sg-1 for dummies

“You have got to be kidding me,” Cameron said, more horrified than the time he woke up wearing nothing more than a toga and a sock, none of which covered his feet.

Daniel blinked. “No. No no. Not kidding.”

Cameron stared at Daniel and then turned towards Teal'c and Sam. “Please, tell me he's kidding.”

Sam looked away, a blush creeping up on her cheeks. Teal'c simply smiled, his chin tilting up slightly.

“I believe Daniel Jackson is being completely serious, Colonel Mitchell,” he said, looking too damn amused.

Cameron watched his team before smiling. He pointed at them and started to laugh as he nodded. “Okay, I get what you're doing. This is like a prank. An initiation thing. Scaring the new guy, right? Yeah. Very funny.”

Daniel cleared his throat, closing his eyes briefly before he shared a look with his team mates. “Um...”

“You're not kidding, are you?”

“No,” Daniel said once again, a little more emphatically this time. “I'm not.”

Cameron slowly turned to look at Teal'c and Sam, just staring at them in the dim light of the tent. As his eyes turned back to Daniel, the bed at the other side of the tent caught his attention, a low silk covered mattress heaped with silky cushions, straight out of Harem's 'R' Us.

“Damn,” he whispered. “You're really not kidding.”

Daniel sighed and looked at Sam and Teal'c. “You win the bet. It took him way longer to catch on than I thought it would.”

Cameron ignored the remark and pushed past Daniel, staring at the silky mound of silkiness that was just way too damn silky for his liking. He turned swiftly to stare at his team. “I don't get it.”

Daniel frowned. His brows knit together tightly as he asked, “You don't get it? It's pretty simple from where I'm standing.”

“Well, maybe you could stand a little closer to where I am,” Cameron said, stopping and rethinking his words. He held up a finger, silencing Daniel before he spoke. “Forget I said that last part and tell me why the hell the Beygaarans want us to give them colonel/doctor porn.”

Daniel sighed, and pointed at Cameron. “Fighter,” he said before pointing to himself and adding, “scholar. In their eyes it's the perfect union and to perform the ceremony is to share with them our trust and respect for each other.”

Cameron closed his eyes and shook his head. “Share our trust and respect? You know that's a crock, right? They're just looking for cheap porn, Jackson.”

“Thank you, I'll try not to be too insulted,” Daniel said with a smile.

“Hey,” Cameron said, showing Daniel his hand, a rigid wedge that he pointed at Teal'c. “Fighter.” He then pointed his hand at Sam. “Scholar.”

He gave Sam a longer look then, earning a suspicious one from her. “Actually, Sam's a scholar and a fighter.”

Sam's brows rose up, almost disappearing under her hair. “I really hope you're not suggesting what I think you are.”

Cameron frowned. “No! Maybe. No! I don't know. I'm not having sex with Jackson.”

“Would it help if I bought you a drink?” Daniel asked.

Cameron gave a tight smile. “Real funny, but once again, I have to ask, why me and you?”

Daniel shrugged. “You're the leader of the team.”

Cameron pointed to Sam and opened his mouth to speak when she cut him off and said, “Don't even try.”

“I would offer my services, but Daniel Jackson is the one they recognize as a scholar,” Teal'c said with a huge smile.

Cameron gave Teal'c a sulky look. “I take back all the nice stuff I said about you.”

Teal'c smiled and gave an elegant bow of the head.

Cameron sighed and shook his head. “I guess this answers the question of what's worse than having two broken legs.”

“Once again, thanks,” Daniel said.

“No offense, Jackson. I'm sure you're a catch and all, but you've got that little extra I'm not looking for,” Cameron said.

“Little extra?” Daniel asked with an arched eyebrow.

Sam seemed to choke under Teal'c's watchful and extremely amused gaze, much to Cameron's annoyance.

“Okay, that's it. Get out, both of you. And tell those perverts where going to give them their peep show.”

Sam barely hid her smiled as she left. Teal'c made no attempt to cover his amusement at all.

Cameron sighed, shaking his head and closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to think the situation through.

“Okay, Jackson,” he said turning around to find Daniel had discarded his jacket and was working his t-shirt free of his pants. “Woah! What are you doing?”

