dumauriergate

It was a windy day and Jack O'Neill de Winter stood on a precipice, looking wistfully at a sad sunset. He was sad and his face showed this. He wondered if he should buy some puppies to enrich his sad, lonely life. Or maybe that money would be better spent on prostitutes since he didn't really want to have sex with puppies. And he had enough beagles as it was.

Jack looked down at the crashing waves and thought of that Old Spice commerical.

"No! Wait!" A voice called out.

Jack turned to see a pretty young man staring at him, all worried and stuff.

"What's wrong with you?" Jack asked.

"Um... I... uh," he replied all flustered. Jack decided this was the prettiest man ever and he wanted to see him in a thong. Holding a beagle.

"I thought..." the man was flustered.

"What? You thought I was going to jump? Stupid boy," Jack said tersely.

The man's eyes seemed to brim with womanly tears. "I'm sorry, I..."

Jack sighed. "Don't be stupid. There's no need to cry. What are you doing out here anyway?"

"I heard this was an interesting place for cruising."

"Well you shouldn't be out here, all alone where you might get done over by some big brute. Let me drive you home."

The man smiled shyly and let Jack drive him to the hotel where he was staying.

Over the next few days Jack met his young friend several times. They played tennis and went out sketching. Jack also found out that his companion was in the employ of a mean bloke called Anon Kelownan. Kelownan was happy to meet the impressive and rich Jack O'Neill de Winter, but he was less thrilled to find out Jack was more interested in his young employee. Regardless, Jack spent all his spare time with Kelownan's beautiful young assistant.

One day, as Jack emerged from his ablutions, his young friend was pacing the hotel room, wringing his hands with anguish and sorrow filling his beautiful eyes.

"What is it?" Jack asked as he sat down at the table to his pre-ordered breakfast.

"I... I have to go," the young man said.

"Go? Go where?" Jack asked.

"Anon. He's leaving for Germany and he wants me to go with him. Right away," was the frantic reply.

Jack nodded. "Are you going?"

The young man looked torn. "What choice do I have? I have no family and no money. What can I do?"

"What do you want to do?" Jack said as he calmly sipped a cup of tea.

The young man looked at him, his beautiful eyes hungry. "I... I want to stay."

"Then stay," Jack said with a smirk.

"How?" was the anguished reply.

"I want you to marry me you little fool," Jack said calmly.

The young man stared back in disbelief. He stood speechless, his face glowing.

"Well? What do you say?" Jack asked.

The young man nodded. "Yes. I say yes."

Jack nodded with a smile. "Good. That's settled then. Now sit down and butter me some toast."

Kelownan was pissed off of course that he had lost a fine assistant. He had stormed off most angrily. But his assistant didn't care. He was in love and about to be married to a wonderful man.

And marry they did. After a short honeymoon, the newlyweds headed back home to Jack's family home; Fandomly.

It was a huge mansion, dark and foreboding as they drove down the English country lane to the house. On the way there they made googly eyes at each other.

On entering the house, that was when the young Mr. O'Neill de Winter suddenly realised how small he was in comparison to Jack's life. Jack had a big mansion and money. He had already been married once.

First they greeted by Teal'c, Jack's close friend and business partner. They gave each other a warm handshake and many an eye-fuck. As Jack entered the house with his new groom, they were watched by the servants. Silently they bowed their heads as they met their master's young husband. They all seemed fine, a little quiet perhaps. But it was the woman standing on the stairs that caught the young Mr. de Winter's eyes. She was tall, her hair blonde and her eyes blue. She wore a long black dress and the set of her mouth was serious. She was staring straight at the new addition to the household.

"Welcome to Fandomly," she said in a low voice.

The young man replied timidly to the woman who straight away looked like a bitch.

Jack was smiling at her and no doubt had no idea this woman was a bitch probably plotting to break up the new relationship.

"This is Samantha," Jack said. "She looks after everything."

