scar tissue

Daniel's eyes snapped open as the ship swiftly exited hyper-speed. However swift an exit, Daniel noted it wasn't much different to the sensation of falling as you edged towards sleep while clinging to wakefulness.

Daniel sat up slowly, his body tired, but his mind alert and edgy. Sitting on the crate he'd been using as a bed for the last hour or so, he watched his teammates as they rested.

Jack was asleep on a crate by the far wall, his face still smudged with dirt and the black bandage on his wounded leg having taken on a brownish tinge.

On the floor, Jacob sat against the wall, his eyes half closed and Sam's head resting on his shoulder.

Teal'c sat meditating, no place ever too distracting for him to kel'no'reem.

Daniel wanted to rest, desperately so, but his mind just wouldn't shut off. Sokar's blood was still in him, digging up memories that either didn't belong to him or he didn't particularly care for.

Aldwin walked into the cargo hold and gave Daniel a polite nod before tiredly sitting down another crate.

Daniel wearily got up from his crate and made his way out onto the bridge of the ship where Martouf sat at the helm, staring out into the miles of space ahead.

Sitting down in the empty seat next to Martouf, Daniel leaned back with a sigh. "We there?"

Martouf nodded. "Yes. These are are co-ordinates. The ship should be arriving soon to pick us up and take us to the nearest Tok'ra post. You and your friends can gate home from there."

Daniel nodded and stared ahead at the stars, slightly blurred, maybe because his glasses were the first thing Apophis chose to stamp on or maybe because Sokar's blood was clouding his vision along with his mind.

"How do you feel?" Martouf asked.

"Like someone stole my head," Daniel murmured quietly. "All part of the job I guess."

Daniel didn't look at Martouf, though he knew the other man was watching him closely, with undue worry no doubt. Daniel turned to Martouf. "I'm fine. You should be worried more about Jacob."

"Selmak will heal him."

"Selmak needs Jacob," Daniel said. "Of course he'll heal him."

Martouf looked away, looking regretful. "You have changed so much since our first meeting," he said, his voice far away, like it wasn't even in the present.

"People change," Daniel said darkly.

Martouf turned away and looked back out at the stars. "The stars change their places in the universe. We're only men," he mused.

Daniel watched the blurred pinpricks of light, imagining them growing cold as the universe stretched. Everything growing apart. Everything in it becoming more alone. Dissipating into nothingness.

If this was where everything was headed, what did they keep fighting for?

"I am sorry about Sha're," Martouf suddenly said.

Daniel smiled, because everyone was so sorry and it didn't really change anything. It certainly didn't bring her back. "You didn't kill her."

"No, but I wish we could have done something."

"You don't have a sarcophagus."

Martouf was quiet and Daniel turned to see a slightly guilty look on his face.

"No. We do not," Martouf lied. "I still wish we could have helped."

"I wish I could believe the Tok'ra are interested in helping anyone but themselves," Daniel said flatly.

Martouf stared and though Daniel was waiting for a denial, none came.

"Jolinar was very adept at surviving. He took risks to survive, put his hosts lives on the line so he could live. He was able to infiltrate the Goa'uld because he always survived even if the host did not. Until you. You were the only one that survived him," Martouf said sadly. "You did not die like the others. Sometimes I wonder, why did Daniel Jackson not die?"

Daniel laughed, manic anxiety bubbling underneath as unshed tears stung the corners of his eyes. "I ask myself that all the time."

Martouf reached out and gently cupped the back of Daniel's neck, squeezing gently as Daniel closed his eyes.

"Don't know what's wrong with me," Daniel said brokenly.

"Sokar's blood. It will pass. You just need to rest."

Martouf pulled away, his eyes still on Daniel as Daniel nodded and looked up at him.

Martouf looked away at the flashing panel, sliding his fingers across the glass and bringing up a holographic display as Daniel stared beyond it, waiting for the tremors to pass.

What if it didn't pass? What if he was left hot and cold forever? What if his heart just burst from the force of Sokar's blood in his veins? What if his brain just shut down from the cacophony of memories? Daniel blinked back the madness and felt Martouf's hand squeeze his.

"They are here," Martouf said, pointing out at the emptiness before them.

Daniel stared as a ship appeared from under a shimmering cloak of invisibility. At least six times the size of the vessel they were in, the other ship hovered in front like a huge rusted grasshopper, the underbelly opening to receive them.

Daniel stared blankly as the walls crept in on him and he felt the torture stick shoved into his back for the hundredth time.

The grasshopper was a cargo vessel with a decidedly untrustworthy looking crew that according to Aldwin could be trusted if the price was right.