Daniel stopped tugging his t-shirt. “Uh...undressing?”

Cameron went back to staring since it worked best.

Daniel went back to frowning. “You have had sex before, right?”

“Uh yeah. Not with a guy!”

“Well, just pretend I'm a woman,” Daniel said with a shrug, like he did this every day. Cameron wondered exactly how often he had done this.

“Have you ever had sex before?”

“You know, the sooner we do this, the quicker we can go home,” Daniel reasoned.

Cameron nodded. “Right. Eyes on the prize. Okay, right. Let's do this.”

Cameron gave a hard nod and whipped off his jacket quickly, before he could change his mind and run out of the tent. He headed to the bed and then stopped, back to the staring in horror.

“There is not a chance in hell I am doing this,” he said.

“They have our weapons and enormous spears,” Daniel said before shoving Cameron from behind.

Cameron landed with a thud and turned onto his back, in time to see Daniel lie down next to him. Cameron gave him a cautious look and Daniel just rolled his eyes.

“Okay, now what?” Cameron asked.

Daniel licked his lips, swallowing, his face flushed a little. “Uh...”

Both men stared at each other for a second before they sat up and looked away at opposite corners of the tent.

“You'd think they'd at least give us some drugs or alcohol,” Cameron said.

“Because I'm that repulsive?” Daniel asked.

“That's not what I meant, Jackson,” Cameron said.

“Right.”

“I'm serious. You're...you're a real good looking guy. If I were a woman, I'd be into you, okay?” Cameron said as he made a face.

Daniel gave Cameron a careful and appraising look. “Really?”

“Sure. Why not?”

Daniel nodded. “Thanks. You know, you're very attractive too-”

“Will you cut it out?” Cameron snapped. “First this was just awkward. Now it's weird too.”

“I'm just trying to pay you a compliment,” Daniel said with a shrug.

Cameron sighed. “Okay, look. Let's get this over and done with. I'm thinking, tonsil hockey, hands in pants and good old military repress and deny.”

“They should put that in a greeting card,” Daniel said.

“Just, shut up and kiss me, Jackson,” Cameron said, turning towards Daniel.

Daniel nodded and began to move forward slowly. Cameron moved back a little. Daniel moved forward, Cameron inched back. Daniel moved forward. Cameron's hand slipped on the silk sheet and he landed on his back. Daniel's hand slipped on the silk sheet and he landed on Cameron, his chin hitting Cameron in the stomach and placing him between the other man's legs.

The tent opening split wide open, letting the light spill inside, Teal'c and Sam standing there with their weapons.

Cameron and Daniel flew apart from each other, jumping to their feet and simultaneously yelling, “We didn't do anything!”

“Oh,” Sam said, her expression innocent. “We could come back later, if you like.”

Cameron rolled his eyes. “Somebody want to tell me what the hell's going on?”

Teal'c smiled. “We have procured our weapons and convinced the Beygaarans that this is not our way.”

Cameron looked at Daniel. “Well, I'll be damned. Violence is the answer,”

Daniel smiled. “Yes. I stand corrected. Let's not give peace a chance.”

“Teal'c? Who's the man?” Cameron asked, pointing at Teal'c.

“I believe I am the man, Colonel Mitchell,” Teal'c said with a smile approaching a smirk.

Sam cleared her throat.

“As is Colonel Carter, of course,” Teal'c said with an amiable smile, getting one from Sam.

“Yes, you are,” Cameron said, happily putting his jacket back on. “Goddamn it, we're all the man. Not let's get the hell out of this place before we end up dancing naked with flowers in our hair.”

“Now you're just giving them ideas,” Sam said.

“You know, you could perhaps be less enthusiastic about showing everyone how great it is to not have sex with me,” Daniel said absently as he put his jacket back on.

“I'll buy you flowers. Let's go,” Cameron said, making his way out, like he couldn't leave quick enough, Teal'c at his side as Daniel followed with Sam, asking her, “You think I'm attractive, right?”

“So, what would you ordinarily do in a situation like this?”

“You mean besides panic?”

“Yes, besides that.”

“...”

“We're going to die, aren't we?”

