet and Jack's heads snapping around simultaneously to look at him.

"That's it! I want it him out!" Daniel demanded.

Jack stood up. "Right, you're right. This is probably pretty inappropriate. I should go. Let you cool off?"

Janet grabbed Jack's arm as he made a move to step away, while Daniel turned back to shut the door. "He wasn't talking to me, Jack."

Jack tried not to look too caught out and nodded as Janet lit some of the candles that had blown out when the door opened. He gave Daniel his full attention. “So, problems?”

"It's Steven, he's driving me nuts," Daniel said, his hands coming up in front of him, like frozen claws.

Jack neared Daniel, taking his fingers and straightening them out. "A little tense too, huh?"

Daniel scowled at Jack and threw his hands down. "I'm being serious," he said flatly, pushing past Jack and taking one of the seats in front of the desk.

"Who's Steven?" Janet asked, sitting down next to him as Jack took a seat on the edge of his desk.

"Steven Rayner," Daniel said with a sigh.

"Steven Rayner? Wasn't he the one involved in that whole--"

"Osiris hoopla? Yeah, that's the guy," Jack answered.

"What's he doing here?" Janet asked as Daniel stared at Jack.

"Hoopla?" Daniel asked as Jack shrugged.

"I thought we were finished with him," Janet said.

"Welcome to the club," Daniel said flatly. "He's been hired by the funding committee to poke holes in our budget because apparently, we're over indulgent and in our line of work, there's no need for luxuries. He said his objective is to see if it's viable to bring the department in line with the military part of the SGC." Daniel looked up at Jack. "Can't you do something about him?"

"Your funding committee have authorization from the Octagon, Daniel," Jack said. "I can't go over their heads. Not unless he breaks the stargate or something." Daniel gave Jack a long look. "I am not breaking the Stargate, Daniel," Jack added.

Daniel sighed dejectedly as he shook his head. Then he looked back at Jack with raised eyebrows. Jack responded by giving him a suspicious frown.

"You've got lots of black ops connections, right?"

"A few."

"Couldn't you get one of them to break his legs?"

"That's not the way it works, Daniel."

"Take him for a little walk?"

"I don't think so."

"Maybe a little drive?"

"No."

"Make him some cement shoes?"

"They work for the USAF, not the mafia."

Daniel stared down at his hands. "Do you know anyone that does work for the mafia?" Jack smiled as Janet gave Daniel a small pat on the arm. Daniel turned to Janet. "Maybe you could give me some morphine."

Janet shrugged. "Sure."

"Hey," Jack threw Janet a surprised frown as she grinned back.

Daniel was looking at the two of them, the looks that passed between them. "So, you guys are back together."

Jack's nodded. "Yeah, we are. That gonna be a problem, buddy?"

Daniel looked at Janet. "Yeah, it is a problem. I think you can do way better than Jack." Janet's face broke out into a grin and she leaned across to kiss Daniel's cheek. Daniel turned to Jack. "I'm happy for you guys."

Jack had a huge smile on his face. "Hey," he said, "you want me to break Rayner's legs? Because, seriously, I'll do it."

Daniel sighed. "No. I think I'll just put up with him. I mean, what's the worst he could do?"

*

Jack was sure he'd never seen Daniel look as miserable in his life as he did now. Daniel, Teal'c and Carter were seated around the briefing table, their personal lanterns glowing in front of them, all of them with varying scowls of misery. Jack was watching from his office, where it was safe from the scowls.

Teal'c was staring straight ahead, like someone had stolen his sense of humor. Opposite him was Carter, elbow on table, face resting on palm as she doodled sulkily on her notepad. And at the end of the table was Daniel, grouchy look on face as he read the file in front of him.

Jack figured Carter was still grouchy about him and Janet and the general Christmasness outside. Jack was more than certain that Teal'c was still moping about the woman at the supermarket. And Daniel?

Daniel was wearing a pair of blue BDUs like everyone else in his department; a department that was now as cold as the rest of the SGC and similarly lit by candles and fiery torches. Steven Rayner was also now a permanent employee of the SGC, his office next to Daniel's. Daniel had remained scarily calm when telling Jack. So calm that Jack had decided keeping a safe distance and sharp objects out of reach.

Jack looked at his watch and sighed, wondering if he really had to go out there.

"Sir, you're eventually going to have to go out there."

Jack turned and looked at Davis who was watching him with a frown. "Hey, you don't know those people like I do. Under those almost normal looking people are crazy, insane, head cases. It's why they work here."

"I thought they were your friends," Davis said.

"They are. How do you think I know all that?"

Jack turned back to the window and three pairs of eyes looked up at the same time and saw Jack before he could jump out of sight. Jack sighed and came out of his office, Davis following him. Jack sat down at the table, clearing his throat a couple of times, until finally he received some annoyed attention.

"So, how are we?" Jack asked with a smile. The stares said he wouldn't get an answer. "Good. I'm fine too, in case anyone's wondering. Major? How about you?"

Davis stared at Jack. "Uh...good, thank you. May I?"

"Please," Jack said. "Really."

Davis nodded and opened his file. "You'll recall that a week ago, SG-15 did a standard meet and greet and were due for a follow-up mission today. Anyway, the Octagon feels this should be a job for SG-1."

Carter frowned. "There is no SG-1."

"Well, officially, SG-1 were never put out of commission, you're still expected to perform special duties, with the exception of Colonel O'Neill."

Three pairs of eyes looked at Jack. He frowned. "I never told you guys? Didn't mention it? I'm sure I mentioned it. I think there was a... memo."

Daniel looked across at Davis, his eyes exceptionally icy. "Why do they want us to go?"

"The joint chiefs feel that relations with this planet could be of great benefit to us and SG-1 would be the ones to make a good impression."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Good impression? Have you read our files?"

Davis smiled. "They have high hopes for these negotiations, sir, and with all due respect, Colonel Dixon and his team have the negotiating skills of a bull in a china shop."

Jack smiled. "I know. But you gotta love those guys."

"If this unknown element they've found turns out to be naquadah, then Christmas just came early for the Octagon," Daniel said flatly.

"Well, we're hoping for mutually beneficial relations," Davis said.

"You mean, the kind where they give us naquadah and we give them magic beans?" Daniel asked.

“I hope we can offer more than that, Doctor Jackson," Davis answered smoothly.

"SG-15's report says they're at war with their neighboring country," Daniel said. "I guess the Octagon would be willing to get involved for the right amount of naquadah, right?"

Davis looked down at his report. "One of the SGC's fundamental objectives is still to protect this planet the best that we can and if that means doing everything in our power to procure technology that can help us, I don't think we're doing anything wrong."

"Getting involved in other people's affairs just as long as they can give you what you want, I'd say there's a whole lot wrong with that," Daniel replied.

"Well, I guess not everyone's as morally centered as you, Daniel," Davis replied icily.

The room seemed to fall into a tense and uncomfortable silence. Daniel was staring at Davis, no doubt knowing exactly what Davis was referring too. Jack figured that in a sense it was true. You did need a distinct lack of morals to have sex with Sarek under any circumstances.

"I'm sorry, Doctor Jackson," Davis was saying, not looking at Daniel. "That was uncalled for."

Daniel said nothing, looking away as Jack cleared his throat and said, “Uh...well, I think we're about done here. You have a go.”

Jack watched as Daniel, Teal'c and Carter all got up simultaneously, picking up their lanterns and skulking out like spoiled teenagers. Davis was staring at his report, looking miserable.

Jack rolled his eyes. The last person he wanted to comfort in the world was Major Paul Davis. "You all right?"

Davis looked at Jack, far from all right. "With all due respect, sir, what do you care?"

Jack shrugged. "I care that a very professional man just got personal, Major. We might have our differences, but...well... you know, it's not like I hate you."

Davis frowned. "Thank you. I think."

"Look, I understand you and Daniel have had your issues, but seriously, if things are over between you, move on. If you're happy with this new guy, why are you even thinking about Daniel?"

"How do you know about the new guy?" Davis asked.

"Carter told Frasier, Frasier told me," Jack said with a shrug. “Apparently that's how it works when you're a couple. It's pretty cool actually. I had no idea gossip was so much fun.”

Davis scowled. "Is anything a secret around here?"

Jack shrugged. "Not while Frasier and Teal'c are working here." Davis shook his head and looked away as Jack got up. "Like I said, if you've moved on, you should move on."

Jack picked up his file and walked into his office, sitting down at his desk with a sigh. Five minutes into his paperwork, he looked up and noticed that Davis was still there, sulking at the briefing room table.

"Uh, Major?" Jack said, sticking his head around the door frame.

Davis looked up with surprise. "Sir?"

Jack tried to be delicate about this. "When I say move on, I mean get the hell out of the briefing room."

*

The gate was dialing up and Sam, Daniel and Teal'c stood at the foot of the ramp, waiting to go on their first mission together for a while now. It was an odd experience by any standards, to be standing there in the candle-lit gate room.

"So, you're stuck with Rayner," Sam said quietly.

"Looks that way. I can't believe he has the nerve to walk around in civilian clothes after recommending we have to wear uniforms," Daniel said, shaking his head.

"Uniform's not so bad."

"It chafes."

"Sometimes."

A heavy sigh made Sam and Daniel turn their heads to look at Teal'c who was silently staring at the gate, his expression blank. He'd never been this quiet as long as they'd known him.

"What's with Teal'c?" Daniel whispered.

"He's in love with some woman," Sam said.

"Figures. Look at him, miserable and stressed out. What else could it be?"

"I've never seen him so sad. Yesterday, I got him a whole box of donuts. Didn't even touch it. Had to finish it all by myself."

Daniel gave Sam a sympathetic look. "Christmas blues?"

Sam sighed and nodded as Daniel put his arm around her and pulled her in for a small hug.

"We need to get laid," Daniel said. "We need to get Teal'c laid. Actually, I'd be happy to help if he'd let me."

Sam covered her mouth to hide the laugh.

"Daniel Jackson, Major Carter, though your concern is most touching and appreciated, I should warn you that I can in fact hear your private conversation. And Daniel Jackson, though your willingness to provide sexual relief is most interesting and heartwarming, I must insist you end this conversation immediately should either of you wish to keep the use of your legs."

Sam and Daniel smiled at Teal'c and offered in unison a, "Sorry."

The last chevron locked as the bay doors opened and Paul joined the team.

"You have a go SG-1... and Major Davis," Jack announced from the control room. "Bring me back something nice."

Daniel recognized the change in Sam's body as she began to turn and he quickly grabbed her arm and urged her to continue up the ramp. "You can't give him the finger, he's the colonel," Daniel said quietly.

"Come on, just this once," Sam said, before Daniel shoved her through the event horizon. "Spoil sport," Sam muttered as she stepped out the other side.

"Welcome," a middle-aged, bearded man greeted Sam as the rest of her teammates appeared at her side.

Sam gave a nod. "Chancellor Kanan?"

"I am he," the man said with a smile. "You must be Major Carter."

"Yes and this is Doctor Daniel Jackson, Teal'c and Major Paul Davis."

Kanan gave everyone a friendly nod and smile, his hands clasped in front of him all the time. "I am very honored to have you all here."

"It's an honor to be here," Daniel said politely.

"Well, we will be meeting the rest of the council shortly. Perhaps afterwards, you would like a tour of our facility?" Kanan asked.

"That would be great," Sam said.

"Sorry, I'm late," a younger man said, jogging down the corridor. He gave everyone an acknowledging nod.

Kanan looked a little irritated by his colleague's lack of punctuality. "These are our visitors from Earth.” He turned to Sam "Major Carter, This is our adviser to the High Minister, Jonas Quinn."

A light breeze seemed to come out of nowhere and Daniel felt it run its fingers through his hair. When it was gone, he frowned, suspiciously glancing around at the stargate.

*

Jack suppressed a shiver as he walked past Daniel's office, the air cold enough to mist his breath. His lantern was casting a soft glow down the dim corridor as he moved along it. He stopped in front of the next office, a new name plate reading 'Doctor Steven Rayner' gracing the front of the door. Jack frowned at it and took out a black marker pen from his pocket, proceeding to successfully change the name 'Rayner' to 'Boner'. Sure, it wasn't much in the way of revenge for Daniel, but it was something.

Jack knocked on the door and waited a few seconds for a response. Nothing. After a quick glance in both directions of the corridor, Jack tried the door handle. Unlocked. He slipped inside and closed the door behind him, heading for Steven's desk. There was no paperwork on the desk and the drawers were locked. His laptop was open though, but switched off. Jack frowned at it and randomly tapped a key.

The computer instantly powered up, Steven's e-mail program open. The sent items were a collection of e-mails harassing staff to turn up for one-to-one meetings to assess the running of the department, but more than half of them were to Daniel, asking him endless questions to do with cutting the budget. In the inbox were terse replies from Daniel and excuses from the staff that kept missing their appointments.

The folder of deleted messages was filled with similar items. Except for one. Jack leaned forward to read the name Francis Antwerp. It seemed familiar, but he couldn't think why. He opened the e-mail.

Your job is to find whatever unsavory activities Jackson might be involved in. If he's not fit for his job, I want hard evidence. Keep your suggestions for when you replace him.

Jack sat back and looked at the screen. "Well, well, Doctor Boner, looks like you're up to no good."

*

“And obviously, in exchange we would be willing to help you in any way we can,” Paul was saying to a panel of the Kelownan council.

Daniel wanted to yawn. Diplomacy was as much fun as sinking in quicksand when you knew there was only one inevitable outcome. It was more than apparent that the Kelownans were not going to share their precious metal no matter how much ass Paul kissed. Daniel sighed. He couldn't believe Paul had the audacity to look so good. Fresh, with bright eyes, not a hair out of place and his mouth so sure around the words coming out of it.

Daniel sighed some more as he glanced across at Teal'c, still looking miserable, unlike the Kelownans seated opposite them, all of them smiling politely. Except for Jonas who appeared slightly morose as he sat with his eyes focused on the file in front of him. Daniel felt a kick from his left and scowled at Sam who didn't shift her gaze in the slightest, forcing Daniel to pay attention to Paul as he went in for the big sell.

“Of course, we have more more advanced technology and could help you mine the rocks more efficiently. Help you with the applications for its use, if it turns out to be what we think it is,” Paul said.

“We have found numerous applications for its use,” replied Council Levar, a smiling, old, white-haired man, receiving many smiles of approval from the members of the panel, with the exception of Jonas.

“We could help you find more,” Sam offered.

Levar gave another of his smiles. “That will not be necessary.”

“The Tau'ri are an advanced race. They can help you further your technology,” Teal'c said, sounding rather weary.

“We have scientists for this,” Levar said.

“With all due respect, your technology is about seventy or eighty years behind ours. We could help you to move faster than you are right now,” Daniel said.

“There is no harm in natural progression,” Levar said, still polite, still smiling.

“So, there's nothing you want from us?” Paul asked.

“Your friendship is of great value to us. To know we are not alone in this universe,” Levar said, looking genuinely happy.

Daniel watched Paul, Sam and Teal'c staring at Levar as if they had no idea what he was talking about.

“Friendship?” Sam asked as if someone had just requested a box of dirty diapers.

Levar smiled and nodded with the rest of the panel, except for Jonas who simply watching the proceedings.

“Friendship,” Paul echoed.

Daniel shook his head, wondering if military minds were simply incapable of comprehending such a concept. “Friendship would be great,” Daniel said with a smile.

“And in return, you have ours,” Levar said, looking even happier if that was possible.

Daniel watched Paul and Sam exchange disappointed looks.

“And we're honored you want to be our friends,” Daniel said, smiling and nodding. “However, we were hoping that you could give us some of that rock substance you found as a token of friendship. Since you have such an abundance.”

Levar smiled. “No.”

Daniel raised his eyebrows. “No?”

Still smiling, Levar repeated, “No.”

“Councilor, this substance could help us in our fight against the Goa'uld and if the Goa'uld ever return to your world, we could help you to use it too,” Paul said.

Levar frowned, still smiling though. “Our research shows that the Goa'uld have not been here for a very long time.”

“Yes, but now you've opened your gate there's every chance they might return,” Paul said.

Levar gave a nod. “Then we will close it.”

“You can't just cut yourself off. The stargate is an amazing opportunity for exploration,” Daniel said.

Levar gave another thoughtful nod and smiled. “Then we will take our chances.”

“Look,” Sam said, putting on her big military voice. “We just need a small sample for testing. SG-15 weren't even sure if this is the substance we think it might be.”

“And what if it is?” Levar asked.

Sam smiled sheepishly, not looking like big military anymore. “We'll ask for more?”

Levar smiled. “You will not receive it. We have many plans for the naquadria.”

“I believe you mean naquadah,” Teal'c corrected Levar.

“Naquadria,” Jonas spoke, earning everyone's attention.

“No, we're pretty sure it's naquadah,” Daniel said.

Jonas nodded. “Yes, we also found that word in the translations, but the substance we discovered is most certainly naquadria.”

Daniel looked at Sam, the words 'translation' and 'naquadria' securing their interest. Sam looked back at Levar. “What exactly are your plans for the naquadria?”

“The substance is powerful. There is much we can do,” Levar said with a happy smile.

Daniel shook his head in disappointment. “Like build weapons? Use them on your neighbors?”

“Why would we do such a thing? Our neighbors are our friends,” Levar said.

Daniel kicked Sam's leg as she looked a little too appalled by Levar's sentiment.

“I'm sorry, we were under the impression that you're at war with your neighbors,” Paul said with a frown.

Levar laughed, the panel tittering along with him. “A small misunderstanding. We are involved in war games you see. Every ten years we re-enact the great war to remind ourselves of the horror so it may never happen again. There are no real weapons employed.”

Paul sighed and looked across at Sam. Sam turned to Daniel with a similarly annoyed look on her face.

“SG-15 are dead,” she said.

Daniel shrugged. “I kind of like them.”

They all turned back to see Levar smiling brightly. “Perhaps you would like a tour of the facilities. You can see the naquadria labs and Jonas will show you some of the artifacts recovered from the dig.”

Sam lifted up a finger. “Just one question.”

“You may ask as many as you wish,” Levar said.

“You're not giving us anything, are you?”

Levar seemed to be thinking it over. “Would you like a beverage?”

*

Jack looked at the monitor where Carter and Davis stood looking sullen and bored. “So, let me get this straight. No naquadah?”

“No, sir. They only want to give us their friendship,” Carter answered.

“Can't we have a little naquadah with it?” Jack asked.

“Actually, sir, they said they have a substance the Goa'uld referred to as naquadria. They're going to show us around the labs,” Davis said.