Their hosts offered them food, warnings and cramped rooms that weren't much bigger than the beds inside.

Jack thanked their hosts for the food, beds and warnings, commenting how he wasn't about to argue with the guy holding a gun the size of a tank.

Almost an hour after their arrival, Daniel sat on the edge of his bed, pulling off his boots tiredly and throwing them down by the wall. His brain was still obsessed with Jolinar's escape from Netu and the look on Martouf's face when he had realized what part his lover had played in it. How was he still walking around with Lantesh wrapped around his brain? How was he not clawing out the snake with his bare hands?

The door slid back and Martouf walked in, smiling down at Daniel. Daniel managed to smile back, despite the maddening urge to curse at everything.

"How do you feel?"

Daniel stared at Martouf's pale eyes, fascinated by how calming they were, while everything else seemed to pulse loudly in his ears, the walls visibly breathing in and out.

"I've had better days," Daniel said.

Martouf leaned in slowly and kissed Daniel's shoulder, his lips warm even through the material of the T-shirt. He moved in closer and pressed his lips to Daniel's jaw. Finally his fingers went to Daniel's face and turned it towards him for a tentative kiss.

Daniel's hand reached for Martouf's arm, pulling him in close as their lips moved against each other, their tongues still able to taste the bitter tinge of Sokar's blood.

Daniel pulled back and his heart seemed to calm down for the first time in the hours since their escape. He looked at Martouf's face, kind and warm, always. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"What happened to him," Daniel whispered. "What Bynarr did to him."

Martouf shook his head, but the pain was written across his face, easy to read. "It was not your fault."

"He wanted to see you again. It's all he thought about. Whatever he did, it was to escape and see you again. Do you know what Jolinar did? He just switched off when Bynarr began the torture. He didn't feel anything. But I do. I can feel it all," Daniel said, his voice feeling hoarse.

A sob escaped Martouf, sudden like a choked breath. His head fell, his eyes refusing to meet Daniel's as his body shuddered. He was shaking his head as if he refused to believe it all.

Daniel watched Martouf crying silently with an almost morbid fascination, his eyes never straying from the grieving man.

"I remember you," Daniel said, something hurting somewhere. Maybe to do with him. Maybe to do with someone else. It was all the same. One huge mass of pain. Maybe the real Daniel Jackson, the one that never had Jolinar in his head, didn't hurt at all.

"I remember so much about you," Daniel said, his head feeling heavy and beginning to throb. "I don't even know if it's really me when we're together."

Martouf looked up at Daniel, his eyes red-rimmed and glassy. Daniel closed his eyes and frowned, still seeing Martouf. Only, he saw smiles and heard laughter. He felt himself being pushed back onto the bed and kissed. He felt his fingers roaming Martouf's back and finding the ragged edge of a scar just under the shoulder blade, his fingers stroking idly.

He remembered gasping for air because there wasn't enough and every thrust left him more breathless. He remembered clawing at the coarse blanket under his naked skin and letting out a strangled cry when he came, a final thrust knifing into him with a twisted jolt of pain and pleasure.

He remembered kissing, biting and tasting. Skin, sweat and salt. He remembered his fingers clinging to hot flesh, making imprints. He remembered breaking through, pushing deep and finding home.

Sometimes, it was reality that was obscured and these memories that were clearer than crystal.

"Daniel?"

Daniel opened his eyes and let go of the breath he'd been holding, his chest shuddering and his eyes stinging as he stared at Martouf.

"You sure this'll pass?" Daniel asked with a nervous laugh.

Martouf nodded, offering up a smile that seemed more painful than comforting.

"I will stay with you until it does," he said, taking Daniel's hand tightly in his own.

Daniel let Martouf kiss him. He lay back as Martouf undressed him and joined him. He let Martouf take whatever he wanted from Daniel because he didn't want to repeat someone's else's touches or fake someone else's kisses.

As Martouf moved slowly against him, kissing his lips and murmuring his name, Daniel told himself it was all him. Not Jolinar's memories, not Martouf's grief or Sha're's absence, but him.

Martouf collapsed on Daniel with a drawn out sigh, kissing his throat and then his mouth, his hand still clamped tightly around Daniel's wrist.

Daniel let his other hand stroke up and down Martouf's back, his fingers searching.

Smooth skin. Nothing but smooth skin. Daniel felt that place, under the shoulder blade where there should have been something ugly and jagged. But it was smooth and warm.

"Did you ever have a scar here?" Daniel murmured into Martouf's ear.

Martouf's head came up, a quizzical look on his face. He shook his head slowly. "No."

Daniel nodded. "Okay."

Martouf didn't ask why. He never asked why.

- the end -