“I don't want to lie to you, but that's a possibility, yes.”

Vala's whole face turned down, the mouth pouting, the forehead frowning; even the hair lost its bounce.

Sam offered a smile. “You know, on the other hand, this is also usually the time someone comes to the rescue, so, you know, not so much with the dying.”

Vala brightened slightly. “Really?”

Sam nodded and gave a shrug. “Sure. I mean, I've been doing this for about nine years. Still alive.”

“Yes, tell me, how do you manage that?” Vala asked, pointing at Sam from where her wrists were manacled in the brick wall, hands hanging down limply.

Sam frowned, shrugging, her own arms beginning to hurt. “I don't follow.”

“Well,” Vala gave a little laugh. “You and your friends. How are you not dead yet? I mean, since I've been working with you all, it's become apparent that the whole universe knows who Teal'c is. There are people that still have some kind of grudge against this Jolinar. Daniel's got obviously blind women throwing themselves at him left right and center and as for Mitchell. Well, between you and me, I think he might have a drinking problem.”

Sam gave a small laugh and shook her head. “Funny.”

“If only I were joking,” Vala said with a sigh.

“You know, Daniel's not so hard to get on with him. Especially if you stop getting him into trouble.”

“Like I said before. He's lying. It's not mine,” Vala said, even her eyes smirking.

Sam just shook her head and looked up at her manacles. They were tight around her wrists and wedged deep into the wall. She blew out a breath; yep, no getting out of this one.

“So, you and Daniel,” Vala said, nonchalantly. “Have you ever...well, you know?”

“No!” Sam said, making a face. “That would be...well, we have a...we're just friends.”

“And I suppose you wouldn't want to have to go to his funeral,” Vala said with what was probably meant to be a sympathetic smile.

“Great. I see you've familiarized yourself with the SGC gossip,” Sam said flatly.

“Well, quite frankly it's the most interesting part of your SGC. That and the machines with the chocolate. I especially like those,” Vala said with a happy smile. “What about you and Mitchell? He's very easy on the eyes...if not the ears.”

“No, that would be unprofessional and besides, we're friends,” Sam said, making a note anyway that Cameron Mitchell was indeed easy on the eyes.

“Unprofessional and friends. Those are reasons not to get involved? You Earthlings have very strange ideas. I once knew a man. We worked together. He was a family man. Had a wife, children. A law man, in fact. Of course, these were the days before I became a Goa'uld host and still had some moral integrity. Anyway, one year, while I was suffering from professional burnout, I was transferred to work with him. I was slightly mad those days, didn't care much for my own safety and then there was him, days away from retirement-”

“Wait a minute,” Sam cut in. “That's Lethal Weapon.”

Vala gave a big grin. “Teal'c has an amazing movie collection.”

Sam rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Do you tell the truth about anything?”

“Of course. My age, my weight and my hair color.”

Sam ignored Vala and decided to spend some quality time yanking on her manacles again, but she just couldn't leave it alone. “So, you watch movies with Teal'c?”

Vala nodded. “Yep. No choice really. Daniel seems to disappear whenever I'm looking for him. He doesn't have an invisibility cloak does he? No, of course not. If he did, I'd be able to hear his heavy breathing every time I was getting dressed.”

“You know, Daniel likes you,” Sam said.

Sam suddenly had Vala's complete attention, even her manacled hands perking up. “I'm sorry?”

“Daniel. He likes you. Actually, he'd like you even more if it wasn't for the compulsive lying and kleptomania. Also, he might still be a little bruised from your first encounter.”

Vala was grinning again. “Oh, they say they hate it, but they don't.”

Sam nodded. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”

Vala was about to explain, but luckily the door opened. Cameron and Daniel walked in and for a moment it looked as though they were rescued. Then the guard came in behind them and motioned them towards the walls and manacles. Daniel's manacles were right next to Vala's.

“Honey,” Vala said, smiling at Daniel. “You're home. I made dinner.”

Daniel sighed and looked at the guard. “Could you shoot me first?”

“Daniel! You hardly know the man!” Vala said, looking appalled and Daniel was biting his bottom lip as he was manacled.