“What about this war situation? Maybe we can offer them some help as mediators or something in exchange for some of this naquadria stuff, if it's any good,” Jack said.

“Yes, sir. About the war thing,” Carter said.

Jack narrowed his eyes at the monitor. “This is about SG-15, isn't it?”

*

Daniel was currently being shown around the top secret facility where the Kelownans kept their stargate. Unlike the SGC, the facility was at least sixty years behind in technological advancements. Ironically, unlike the SGC, the lighting was provided by light bulbs and there was no need to wear two sweaters to keep warm.

Jonas seemed an interesting guy. Bright, young and smart. Also he was ruggedly handsome and his broody disposition seemed to suit him. Although, it wouldn't have killed him to smile at least once. Daniel continued to listen to the fascinating findings, glad that Sam, Paul and Teal'c were stuck in the stuffy conference room, involved in customary Goa'uld 101.

"So, you think the Goa'uld were experimenting with this naquadria stuff before they were mysteriously wiped out?"

Jonas nodded. "Our scientists think that possibly a meteor impacted our planet and wiped them out."

"Well, as pleasing a thought that is, don't you think there's a chance that their experimentation with the naquadria might have gone, well, wrong? I mean, if that stuff's capable of the kind of energy bursts you think it is, it's plausible that even the Goa'uld didn't anticipate what they were dealing with."

Jonas was thoughtfully nodding as Daniel spoke. "It's certainly crossed the minds of a few people, but the government wants concrete proof of that theory. The laboratories are through here."

Past the doors was a long corridor with labs on either side, people working away on experiments behind the large windows. Daniel stopped outside one window and watched to see a man closing the panel on a small rectangle box. Jonas stepped up to the window, watching alongside him.

"That's Simian. He's been finding some interesting uses for smaller quantities of naquadria. He's had some great ideas," Jonas said, not really sounding incredibly impressed.

Daniel watched as Simian moved off to another table, picked up a tray of objects and returned to the first table. He picked up what Daniel was certain were two slices of white bread, proceeding to put them into the two slots at the top of the experimental contraption. Simian pushed down a lever on the side. Daniel frowned.

"That thing uses naquadria?"

"I believe so." The appliance crackled and two black pieces of toast shot out and upwards, breaking the overhead light and startling Simian, causing him to trip back and fall. Jonas tilted his head at the chaotic scene inside. "He's making progress."

Daniel stared, wide-eyed as Jonas turned and continued down the corridor. He shook his head and followed until they reached another set of doors.

"The scientists through here are experimenting on a device that was unearthed in the Goa'uld temple where we found the stargate. It uses naquadria, but we're not sure exactly what its purpose is. The scientists inside are some of our brightest. We're hoping they'll find out soon."

Daniel held up a finger. "A device that uses naquadria and was found in the temple ruins? The heart of the meteor impact?"

Jonas frowned. "When you put it like that, it kind of seems like a coincidence. However, the research has been going on for days and nothing much has happened yet. All we're sure of is that the device needs a great amount of energy to run."

Jonas opened one of the doors and stepped through. Daniel suddenly found himself rooted to the spot. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on was very wrong. His heart suddenly seemed to be beating twice as hard and his palms were sweaty. Maybe it was a reaction to suddenly being in such a warm place.

"Doctor Jackson?" Jonas asked.

Daniel stared. "Um... I... It's nothing. I'm fine. Probably something I ate."

Daniel followed and the door shut behind him loud and heavy. They walked into an observation room with a view of more scientists at work; four to be exact. One of them was standing over a large mushroom-like device that had a gold and bronze color scheme. Definitely Goa'uld. The scientist was watching a bright glow at the tip of the device.

He looked up and grinned at Jonas, nodding with satisfaction. Suddenly there was a bright blue flash that filled the room for a second. when it was gone, all the scientists lay on the floor of the lab. The device began to glow brighter.

Daniel stepped up to the glass in shock, Jonas pulling him back. "Doctor Jackson, no. The glass might not be able to protect you."

Daniel stared. "What? What's the point of having it then?"

Jonas seemed to think it over. "It's for tourists mostly. The scientists don't like to mix with outsiders. Just, stay back."

"Shouldn't someone shut that off? What if it explodes or something?"

Jonas swallowed. "The only way you can shut it off is by removing the core, but there's no one there to--"

Daniel fired his gun, the bullets hitting the window in quick succession. Before he knew it, he was hurling himself at the window and smashing through it, landing hard on the ground. Daniel rushed to the device, its humming entering Daniel's skin and muscles. He reached out for the core, recoiling when his hand was burnt by the hot metal. Daniel covered his hands with the sleeves of his jacket and went for the core, pulling it quickly. The device turned off.

Daniel stared at the dead machine, the noise and light gone. He stared at Jonas through the broken window. He looked down at his hands, the palm of his right hand angry and red from the burn. Something was wrong. He couldn't quite put his finger on, but something was very wrong.

*

"So you think someone wants Daniel out of the SGC," Janet said as she handed Jack the printout of the e-mail he had read.

"It's what it looks like. Somehow, Rayner's landed this job and is letting someone use him to get to Daniel by digging up all the dirt they can find," Jack said folding his arms across his chest and looking down at the gate room.

"This is Daniel we're talking about. What dirt?" Janet asked.

Jack turned back to look at Janet, seated at the briefing table, legs elegantly crossed and her hair falling softly around her face, the candles making her face glow. "They might not find any dirt. That doesn't mean they're beyond making it up. Didn't I tell you not to come up here with all these candles around?"

Janet smiled. "What are you going to do?"

"I've got Siler keeping track of Rayner's e-mails, see if we can do a little digging of our own."

Janet frowned. "Siler? Why didn't you just wait for Sam to get back? She's hacked into everyone's computer at some point."

"Well, I have reasons for not asking Carter. One, Siler doesn't want to cut off my genitals and two, if Carter knows, Daniel knows and I don't want him to know anything until I've got more evidence." Jack sat down beside Janet, swiveling his chair to face her.

"So. Doctor," he said quietly.

Janet smiled. "Colonel?"

"I hear you're seeing someone."

"As a matter of fact I am."

"Really? Anyone I know?" Jack asked.

"No. She's not from around here," Janet said with a grin.

"Attractive?"

"Oh, she's very pretty," Janet said.

Jack nodded. "Pretty. In a manly kind of way, right?"

Janet laughed and shook her head. Then her smile faded and she sighed, Jack rolled his eyes. "Don't go there," he warned.

"I just wish Sam was seeing someone."

"Look, Carter's smart, sexy and knows how to blow stuff up. She'll find someone," Jack said. "Stop with the guilt."

Janet discreetly looked around the briefing room. "You think she's sexy?"

Jack frowned. "I'm a guy. We don't think with this," he said as he pointed to his head.

Janet was unamused. She sank into thought for a while, suddenly looking up at Jack with a huge smile.

Jack gave her suspicious look. "No."

"We should set Sam up on a date. You could find her the perfect person, it's not like you don't have access to everyone's files," Janet suggested.

"I am not running a dating service. I should've known there's a whole lot of crazy under all that pretty," Jack said.

Janet smiled. "You think I'm pretty?"

Jack smiled back, pointing to his head. "Again, not really thinking with this."

"Look, I'm being serious. We should help her find someone. We'll find someone just as smart, funny and beautiful."

"I'm beginning to think you might have a thing for her," Jack said.

Janet raised her eyebrows. "You know, they said you were funny and I didn't believe it. Now I know why."

Jack pointed at Janet. "You're fired."

The quiet of the briefing room was broken by the sound of the gate dialing up. Jack frowned at Janet and got up. They both headed straight to the control room.

"We expecting anyone back?" Jack asked as he climbed down the steps, Janet in tow.

"No, sir," Sergeant Davis replied. "We're receiving SG-1's IDC."

"Open it," Jack said as he walked out and headed to the gate room.

"You think something's wrong?" Janet asked as she tried to keep up with Jack's long strides.

"They're too early," Jack said. "Way too early."

They reached the ramp as Teal'c emerged from the even horizon, a grim expression on his face.

"What?" Jack asked.

"There has been an accident, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "It is Daniel Jackson. He wishes to go be taken straight to the infirmary and to not be seen in his current condition."

Jack nodded mutely, only caring that his remaining people return immediately.

"We are ready, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c spoke into his radio.

Davis came through first, looking slightly pale and stunned, giving Jack a nod as he walked off the ramp. Carter stepped through next, with a figure covered under a large, long blanket. Jack could make out the uniform and figured whoever was hunched over under the blanket was Daniel. He looked to Teal'c and Teal'c nodded.

They went straight to the infirmary in a huddled group, Teal'c up front, Carter and Daniel behind him, followed by Jack and Janet, with Davis last in line, still looking dazed. They reached the isolation room and shut the doors behind them. Daniel turned to face his friends, looking small under the blanket.

"Daniel," Jack gently urged him.

Daniel pulled off the blanket and let it fall to the floor. Janet gasped, her hand going to her mouth as Jack stared, his eyes unable to blink or look away. Jack pointed at Daniel. "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know," Daniel said quietly, blue eyes looking like the only things that belonged to Daniel Jackson, everything else belonging to a very confused looking woman.

*

"You were only gone an hour," Jack said, pacing up and down, only to be met by blank stares. He looked at Davis. "Do you see why SG-1 don't go on missions anymore?" Jack sat down in his chair and slumped back. "Someone tell me something."

Davis was shaking his head. "We were talking to council, about the Goa'uld threat; myself, Major Carter and Teal'c. Daniel wanted to see the translations of the texts they found in the ruins, so he went off with--" Davis trailed off, frowning like he'd completely lost track.

"Jonas Quinn," Carter finished. "He's an adviser to their High Minister. He was showing Daniel around their labs. There was some kind of accident. Jonas called us and we found Daniel looking... the way he looks."

"Did anyone else get... hurt?" Jack asked.

"There were five scientists present in the lab," Teal'c said. "They have similarly become female."

"What about this Jonas? Was he affected?"

"Apparently he wasn't exposed enough to be affected, but I did notice he looked way prettier than when we first met him," Carter said with a small frown.

"Any idea if we can reverse this?" Jack asked.

Carter stared back, unable to answer. "I don't know, sir. For all we know this might be permanent."

Jack sighed. Everyone was right. Christmas did suck.

*

Daniel was sitting on the edge of the bed, still looking stunned, blue eyes fixed ahead and mouth slightly open, one hand bandaged up. Janet envied the woman in front of her. Some people got to be stunning no matter what gender they wore. It wasn't fair. It was odd though, the way Daniel looked. Female Daniel seemed to look nothing like male Daniel and yet, completely identical.

The eyes hadn't changed in the slightest; bright and blue. The body was a fraction smaller, just a little under Sam's height now. The hips weren't narrow, but curved. The shoulders were rounder and smaller, the chest no longer flat, but with an ample bosom. The hair was longer, reaching Daniel's shoulders, soft and a light brown, framing a softer face, the jawline having lost it's sharp lines.

A beautiful woman, Janet thought.

"Why would someone make a machine that does this?" Daniel snapped Janet out of her musings. “Unbelievable.”

"Daniel, we have to do some more tests. Just to be sure about what's actually happened here."

Daniel stared at Janet. "What's happened? What's happened is that I now have breasts."

Janet looked at Daniel sympathetically. "Well, if it means anything, they're really nice ones."

Daniel shut his eyes and looked even more miserable. Janet took the opportunity to back out slowly and go to Jack who was now hiding in his office.

"You should talk to her," Janet said.

"Her? Who?" Jack was looking up at Janet quite petulantly as he sat behind his desk.

"Daniel," Janet said, throwing up her hands. "Have you even been listening?"

"I think you mean him, Doctor," Jack said.

"I think you'll find that at present, he is very much a she," Janet said.

"Hey, he's only been a she for a few hours, he's been a he forever!"

"Well, right now that doesn't matter because his test results say different. Daniel Jackson is a woman, inside and out."

"Wait, what about the DNA results? You said there's DNA in there that doesn't even belong to him! That might not even be Daniel."

"He's been changed into a woman. That DNA might have something to do with it. Trust me, that's Daniel."

Jack was lost in thought. Janet could tell he was trying to dredge something important up. "No, see, I was listening this time. Carter said DNA can't change DNA."

Janet sighed. "Well, maybe the Goa'uld found some way. It's possible the machine delivered some kind of retro-virus to change Daniel's DNA; to re-write it somehow."

Jack got up and pointed at Janet. "No."

"No?"

"No. Daniel, is not a woman. He can't be."

"Why does this bother you so much?"

"Why doesn't it bother you?"

"It does bother me, just not as much as you."

"Look, it's just weird, okay? It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so... so..." Jack trailed off, his mouth continuing to open wordlessly.

Janet rolled her eyes. "Oh god. I can't believe this."

Jack pointed to his head. "Like I said before, not really thinking with this."

"Jack, you're just confusing your real feelings for Daniel with your stupid feelings for any woman with a pretty face. Get over it."

Jack nodded, looking slightly less panicked. "Okay. That helped."

"Good. Now go and talk to your friend. She's swearing up a storm."

Jack gave a nod and came out from behind his desk, stopping by the door to look at Janet. "You're coming with me, right?"

*

Teal'c and Sam watched from the observation room as Daniel sat there on the bed, furiously tapping at a laptop,.

"Can you believe this?" Sam asked as she shook her head in continued disbelief.

"It is most difficult to believe," Teal'c answered.

"Look at her. I mean, it's Daniel and... not. And she's so... I mean, I always thought Daniel was attractive, but she's... she's hot."

Teal'c slowly turned to look at Sam, his eyes narrowed. "Though it may appear Daniel Jackson is female, I must point out that his mind is most certainly male," Teal'c said with a smug smile.

Sam looked at Teal'c and smiled just as smug. "And may I point out, Teal'c, that though his mind is most certainly male, his ovaries are very actually female."

Teal'c's smile vanished. "I did not wish to know that."

*

After much discussion with Janet, Jack finally walked into the isolation room, tripping when Janet shoved him in the back. Daniel was watching as Jack tried not to feel too nervous or weirded out. He pulled up a stool to place in front of Daniel, clearing his throat several times, taking his time to sit down.

"So," Jack said, rubbing his hands together. "How are you holding up?"

The pretty face looked straight at Jack, lost and innocent, in dire need of help. Jack felt himself relax slightly. What the hell had he been afraid of anyway? It was nothing like being in front of a female version of Daniel. This was just some woman, who needed his help.

"How the hell do think I'm holding up?" Daniel asked, making Jack unrelax immediately.

Jack swallowed, reminding himself that he was not sitting in front of a beautiful woman and that he was involved in a relationship with an actual woman. Involved? Christ, he was in love with Janet. Being apart from those few weeks had killed him. So what the hell was going on with him?

"Jack? Are you even listening to me?" Daniel whined.

Jack rolled his eyes. It looked as though Daniel obviously hadn't undergone a complete change. "Look, first of all, tell me what happened. I need to know how the hell this happened before we can try to fix it."

Daniel sighed miserably. "The Kelownans found a machine in the ruins of a Goa'uld temple. They were doing experiments on it and it overloaded, so I shut it down before it could explode and take everyone with it. By the time I got back here, I was completely changed."

"Why the hell would the Goa'uld make a machine to do something like this?" Jack said, staring at Daniel's breasts.

"Hey! Stop that," Daniel snapped.

Jack looked up, embarrassed. "Sorry. Look, I've got Teal'c, Carter and Davis on it. They're going to go back and check that machine out."

Daniel nodded. "There were scrolls and manuscripts discovered with the machine. Maybe we could try and get our hands on those."

"Right. I'll get Davis to strong-arm them a bit. You just take it easy and... take it easy," Jack said, reaching forward to pat Daniel's hand and then deciding not to.

"What if there isn't a way to turn me back?" Daniel asked quietly.

Jack stared, unable to find an answer to the question as his eyes began to drift.

"Are you staring at my chest again?" Daniel asked.

Jack gave a nod. "Yes. Yes, I am. Sorry."

"Get out."

*

Paul stopped around the corner from the isolation room, wondering exactly what the hell he could say to Daniel that would possibly make this situation any less strange than it was. Bearing a grudge against the man that had effectively broken his heart seemed redundant. Especially since technically, that man wasn't really around.

Paul began to head to the isolation room, walking into Colonel O'Neill. "Sir," Paul said with a nod.

"Major," O'Neill said. "Shouldn't you be on your way home?"

"I thought I'd see Daniel before heading off," Paul explained. "How is he?"

"Pissed off," the colonel said. He looked thoughtful. "You think he's got PMS?"

Paul stared blankly. "Um... I couldn't say, sir."

"Well, I'll leave you to figure it out. Try not to make any sudden movements," O'Neill offered as he walked off, Paul watching, ever bemused.

When Paul walked in, Daniel was sitting up in bed, staring ahead blankly. "Hey," Paul said as he approached the stool by Daniel's bed.

Daniel turned and stared at Paul. "Come to gloat?"

Paul shook his head and sat down. "No. I came to see how you were feeling."

"I have a vagina. How do you think I'm feeling?" Daniel's face seemed to fall and he sniffed. "Why are you here?"

"I was worried," Paul replied. "It would be great to stop caring about people that crap over your feelings, but it never works out that way."

"I'm touched," Daniel said flatly.

Paul gave a nod and got up to leave. "I'll go. I didn't come here to upset you."

"Don't go," Daniel's called out behind him. Paul turned back and looked at Daniel who was miserably frowning. "You're the only that doesn't keep staring at my breasts." Paul sat back down. "So... how are things with Luke?" l.

Paul tried not to concentrate too much on the strange striking resemblance between this woman and Daniel. Though it was quite mesmerizing. "Things are good,"

Daniel nodded. "How did you meet him anyway?"

Paul frowned, surprised by the question. "I was sitting next to him on a flight to Paris. I lost my luggage and he helped me out. We had dinner and things kind of went from there. He actually lives in Colorado Springs."

Daniel was frowning, deep in thought. "So you met him in Colorado, went to Paris with him and now you're back here... with him."

"I suppose so," Paul said.

Daniel's smile was obviously forced. "Well, good to see the healing process was quick."

Paul smiled back. "Well, not as quick as yours, Daniel." Daniel's eyes showed the sting. Paul took a deep breath and got up. "I should probably go." Paul headed for the doors.

"You know what? Get over it," Daniel's voice said called out.

Paul turned around slowly, staring in disbelief. "Excuse me?"