Samantha smiled. "I think you're being too generous, Sir."

Jack smiled amiably, unknowing that his partner was afraid.

The days passed slowly after that. Jack was always away on 'business' and his young groom was becoming lonely and horny. He would have provided himself hand relief if it wasn't for the fact that Samantha would probably be checking the laundry for their clothes and sheets. She was obviously evil.

The young master of the house tried to avoid Samantha at all costs. But she seemed to be everywhere, always dropping anecdotes about the beautiful Daniel O'Neill de Winter. He suddenly wished he could be back with Jack on their honeymoon. He could never compete with the memory of Jack's dead husband.

One evening, he dressed in a new designer suit. Walking into the study, he crept up on Jack. Jack turned around and stared.

"What's all this?" his question seemed harsh.

"Well, I... uh, I just wanted to please you. I thought you might like this," Jack's young man said.

Jack laughed indulgently. "I like you because you're a little silly. You're beautiful as you are. You don't need all this. Now take those clothes off and let's do it on my expensive antique ink blotter."

And they did. Many times.

Jack's young man was beginning to feel more and more at home. The only thing that annoyed him now was Samantha's constant hovering and long line of Daniel stories.

One day, the young man decided to go for a walk on the beach and looked wistfully at the waves. There, he was met by Teal'c who enquired after his well being. They engaged in chit chat and Jack's young twinky tried to ignore the bulge of muscle under Teal'c's shirt.

"Mr. Teal'c, I hope you won't think me morbid, but I was wondering..."

"How Daniel de Winter died?" Teal'c asked.

"Yes. I hope you don't think bad of me."

"No, I do not. It is a mysterious set of affairs. I heard that he took his boat out to sea and fell overboard. The boat was lost and his body was found after many weeks. It was a sad set of affairs."

The young man sighed, feeling sorry for Jack who had to identify the body of his beloved. He also felt a little happy at the thought of Daniel, Mr. Bloody Perfect, falling out of a boat. Hee!

But, while there, he felt as though he was being watched by some blonde evil bitch. He looked up and back at Fandomly. There at the window stood Samantha.

When he arrived back at the house, he could hear voices. Samantha was talking to some man and they were both talking about him. The door to the drawing room opened and the man stepped in, closing it behind him as though hiding. He turned and saw the new de Winter, staring back at him confusion.

"Ah, you must be Jack's new twinky and here I was hiding from you," the young attractive man said.

"Who are you?"

"Paul Davis," the man said with a smirk. "Let's say, a distant cousin of Daniel's."

Young de Winter nodded, not knowing if he could trust the man.

"Look, I'm not really supposed to be here. Old Jack doesn't really like me much. I'd appreciate it if he didn't find out I was here. Just thought I'd pop by to say hello to old Sammy. Pleased to meet you by the way. You're definitely not what I expected."

Young de Winter frowned. "And what did you expect Mr. Davis?"

Davis leered and then smiled. "Not this. I'll be seeing you."

The man left, through the window of all places. Maybe that was his usual style of leaving the house. Jack's young groom decided he wouldn't tell him of Davis' little visit. Not until he knew more about it.

It was then that he also decided to check out Daniel's locked up room. It was beautiful; all silk and satin like a harem. Many an orgy could have happened there. He walked around, feeling the silks and unhappily imagining Jack and Daniel together, doing it all night long.

"Beautiful isn't it?" Samantha's voice awoke him from his misery.

He smiled at Samantha timidly. "Yes. It is."

"He liked pretty things. He was so beautiful himself. You're pretty too, but not like him. Nobody could be," Samantha said slowly, her eyes cold and hard.

"Maybe I should leave."

Samantha took his hand and led him to the dresser, where she pushed him to sit down. Picking up a brush, Samantha brushed his hair.

"I used to brush his hair like this and he would talk to me for hours, about his day. He told me everything. Everything. Then one day they said he'd had an accident. But I didn't believe it. I still don't. What do you think?"