“Mata Hari, cut it out for a second, will you?” Cameron asked, as another guard clicked a manacle shut around his wrist. “Hey, watch it there. I need that hand for my TV remote.”

The guards left, Cameron and Sam on their knees and looking at Daniel and Vala on the opposite side of the cell.

“So. SG-1!” Cameron said with a grin that made Sam laugh. “Look at us, in the thick of it, taking on the bad guys and...I think my knee is in something I do not even want to think about.”

“Why can't you be more like him?” Vala asked Daniel.

“What? Ridiculously optimistic?” Daniel said.

“Well, I was going to say drunk, but that too,” Vala said.

Daniel's hand waved a little, as though he was trying to reach for Vala's hair.

“You kids cut that out, you hear?” Cameron said, over emphasizing his accent. “Don't be making me come over there now.”

“I'm guessing you're both this calm because you have a plan?” Sam said to Cameron.

“Damn straight we've got a plan. His name's Teal'c and he's got a gun the size of tank.”

“I find that's his best quality,” Vala said.

“Well, it's all about priorities,” Daniel commented flatly, Vala replying by sticking her tongue out at him. Daniel just frowned with his 'who does that?' expression.

“So, did you guys have fun while you were waiting?” Cameron asked Sam.

“Had a blast,” Sam said dryly.

“Oh, hey, that's a big fat lie,” Daniel said with a sweet smile.

“Are you insecure because your head is shaped so strangely?” Vala asked Daniel, looking confused.

Daniel scowled, a little worried. “It is not!”

“No, it is not,” Cameron affirmed. “Please no fighting about misshapen heads.”

“Whoa,” Daniel said, staring at Cameron. “How did we get from strangely shaped to misshapen?”

Sam sighed, wondering exactly what Teal'c's point of entry would be. Of course, she didn't expect it to be the door, or him just walking in with a smile and without a gun.

“Teal'c,” Cameron said. “Where's the big gun?”

“I did not require it, Colonel Mitchell,” Teal'c said with a smile. “I simply explained that I am here to retrieve my prisoners.”

Daniel looked suspicious. “Huh. Yeah. And?”

“And that you are all suffering from various levels of insanity, therefore a danger to yourselves and a waste of their resources,” Teal'c said, rather proudly.

“He's talking about you,” Vala and Daniel said to each other at the same time.

“So, they think we're all crazy?” Cameron asked with a frown.

“Indeed,” Teal'c said, enjoying the whole thing too much.

“Well, if it gets us out, I'll even wear my pants on my head,” Cameron said with a nod.

That was when a guard walked in, heard Cameron and said. “It seems you are telling the truth, Teal'c.”

“I'm beginning to get that sense we're not really bonding, Teal'c,” Cameron said as he was released and ushered out of the cell.

Daniel and Vala were shoved out next, bickering on the way out.

“Well, it's about time,” Vala said.

“We wouldn't even be in here if it wasn't for you,” Daniel said.

“Me? You were the one making eyes at the councilor's daughter.”

“That was his son.”

“Fine, you were the one making eyes at the councilor's son.”

Sam grinned at Teal'c as she got up, listening to Cameron warning Daniel and Vala about splitting them up if they didn't quieten down.

“So, you told them we were all crazy?” she asked Teal'c.

Teal'c smiled warmly. “Perhaps not everyone.”

Sam nodded and smiled back.

Cameron Mitchell stood stony faced and white robed. There would be no reasoning with him. It looked as though today SG-1 would die. It was not a good day for that.

"It will only be known to SG-1, Colonel Mitchell," Teal'c explained.

Cameron scowled. "Uh, yeah! And everyone gathered here today. There's a guy waiting to take pictures, Teal'c. And why the hell do I get to wear the garland and dress?"

"It's not a dress." Daniel leaned in from where he stood in the best man position, next to Teal'c. "And you really want to go through the village head's whole discussion on who's more manly here?"

"Want me to kick your ass to show you how manly I am, Jackson?" Cameron asked dryly.

Sam leaned in past Daniel. "You want me to kick your ass to show you how manly he is?"

Cameron frowned and looked at Teal'c. "You're going to let her talk to your woman that way?"