Daniel got out of bed and walked up to Paul. "I was hurt, okay? I was hurt and stupidly got drunk around someone I used to be very close to. I never set out to solve my problems with Jack by sleeping with Sarek. It just happened. You and I were friends, Paul. I didn't cheat on you."

Paul stared for a moment and then shook his head, laughing. "What's so funny?"

Paul stopped laughing and looked at Daniel. "I just realized how ridiculous I am."

Daniel frowned. "You have?"

"Of course. See, all this time I couldn't figure out why I was angry. Why it mattered to me at all. And you know what it was? I was angry because I thought you knew how I felt about you and I thought maybe you felt the same. Maybe you cared, just a little. But you didn't."

"Of course I cared," Daniel said.

"Well, that's what hurt so much, Daniel," Paul snapped, unable to control himself any longer. "Jesus, you really hurt me. I waited two years for you, while you chased around Colonel O'Neill. You knew how I felt and when you found out the truth, you went to Abydos. Come on, why Abydos? Maybe because you knew there would be someone there to help you get over the colonel?"

"No, that's not true," Daniel said with a shake of the head.

"Tell me the truth, Daniel. After you broke up with Sarek, all the times you visited Abydos, did you ever sleep with him?" Daniel was staring blankly. "The truth," Paul said quietly.

Daniel looked away. "Yes."

"So, in hindsight, maybe getting drunk around Sarek wasn't such a great decision, was it?"

Daniel looked wounded, but Paul decided it was okay, because it wasn't really Daniel. It was just some woman he'd never met. With the same blue eyes.

"I do care about you," Daniel said quietly. "I just wish I'd figured it out sooner."

Paul sighed. "That makes two of us. I have to go."

Paul turned around and left, without another glance, desperately trying not to care.

*

Early next morning, Sam, Teal'c and Paul were met by Jonas as they stepped on Kelownan ground. Sam noticed Jonas watching her unclip her P90, not the issue of weapon they had taken with them last time. She also noticed that he looked slightly different; softer, smoother and not so rugged anymore. Boyish in fact, sweet.

"There's no need for your weapons, Major Carter, you already know that," Jonas said, even his voice sounding different.

"Yeah, well, this time yesterday Daniel didn't need a bra either, but obviously things have changed," Sam said flatly.

Jonas nodded uneasily. "How is Doctor Jackson?"

"Convinced he can fit into a size eight," Sam replied as Jonas frowned. "What about your scientists?"

"They're finding it very hard to adjust," Jonas said, his concern quite apparent. "They're not used to such soft skin. It's frightening."

Sam frowned. "Uh... yeah. Look, you know why we're here. Did you talk to your superiors?"

Jonas nodded. "Yes, they're willing to allow you access to the machine and our research data, but only on Kelowna. You can't take any of the temple texts with you either. Higher officials are already blaming Doctor Jackson for the accident. You're lucky they're allowing you back here."

"What?" Paul snapped. "How the hell are they blaming Daniel? If it wasn't for him this place would be a pile of rubble right now."

Jonas flinched, giving a small nod. "I know that, Major. But it's not easy convincing people that want to believe what they don't want to hear."

Sam sighed, feeling agitated. "We need full access to that machine. The SGC has much more advanced technology to help us figure out how to reverse the effects of the machine. Daniel won't be the only one to benefit from our findings. Why don't you ask your scientists what they think?"

Jonas sighed, nodding apprehensively. "I'll talk to the council. Until then, maybe you'd like to take a look at the texts and the device."

Sam same gave a nod and Jonas turned to lead them down the corridor. Sam let him gain some distance before leaning back so only Teal'c and Paul would hear. "Is it just me or does he look prettier?"

"I was just thinking that," Paul whispered back.

"I see no difference," Teal'c said flatly.

Paul glanced across at Teal'c, confused. "Really?"

"Ignore him," Sam said. "Teal'c's in love. He's useless."

"You're in love?" Paul asked.

"I do not wish to speak of it," Teal'c answered petulantly.

"Can I give you some advice?" Paul asked.

Teal'c arched an eyebrow and looked at Paul. "Advice on the matter would be appreciated."

"Quit while you're ahead. It's not worth the trouble," Paul said before walking on ahead and falling into step with Jonas.

Teal'c stared ahead at the Major. "Were I still the First Prime of Apophis at this moment, Major Davis would be dead."

Sam thought about it, nodding. "Couldn't we pretend? I could say kree."

"Kree does not mean kill," Teal'c replied with a bored look.

"What does it mean?"

Teal'c seemed to think about it. "Kree does not mean kill."

*

Daniel was in a less than impressed mood. On a base where everyone seemed to wear pants, no one could find him a spare pair. However, a very fetching black skirt that fell femininely around the knees had appeared. Along with a pair of pretty black, strappy shoes which added two inches to his height (and he found himself quite liking). A nurse had kindly offered Daniel a very flimsy black shirt, which he was certain he'd never seen anyone wear on base.

He was of course touched that all the women were so helpful, some of them insisting on offering him makeup and a blow dry. And hitting on him every chance they got. Of course, none of this was as hard as taking a shower, which ended up taking longer than he had intended. His hand hadn't meant to stray and find interesting places that did interesting things. Looked like all the myths about female orgasms were true. Understated possibly.

But he was making serious considerations now. What if this was it? What if there was no turning back? It made the possibility of a relationship with Jack more plausible. Ridiculous, but plausible.

"Don't even think about it," Janet had warned as Daniel stared at the woman in the mirror with concentration.

"I wasn't thinking anything," Daniel had said innocently, thinking about all the drugs Janet had access to.Janet had given him a suspicious look and left as Daniel turned back and smoothed down his skirt.

Moving around base was an odd experience, every woman turning to look at him as he walked by. Even some of the men. He didn't really want attention right now as he was headed to his office, which happened to be next to the office occupied by one Doctor Rayner. Daniel crept down the corridor, eyes wide open and on the lookout. When he got to his office, he very slowly turned the doorknob and stepped inside, closing the door gently. The rest was easy. All he needed were some of his files, his laptop and that berry flavored lip balm in his top draw.

Daniel had the laptop and files under his arm as he rummaged through the top draw, when the door opened. "What the hell's going on?" Steven asked as he walked in.

Daniel straightened up, speechless and wide-eyed. "Um..."

"You want to tell me what you're doing looking through Daniel's things?" Steven asked approaching the desk.

"Well, um, Actually, I'm an assistant of Doctor Jackson's and he sent me to bring his things."

Steven frowned. "Why? Where is he?"

"Well, he's... not very well, in the infirmary actually, so he told me to bring his things," Daniel said with a nod, his heart hammering under his rather handsome cleavage.

"Oh. Why haven't I seen you before?"

"I've been on vacation," Daniel said tightly. "Well, if you excuse me, I think I better get back."

Steven nodded and gestured for Daniel to leave as he clumsily walked away, almost slipping. As he got to the door, he heard a breakout of hysterical laughter.

Daniel turned around slowly and watched Steven doubled over and laughing. Daniel straightened himself up defiantly. "I'm sorry, but, what's so funny?" Daniel asked.

Steven calmed himself down and headed towards Daniel. "Uh, well, you."

Daniel frowned. "What?"

"I know about the accident," Steven said with a grin, leaning against the closed door as Daniel stared. "Hey, does this mean I have to call you Danielle?"

"Not unless you want to be fed through a straw," Daniel said with a glare. "I can't believe you let me make an idiot out of myself."

"Well, you're so good at it," Steven said with a shrug. "Can't say the change looks bad on you though. You're quite the firecracker, Ms. Jackson."

Daniel stared with murderous rage. "You know, I never figured out what Sarah saw in you."

"Probably the same thing you saw in me," Steven said with a leer.

Daniel narrowed his eyes. "You're a reptile."

Steven held a hand to his heart. "Please, stop. You're turning me on."

"Get out of my way," Daniel said, reaching for the doorknob, but having Steven step in the way.

"What? No kiss?" Steven asked.

Daniel shook his head in disbelief. "You know my friends have guns, right?"

"Come on, you know you want to. Bet you're dying to try that body out," Steven said, staring unashamedly at Daniel's cleavage.

Daniel nodded. "You know what my father told me I should do with guys like you?"

"Make out?" Steven suggested.

"No, this," Daniel said, stepping in close and kneeing Steven in the crotch with all his might.

Steven made a strange high-pitched noise as his hands went to his crotch and he doubled over in pain. Daniel grabbed him by the collar and pushed him away from the door, letting him fall to the floor with a thud.

"Oh, you crazy bastard," Steven wheezed as Daniel sashayed out.

*

Jack's office was on fire. Almost. He'd knocked over a candle into the waste paper basket and now its classified contents were on fire. No real loss. If only the candle had fallen on the plant of evil instead. Jack grabbed the fire extinguisher and stopped the fire before it could set off any alarms. Blowing out a breath, he left the office, fed up of all the candle related accidents. Jack came to a stop by the briefing room window and stared at the gate.

He'd dreamed about it the previous night. He was on the ramp, with Janet, the gate active behind them. Only, in the middle of the fun part, while he was groaning with ecstasy, he pulled back to see female Daniel. Daniel who grinned naughtily at Jack and asked him if he liked her now. At which point Jack woke up and took a cold shower. Yep, things were pretty messed up, right there.

"Hey, Jack," a melodic female voice said from behind him.

Jack turned around and saw her, that Daniel devil-woman. Only it was much worse than before. She was standing there with shapely legs and a fitting skirt that skimmed over curved hip and a shirt through which Jack would see Daniel's black lacy bra. Without straining too hard. And dammit, he... she was wearing make up. The blue eyes shone like crystals and the lips looked wet, soft and inviting. Her hair fell around her shoulders like a mousy-colored halo and all the male angles of Daniel's face had been erased. Trust Daniel to adapt to a situation overnight.

"Jack? Are you listening?" Daniel snapped.

Jack glared with irritation. "Yes. No. I dunno."

"Well, obviously things between us are still normal," Daniel said with a glare. A sexy, icy, glare.

Jack sighed, holding his forehead in desperation. "This is nuts. I think I'm going crazy."

"You think you're going crazy? Try being me for a second," Daniel said.

"There you are," Janet said walking into the briefing room, taking a good look at Daniel. "What are you doing here?"

"I was telling Jack I'll be using my old office and he wasn't listening as usual," Daniel as Jack turned to scowl at him.

"Well, you're coming with me now so I can run some more tests," Janet said, waiting.

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Is that necessary? You've done everything but give me a pregnancy test."

Janet seemed to mull over the idea. "There's a thought."

Daniel didn't look amused.

"Daniel, get those tests done and then you can take up in your old digs. Doctor? No to the pregnancy test. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me, so don't bother me," Jack said grumpily, definitely not thinking about Daniel's cleavage. Before Daniel could protest the gate suddenly begin to dial up.

"We're not expecting anyone," Jack said. He turned to Daniel. "You, infirmary, now."

"I feel fine," Daniel objected.

"You are not fine. You know we have to keep an eye on you to see if anything else is happening in there," Jack said, giving an awkward poke in Daniel's direction. "Go. Now. I'll let you know if something's wrong." Daniel looked towards the window and watched the gate dialing as Jack waited. "Daniel?"

Daniel sighed. "Fine. But if anything's wrong, you tell me straight away."

"Fine," Jack said, relieved to know Daniel would be out of ogling distance. "Go, get outta here."

Jack ran down the stairs to the control room and ordered, "Let them in."

"Sir? We don't know who it is yet," Walter said with a frown.

"It's Carter and Teal'c," Jack said, already headed out. "When you get the iris code, let them in."

Jack ran into the gate room and waited. He knew something was up. The little itch at the back of his brain said something was definitely up. He could feel it. The iris opened and Davis walked down the ramp alone, a box in his hand which was heaped full of files.

Jack looked up the empty ramp. "Please tell me Teal'c is not a woman, I'm not sure I could cope."

Davis shook his head. "No, Teal'c's fine, sir."

Jack suddenly had visions of Carter as a strapping, six foot, steely-eyed soldier. "Carter?"

"Major Carter's fine too. She's talked to Jonas Quinn about our needs and apparently he was able to come to an agreement with the High Minister about bringing some things back to the SGC."

Jack nodded. "That's great. What's the problem then?"

"Well, the Kelownans only agreed access to the research and the machine if we allow some of their people into the SGC."

"Okay. Sure. Whatever," Jack said, just glad his team was coming back the way it had left.

Davis gave a nod and turned to the gate, pulling his radio towards his mouth. "Major, the colonel's been appraised of the situation."

"Roger that. We're coming through," Carter's voice crackled back.

Jack watched the gate. First Carter arrived, big box in both hands. She was followed by a young man who also had a box in his hands. He was followed by another. And another. And another. One after the other they came with boxes, filling up the gate room. About thirty people later, the end of a cart appeared through the gate, something large on it, hidden under a brown cover. At the end of the cart was Teal'c, pushing it slowly down the ramp. Jack slowly turned to look at Carter.

She shrugged. "It was the only way I could get the machine here. You said do anything."

Jack stared, aware that Kelownan eyes were on him. He turned and gave some of the guests a smile, with a small, 'hey, how you doing?' before turning back to Carter and clearing his throat. "I guess I should go and make some arrangements," Jack said turning to go, muttering under his breath, "at the Holiday Inn."

Jack left to make the accommodation plans for the thirty strong group, wondering when his dream of flying cool machines and shooting bad guys been replaced by a wish for heat, light bulbs and friends without gender confusion.

*

It hadn't taken Daniel long to find out that the Kelownans were on base with the machine that had relieved him of his more interesting parts. When he walked into one of the larger storage rooms on base, he found it had been cleared to accommodate all the researchers. There was a large number of SGC staff and Kelownan specialists, split into two groups. One was next to the machine and looking over a table of computers and large schematics and the other was at the opposite end of the room, surrounding tables mounted with computers and boxes of books and files and one central table that held the delicate texts and scrolls from the temple.

At the last table stood Jonas Quinn, book in hand as he looked from the page to something on the table, his expression never altering from its very serene composition.

"Jonas," Daniel said as he approached the other man.

Jonas looked up at Daniel, putting the book down. "Doctor Jackson. How are you?"

Daniel shrugged. "Female apprently. Actually, you look a little different yourself."

Jonas nodded. "Apparently my proximity to the accident had a slight effect."

"Slight?" Daniel asked with a raise of the brow. "Everything's still... there?"

Jonas actually blushed as he looked away for a moment. "Um... yes. Everything's still there."

"He just looks cuter," Sam said joining Daniel at his side. "I think it suits him. What do you think?"

Daniel looked closer. “Huh. You're right.” Why couldn't he just become cuter? Jonas was blushing so Daniel asked. "So, any progress with the translations?"

Jonas sighed, shaking his head. "We're just getting started. We could really use your expertise, Doctor Jackson. Your knowledge of the Goa'uld is far more substantial than ours."

Daniel gave nod. "Absolutely. Anything I can do to get my penis back. Let me just grab a few textbooks from my office and I'll be right back."

Jonas nodded as Daniel turned and made his way out.

"Wait up," Sam called from behind.

Daniel stopped in the corridor and turned to look at Sam who had a strange little smile on her face. "What's going on?" Sam asked quietly.

Daniel frowned. "Nothing. Well, besides the obvious."

Sam looked around discreetly and then took Daniel by the arm, leading him away and into a utility closet. They hid behind a shelf of toilet rolls, not switching the light on. "Did you have sex?" Sam whispered.

Daniel was silent for a minute. "What?"

"You're glowing, Daniel and it's not just the foundation."

"I did not have sex," Daniel said in a harsh whisper. "That would be weird."

"Don't lie to me, Daniel, I can tell. You look all flushed and happy."

"Doesn't mean I had sex," Daniel said, looking at Sam illuminated by a sliver of light from the corridor.

"Oh?"

Daniel shifted nervously. "Well... I... was taking a shower and all of a sudden, you know, it's all so foreign. But it would be only natural to explore a... a... new territory. I mean, it's... it's human instinct. You know, curiosity. And both sexes have always wondered, a little, about what goes on... with our bodies. I just thought I'd check it out. First hand."

Sam was silent and Daniel could just about make out the blank stare on her face. "You know what scares me?"

"No," Daniel whispered.

"The fact that I'm so not having a hard time dealing with an image of you, shower and... your first hand."

"That is scary."

"You know, if that whole turning back into a man thing doesn't work out, you could always fill my currently vacant position for a girlfriend," Sam said with a mischievous smile.

Daniel frowned. "Know what's scary?"

"Besides losing your penis?"

"Yes. Besides that."

"What?"

"I actually found myself considering your proposal for a second."

"Just a second?"

"Maybe more."

"Consider it, because seriously, when it's not your own hand, it's a lot more fun."

Daniel gulped. "Really?"

"Sure. Want proof?"

Daniel closed his eyes. He knew this was where he was supposed to say no. "Sure. Okay."

Sam's body pushed against him suddenly and his mouth opened in a gasp because Sam's warm hand had traveled up his skirt in a frighteningly quick maneuver, feeling up his leg, slowly and smoothly. Sam's lips were on his in a flash, her tongue teasing his as he closed his eyes and moaned. Sam's other gifted hand had managed to unbutton his shirt and was slowly sliding under the material, cupping a breast and slowly kneading it as the other hand went higher, slipping under the panties.

Daniel's eyes shot open and pushed Sam back. Sam looked shocked for a moment and then stared back at Daniel. "What?" she asked.

Daniel got his breath back and straightened out his clothes. "I'm a guy. Temporarily out of action, yes, but a man. When I'm back to normal, this is will make things weird."

"We used to be SG-1. Weird is normal," Sam said matter-of-factly.

Daniel buttoned up his shirt, feeling slightly wobbly. "This is weirder than weird."

Sam shook her head. "Oh God. I almost had sex with man. You're right. This is too weird."

Daniel nodded. "Exactly."

Sam was nodding. Then she stopped and her eyes slowly went to Daniel again. Daniel was staring at Sam too, thinking of her hand, sliding up his leg and then... oh yes.

"You should go," Sam suddenly said, stepping aside and pointing to the door.

Daniel nodded quickly. "Yeah. See you later.

Daniel quickly left the closet, tripping as he did, quite aware that Sam was right behind him, watching his ass.

*

Jack sighed as he added his signature to the latest report, defending SG-15 and the maniac Colonel Dixon that had accidentally set a whole forest on fire, claiming 'those folk never needed those trees anyway.' Jack decided the next thing he would sign would be his own resignation letter. General Hammond could damn well come back from retirement and breeding horses for the use of film and television and run the SGC.