The young de Winter stood up and stepped away from Samantha. "I have to go now."

Under Samantha's evil eyes, he stumbled back out of the room and went to hide in Jack's study for a while. The spectre of Daniel was everywhere, his memory filling the house with cold. Samantha's resentment was apparent and ugly. She was a reminder of the perfect love of Jack and Daniel. Now that Daniel was dead, it seemed Fandomly was a grave and Samantha its ghost.

The young de Winter felt angry then. He phoned for Samantha to come to the study. As he waited for her, he emptied out the desk drawers of postcards and letters that still had the name Daniel imprinted on them, the D large and curving, eclipsing all other letters.

Samantha arrived and gave a chilly smile and bow of the head. "You have instructions for me?"

The young de Winter tried not to wibble. "We're going to party like it's twenty-nine ninety-nine. And we're going to throw this crap out."

Samantha bristled, her eyes icy. "But this belongs to Mr. de Winter."

"I'm Mr. de Winter now. Not Daniel. I think you ought to remember that."

Samantha gave a tight smile and left. The young de Winter wondered if he had really heard Samantha call him a guber or if he was just hearing things.

Jack was less than impressed with the news of a party, but he gave way just to see the happy smile on his woobie's face. The woobie threw himself into the preparations for the party. It would be a great big costume party and no one would ever think of Daniel again. Ha! Take that space monkey!

The big surprise was that Samantha suddenly seemed more amiable, helping out in the preparations for the party. One day, as the young de Winter was brooding on the stairs, she sidled up to him and asked what the matter was.

He replied that he still had no costume for the party. Samantha then looked up at portrait hanging at the top of the stairs; a stunning man with with blue cornflower eyes, looking down at them in his regal clothes. Something an overblown sci-fi bad guy might have worn. But he looked hot. Very hot.

"It's Mr. de Winter's favorite painting," Samantha said.

So he prepared to stun Jack on the night, wearing this brilliant dramatic costume.

The party was in full swing as he descended the stairs. Jack's back was to him as he spoke to Teal'c. He came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. Teal'c saw him first and stared. Jack turned around and his face looked horrified.

"What the devil do you think you're doing?" he asked.

His young groom stood speechless in the face of Jack's anger. "I saw the picture and I thought..."

There was a long silence as Jack simmered in anger.

"What is it? What have I done?"

"Take it off," Jack said angrily. "Change. Now."

Eyes filled with girly tears, he ran up the stairs and into his room, flinging himself onto the bed and unable to understand why Jack was angry.

He wouldn't leave his room the next day, too afraid to face Jack. There was a knock at the door next morning and Teal'c walked in.

"de Winter is most worried about you," he said kindly.

"I don't know what I did wrong. He hates me, doesn't he?"

"He does not. However your choice of attire has left us all bewildered."

"It was the painting. I copied the painting," young de Winter said miserably.

"That is a painting of Daniel de Winter. It is the costume he wore last year. For a moment we thought it was him."

"I should have known," de Winter said unhappily. "Just leave me alone."

Teal'c left the young man to sulk for a while. A day later he came down and faced people, though Jack was never in sight. He went back to Daniel's harem styled room. He could almost hear Daniel and Jack's laughter and loud thumping lovemaking. It was overwhelming. Suddenly, working for Anon Kelownan looked like a picnic.

"I knew you'd come back," Samantha's voice broke the silence of the room. "Couldn't resist it could you?"

"What do you want from me?" the young man wibbled.

"You. You should never have come here. You don't belong here. Daniel should be here. Only he should be with Jack."

The young man covered his ears with his hands and closed his eyes. "La la la, I'm not listening, you crazy bitch."

Samantha's unusually manly hands forced the young man's hands away. She shook him hard. "You don't want to be here. Why don't you just leave?"

Samantha grabbed the young frail man and dragged him to the window, pushing it open. "Look. Look at the nice waves. Go on, go find Nemo."