Teal'c arched an eyebrow. "Indeed."

"I hate you guys. I liked it better when it was just SG Me," Cameron said, fidgeting under the itchy robe. “Had no idea this is why O'Neill told me to carry a wedding ring on missions. That son of a bitch has one sick sense of humour.”

"Hey, everyone, look at this."

Everyone turned to look at Vala in a long pretty and silky dress, flowers in her hair and big grin on her face. "This look is wasted on the bridesmaid."

Sam shook her head. "Actually, I'm Cam's bridesmaid."

"I am not a bride," Cameron said, going unheard. "I do not need a maid."

"Yes, but look at my dress," Vala said. "I look pretty."

"I have this big gun. You have a bunch of flowers," Sam explained.

Vala pouted and looked at Daniel with sad eyes. He made a face and then nodded, holding out an arm. She slid in next to him and he patted her on the shoulder.

"The priest cometh!" a voice bellowed.

"Oh, get ready, the priest cometh," Daniel said with a smile.

Cameron glared. "Shouldn't you all be working on getting us unshackled from the altar instead of waiting to throw confetti?"

"Where I come from, we throw fruit at the happy couple. You know, so their lives will be fruitful," Vala said with a nod. "You have to catch the fruit and take it home with you and use it to make preserves, which you send back to your wedding guests. It's why I never married. Not a very good cook at all."

Everyone stared at Vala for a very long time. She just shrugged and Cameron shook his head and said, "I'm serious. We are not getting married."

Sam patted Cameron on the arm. "Come on, Teal'c's a great catch."

Teal'c smiled. "Thank you."

Sam beamed back at him as Cameron said, "Oh yeah? Well, you marry him."

Sam rolled her eyes. "It doesn't work that way here. They don't recognise me as the leader of the team. We really need to get that fixed by the way."

"Jackson, talk to them," Cameron said.

Daniel shrugged. "I did. They said they didn't trust anyone who talks this fast."

Cameron looked at Teal'c. "What'd he say?"

"The point is," Daniel said slowly. "You get married, we can go home."

“With the marital fruit basket.” Sam smiled and pointed her P90 at Cam. Cameron glared very hard.

He turned his back on the team in clear frustration, glaring as the priest made himself ready at the altar.

Teal'c watched Cameron standing there and shaking his head. If he was at the head shaking point, it meant he was coming to terms with this mission's 'hell no' moment, as Teal'c had catalogued them in his head.

"Is your reluctance personal?" Teal'c asked.

Cameron turned and stared. "What?"

"It seems you protest too much," Teal'c said, not hiding his smile.

Cameron's brows went up in question and then he laughed, all teeth and blue eyes. "You did not just go there."

"I believe I did," Teal'c said. "Perhaps you do not wish to marry me because I am... a Jaffa."

Cameron was nodding with an all too amused smile. "Yeah. Because that's the issue here."

Teal'c pretended to look solemn. "I can change."

Cameron shook his head. "You guys are really screwed up."

“There is only honour in bonds between friends, Colonel Mitchell.”

“I know,” Cameron said with a nod. "But, it has to be said, I shouldn't be wearing white and you can't afford no ring."

Teal'c wasn't sure what that meant, but he smiled as Daniel's hand shot between them with a ring that looked like a tiny stargate.

“Damn.”Cameron stared. “I really hope my finger doesn't disappear through that thing.”

"Are the bride and groom ready?" the priest asked from behind his huge wooden mask.

Cameron turned to look at the priest. “No, but don't let that stop the wedding now.”

"Take the bride's hand," the priest said and there was some snickering behind Teal'c and Cameron.

"You guys are dead when we get out of here," Cameron said with a smile and nod, holding out his hand as he looked ahead, as though he was standing at attention.

There was more snickering as Teal'c closed his hand around Cameron's, lightly squeezing an almost unnoticeable tremor away.

"You think I'm kidding? Wait until I get the mister on you guys," Cameron said with a small quirk to his mouth.

Teal'c turned his head and smiled at Sam, Daniel and Vala. The snickering stopped at the arch of his eyebrow.

As he turned back, he heard Sam say, "I hate the way marriage changes people."

- the end -