"Sir, can I come in?" Jack looked up to see Carter standing in the doorway. He motioned her in and leaned back in his chair as Carter sat down. "Something on your mind, Major?"

Carter shifted, looking uncomfortable. "I'm... kind of sorry."

"Kind of?"

"Maybe actually."

"Maybe?"

"Probably."

"Well, I guess that's as close as I'll ever get," Jack said dryly.

"I should have cleared it with you, before bringing all those people."

"Well, I did say do whatever you have to do, but yes. You should have cleared it with me. I don't like being put on the spot like that. Whatever your personal issues, Carter, they shouldn't interfere with your job."

Carter nodded. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Thank you," Jack said. "I know how hard that was for you and for what's worth, I'm sorry too, about this whole thing. I had no idea how you felt about Frasier."

Carter shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. She really likes you."

Jack smiled and leaned forward on the desk. "Really? Did she tell you that?"

Carter nodded. "Yes. She did. I tried not to gag."

Jack nodded, still smiling. "And I appreciate your trying not to gag. So, talk to Daniel yet?"

Carter smiled sheepishly. "Uh... yeah, we had a little... talk. He seems to be coping."

Jack shook his head. "It's too weird."

Carter gave a nod of agreement. "Tell me about it. You know, I used to think Daniel would be the perfect woman, you know, if he wasn't a guy. Then this happens."

"I know." Jack said. "Just when you think this place can't get any weirder, something this screwed up happens."

"Why? Is it affecting you?" Carter asked with an amused smile.

Jack narrowed his eyes. "I dunno. I can't help thinking, what if he turns back to normal and I'm still..."

"Turned on?" Carter supplied. "You scared he might take away your heterosexuality?"

Jack stared at her for a moment. "No?"

"Why couldn't it be Teal'c?" Carter said thoughtfully.

Jack frowned at Sam. "Why Teal'c?"

Carter grinned. "Come on, like you don't think that would be interesting?"

"Teal'c? Warrior Jaffa princess? I admit it has its possibilities," Jack said with a nod.

Carter smiled and got up. "I should get back."

Jack looked up, nodding as she turned to leave. "Carter. I'm glad we did this. You know, clear the air and all."

Carter smiled back. "Me too, sir."

"Hey, how did you get the Kelownans to agree to letting us have the machine? I thought they were hell-bent on keeping it away from us."

Carter shook her head. "Wasn't me. It was Jonas. Apparently he has some sway with the High Minister."

Jack nodded. "One more thing. Can I throw the plant away now?"

Carter seemed to think about it and then smiled. "No."

*

"Teal'c, what about this symbol?" Daniel asked as he pushed a notepad in front of his friend. Teal'c was completely oblivious, lost in his own thoughts. "Teal'c. Teal'c?" Teal'c frowned and then looked at Daniel. "You okay?" Daniel asked.

"Indeed," Teal'c said flatly as he got up from the table. "I will return with refreshments."

Daniel and Jonas watched as Teal'c walked away.

Jonas put his book down and frowned. "What's wrong with your friend? He seems sad."

"Apparently, he's in love," Daniel said as he looked over his notes.

Jonas gave an understanding nod as Daniel looked up. "Oh."

Daniel frowned at the other man. "What about you?" Jonas frowned back, tilting his head inquisitively. Daniel put his pen down, devoting his attention to the Kelownan. "Well, I can't help but notice that you always seem so... well, down."

"Down?"

"Yeah," Daniel said slowly. "You know, sad." Jonas looked away, evidently uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry," Daniel said.

Jonas gave a small smile. "It's alright. I haven't been myself for a while," he said, giving the ring on his finger a quick glance.

"Who's it from?" Daniel asked quietly.

"We're not together anymore," Jonas said. "He... uh, he had other priorities."

Daniel gave a small sigh, unable to think of anything to say that would comfort the other man. "His loss."

Jonas looked at Daniel and smiled. "I'm fine. My work is more than enough for me."

Daniel picked up his pen and nodded. "That's what I used to think."

"Isn't it?" Jonas asked.

Daniel drew a symbol onto his notepad, not looking at Jonas. "No. Not always."

The work continued in silence.

*

Though it was morning, long hours researching and the lamps in the briefing room made it feel much later. Jack sat at the head of the briefing table, glancing at the assembled personnel as he opened his file.

To his left was Davis, already scribbling notes on his pad of paper. Geek, thought, Jack. On his right was Teal'c, sullenly answering Daniel's questions, who was sitting next to him. Dork, thought Jack. Next to Davis was Janet and then Carter, both women frowning and engaged in quiet conversation. Ho... no, he wasn't going to go there. It all would have been quite routine, if Daniel hadn't been sitting there with breasts and mascara and wet looking lips with a tinge of the lightest color... no, he wasn't going to go there.

When he realized he'd been staring, Jack quickly looked away before anyone seemed to notice. Only, when he looked at Janet, she was glaring at him and shaking her head as if disappointed by how pathetic he was. Jack gave a sheepish smile and shrugged. Janet rolled her eyes and turned away, whispering to Carter and making her laugh. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea if they had stopped talking.

"So, we making any headway on this thing?" Jack asked, leaning back in his chair.

Daniel looked up, with bed-head hair and devastatingly bright eyes, lined with black. Jack held his gaze while focusing on the most repulsive thing he could thing of.

Harry Maybourne in a...

Nope, the image of Harry Maybourne, just as himself, was more than enough.

"From what Jonas and I have translated, it looks as though the Goa'uld were experimenting to create some kind of a super soldier."

"By turning them into women?" Jack asked with a frown. "Actually, that kinda makes sense." Jack smiled at Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet glared in tandem. Jack's smile dropped and he looked away.

"We haven't actually gotten that far," Daniel said, his face looking flushed in the candle-light. "The dialect's a little hard to decipher, but Teal'c's working his way through it."

Jack nodded, wondering if Daniel looked worn out or if it was just the lack of lighting in the room. "Okay. Well, keep at it. Carter?"

Sam looked up at Daniel from her notes and then at Jack, her mouth open, but soundless. Jack knew this Carter face. It was the bad news face. "Well, having looked at the Kelownan research, we've ascertained that the reason the machine overloaded was because two separate coils in there weren't properly insulated from each other. Looks like their proximity created a power surge. The machine itself is as easy to operate as anything with an on and off button."

"An on and off button?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow.

Carter nodded. "Teal'c found it."

Jack widened his eyes, trying to get rid of their pruny feeling. "So, what you're saying is..."

"We're still working on it," Carter said.

Jack gave a tired nod. "Right. Teal'c? Does any of is make sense to you."

"Much of what the Goa'uld do makes no sense, O'Neill," Teal'c said flatly. "However, they are notorious for experimentation on humans in the effort to make superior hosts."

Jack nodded and turned to Janet. "Doctor?"

"Well, I've run a few more tests. Daniel's temperature's a little high, but otherwise he has the body of a very fit and healthy young... woman. You also might want to know that the pregnancy test came back normal."

Teal'c, Carter, Davis and Janet all had small, but noticeable smiles. Daniel rolled his eyes and Jack stared blankly. "Okay," Jack said. "Not funny."

Daniel nodded towards Jack. "Thank you."

Jack scowled at the snickering table and turned to Davis. "Major? News?"

Davis's smile disappeared and he was all business. "Well, the Octagon want a full report of our efforts on Kelowna. Of course, once they find out about the machine and Doctor Jackson, I'm certain they're going to want deeper involvement. I can keep stalling them for a little while, but eventually I'm going to have to tell them everything."

"It's your job, Major. I expect nothing less," Jack said seriously. "But stall as long as you can. I got a call this morning and told them we were still in negotiations, which is kind of true."

"I don't see how, sir," Davis said flatly.

"That's why I said 'kind of'," Jack said. "Okay, I want everyone on this. If the Octagon gets involved we'll all be visiting Daniel in Roswell for Christmas. Dismissed."

Jack watched as everyone got up, now quite adept at leaving the briefing room without burning their paperwork on the lanterns. Jack also noticed Davis discreetly eying Daniel. Jack rolled his eyes. But then Davis's expression changed to concern. Janet and Carter were by the stairs when Davis stopped fiddling with his papers and stood up to watch Daniel quite openly.

"Daniel?" Davis asked and Jack followed the other man's gaze.

Teal'c was half way across the room when Daniel stepped away from the briefing table, wobbled and then fell back, Teal'c reaching him at the same time as Jack. They lowered him to the ground as his eyes drifted shut and Janet ran to his side.

"I thought you said he was okay," Jack said, looking across at Janet as she took Daniel's pulse.

"He was," Janet said, holding her hand gently to Daniel's cheek. "Okay, I want him the infirmary."

*

When he awoke, Daniel felt as if he'd been leeched of energy. His body felt like a dead weight, his eyes refusing to open. Even breathing seemed tiring. After willing himself for an eternity, Daniel finally managed to open his eyes. The first thing he noticed was Jack, sitting by his bedside, one leg crossed over the other, ankle resting on knee and paperwork resting on the balanced leg as he made scribbles and absently scratched his nose.

"Hello," Daniel murmered.

Jack looked up. "Hey," he said, closing the file and dropping it on the bed. "How are you feeling?"

Daniel thought about it and couldn't remember a time he'd felt worse. "Not so good."

Jack gave a slow nod. "Frasier's waiting on some test results."

"I hope I pass," Daniel said with a smile. "How long have you been here?"

"A little while," Jack said with a shrug. "It's warm in here."

Daniel watched Jack, waiting for some silly remark or smirk, but there was nothing. This was enough to tell him that something was terribly wrong. "What's going on?"

Jack sighed, grimacing for a second as he looked down at the floor and then back at Daniel. "You don't look so good."

"You sure? Everyone keeps telling me how pretty I am."

Jack smiled. "Yeah, well. That's everybody for you."

"What about you?"

"What about me, Daniel?"

"What do you think?" Daniel asked with a smile.

Jack picked up the file from Daniel's bed and leaned back in his chair, planting both feet firmly on the ground. "Well, I figure I have no business disagreeing with popular opinion on base, but if it's all the same, I kinda preferred you the other way." Daniel looked away, smiling as his eyes stung. "That's a good thing, right?" Jack asked quietly.

"I really hate you." Daniel sighed and then looked at Jack. "But yes, it is."

The curtain was drawn back and Janet stood with concern written all over her face. But Daniel already knew what she would tell him in the next few moments. He could already feel his body falling apart.

*

"I can't explain it," Janet said, as they all stood outside the infirmary. "Tests from just a few hours ago show he was fine, but... it's like his organs just decided they're going to start shutting down. Nothing's bringing his fever down." They waited for her to say more, but Janet gave up and shook her head. "I have to get back in there."

Jack nodded and Janet went back into the infirmary. Jack sighed and looked at the others.

"I will assist Jonas Quinn with his translation," Teal'c said and without waiting for Jack to say anything, he turned and walked away, Carter watching him.

"Carter?" Jack said.

Carter's face looked pale and uncertain as she stared at Jack. "I need more time."

"Don't have it. He's dying in there," Jack said simply.

Carter shook her head hopelessly. "I don't know if I can figure out the machine... I--"

"Yes, you can, Major," Jack said, not prepared to give up so soon. "You give me the names of whoever you need working on that thing, I don't care if you need the damn Colorado Vigilante, they'll be here before the day's out. You got that?"

Carter nodded. "Yes, sir. I'll get on it."

Jack watched as Carter also left the corridor, her shoulders slumped and her hand going to the back of her neck, massaging as she walked away. Jack looked at Davis then who was staring at the infirmary door, looking quite shattered.

"Major?"

Davis shook his head. "Is Doctor Frasier sure? I mean, she could be wrong."

"She's not," Jack said. "I wish she was."

*

The minutes seemed to fly by quicker in the last few hours than any other time Teal'c could remember. It seemed Daniel Jackson had only just collapsed in the briefing room, but it had been hours ago and Teal'c and Jonas had found nothing so far. Jonas looked tired and jittery as he jotted down notes and frowned at the reference book in front of him.

"Jonas Quinn, I would advise you take a short rest," Teal'c said. "By depriving yourself of rest, you only hinder the progress we can make."

Jonas shook his head. "There's no time to rest anymore, Teal'c. We have to find out everything we can."

Jonas went back to scribbling more notes, so Teal'c reached over and covered his hand. "You cannot help anyone if you are unable to think."

Jonas looked up at Teal'c, his eyes troubled. "My friends may have even less time than Daniel."

Teal'c withdrew his hand, giving a small nod of understanding. They returned to work.

*

Sam was asleep. She had left the others to run a simulation in her lab, but instead, she was actually asleep. She didn't want to believe she had fallen asleep, but since she was waking up, it was pretty obvious that sleeping had taken place at some point.

She opened her eyes and grimaced when a sharp, acrid smell hit her nose and made her eyes water. Lifting her head up from her notes, she saw she had a guest. On the other side of the worktop, a woman was sitting and peering at Sam's laptop screen, a cigarette lazily hanging from her red lips.

Every now and then, fingers with red painted nails would extract the cigarette from her mouth and tap it on the edge of Sam's coffee mug, which as far as Sam knew, still had coffee in it. Sam sat up and stared at the woman.

After a while, the intruder noticed Sam's fish-like gawking and turned to look at her from under thick dark lashes. Sam waited for an explanation. The other woman also seemed to be waiting for an explanation. Sam opened her mouth to air some kind of objection or inquiry, but nothing came to mind, so the woman turned back to watching the screen and smoking, adding more ash to Sam's coffee.

"Excuse me, that's mine," Sam finally said, not feeling quite grown up all of a sudden.

The woman stared at Sam and nodded. "So it is."

Sam finally got up and walked around the worktop. Firstly she slammed shut her laptop. Then she pointed a rigid finger at the woman's cigarette. "You're not allowed to smoke in here."

The woman smiled at Sam's reprimanding finger and nodded. She then took her cigarette and deposited it in the half-full coffee mug.

Sam stared at her drink. "I was going to drink that."

"Oh, I apologize," the woman said in a very Russian accent, as she took the cigarette out and put it in her pocket, holding out the mug for Sam.

Sam narrowed her eyes at the woman and took the mug. "I'm sorry, but, what are you doing in my lab?"

The woman stood up and Sam noticed for the first time that the woman was much shorter than her demeanor let her appear. The woman held her hand out.

"Doctor Svetlana Markov. I was sent here from the Russian SGC, as requested by Colonel O'Neill and by order of Colonel Zlotoff."

Sam frowned. "What? No, I specifically asked for Doctor Rodney McKay. I think there's been some kind of mistake."

"McKay is here. He is looking at the machine... vending machine that is. I came here to meet you, but you were asleep. I did not wish to wake you," Svetlana said, smiling at Sam.

Sam scowled. "How did you get here so fast? I thought McKay was in Siberia."

"Indeed we were," a smug voice said from behind Sam.

She turned around to see McKay, smile on face and still wearing his jacket, bag slung over shoulder and a thick wad of pages in his hand. He frowned at Sam, putting the pages on the worktop as his hand reached towards Sam's face where he pulled away a yellow post-it note.

"Did you know Colorado has its own vigilante?" McKay asked, handing Sam the note. “I didn't even know Colorado had crime.”

Sam took the note and turned to glare at Svetlana.

Svetlana shrugged. "Sorry. I did not notice it."

"How did you get here so fast?" Sam asked as McKay began to sift through the pages he had brought with him.

He looked up and grinned. "Well, we uh, we gated here."

"You can't travel between two gates on the same planet," Sam said.

McKay pointed at Sam proudly. "That's correct, Major. However, we gated to P3X930, where we met SG-2 and then used their IDC to gate here, while the Russian gate was made temporarily inactive."

Sam nodded. "Nice."

McKay gave a small bow of the head. "Thank you, and yes, it is very hard being so bright all the time."

"Yeah, sure. That just leaves one question," Sam said, her eyes moving to the left, where Svetlana stood behind her.

McKay frowned. "I don't follow."

Svetlana's head pushed past Sam's arm. "She would like to know why I am here."

Sam rolled her eyes, folding her arms.

"Markov? She scares people when I'm not around, I had to bring her. Besides, it looks as though you need all the help you can get. At least, that's what Colonel O'Neill said. Did you know you only have one chocolate vending machine in this place?"

Sam ignored McKay and turned slightly, looking at Svetlana's smiling face. "Well, it's good to have you on board," she said flatly.

Svetlana's smile grew. "I am very pleased to be here and of service to you."

Sam stepped away and went to stand next to McKay who was skipping through pages and eating his bar of chocolate. "Did you take a look at the machine?" Sam asked.

"Very interesting piece of equipment. Built to generate a lot of power. Of course, in case of an overload, you'd be pretty screwed because from what I saw, there's nothing there that suggests it can withstand a massive power surge, even though it's built to harness a great deal of energy. Talking of energy, someone forget to pay the bills around? What's with all the candles?" McKay asked.

"Budget cuts," Sam said miserably.

McKay nodded. "Huh. You should join the Russian SGC. We have carpets."

"McKay, the machine," Sam said.

"Right, of course. Well, from you energy readings, looks as though most of the power is being channeled towards its main function. However, some power is being routed to another section, which is otherwise independent of the rest of the machine," McKay said, pulling out a scribbled sketch and showing it to Sam.

Sam nodded. "Right, the crystal console on the third tier. Any ideas what it might be?"

"Some kind of internal computer," Svetlana said. "We found a machine of similar design a year ago. When we tapped into it, we found various streams of undecipherable data. Whatever happened to Doctor Jackson, I think the answers are on that console."

Sam nodded, trying to ignore the fact that Svetlana had sidled up pretty close.

”You know, maybe we could conduct our own experiment with the machine. Ever wonder what it's like on the other side?” McKay asked Sam, as if he were the narrator of some horror show.

Sam stared at him blankly. “No. You pretty much put me off that, McKay.”

"Sticks and stones, Major, sticks and stones," McKay said, taking a large bite of his chocolate bar. Then he asked quietly, “So, um... who's the cute little alien guy I saw with Teal'c?"

*

Teal'c was looming over Daniel, looking ridiculously tender for such a threatening figure. "How do you feel, Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel thought about it. He wasn't too sure. The drugs were making everything hazy, which was quite nice actually. "Tired," Daniel said.

"Jonas and I have been endeavoring to translate the temple texts," Teal'c said, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Really? Endeavoring?" Daniel asked, slightly envious. "Anything interesting?"

Jonas and Teal'c shared a look.

"What? Daniel asked.

"We haven't been able to find out exactly how the machine works, but we think we know why it was made," Jonas said, pulling a chair close to the bed and sitting down.