"No, no! They found Nemo!" the man cried.

"Man ahoy!" some man yelled from the beach below.

Samantha was pushed aside by the young man as he ran from the room like the coward he was known as by all the residents of Fandomly.

He ran from the house and towards the cries where he found Teal'c looking perplexed.

"What's happened? Where's Jack? Is he okay?"

Teal'c held the young trembling man gently. "He is here. They have just found the remains of a shipwrecked boat."

"My god. The boat?"

"It seems so."

After searching for much of the next hour, the woobie finally found Jack hidden away in a boat shed, all sulky and stuff.

"Talk to me, Jack," he said.

But Jack seemed defeated. He sighed moodily and looked away from his woobie. "I was a fool to think we could work. A fool to think I could pretend this was all behind us."

The young woobie gulped. So this was it. Jack had been broken by the ghost of Daniel. Was it over? Was this the end? Please?

"No!" the woobie said dramatically. "It doesn't matter what you think, because I don't want it to be the end. Whatever it is, we can work it out, damn it! Daniel's gone. I'm here. And I heart you! I know you loved Daniel and you haven't forgotten him, but we have to move past. We have to."

Jack stared at the young de Winter for a moment and his groom was afraid that Jack would strike him.

"Loved him? Loved him? I hated him!" Jack said angrily.

The woobie stared. What the fuck?

"Oh we were happy once. We had sex all over the place. But I wasn't enough for him, no. I know while I was away he was here with that Davis fellow. I know Daniel was a filthy little mink. I know he was seeing some Oma person. He came here one night and I told him I'd have none of it. We had a furious fight. He tripped and fell, cracked open his head on the dildo box. So I put him on his boat and sent it out with drilled holes. It sank. A few weeks later the body of some unfortunate soul washed up on the shore and I identified it as Daniel. I thought that was end of the matter. But it's not. Now tell me. Do you still heart me? Do you?"

The woobie stared and it looked as though perhaps he was looking for the best escape route out of the shed. Suddenly he lunged at Jack and hugged him tight. "Oh, my darling. I don't care about all that. All I know is I love you and I'm with you forever. Near, far, wherever you are, my heart will go on."

Jack frowned. "You love me? What a terrible man I am, taking a innocent flower like you and ruining it all. But it's too late. They found the boat and the body. It's him."

It was a terrible and stormy night and somewhere in the background, Samantha was surely cackling her arse off. Jack went to identify Daniel's body. There were more barnacles and seaweed, but sure enough, it was Daniel. A new enquiry would be opened to determine the cause of death.

Because it was terribly boring an enquiry to write about, it was blissfully short and the verdict was suicide. Apparently, Daniel had been told of many writings around Fandomly that involved him and baby blue flannel items of clothing. It was too much for him and he decided to end it all by provoking Jack to try and kill him.

On hearing the verdict, Davis immediately phoned Samantha. She couldn't believe it. Jack and his little twinky would return to Fandomly and live happily every after. She couldn't let it happen. Not ever.

Jack and the woobie drove home.

"Thank god it's all over darling," the woobie spake, "we can start afresh. Anew."

Jack smiled and nodded. "Yes. Yes darling. My love, my heart."

They kept driving. Then Jack suddenly stopped the car. "Y'know, it occurs to me that you and I have never been too welcome at Fandomly. Maybe we ought to go back to where we met."

"The gay cowboy rodeo show?"

"The one," Jack said happily.

They kissed. They made out on the front seat of the car. Over and over and forever and ever and happily.

The car turned about and left fandomly behind as Samantha watched from the window. "NO!!!! With Daniel dead, Jack should only be mine! Mine I tellsya! It's canon! IT'S. CANON!!!"

Samantha screamed like a banshee as she lifted up a nearby candlestick. Holding it to a curtain she watched the flames shoot up and around her. She laughed with evil in her eyes as Fandomly went up in flames.

- the end -

Or... is it? 0_0