"We do?" Daniel asked. "Well, what do we know exactly?"

Teal'c arched an eyebrow. "It appears the Goa'uld Nirrti, while occupying Kelowna came to the conclusion that a female host possesses more stamina and mental strength."

"So, she made a machine to make female hosts?" Daniel asked. "That doesn't make sense."

"Well, she discovered that the women of my world have a predisposition for anger and violence. It's why even now, most major sports on my world are played by women. They're just better at being vicious."

"She was trying to put together a hockey team?" Daniel asked.

Jonas frowned and Teal'c smiled. "It appears Nirrti was turning the Kelownan men into female Jaffa and using the women as hosts."

"Why not just use women as Jaffa and hosts?"

Teal'c looked slightly bemused. "There is a Jaffa word for people such as Nirrti. Mok'lempt."

"What does that mean?" Jonas asked.

"Insane," Teal'c answered.

*

The day dragged on, progress slow and caffeine filled. The update was that Daniel Jackon's state was deteriorating fast, which meant the Kelownan scientists had even less time. It was Rodney and Svetlana's turn to make the coffee run and they tiredly made their way to the commissary. Rodney yawned as Svetlana lit up a cigarette next to him.

"You're not allowed to smoke here," Rodney said.

"I am sorry, I do not understand English," Svetlana replied, cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth. Rodney repeated the question. "I do not understand Russian either," she said.

Rodney waved the smoke away as it drifted towards him, shooting Svetlana an annoyed look.

"It is all converging here today," Svetlana said. "This place is like the Bermuda triangle."

"Please don't start your astrological mumbo jumbo, I might have to kill myself right now. You should be ashamed, Markov, you're a scientist."

"Mock me, McKay, but when I ran my astrological program this morning, it showed a strange alignment of the planets that will bring together the unexpected," Svetlana said, eyes narrowing.

"Oh please. The planets are always aligning in some formation and the unexpected wouldn't be the unexpected if we expected it, which isn't going to happen unless quantum particles are about to become replaced by donuts," Rodney said sourly.

"I saw your charts, Rodney. Your destiny is about to collide with something important."

"Please let it be a truck."

"Maybe you will meet the one. Mr. Right."

"Shut. Up. Please," Rodney said with a roll of the eyes.

"You see, certain people are connected in such a way, that fate will always find a way to unite them. There is probably science behind it. We are all large particles, turning and spinning and somewhere far away, someone is doing the same thing at the same time. It is like a cosmic waltz. No?"

"Please don't make me sedate you," Rodney said.

"Rodney, such a cynic. You must learn to open your mind."

"You can't become a theoretical astrophysicist without opening your mind," Rodney said. "That's like trying to drive without moving."

They stepped into the commissary, grabbing coffee and bagels, not before Rodney quickly downed a coffee to tide him over the long walk back.

"So, what do you think of Major Carter?" Rodney asked as they headed back.

"Tall," Svetlana answered.

"Anything besides that very astute observation?"

"Temperamental. Attractive. Did I mention tall?"

Rodney frowned. "Are you talking in Haiku again?"

Svetlana smiled. "I like her."

Rodney grinned. "Well, excellent. Looks like you might have found your spinning particle there."

"I thought you did not believe," Svetlana said.

"I don't. I'm humoring you so you don't turn violent."

"You'll see, McKay," Svetlana said knowingly. "You'll see."

She walked on ahead and Rodney shook his head. "You know, saying it twice doesn't make it true."

*

Jack was looking pissed off when Janet walked into his office, the phone being slammed down.

"What's wrong?"

Jack sighed and nodded towards the door. Janet closed it and took a seat opposite Jack. "Octagon knows about the machine. What it's done, Daniel, everything."

"How? I thought we were going to keep a lid on it."

"We were, but obviously someone thought otherwise. They're sending a team down to take the machine and Daniel."

"What?" Janet said, horrified. "You can't let them do that. If they take that machine Daniel and those scientists are as good as dead. I don't believe for a second that they have any intentions of helping Daniel. You have to do something. We're running out of time."

Jack stared grimly at Janet. "There's only one thing I can do."

*

Paul was discreetly standing in the dark of the observation room from where he could still see Daniel when Doctor Frasier sidled up to him.

"You okay?"

"I'm not the one's who's sick," Paul said.

"Talk to him," she said softly.

Paul wasn't listening. He just continued staring at the prone woman down in the isolation room, so horribly still. "God. What if he dies?" Doctor Frasier was silent beside him. Paul looked at his her. "You're supposed to tell me he won't."

She offered a small smile. "I wish I could, but I really don't know."

Paul sighed and went back to his vigil, until the alarms sounded. He knew what that meant. It could only mean one thing. Cheyenne Mountain had just been put on lock down.

*

"Is this a wise decision, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked as he, Carter and Jack stood in the corridor outside the research room.

"I told them the machine might be dangerous. You know, contagious and that we had no choice," Jack said.

"But, sir, I don't think it is contagious," Carter said.

Jack stared at Carter. "Yes, Carter. It's called lying."

Carter closed her eyes and shook her head. "Sorry. I'm... a little tired."

Jack gave her a pat on the arm. "Look, once this blows over, I'll just tell them I did what I thought was best to protect the civilian population."

"How did the Octagon find out about he machine, O'Neill?"

Jack shrugged. "I have no idea, but I've got Siler running a check on all outgoing communications."

"You don't think it was Major Davis, do you?" Carter asked.

Jack shook his head. "I think Davis is aware that once Daniel's in the hands of the Octagon, they're not going to give a rats ass about him recovering."

"If someone has already informed the Octagon, O'Neill, we must proceed with caution."

"I'm not arguing with that," Jack said. "Okay, you guys get back to work. We're running out of time here."

Carter and Teal'c nodded, turning and heading back into the research room. Jack headed to his next port of call, only to walk into Davis.

"Colonel. What's going on? Why are we on lock down?"

"Got a call from your friends at the Octagon. They were talking about sending a team down here to take the machine and Daniel."

Davis frowned. "What? How did they even know?"

Jack shrugged. "You tell me."

Davis looked stunned for a moment and shook his head. "I wouldn't. Not now."

Davis seemed to flinch. "Sir, if anything happened to Daniel... I... you can trust me," Davis said, swallowing. “I wouldn't do this to Daniel. No matter what.”

Jack nodded. "Okay."

*

Daniel was dreaming of a bright light. It was warm and it glowed, easing the pain and there was so much pain. They were trying to save him, but it was pointless because he was already gone. Because even if they saved him, he'd never be same again. And he wanted to go. He was hurting, even before the pain in his body began, he was hurting. It was time for a new journey.

"Oma," he whispered.

Daniel gasped awake, the nightmare making his heart beat hard in his ears.

Janet was hovering by his bed, looking down at him with concern. "Daniel?"

Daniel frowned, not sure of where he was. For a moment it felt as though he had been in a million places at once as a million different people.

"I was dreaming," Daniel murmured.

"About what?" Janet asked softly.

Daniel frowned, trying to put the pieces of the dream back together. "It was weird. I felt like I was me, but I was looking through someone else's eyes. Someone who was dying."

Janet's hand was suddenly holding his, tight. Daniel closed his eyes and tried remember the warmth, because for a moment he was sure it had spoken to him.

*

Sam ran her fingers through her hair for the umpteenth time, her eyes beginning to itch and her body feeling jittery. Opposite her, Svetlana was calmly looking at her laptop, cigarette dangling from her mouth, her lipstick still amazingly fresh and crimson.

Sam squinted as cigarette smoke wafted in her direction, but she was beyond bothered by it now. Glancing behind her, she saw McKay sitting on the floor, cross-legged, laptop in his lap and hooked to the machine's crystal console, fingers scurrying across the keys. Every now and then Sam could hear McKay's mutter an indignant protest at no one in particular and then the tapping would resume.

Sam got up, her legs feeling numb and cold from having sat too long in one place. Svetlana looked up at Sam. "Stretching my legs," Sam said.

Svetlana nodded and went back to work as Sam walked away and crossed over to the linguistic side of the room. She went to Jonas and Teal'c's table, where both men were peering at dusty scroll.

"How's it going?" Sam asked, touching Teal'c's arm.

Teal'c looked subdued and Jonas tired, his eyes having taken on a pinkish tinge.

"Very slowly," Teal'c answered wearily.

Sam nodded, sifting through an open folder of photographs on the table. "These from the temple?"

Jonas gave a nod. "Daniel was showing me how to use one of your digital cameras that capture moving images. These are some of the stills."

Sam looked at the pictures, stifling a yawn and aware that Teal'c was giving her a worried look. She turned to him and smiled.

"I'm fine. We all need sleep." Teal'c gave a conceding nod and smile. "I better get back," Sam said, turning to go and accidentally brushing the folder off the table.

Cursing, she bent down to pick them up, Teal'c in front of her gathering ones out of her reach. A picture caught her eye as Teal'c's hand reached for it. Sam grabbed his hand, pushing it aside and picking up the photograph.

She looked at it closely. It was a photograph of a wall relief that showed a woman standing in front of a man, her hand stretched out above his head and a woman standing behind the man, facing his back. Black dotted rays seemed to be coming out of the palm of the first women, showering over the man. Sam got up, staring at the picture.

"What's this?" Sam asked, showing Teal'c and Jonas the image.

Jonas squinted at the picture. "We think that's the Goa'uld that was occupying Kelowna. Actually, Daniel translated the text under the image yesterday," Jonas said, searching through the papers on the table and pulling out a notepad. "It says, 'and from within her blessing she is born'."

Sam took another close look at the picture. "There's something weird about this picture."

"Like what?" Jonas asked.

Sam shook her head. "I don't know. The bugs on the border I think."

"Daniel said they're probably a variation of something you have on Earth called a scarab beetle."

Sam looked up at Jonas and Teal'c, showing them the picture. "Mind if I take this?"

"Why?" Teal'c asked.

Sam looked at the small beetles that crawling under the painting of the Goa'uld. "I don't know yet."

*

Paul sat by Daniel's bed quietly. He felt useless as people tried to figure out the machine and translate texts. All he could do was sit by and watch. He chewed on his thumbnail, desperate frustration bubbling under the surface. Paul took a deep breath and reached out for Daniel's hand, taking it in his, tentatively.

"Such an ass," he mumbled.

"I thought I apologized for that," Daniel said.

Paul looked up and saw Daniel's eyes fixed on him. "Hey."

"Hey," Daniel said quietly.

"I wasn't calling you an ass," Paul said. "Actually, I was talking about myself. For being so angry at you. You... make me crazy."

"I really screwed up."

Paul squeezed the hand in his. "It doesn't matter, Daniel."

"It doesn't?"

Paul shrugged. "Sure. Let's just blame someone else."

Daniel smiled. "We can do that?"

"Sure. I was thinking Colonel O'Neill."

Daniel laughed. "Okay. He's used to it."

*

"Yes! I'm in!" Rodney said, grinning and pulling his hands back from the keyboard, lest they do something stupid. Svetlana was kneeling next to him in a flash as they watched the data filling the screen. Rodney grinned as the screen filled. "That's it, I think we're in."

Svetlana said, "Hope you have brushed up on your Goa'uld."

"Right," Rodney said. "That could be a problem time wise."

Rodney and Svetlana looked up when the light suddenly became blocked. Teal'c was looming over them with Jonas at his side.

"You have made progress?" Teal'c asked.

Rodney narrowed his eyes and looked up at Teal'c. "Progress would be an unbelievably large understatement. I've only spent the last eight hours hooked up to this..."

"McKay," Svetlana said flatly.

Rodney stopped the lament. "Sorry. It's just that I'm teetering on the brink of a hypoglycemic coma here."

Svetlana sighed and shook her head. "Have you made any progress with the temple texts? We need all the help we can get with this machine."

Teal'c looked grim. "We have finished translating a some of the texts found with the machine. Though the dialect is unfamiliar, I was able to decipher a portion that speaks of using shanak behn'eh in the device."

Rodney frowned. "Which is?"

"Loosely translated, the term shanak is a numerical value for the size of objects that are invisible to the naked eye. The word behn'eh refers to that which is of a synthetic nature."

Rodney looked at Svetlana in confusion. "Any ideas what that might be? Sounds a little too small for our gender bending machine."

"You're right," Sam said appearing from behind Jonas. "It's not the machine."

Svetlana looked up at Sam. "You know what it is?"

Sam held up a photograph in her hand. "Nanites."

*

"That's impossible," Janet said as she shook her head, looking at the photograph in her hand.

Jack looked at the faces around the briefing table, grim and looking worse in the light of the lanterns. At the end of the table, McKay was tapping away at his laptop, Markov watching what he was doing. Carter sat next to Markov, photograph in hand.

Janet looked worn out, Jonas Quinn and Teal'c beside her, a file of photographs and pages of scribbling in front of them. Opposite them sat Davis, looking tired and edgy. Jack sighed and sat back in his chair, the word nanites having deflated him greatly.

"If there were any nanites in Daniel's body, they would have shown up in the blood-works," Janet said.

"I'm sorry, I hate to be the one to say this, but are a few stupid drawings on a wall from thousands of years ago proof of nanites being behind this all? I mean, especially with the dire lack of evidence involved?" McKay asked, not looking up from his laptop.

Everyone stared at him. He didn't notice so they stopped staring.

"Severe personality flaws aside, McKay's right," Jack said.

McKay looked up, frowned as if he had missed something and then went back to his laptop.

"I'm not offering the wall up as proof," Carter said. "But the blown up images show that the rays coming out of the woman's hand in the painting are very small bugs. They spray over the man and behind him is a woman, presumably after the change. Now, if you look at the border underneath, you'll see it's a little faded, but it used to be red. More importantly, the bugs lined up within it are not scarabs."

"That depends purely on your own perception," McKay said.

"On its own, it's a long shot," Carter went on, ignoring McKay. "But with the stuff that Teal'c and Jonas translated, I think it's pretty certain that nanites are involved."

"Okay." Janet gave a nod. "Let's say it is nanites. Why aren't they showing up on any of the tests?"

Jack watched the table as foreheads crinkled with frowns. Davis turned and looked at Jack. Jack shrugged.

"Isn't it possible these nanite things could just dissolve? Once they've done whatever it is they do?" Jonas asked. Everyone stared at him. Actually, Jack thought, specifically, all the doctors stared at him.

"I hate to bring this up, but if that machine's got nanites in it, should we be poking about with it at all?" Jack asked.

"It may be wise to limit the number of people that come into contact with it," Markov said. "There is a part of the machine that has proved inaccessible and therefore we've been reluctant to force it open. If the machine is using nanites, it could pose a risk."

"You don't think there's a danger of them, I dunno, going forth and multiplying, do you?" Jack asked.

"If Mr. Quinn's assumption about them dissolving is correct, I don't think they're probably built to replicate beyond a certain number and conditions."

Markov frowned at McKay. "You do? Since when?"

"Just now," McKay said with a nod. "While you were all talking."

"Well, feel free to keep us updated," Jack said with a tight smile.

"Well, what would be the point of having exponentially replicating nanites if they've been programmed to be break down in the body once they've finished whatever their function is? I mean, it doesn't really make sense. If the nanites continued replicating, then they'd be showing up in Doctor Jackson's blood even now," McKay said, his expression thoughtful as if he was still theorizing.

"Right," Janet said with a nod. "The nanites carry the information to re-write the DNA, maybe using some kind of retro-virus and then breakdown once they've completed their job."

"Maybe something along those lines," McKay said as he turned his laptop around so everyone could see the screen.

"What's that?" Davis asked.

McKay was smiling proudly as everyone looked at the screen. "Ah. This is only a fraction of the data stored in the machine. I was able to link into the machine's internal computer and access the data repository. We've ascertained that there's an inordinate amount of data on that machine, it would probably take years to analyze."

"Any idea what it is?" Jack asked.

"Not really," Markov said, pulling the laptop towards and earning a disappointed look from McKay. "But we've ascertained that the data is arranged into two sets."

Everyone waited as Markov tapped away, McKay reaching over to do something and having his hand slapped away. After a minute, Markov returned the computer to its previous position. The screen showed two windows. One with solid black blocks and the other with white ones.

Markov pointed with her pen to the black blocks. "Each one of these blocks contains sets of data. We're unable to ascertain how much because, well, simply, the device is capable of storing more information than we are able to retrieve and analyze. I am sure that some of this data is corrupted and mostly incomplete in all of these blocks. However, when we tried to access the white blocks, there's nothing. Either because we have not been able to link successfully or again, it's been corrupted. Teal'c has confirmed that the data characters are Goa'uld, however it is not decipherable. Most probably encrypted. At this point, the data is useless."

"Maybe it's the genetic code," Jonas said with a frown.

There was quiet as everyone looked at Jonas, who seemed worried.

Carter was nodding. "You might be right."

McKay frowned, almost looking insulted. "What? How?"

"If the nanites are re-writing the DNA they're obviously being programmed to do it by the machine. It makes sense," Carter said.

"Have you been able to find out if the information contained within the blocks is of a similar nature?" Teal'c asked.

"We can't be sure without looking at all the data blocks, but so far the printouts showed variations," McKay said. "Why?"

"Is it not possible the blocks contain information regarding the people changed by the machine?"

Carter nodded. "Sure, but why have two sets of data? We need to fix the error and find out what's in those white blocks."

"What if they're empty?" Jack asked.

Jack received stares and wondered if he could get away with pretending he had said nothing.

"Empty?" McKay asked. "Well, what would be the point of that?"

"Maybe they no longer have any information," Jonas said.

McKay looked positively bored now. "Where would it go?"

Markov turned to him with a quizzical look. "Back?"

McKay frowned. "Back?"

"It discards data it doesn't need anymore?" Janet asked.

McKay's frown eased as if something had clicked, but Carter beat him to it.

"One set for before the change and if they change back, it becomes an empty block?"

Markov nodded. "The data set with the inaccessible blocks is disproportionately smaller, but it could mean there's a possibility that you can change back."

"Possibility? For all we know those data sets could represent the amount of people that turned vegan in the year of the Goa'uld. I mean, there's no evidence to suggest that there even is a way to change back," McKay said. "Really, you're just reaching now."

Jack sighed, covering his eyes for a moment as Carter, McKay and Markov began to bicker amongst themselves. When he moved his hand away, Teal'c was watching him with an odd expression.

Jack frowned. "What?"

"There is a prayer on the temple walls," Teal'c said and all the talking stopped.

"Well, that's good," McKay said. "Because at this point it's our best option."

"What about it, Teal'c?” Jack asked wearily.

"The prayer says something akin to, take one step forward and receive your blessing from your goddess."

"And you, the insolent shall take one step back to be punished," Jonas said absently as he nodded.

Teal'c looked at Carter. "The Goa'uld occupying Kelowna believed that female warriors would be more effective and changed her Jaffa under the guise of a blessing."

"That's some blessing," Jack said flatly.

"You think some of them were changed back as a punishment?" Davis asked Teal'c.

"Indeed," Teal'c answered. "The prayer was written under a painting that was virtually the same as the one in the photograph Major Carter discovered."

"Only in this painting, the Goa'uld's holding her hand out over a woman and there's a man behind her, presumably after being changed back," Jonas added. "Everything else in the painting is exactly the same."

"You think changing Daniel back might just be a case of repeating the process?" Janet asked.

"Whoa!" McKay objected. "That's crazy. We have no way of knowing that could even work. We could end up killing him by exposing him to that machine a second time. Not to mention what might happen with a second shot of those nanites you're so convinced are involved."

"At the moment, it's the closest thing we have to a theory," Carter said. "There's a possibility that somewhere in those data sets is a copy of Daniel's original DNA and that a second burst reverses the process by utilizing that information."

"And what if your friend gets a second dose of those nanites?" McKay asked.

"I'm assuming that after they make their alterations, they'll just be absorbed into his body like the first time," Carter said tightly.

McKay stood up and stared at her. "My god, you're a certified lunatic! You have no way of knowing that a second dose of nanites won't kill Jackson. Have you totally forgotten your excursion to Argos? Those things made you age sixty years in a matter of days."

Carter rolled her eyes. "How can I forget the magical moment that brought you into the SGC and our lives?"

McKay ignored Carter and looked at Jack. "Look, Colonel, I just don't think we know enough to take this kind of risk. So far all we have is guesswork. There's no actual evidence at all."

Jack felt his brain numbing and shook his head. He looked to Janet. "Doctor?"

"He doesn't have long. The Kelownans have even less time."

"Sir, we should at least ask Daniel," Carter said. "At this point, it's all we have."

Jack nodded. "Say he agrees to this. Then what?"

McKay sighed, shaking his head slumping back down in his seat. "The conversion's probably proportional to the energy emitted by the machine. If we just sit him front of it and switch the thing on he could come back looking like a Persian rug. If Major Carter's theory is correct, and that's a highly big if, he probably needs to be exposed for the equal amount time and receiving the same amount of the burst as the first time. But that would be a guess at the best, based on the fact that you've all clearly lost your scruples."

Davis shook his head. "The same amount? The device was overloading when Daniel got exposed it."

"The machine wasn't working. That might explain why the change never fully worked either," Janet said.

"Which is precisely why we shouldn't be doing it a second time," McKay said. “He's dying right now because of what happened. There's nothing to indicate that a second burst won't kill him.”

"But if there's a chance that that machine does have a record of Daniel's original genetic makeup and it can re-alter, it's the best chance we have of saving his life," Janet said.

McKay gave her a completely bored look. "And maybe we should sacrifice a few chickens while we're at it."

"McKay," Jack warned.

"We should go to Kelowna," Markov said. "It would be quicker than bringing their sick scientists here, considering they are even more sick than Doctor Jackson. Also, repeat the process, how it happened and where it happened."

"The report said that Daniel was the one that extracted the core," Janet pointed out.

Markov looked at Carter's troubled face. "Then he must do it again."

*

"You think it'll work?" Daniel asked, his eyes half-open.

Carter looked apprehensive. "We don't know, Daniel. So far it's all we've got."

Daniel gave a nod. "I guess we've got no other choice then"

Carter was blinking back tears, taking Daniel's hand in hers and squeezing, receiving a smile. Jack decided make his presence felt.

"Hey," he said, stopping at Carter's side. "They're moving the machine. You ready?"

Carter gave a nod and patted Daniel's hand. "I'll see you on the other side, Daniel."

Daniel nodded and Carter left, Jack moving into her space.

"So, I hear you have Sam's plant," Daniel said.

Jack gave him a long hard look. "You're going to be okay."

Daniel smiled. "You know, I keep getting this weird dream. You're there, Sam's there. So's Teal'c. And, I can't see anything, just a whole lot of light. And then I asked you to let me go... and you do."

"No one is letting anyone go," Jack said forcefully. "No one is dying. That's old hat, Daniel. You're like a bad penny. You always come back. It's your thing. Just stick to the script, okay?"

Daniel gave a slow nod. "So, today's not a good day to die?"

Jack shook his head. "Not in this universe."

*

"You remember Oma?"

"Sure."

"I think I can do more this way. It's what I want. I have to go now. Everything's gonna be fine. Please, Jack. Tell Jacob to stop."

*

Teal'c pushed the wheelchair slowly, following the Kelownan guards down the corridor.

"Teal'c," Daniel said, his voice sounding breathless. "Listen, I want to say something."

The wheelchair stopped. Daniel waited for words of wisdom. Maybe the last words Teal'c would ever say to him. A hand clasped his shoulder, tight and warm.

Daniel nodded. That was the good thing about Teal'c. He always said the right thing.

*

Jack looked into the gate room, Janet by his side.

"He'll be okay," Janet said.

Jack nodded. "Yeah."

*

"Jacob. Stop."

"Are you serious?"

"It's what he wants."

*

Daniel watched with quiet amusement as Kelownan scientists, along with Sam and Svetlana Markov were suffering at the crisp words of Rodney McKay. Around them, technicians were rushing back and forth. The device was at the center of the room and behind Daniel were beds with the sick Kelownan scientists. Daniel felt a small sense of relief that he hadn't ended up being as big boned as some of them.

Daniel watched Jonas and Teal'c in quiet conversation by the door, people brushing past them as they entered and left the room. Daniel sighed as his eyes failed to find Paul anywhere. He told himself that it didn't matter. After all, Sam was here, so was Teal'c and Jack was waiting their safe return. Everyone he needed was right there, doing what they did.

"When this is over, you owe everyone a drink, Daniel."

Daniel turned his head and saw Paul, standing right there by the wheel chair. "Hey."

Paul smiled, but it was unable to hide the nerves as it faltered slightly.

"If everything works out, do we have to go back to hating each other?" Daniel asked.

Paul closed his eyes, some kind of regret evident. He shook his head. "God, no."

Daniel nodded, thinking how things not working out would be very disappointing. He smiled. "Good. That was getting really old."

"Okay people, we're moving out," McKay shouted across the room.

Daniel swallowed nervously as everyone started to leave. Teal'c and Jonas nodded to him from the doorway and left once he nodded back to them.Daniel looked back at the hospital beds with the dying scientists and his heart beat a little quicker.

The equipment in the room was humming and buzzing, hooked up to Kelownan and Earth technology. Daniel watched as Markov, Sam and McKay stood in a little huddle and seemed to have a final difference of opinions. Sam lifted her hand up and McKay stopped talking, looking thoroughly annoyed.

Markov ran from the huddle and left the room as Sam walked to Daniel.

"We have to leave now," Sam said to Paul.

Paul nodded and looked down at Daniel, his face flushed. "See you in a bit, Daniel."

Daniel nodded. "Yeah. Drinks are on me."

Paul smiled, his gaze nervously shifting. He gave a final nod and turned to leave. Daniel watched him as he walked off, stopping and then suddenly turning around. He looked at Sam then at Paul, slowly making his way back. Paul leaned down and put his arms around Daniel.

"You'll be fine," he whispered in Daniel's ear, kissing him just near there and pulling away.

Daniel smiled as Paul turned and hurried away. He turned and looked at Sam. "I think we're making progress."

Sam smiled and for a moment the weariness on her face disappeared. She held out a radio, showing it to Daniel before clipping it to the too big jacket he was wearing. "We're going up to the ground level to monitor the energy output. You have to remove the core as soon as I tell you, Daniel. Too late and the machine will overload."

"And everyone in this building?" Daniel asked.

Sam nodded. "It's been evacuated. Everyone here knows the risk. The underground levels were built to withstand large explosions."

"That says a lot about the Kelownans," Daniel said.

Sam rolled her eyes but smiled. She put her arms around Daniel then, holding him tightly for a long while.

"How do I look?" Daniel asked as Sam pulled back.

Sam grinned, her eyes bright. "Pretty."

McKay chose that moment to appear at Sam's side and gave Daniel a small smile. "Right, we're all set. Doctor Jackson, though you look quite fetching, hopefully you should have the more interesting parts of the male anatomy back within the next two hours."

Daniel gave an appreciative nod. "Thank you, Doctor McKay."

McKay sighed a little, looking slightly less confident. He pointed to the doorway. "I'll uh... well, good luck."

"We can't have you too close to the machine while it powers up," Sam said as McKay left. "You think you'll be able to make it?"

Daniel patted the armrest on his wheelchair. "Sure. I've got my ride. Go. I'm not sure how long Janet's stimulants are going to keep me... stimulated."

Sam took a deep breath and then gave a sharp nod. "Sure you want to do this?"

Daniel thought about it. "Well, it's either this or be buried in a dress."

*

"I'm gonna miss you guys."

"Yeah, you too."

"Thank you. For everything."

"So, what? See you around?"

"I don't know."

*

The control room was quiet even though it was filled with too many people. Two large tables were taken up with computers and instruments that were hooked up to the apparatus floors below. Sam and McKay were the last to walk in and went to Markov's side, taking up positions in front of the laptops as a few Kelownan scientists gathered behind and around them.

Teal'c stood at the back of the room, arms crossed and a nervous Jonas beside him. Both men were quiet, only giving Paul acknowledging nods when he changed his location and came to stand with them. For a long time it felt as though nothing was happening, only quiet murmurs flitting through the room.

"Looks like it's going to peak," McKay's nervous voice made it past the crowded scientists. "This is... this could be a problem."

"Why?" a Kelownan scientist asked.

"Why? Because according to your readings it didn't build up a charge so quick last time. If that machine overloads, it's going to take out more than just a few floors."

There was a deafening quiet. The group of scientists parted until Sam was looking at Paul. "Major, I want you to take as many people as you can back to the Stargate."

"You don't understand, Major," McKay snapped at Sam. "There's not enough time. Either Doctor Jackson removes the core at the right time or..."

McKay shook his head. All eyes returned to the energy readings.

*

Daniel watched the machine, buzzing and humming penetrating his skull. Daniel felt his face warming and things seemed to blur for a moment, as if he were in a million places at once.

release your burden...

Daniel frowned at the feint whispers at the edge of his consciousness. He shook his head, but everything was so warm.

He stared at the machine. He wasn't going to make it.

*

"Hey… where are you going?"

"I don't know."

*

"Okay, now!" McKay yelled as he saw the spike on the monitor.

"Daniel, you've got less than a minute to remove the core," Sam said instantly, her hand almost crushing the radio her grip was so tight.

Everyone waited for an answer or any sound. Sam looked at Svetlana who was staring back worried. Sam turned to McKay whose face was pale and terrified.

"It's all up to him now," Sam said.

They waited.

*

Sam walked into the lab and watched the experiment, disappointed that Daniel hadn't been well enough to come on the mission. He would have loved this place.
Disappointment turned to terror as the scientists dropped. She did the only thing she could think of, firing the gun and shattering the glass. Getting up from the floor, pieces of glass in her hair, she ran and removed the core. She knew she was dead even before she did it.

*

Daniel had returned to Earth for a book he needed to give to Jonas and Teal'c was now being shown around the complex by the friendly Kelownan.

When he smashed through the glass, a part of him truly believed that maybe his symbiote would save him somehow. But even the parasite was succumbing to the radiation poisoning. In fact, all it did was make Teal'c die a little slower. When they removed the symbiote from his pouch, he told himself he died free.

*

Jack was being given the tour of the Kelownan Stargate facility by a woman on the council and they spoke of ways to strengthen relations between Earth and Kelowna. They were still laughing over an obscure joke when the scientists began to fall.

When Jack pulled the core from the device, he stared at his hands and mumbled, "Crap."

*

As he stood by the window, staring out at the city, Jonas Quinn looked forward to meeting with the first people they would encounter from another world. The people of Earth would arrive in a day and they would shed light on the ruins and Stargate itself. He'd never expected a discovery of this proportion in his his own lifetime. He smiled.

However, in the same facility a scientist had chosen to come to work on his rest day and was testing a machine. A machine that generated great power.

The last thing he saw was the bright flash of death.

The Kelownans never did meet the people of Earth.

*

Before all the monitors went completely black, the energy readings showed a frantic series of spikes across the screen. Then the machines all went dead at the same time. The lights in the building all turned off.

McKay turned from the dead monitor and stared at Sam. "Oh no."

*

your fate is in your hands...

*

The briefing room was silent, though everyone was there, seated around the table as the lanterns gently glowed in front of them. Jack was sitting in his chair, facing away from the table where everyone sat with stunned faces.

"I can't believe it," McKay was saying for the hundredth time. "It doesn't make any sense. None of it."

Janet frowned. "Are you sure that's what happened?"

Sam stared ahead blankly. "He never made it to the device."

"It's like someone replaced the laws of physics with a Marx brothers script," McKay mumbled.

There was a sudden burst of laughter that attracted everyone's attention. Markov was laughing and simultaneously lighting a cigarette with the aid of one of the lanterns. She sat back, smoked and laughed some more.

McKay miserably shook his head. "I need a drink."

Markov laughed and patted his hand, which he pulled away with annoyance.

"I will return to Chulak," Teal'c suddenly said.

"Oh for crying out loud," Jack snapped. "You are not going to Chulak."

"Things were simple there," Teal'c said, Jonas next to him, looking as stunned as the others.

"Hey! You're not going anywhere."

Markov continued to laugh quietly at the end of the table, muttering to herself in Russian, shaking her head, McKay coughing as smoke wafted past him and Carter on Markov's other side, still staring silently, her lips moving in silent questions.

Janet was watching the physicists have their mental breakdown as Teal'c and Jonas stared at the briefing room window. Jack shook his head and turned to the man on his left. Davis was sitting there staring down at the notepad in front of him.

"You know, if you tell me they're all cracked, I'll believe you," Jack said. "Seriously. Say the word. Say it."

Davis shook his head and looked up. "It's all true, sir. That's what happened.

Jack closed his eyes. "I can't put that in a report. The Octagon already thinks that most of our reports are made up."

Davis shrugged. "Sir, it's what happened."

"Maybe. But it's also nuts."

Davis nodded. "Yes, sir. It is."

*

When the lights had all suddenly come back on after precisely nine minutes, everyone in the control room looked at each other. Moments later the computers were back online, but the monitors were showing nothing.

Sam rushed out past everyone and a few moments later they were all following her down. Minutes later, they all stood in the middle of the lab, trying to comprehend what had just happened. Sam was kneeling by Daniel who lay on the floor, unconscious and at the foot of his wheelchair. Behind her, McKay was panicking.

"This all wrong," Sam said, her fingers finding Daniel's pulse. "The first time, it took longer for him to change."

Paul crouched down beside Daniel, relief written all across his face. Sam could see he didn't really care how or what had happened. Daniel was alive and himself. That was more than enough. Sam finally stood up and turned to see McKay in a state of hyperventilation as Markov stood next to the spot where the machine had been set up.

"This makes no sense," McKay was saying.

Sam turned and looked around the whole room. McKay was right. It made no sense at all. The whole place was empty except for Daniel, his wheelchair and the Kelownan scientists in their beds, unconscious, but male.

Everything else was gone.

Sam turned back to see Paul, still by Daniel's side, shaking his head in disbelief. Sam sighed, relief coursing through her. "Let's go home," she said.

*

"Vanished," Jack said. "Just like that."

Davis nodded. "Just like that, sir."

"Come on. Quit yanking my chain," Jack said.

"Sir, it's the truth. I can't believe it myself," Davis said, looking slightly bewildered.

Jack sighed and looked at his watch. "Okay, fine. With the exception of Jonas, you all owe me reports. Since the lock down is over, the Octagon should be calling off the dogs, but I need those reports ASAP before you all disappear."

"Whoa, wait a second. Why do we owe you reports? We don't even work for you," McKay said.

Jack looked at Davis. "Major?"

Davis turned to McKay's annoyed face. "Actually, under SGC policy, any outside help is brought in on a special contract that makes you an employee for the duration of your visit. This means you're subject to the rules and regulations of the SGC like any other employee. Colonel Zlotoff knew this when he sent you and Doctor Markov here."

Markov shook her head, cigarette on the verge of falling from her mouth. "That Zlotoff, such a bastard. I told you not to sleep with him."

McKay glared at Markov. "Oh, thank you. Just broadcast my personal life to everyone, why don't you?"

Jack frowned. "Seriously, Zlotoff?"

McKay straightened up, slightly embarrassed. "He has a very tender side."

*

When Daniel came to, he was certain he was supposed to be doing something else. Like being dead. Not being dead was quite the pleasant surprise. Also, something felt odd. Distinctly different in fact. Daniel let his hand float up to his chest, letting it lay there, squeezing the muscle of his right pec.

"They're gone," came Jack's voice.

Daniel opened his eyes and looked to the side of the bed, where his amused friend stood. Then he looked down at himself, finding a completely unobstructed view. Weird. Of course, something else was back too. Daniel's hand slipped under the covers and trailed down tentatively, finally finding the holy grail.

"Oh god," Daniel said, squeezing himself with relief. "Thank you."

"Uh... as enjoyable as it is to see you fondle yourself, you might want to leave that until you get home, Daniel," Jack said.

Daniel stared up at Jack, still in disbelief. "I'm still here."

Jack nodded and then gave a little frown. "Yeah. About that."

*

Sam was sure she was supposed to be awake. Wasn't she supposed to be figuring out how the hell Daniel had ended up having better breasts than her? Right, the Goa'uld machine. She was supposed to be working on the Goa'uld machine. But evidentially, she was sleeping. This much was obvious from the fact that she was now waking up with a dry mouth and gluey eyes. Her head felt as though someone had scooped out the inside and filled it with lead.

An aroma tickled her nose as something was placed directly in front of her. Coffee. Good old Janet, she thought, always so thoughtful and always there for her. But it had all gone so wrong with Colonel Butt Monkey stealing her away. Sam groaned as she lifted her head enough to see the steaming cup of coffee. She reached for it, gratefully wrapping her hand around the hot cup.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"It is my pleasure," came the reply.

Sam sat up and turned to see Svetlana leaning against the worktop, elbow propped on worktop and chin resting in the palm of her hand as she smiled at Sam. For once, she wasn't smoking.

Sam frowned at the other woman. Her makeup was pristine, her hair perfect and there wasn't a trace of tiredness on her face. Sam looked at her watch and found it had only been two hours since the briefing, yet Svetlana looked as though she had returned from a lengthy stay at a health spa.

"You didn't have to do this," Sam said.

"You look like you need it," Svetlana said simply. "Actually, you look like you need a rest and very long vacation."

"Thanks," Sam said with a scowl. "Why the hell do you look so rested? Aren't you tired?"

Svetlana gave a shrug. "No. I do not sleep much."

"What are you? Some kind of vampire?"

Svetlana gave a crimson smile and nod. "Da."

Sam's brow went up. "Okay. If you say so. Where's McKay?"

"He fell asleep in the commissary. I left him there."

"That was nice of you."

"He did it to me once."

"I thought you didn't sleep."

"I am also a compulsive liar."

"Why should I believe you? You could be lying right now," Sam said with narrowed eyes.

Svetlana nodded. "I see Rodney was very wrong about you."

"He was? Why? What did he say about me?"

"That you are not as smart as you look and he is the world's biggest genius. And you are not really blond."

Sam nodded. "It's good to see he's growing as a person."

Svetlana laughed. "What he lacks in charm, he makes up for in intelligence. But I would never tell him. His head is already very large and strangely round."

Sam nodded. "I'm surprised it fit through the Stargate."

Svetlana smiled, straightening up and pulling a small silver case from her pocket. She flipped it open and took out a cigarette.

Sam gave a disapproving look. "You're not supposed to smoke in the SGC. Openly."

Svetlana seemed to think it over, looking at the cigarette. Then she replaced it in the case with a shrug. "Bad habit. I should give up."

Sam smiled. "Yeah."

"Well, I must go and finish my report. I will let you enjoy your coffee," Svetlana said, turning to go.

Sam watched the other woman make her way out, a little sorry to see her go. "Hey," Sam called out, making Svetlana turn back. "Thanks."

Svetlana shrugged. "It's only coffee."

Sam shook her head. "Not just that. For coming and helping. I really appreciate it."

Svetlana gave a slow thoughtful nod, looking a little troubled. "I am quite sure that what happened to Doctor Jackson had nothing to do with you, me or Rodney. He should be dead."

Sam looked at the ground, not wanting to think about what had happened. It was all too crazy. "I know. But thanks for trying."

Svetlana had a huge pleased smile on her face when Sam looked back up. "It is my pleasure."

Sam watched Svetlana as she headed for the door. Finding herself suddenly standing, one foot forward as if she might follow, Sam blurted out, “Hey.”

Svetlana stopped and turned back. “Yes?”

Sam gave her a nervous smile. “I was thinking--”

“I would love to,” Svetlana said and then stopped, standing there with her mouth hanging open. “I mean... please, finish your question.”

Sam grinned.

*

Jonas was still in the briefing room, staring into the gate room and the still Stargate. It looked like an object of worship in the light of burning torches. Tall, grand and mysterious. Jonas was still amazed by it, still unable to comprehend its existence.

"Jonas Quinn," Teal'c said, appearing at his side.

Jonas looked at the other man and smiled. "Teal'c."

"O'Neill tells me that you have asked to remain on Earth." Jonas gave a silent nod. Teal'c frowned. "Something has transpired?"

Jonas sighed and looked back at the gate. "When the High Minister allowed us to bring the device and research to Earth, it was on the condition that I wouldn't return to Kelowna."

"I do not understand."

Jonas pushed down the already appearing pangs of homesickness. "We were... friends and now he doesn't want me around."

"And now you will never return to your home world?"

Jonas shook his head. "Only while he's High Minister and people are interested in his perfect personal life."

"How long will that be?"

"A year. Maybe two," Jonas answered, staring at his own reflection and noticing the knowing look on Teal'c's face.

Teal'c placed a hand on his shoulder. “We are luckier for it.”

Jonas smiled. “Thank you, Teal'c. And I'm sure I'll have a great time exploring this world. You could even show me around.” Teal'c arched a brow, a small smile spreading on his face. Jonas frowned and said, “Did I say something?”

*

Knuckles rapped the table, right next to Rodney's ear. His head snapped up and he looked around, startled. "Wha? I, I was, power nap. But uh, I think I figured it out," Rodney said as Svetlana took a seat opposite him, placing two coffees in the middle of the table.

She lit up a cigarette, shaking her head at Rodney as she took a long drag. "Will you stop with this? It is making my head hurt."

"No, no, listen. I think, maybe, the machine had some kind of self-destruct protocol, you know, on the off chance that someone would try to link into the repository."

Svetlana gave a nod, though clearly she did not agree. "Okay. Then why is it that only the research, the machine and the equipment disappeared? Hmm? Answer me that, genius."

"Maybe it's not designed to harm organic life forms. I mean, let's face it, some of those scientists were probably as close to vegetation as you'll ever get. Did you get a look at their notes?"

"Rodney, don't be a pompous ass. It's why you have no boyfriend. As for that machine, it was made by the Goa'uld. As far as I know, they like causing damage. They would not devise a machine to spare human suffering. Yes? And finally, if the machine self-destructed, where is the debris?"

Rodney looked panicked again. The laws of physics were being replaced by the smoke rings that Svetlana was happily blowing and he could do nothing about it. “What if... what if it disintegrated?"

Svetlana's expression was so flat, Rodney wondered if she'd died and gone to disgruntled heaven. "Matter does not disappear into thin air, Rodney. This is not one of your crazy science fiction TV shows with the men and the tight pants."

"Tigh... wha?" Rodney frowned and looked around the commissary, as if it might offer an explanation into his friend. "Well, maybe it disappeared and appeared in some Kelownan's kitchen somewhere," Rodney said, utterly frustrated.

Svetlana stared. "I believe the chances of that would be infinitesimally small. Smaller even than the chance of you not sleeping with Zlotoff again."

"Oh, shut up," Rodney said, irritably, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead. "I don't understand. We should be dead. That building should be a pile of rubble. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy we're alive and I'm dying of passive smoking as we speak, but it doesn't make any sense."

Svetlana shrugged, took a sip of her coffee and then deposited her cigarette in it as Rodney made a disapproving face. "Why does everything have to make sense?"

Rodney held his hand out towards Svetlana. "Hello, scientist. And you are?"

Svetlana shook his hand. "Extremely bored."

Rodney slumped back as Svetlana smiled. He drank down his coffee speedily, his brain still ticking and retracing all their steps. Then he frowned at Svetlana. "How long have I been asleep?"

"Long enough for me to shower, visit Samantha and finish my report," Svetlana said with a smile. "I also got a pedicure. Want to see?"

"No, thank you. I stopped subscribing to Foot Fetishists Monthly years ago. How long did you leave me here?"

"Only an hour."

"An hour?"

"Yes, two of them."

"So you just left me asleep here for two hours so anyone could come along and see me drooling all over the table."

"It was for your own good. You look nice when you sleep. I was hoping you would catch someone's eye. Someone less repulsive than Zlotoff. You need a boyfriend. Or sex. With someone that's not Zlotoff."

"I'm a guy. Men are not like women. We don't just sleep with everyone our vagina happens to like. We actually care about what's on the inside."

Svetlana snorted. "The inside is never as interesting. Just messier."

"Well stop going out with head cases then. And please stop bringing Zlotoff up. It was one time. It was a party and I was extremely drunk. I mean, I came on to you, didn't I?"

Svetlana rolled her eyes. "No. Radek."

"Oh, well, you don't look much different after a bottle of vodka. But, Radek. Really? What, uh, what happened?"

"You do not remember what he said to you?"

"Yes, I remember. I'm just asking you because I have nothing better to do than ask questions I already have the answers to."

Svetlana's face soured. "He said he told you to fu-"

"I remember," Rodney said, sitting back and looking away. "I uh, I think we had a little communication problem."

Svetlana gave a big smile and began to light up another cigarette. Rodney felt himself deflate in the chair as he sighed, feeling a little wistful now that the crisis was over and it was another Christmas being single. "You know, people really do misunderstand, Zlotoff."

Svetlana rolled her eyes, getting up from the table.

"What?" Rodney said. "You know, he's great at giving gifts too."

Svetlana shook her head as she left. "Such a slut, Rodney."

"Please," Rodney muttered. "Like you haven't slept with half of the science team."

*

"You don't remember?" Sam asked, looking disappointed.

Daniel was sitting up in his bed and being interrogated by Sam, Teal'c, Jonas and Janet. Unfortunately, he didn't have much in the way of answers.

"McKay's having a nervous breakdown over this."

"Like you're not?" Janet asked Sam with a smirk, only to be ignored.

"McKay's here?" Daniel asked, the details a little fuzzy.

"And Svetlana Markov," Janet said with a smile and discreet dart of the eyes in Sam's direction.

Daniel smiled at Janet. "Really?"

"Yep," Sam said, unaware of a number of grins around her. "Colonel O'Neill went all out."

Daniel nodded and looked at Jonas. "And you're sticking around?"

Jonas offered a polite smile. "For a little while."

"Well, I can't say I'm too disappointed," Daniel said.

"So, Daniel, what do you remember?" Sam asked.

Daniel thought about it for a moment. "Well, I remember leaving the infirmary for Kelowna. After that it's all kind of blurred."

"Has O'Neill informed you of the disappearance of the device and other equipment?" Teal'c asked.

"Yeah. Doesn't make any sense." Daniel turned to Jonas. "Your people can't be too thrilled about this."

"They're calling us thieving bastards," Sam said with a smile.

"The Kelownans are not happy," Teal'c provided.

"Spoken like the First Prime of understatement," Sam said with a grin, receiving a smile from Teal'c.

"Mind if I interrupt?"

Everyone turned to see Paul lingering at the end of the bed.

"Actually, I have some tests to run," Janet said with a smile before she left.

"Me too. I've got this thing, with the naquadah generator. Jonas, why don't you come too?" Sam said, cocking her thumb towards the infirmary door, giving Daniel a cheeky smile and then promptly leaving with Jonas who gave a small wave as he left.

Teal'c looked at Daniel. Then he looked at Paul. Hands behind back, he offered a small nod. "I do not wish to be here."

Daniel looked at Teal'c as he left, catching a small smile playing on his friend's mouth.

Paul neared Daniel's bedside. "Hey."

"Hey," Daniel replied.

"How do you feel?"

Daniel gave a nod. "Good. Better. But I kind of miss my breasts though, which is weird."

Paul laughed. "That is pretty weird."

Daniel gave Paul a long look, taking in the dark circles under his eyes. "You look tired."

Paul smiled. "I feel pretty good."

Daniel looked down at his hands, nodding. "That's good." He looked back up at Paul. "So, are we good?"

Paul offered a nod, his face serious. "Yes. We're good."

"Think maybe we could start over?" Daniel asked, carefully.

When Paul looked away, his eyes troubled, Daniel figured he didn't need to hear the answer. But he waited for it anyway. "That would be great. It's just that... Luke," Paul said slowly.

"Sure... sorry, I forgot. Of course. I understand," Daniel said, but he didn't. Not really. Not at all.

"You do?"

Daniel shrugged, "Sure, I had my shot and I blew it. It's Luke's turn now, I guess."

Paul was frowning at Daniel, like he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. He smiled. "I'm glad you feel that way. I don't want to lose a good friend, Daniel."

"You won't," Daniel said, wishing someone could knock him out with a shot of morphine.

Still smiling a smile that was beginning to annoy Daniel, Paul patted Daniel's hand. "I should let you rest."

Daniel nodded. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah, of course, You owe me that drink, remember?" Paul said, squeezing Daniel's hand before leaving.

Daniel lay back and sighed. Right about now, a pair of breasts would have been the best consolation.

*

After the initial yelling over how he could lock the base down when he knew the Octagon was sending people to take over the situation, Jack switched the speaker phone on and started up a game of solitaire. During the four leisurely games of solitaire the angry voice complained that the SGC was consistently in breach of protocol and there was no doubt that the funding committee was beginning to notice.

By the time Jack reached his eighth game, he was yawning and angry man was winding down on the end of the phone line, promising that the president would not be happy. Jack snorted. The president loved the SGC and the soap opera reports it produced. Jack doubted she would be saying anything but 'well done'.

By the time the angry voice showed signs of shutting up, Jack had his feet up on the desk and a cigarette in his mouth. Now seemed like the best time to bring back old habits. Angry man finally shut up and Jack sighed, letting the cigarette hang at the corner of his mouth as his eyes closed.

“I thought you gave up.”

Jack opened his eyes to see Daniel standing in the door way, dressed in blue BDUs and his Y chromosome. He took a drag and looked at the cigarette between his fingers. “Let's never fight again.” He frowned at Daniel. “Shouldn't you be in the infirmary?”

Daniel patted his chest and smiled. “Nope.”

Jack smiled and waved Daniel in, sticking the cigarette in his mouth, coughing as his lungs remembered the act of smoking.

Daniel grimaced. “Why are you smoking?”

“After the day I've had, be glad I'm not swinging naked from the stargate,” Jack said flatly.

Daniel turned up his nose and waved away the smoke. “After the day you've had? At least you didn't lose a penis.”

Jack thought about it. “Daniel, I swear there are days when I think I have.”

Daniel looked as though he was holding back the urge to smile as he arched a supposedly unamused eyebrow. “And I suppose you've also had to walk around with a pair of breasts.”

Jack waved his cigarette at Daniel. “I like the breasts. The breasts are good. But, to return to my original question, why aren't you resting up in the infirmary?”

“I feel fine,” Daniel explained. “I was hoping you could get Janet to let me get out of here.”

Jack nodded, smoking and hooking his fingers behind his neck. “Sure. I'm the boss remember?”

Daniel gave a shrug. “So, what's happening with everyone? Jonas said he was sticking around.”

Jack nodded. “Yep. Kelownans don't want him around for a while. Some political crap. Carter's asked for Markov's input on some paperwork, so she's sticking around for a day or two.. McKay just handed in his blissfully short report. He's flying off to Canada in the morning. Then we're going to press gang him into working for the SGC while Lee's out. The Octagon's pissed off that we lost everything and the SGC is running on about five dollars.”

Daniel nodded slowly. “Anything else happen while I had cramps?”

Jack nodded, puffing out circles of smoke. “Felger took out a corridor on level twenty-six. Brown in botany is pregnant. Dixon shot one of his men by mistake. Or at least Martouf says it was a mistake. Sheppard says he can't remember. Doctor Lee's quit the team and gone off to an ashram in protest. Oh and the janitor found your missing Mayan tile.”

Daniel sighed and sat back. “Oh, great. You know, it's funny how things just go on normally, no matter what happens.”

Jack nodded, exhaling a long drift of smoke that left a smile on his face. “Yep. That's the world for you, Daniel.”

Daniel frowned as the cigarette was replaced in its cherished place between Jack's lips, idly hanging while Jack sat there with a smirk. “This smoking thing really works for you, doesn't it?”

Jack let his eyes roll back as he nodded and gave a satisfied moan.

“What if Janet hates it?”

Jack frowned, pursing his mouth around the cigarette. “Hmm?”

*

Daniel opened the door to his apartment with a relieved sigh and walked in, Jack switching on the lights and closing the door.

“Look, I know Janet said to keep an eye on me, but you can go home. You don't have to babysit me,” Daniel said, taking off his jacket and hanging it up.

Jack walked around him with a smile, placing a hand on Daniel's shoulder. “It's okay. I want to.”

Daniel sagged under Jack's hand. “Jack, I'm not letting you smoke here.”

Jack's hand fell away and he rolled his eyes. “What if I crack open a window?”

“No, forget it,” Daniel said, falling on the couch with a thump. He ended up snickering a little. “You deserve this.”

Jack fell on the spot next to Daniel. “Fine, I won't smoke.”

Daniel turned to smile at Jack. “Seriously, go home. I'm okay.”

Jack gave a slow nod. “Or...”

“Or?” Daniel asked.

“Or we could watch that movie I hate,” Jack said. “And you could let me smoke one cigarette.”

Daniel stared in awe. “You would watch that for me?”

Jack sighed and made a face. “Frasier would never let me smoke in bed.”

Twenty minutes later, they weren't exactly in bed, but they made themselves comfortable on Daniel's couch, both men sprawled back, Daniel with both feet on the coffee table, beer in hand, Jack with a cigarette lazily hanging from his mouth.

“This isn't going to be a regular thing is it?” Daniel asked. “The smoking.”

“Stress,” Jack murmured. “It is not every day one sees one's best friend turn into a lady person.”

“Lady person,” Daniel snorted. He pointed at the TV. “I love this part.”

Jack watched the scene through slitted eyes, a man riding a camel in the deep desert, under the bright blue watchful eyes of another. Daniel actually sighed. Jack said, “This movie. I blame this movie for everything.”

Daniel looked at him. “What?”

“This movie has warped you,” Jack said.

“It has not,” Daniel protested.

“This movie is the reason you married that idiot on Abydos. You thought he was your Omar Sharif and he turned out be the camel,” Jack said before snorting at his own joke.

Daniel blinked at Jack. “It wasn't all bad. Sarek had some good points.” Jack stared. “They're just... really well hidden,” Daniel said. Then he sat back and sighed. “He was nice.”

Jack patted Daniel's thigh. “So was his camel.”

Daniel smiled a little. “I used to think Steven was nice.”

“Rayner?” Jack said, mouth hanging open, cigarette stuck to his lip. “But he's such a goober.”

Daniel nodded. “I guess I'm not very good at this. It's why I waited around for you. Let Paul slip through my fingers.”

Jack sighed. “I'd stop being straight if I could.”

Daniel frowned at Jack. “Really?”

Jack arched a brow and said, “No. I like women. They're hot. They're really really hot. With the breasts. And the... the everything, really.”

“Did you think I was hot?” Daniel asked.

Jack looked at him for the longest time and then said, “You're missing the movie.”

*

“It is called a supermarket,” Teal'c said, keeping his eyes peeled for Sheena.

Jonas stepped in front and nodded. “Yes. We have them on Kelowna. Though, on Kelowna, it's a lot easier to leave a super market without buying anything.”

Teal'c grimaced. “Indeed.”

“Still, it's very interesting to see how people of another world buy their groceries,” Jonas said, looking incredibly excited. “Hello, friend,” he said to a passing woman who called him a freak. “Remarkable,” he said with a smile.

“Indeed,” Teal'c said, pulling Jonas along until they were in front of the cheese counter. “You may wish to try some samples,” he said, knowing many people were easily stranded at this counter by the pure power of cheese.

“You know, we have a similar thing on Kelowna, but it's not actually legal,” Jonas whispered.

Teal'c nodded. “You are on Earth now. You may consume as much cheese as you wish. I have O'Neill's credit card.”

Jonas grinned. “Amazing.”

Teal'c left Jonas tasting cheese samples, knowing he would be fine since it was the flirtatious cheese man behind the counter today. It was foolish to think that Sheena would simply be here, but sometimes the longing of a heart was enough to bring forth that which it most desired.

“Hey. Murray, right?”

Teal'c turned around and saw her, big grin on her face and a jar of peanut butter and chocolate in her hand. Truly, it was a sign.

“Sheena,” Teal'c said. “What fortuitous circumstances.”

Sheena nodded. “I know. I was all up for an early night and then I started feeling like a snack and there was nothing nice to eat and I thought, you know what, I don't care, I'm going late night snack shopping. Then I saw you. What are the odds?” She was left flushed pink and a little coy.

Teal'c could muster no more than an, “Indeed.”

“So... you here with your boyfriend?” she asked, looking apprehensive.

Teal'c stilled. This was a most difficult situation. To let her believe her he was with Jack or-- “He is not my boy friend. In fact, we are just friends.”

Teal'c frowned. Maybe it wasn't that difficult after all.

Sheena looked confused. “Oh. It's just that... he seemed kind of clingy.”

“My friend has many problems,” Teal'c said. Then he straightened up and said, “And I am more partial to the company of women.”

Sheena smiled widely. “Oh.”

“I would very much like to buy you dinner,” Teal'c said. “If that would be acceptable.”

Sheena was grinning. “Acceptable? I'd say it's pretty acceptable.”

Teal'c smiled. In the distance Jonas was looking blissful eating cheese, Daniel Jackson was once again himself and Sheena was smiling bright like the sun at Teal'c. All about the universe seemed to be moving in the right direction.

*

Rodney sighed with relief as he got into the elevator. He hated crowed elevators. An empty elevator was a happy elevator. Smiling and leaning against the wall he sighed. Of course, then someone yelled, “Hold it!” and the doors were opening again.

Rodney deflated as a man walked in, shouting thanks to someone outside. He walked in to stand next to Rodney, his hair artfully messed, his hazel eyes looking a little tired and his arm in a signature covered cast.

The man turned and looked at him, frowning. “You look new.”

“Flew in from Siberia. Flying back out,” Rodney said with a nod and smile. “What happened to your arm?”

The other man frowned at his arm. “My C.O shot me.”

Rodney gave an understanding nod. “You must be from SG-15.”

“John Sheppard,” John said with a nod. “How'd you guess?”

Rodney tried to find the most delicate way to say 'everyone knows about your crazy-assed team'. “You guys are pretty popular around here.” He extended his hand. “Rodney McKay.”

John shook his hand. “Hey. So, what do you do?”

“Theoretical astrophysics and general giant leaps of thought on a regular basis,” Rodney said happily.

John was nodding, looking impressed. “Cool. We're kind of one astrophysicist short right now. I'll be sure to recommend you for the spot. They always listen to the guy that just got shot.”

Rodney stared. “What? No, there's no need for that. I'm not looking for a job. I have to go back to Siberia. Siberia needs me.”

John smiled and gave him a pat on the shoulder. “It's no trouble. I'm sure you'll love it here and I know Dixon's dying to meet you. Especially after talking to Major Carter.”

“What?” Rodney said.

John nodded. “Sure. She said something about you doing stellar work and wanting to keep you. It's why I got in the elevator,” he said with a smirk.

Rodney sighed. “I hate that woman.”

*

Paul put the last of his papers in his briefcase, glad to get out of his temporarily assigned office which he co-habited with head chef Marlene. She was nice. All about gift-giving with muffins. Paul opened his desk drawer and took out a muffin too.

He was half way down the corridor when a rather smug man walked around the corner and came to a stop in front of Paul, hands in pockets, a look of recognition on his face.

“Major Davis,” he said smoothly. Paul nodded and the man added, “Doctor Steven Rayner. Potential head of the cultural department at the SGC.”

Paul frowned. “I thought were just here to implement a few changes.”

Rayner smiled. “Well, after the CD realize that Daniel Jackson is quite liability, I think they may find a more permanent role. Especially with this recent fiasco.”

Paul stared at the other man. “You're the one who called the Octagon.”

Rayner looked rather smug. “Well, my instructions were to find anything that highlight's Daniel's incompetence and unsuitability in his current role. I'd say accidentally turning into a woman isn't exactly stellar work.”

Paul gave a slow nod. “Right. Why are you telling me all this?”

Rayner looked looked around discreetly. “Because it would only take one word from you to General Crane to get Daniel out of here for good. Your uncle is a very close friend of Doctor Antwerp, the head of the funding committee and further more, he's very upset about what he's heard about your treatment at Daniel's hands. As you must already know,” he said, too conspiratorially for Paul's liking.

“Right. Enough to get Antwerp to impose all the new restrictions on the CD and bring you in.”

Steven shrugged. “Like you don't know.”

Paul smiled tightly. “It's great having family in high places.”

Steven looked pleased. “I'll say.”

Paul squeezed Steven's arm. “You know what, I think I will be giving my uncle a small nudge when I get home.”

Steven looked down at the hand on his arm and then at Paul. “And I think you and I are going to get on much better than you and Daniel ever did, Major.”

Paul smiled, happy in the certainty that in the morning, Rayner would not be in charge of anything other than his own sorry ass.

*

Sam was perched on her bike, fiddling with the strap on her glove when Svetlana turned up. She saw Sam and the bike and stopped, staring at Sam first and then the bike. Sam hopped down, picking up a helmet from the handlebars and holding it out. Svetlana looked at the helmet and then Sam.

“Or we could take a cab if you like,” Sam said with a shrug. “I don't really mind.”

Svetlana took the helmet, stepping towards the bike. Sam watched her lay a hand on the seat, stroking it ever so slowly before caressing the handlebars. She held the helmet with both hands, studying it carefully before eying Sam and saying in a rather husky voice, “I would like to ride your bike very much.”

Sam swallowed. Lacking words or present use of her vocal chords, she nodded and stuck her helmet on her head.

*

“Is forty dollars a lot for cheese?” Jonas asked as they walked into the parking lot.

Teal'c thought about it. “Perhaps. I am sure O'Neill will not mind.” Or remember, Teal'c thought.

“So, who was that woman you were talking to?” Jonas asked.

Teal'c stopped and turned towards Jonas. He thought about it carefully. “A secret.”

Jonas's eyes went a little wide. “A secret?”

“Indeed. O'Neill would not be pleased to find out about any relations I might have with Earth women,” Teal'c said.

Jonas gave a nod. “You guys have a pretty complex relationship.”

“It was not always so,” Teal'c lamented.

They proceeded to the car, opening the doors and just about to climb in when a terrified shriek filled their ears. Both men jumped out of the car and looked into the darkened parking lot, fresh snow falling in flurries. There was another scream.

Teal'c ran around the car and towards the sound of the second scream. It came from around the corner of the store, near the dumpsters and a back entrance. Teal'c could make out a dark figure holding something that was keeping another figure prone against the wall. Just he got close enough to shout a warning, he heard windy noise above him, the sky momentarily darker.

Then he witnessed a third figure landing from above the attacker. The attacker was dealt with in three quick easy blows, punch, elbow and knee. He landed with a thump. The mysterious figure picked up something from the floor and handed it to the victim, motioning for her to run.

Teal'c stepped into the small alley space as the saved woman ran past him and her savior grabbed the attacker by the scruff of the neck, telling him, “You're going to the police, scumbag.”

Teal'c could have gasped if did such embarrassing things. He knew that voice. Stepping close enough to see a tall figure with a lean body outlined by a fitting one piece black suit and boots, he said, “Sheena.”

She dropped the dazed scumbag on the floor and turned towards Teal'c and under the dim light of one lamp, Teal'c saw long flowing black hair and a dark mask that covered bright blue eyes, a pursed crimson mouth underneath. “Murray,” she said in a whisper.

“I do not understand,” Teal'c said with a frown, while the fallen man between them groaned in pain.

Sheena stepped over him and spoke to Teal'c in a voice firmer and harder than he had heard from her. “How did you know it was me?”

Teal'c wanted to point out that a mask hid very little, but he opted for, “I am not like other men.”

She gave a nod. “I guessed that much the first time I saw you. I hope we can still have dinner, Murray. There's just some things about me... things I can't tell you yet. But maybe one day. If we make it that far.”

Teal'c smiled. “There is much we all hide about ourselves. Would tomorrow be suitable? For dinner, not for secrets.”

Sheena smiled a rather pouty smile. “Pick me up at seven.”

Teal'c bowed his head as Sheena reached down and grabbed the fallen man before reaching upwards. He heard a mechanical whir and suddenly she was flying away with her prisoner screaming for his life. It was the most romantic moment of Teal'c's life.

“Is that woman flying?” Jonas asked, coming to a stop at Teal'c's side, pointing at the sky.

Teal'c thought about the situation and turned to face Jonas, arching a brow. “Jonas Quinn. You saw no woman here.”

Jonas frowned. “I didn't?”

Teal'c nodded. “You did not.”

“Is that another one of our secrets?”

“Indeed,” Teal'c said.

Jonas seemed to think it over. “Can I buy more cheese?”

Teal'c thought this over. “I see no reason why not.”

*

Sam cracked open an eye, dopey smile on her face as she saw the brightness behind the drapes covering the window. She pulled her pillow closer, hugging it and moving a little further under the covers, shivering at the thought of the snow outside.

“Cold?” Svetlana whispered in her ear, moving closer, her warm hand rubbing a circle on Sam's stomach.

Sam may have purred. She wasn't going to admit to herself though. “A little.”

“Hmm,” Svetlana said, before the stroking became a tickle that made Sam lunge up, grabbing the other woman and turning her attention to a kiss.

*

Daniel was having a good morning. A lot of it had to do with once again having the use of his penis, but some of it had to do with spending half a night hanging out with his best friend. Even if he momentarily came with cigarette smoke. Not that it would be problem for much longer since he had called up Janet and made her aware of where Jack O'Neill might just keep a supply of his newfound old vice.

Daniel was even prepared to go into work and put up with Steven Rayner being an asshole. Only when he turned up, the corridors of his department once again smelled like good coffee, artwork back on the walls and the warm touch of working heating. Best of all, the door to Steven Rayner's office now read 'space for rent' in Jack's handwriting.

Daniel stared, dialing his cellphone and immediately asking, “Did you do this?”

Jack yawned and answered. “Nope. I just showed up to throw my weight around.”

“Then how?” Daniel asked.

“Ask Major Davis,” Jack said. “Looks like he knows a lot of people in high places.”

Daniel clicked the phone shut, heading to his office, planning on tracking down Paul and asking him why he had to be so wonderful and inaccessible and why Daniel had no time machine to go back to stop himself from screwing up. There wasn't much tracking down needed. Paul was sitting on the couch, looking very... well, Paul.

“Hey,” Daniel said.

Paul smiled, looking a little tired, but still Paulishly wonderful. “Hey.”

Daniel smiled, still a little stunned. “What's going on?”

Paul took a deep breath and got up. “What's going on... is that I have worked out that there are three things I have to tell you before I head back to Washington today.”

Daniel nodded mutely as Paul walked over to him so they stood face to face.

“Okay,” he said. “Number one, my uncle caught wind of what happened between us and he exerted some influence over the funding committee, which is why Rayner was sent here.” Daniel opened his mouth to speak, but Paul held up a hand and continued. “I am sorry, very sorry. I had no idea. Apparently, SGC is good gossip. I called my uncle, yelled a lot, made him fix things. Made him fix things for the military side too. Now you all get expensive toilet paper.”

Daniel tried to hold back a smile, he really did, but he couldn't and he saw relief in Paul's eyes, a small smile appearing on his lips too.

“Two,” Daniel said.

“Two,” Paul repeated. “Luke and I aren't together. I let you believe it because it somehow seemed preferable to letting you put my heart through a blender, because, Daniel... you do. You really do. But... you and I weren't together when that whole Sarek thing happened and... I don't care. I don't care if you slept with him or everyone on Abydos. I just care about what happens next.”

Daniel nodded slowly, his throat feeling tight. “Three.”

“Three.” Paul gave a nod. He opened his mouth to say something, he seemed to have trouble saying the words, so Daniel stepped forward and kissed him, crushing his mouth against Paul's, staying pressed against him until Paul's arm's were around him and his stubborn mouth was softening and inviting more.

When they broke apart, Paul nodded and said, “That pretty much sums up three.”

Daniel gave him a small smile. “And now you go back to Washington.”

Paul smiled back. “Well, apparently they only send me here to deliver unwelcome news.”

“It's the best thing about bad news from Washington,” Daniel said.

Paul laughed. “Was that a line? That sounded like a line.”

Daniel smiled. “Did it work?”

Paul reached up to straighten Daniel's collar, smoothing it down and brushing his thumb down Daniel's jaw. He made a disgruntled face. “Sadly, always.”

Daniel took Paul's hand, bringing it down, looking at how right it looked in his. “You have to go straight away?”

Paul shook his head. “Tonight. I still have some paperwork to finish.”

Daniel nodded. “Well, so we have some time.”

Paul frowned. “For what?”

Daniel pulled Paul along until they were near the door, which he proceeded to shut before leaning against it and dragging Paul into another kiss.

*

“Great, he's only lived here one day and we've already killed him,” Jack said, watching Jonas lying curled up in bed and slightly green. “How the hell can someone get poisoned by cheese? And where the hell did he get all that cheese?”

Jack wasn't sure, but Teal'c may have discreetly shifted his gaze elsewhere as Janet stroked Jonas's hair back from his forehead, an affectionate look on her face.

“What a silly way to die,” she said with a sigh.

“This place is getting nuts,” Jack complained.

“And warmer, it appears,” Teal'c said. “Not that I am partial to particular temperatures.”

Jack narrowed his eyes at the super Jaffa. “Yeah, well, looks like the wallets have decided we can have all our little luxuries. Someone got to the president and told her what was going on and she wasn't very happy. I got a fruit basket this morning.”

“Can we keep the torches? They look good,” Janet said.

“On account of them being fire hazards, no,” Jack said.

Janet nodded. “But you're the only one that actually caused any fires.”

“Well, then, I'm putting my safety ahead of everyone else,” Jack said with a nod, just as Jonas groaned a little more. Jack patted his arm. “Yep. Welcome to Earth.”

Jonas groaned a little louder and Janet glared at Jack. He decided that was his cue to leave.

Out in the corridor Jack said, “So, Frasier found all my cigarettes. Don't know how she found them all so quick. You know, especially since they were hidden in your quarters.” Teal'c smiled happily. “Yeah, brothers my ass.”

“I am simply concerned for your welfare,” Teal'c added with a weary sigh, “Also, Doctor Frasier can be very persuasive.”

Jack tried to appeal to Teal'c's kinder nature all the way to the commissary, explaining how cigarette smoking was cool and made him look good and therefore enough reason for Teal'c to help him.

Teal'c smiled and planted his tray on the table, Jack sitting down opposite him. “I would help you, O'Neill, but I fear Doctor Frasier is not only more persuasive, but a lot more formidable.”

“You used to be a First Prime,” Jack said, staring.

Teal's sighed. “Indeed.”

Jack shook his head and picked up a paper someone had left behind, glancing at the headline. “Huh. Colorado Vigilante might have an accomplice.” He looked at Teal'c to see his hand frozen on the way to his mouth, grape held in place. Ignoring it he read on, “But no one's gotten a look at him yet.” Jack put the paper down and saw Teal'c looking all too relaxed and happily eating. Jack frowned. “What's with you? You've been weird all morning.”

Teal'c arched a brow thoughtfully. “Cheese, O'Neill.”

Jack smiled and nodded. “Smartass, huh. Suits you. Can't wait to see it bite you on the ass.”

“Who's biting what on the ass?” Carter asked, pulling up a seat next to Teal'c, her tray loaded with Fruit Loops, a muffin, toast, coffee, juice. A Pop Tart? She noticed Jack's staring and shrugged. “What? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

Teal'c was watching too, only he seemed to straighten up and sit back, commenting as Carter dug into her Fruit Loops. “Major Carter, you appear to possess a very healthy glow.”

Carter's mouth hovered over her spoon before she nodded and smiled. “Early morning exercise.”

Teal'c arched a brow and said, “Indeed.”

Carter seemed to glow pink for a moment. She looked at Jack and said, “I was thinking, can Markov hang around a little longer? I could do with her input on some stuff.”

Jack made a face. “I'll have to ask the boss.” He pretended to think for a minute. “He says, yes.”

Carter grinned, turning to Teal'c who smiled at her with pre-raised eyebrow. Carter's smile vanished and she looked away, looking guilty, as if she'd stolen a bunker of plutonium. Jack wondered exactly how much radioactive material Carter did keep in her basement. There had to be at least enough to power a giant toaster.

“Hey, did you hear the Colorado Vigilante has a sidekick?” Daniel asked, sitting down next to Jack, his tray similarly loaded like Carters, but sans muffin.

Carter snorted. “It's not true. The papers are making it up to sell stories.”

“Don't be so skeptical,” Daniel said. “The SGC can't be the only group of people saving the world.”

“I dunno, I like it that way,” Jack said. “Makes me feel all special inside.”

Carter grinned, while Teal'c looked amused at her side. Daniel showed his appreciation for good humor by asking, “Jack, you couldn't get Paul to hang around a little longer, could you? It's just that, it looks like we've worked some stuff out and now he has to go back.”

Jack sighed. “Daniel, I can't keep him here just because you want him here. This is the SGC. Not a soap opera.”

Daniel looked a little disappointed. “What if I give you this muffin?”

Carter objected. “Hey, that's mine.”

“Done,” Jack said, taking the muffin as Daniel smiled victorious and Teal'c stole the muffin from Jack's tray. “Hey!”

“I believe you still owe me one muffin from some days ago, O'Neill,” Teal'c said, as Carter grabbed it from Teal'c's hand and took a huge bite immediately.

Teal'c smiled as she said, “No one takes my muffin.”

Jack looked at Daniel, who instantly said, “You can't take it back. You said 'done'.”

He sighed and leaned back in his chair, noting his smug companions. He eyed a passing SF, proceeding to steal a muffin from his tray without him noticing.

Jack took a bite and gave his friends a nod. “When you're boss, it's muffins all the way."

- the end -