the day after

When I step through the door, I can hear her humming somewhere in the apartment, waiting for me to come home and take her out. She says she wants to see her new world. Learn our ways, even though I keep telling her, she's perfect. I don't want her to change into something else and she always smiles, indulgent, like I'm the naive one.

"Daniel?"

I turn back to see Jack, watching me carefully because I haven't moved another step. "Sorry, I was just thinking."

Jack nods and I know he's waiting to come in. I'm not sure why. Maybe he needs to make sure all the sharp metal objects are out of the away, though, I'm not sure exactly where he would be able to hide my collection of spears and swords.

I turn to Jack. "Actually, I'm tired."

He gets the point and nods. "Oh. Okay. I'll let you get some rest. Just, call me if you need anything. Really. Call," he stresses.

I nod, considering leaving the phone off the hook, but then they'll all be camped out here, watching and waiting for me to crack. "Yeah," I say. "I'll call you if I need anything."

Jack sighs, reluctant to walk away and I'm touched, somewhere under the mountain of grief, anger and hate. "Jack, I'll see you when I get back to work."

He nods, patting my shoulder. I see him beginning to say something and cut him off. "I know, I'll call you."

He smiles. "Yeah."

Then he leaves and it's just me and her.

It's trying to sleep and waking up that's the hardest because I can't sleep until I hear her and I can't move from my bed until I see her. Between then, she fades in and out and it's not so hard. All the same, it's all very insane.

I'm sitting at the table and she's standing there dressed like a housewife from the nineteen-fifties, complete with oddly stainless apron and perfect makeup, her hair all molded back somewhere.

"More coffee, honey?" she asks with an unfaltering smile.

"Sure," I say, pushing my cup forward. She pours the coffee and smiles, piling pancakes onto a plate, smiling all the time.

Like I said. Insane.

I get up and back away. "I have to go."

She smiles. "Don't forget to pick up Junior."

I stare. Of course, there would be a Junior, only, I can't help but think of Teal'c's symbiote. I can't help but think of Teal'c.

I see him for a minute, standing in the kitchen and aiming at her, while she's still smiling. A second later there's a big black hole smoking in her chest. But she's still smiling.

"Are you okay, honey? You look a little pale." she asks.

I think I stumble back, because something catches my back in my hurry to leave. I run from the apartment, smashing into my neighbor on the way and stammering apologies as I run towards the stairs, even though the elevator's right there and the doors are open.

I keep running and there's not enough ground to take me away from all this, because it's right there, in my head. All the time.

I slump down on a park bench when my legs just can't take it anymore. It's a nice day. The kind where people go out with their families and do family things; whatever those might be.

Only, I'm short one family.

A book is thrusted in front of my face and I look up at her, her hair in soft curls and a pair of delicate glasses on her face. I look at the skirt suit with a smile and she smiles back, sitting down, book still held out.

"He's out there," she says.

I look at the book, the word Harcesis inscribed over and over.

"I know," I say.

She gives me a sympathetic smile and reaches over to stroke my face, only she doesn't. She just stops. "You're tired. You should rest. Go home."

"I'm not sure where that is," I whisper.

She just fades out and the skin of my hand hurts where I've written the word Harcesis on it.

I'm not really sleeping when I pretend to wake up. She's humming again; some old Abydonian tune. I follow the sound to a nursery, where she's standing by a crib and holding a child. She's rocking him gently, shushing him and singing.

I walk slowly, it's the only way in a nightmare. She turns towards me and smiles, holding up the child.

"He has your eyes," she says, her voice distorted.

I look closer and the baby blinks innocently, before his eyes glow and she begins to laugh, the sound not human.

I'd wake up, but I'm not sleeping and it plays over like that, over and over in my head until I fall asleep.

Grief counseling. It's a novel concept, like you need someone to teach you how to grieve. Like you're not spending twenty-four hours a day doing it already.

I suppose it has to be done. They don't want a headcase going through the Stargate, though it probably helps to be one. They should put up a sign by the gate that says that.

McKenzie's full of questions and after a while, I'm just answering on auto-pilot. Yes. No. Maybe. Yes. No. Maybe. Sleeping? No, I'm not having trouble sleeping. Maybe a little. Maybe a lot. Actually, now seems like a nice time to take a nap. How do I feel? I don't know. How do you feel? I feel fine. Just fine.

She's there, right next to him, wearing a white coat and respectable spectacles, clipboard in hand. He fades out, she fades in.

"Tired?"

"A little," I say, as the lights turn off and there's just one spotlight left for me to squint at.

"I bet you could sleep right now," she says.

"The thought had crossed my mind, but I'm pretty sure Dr. McKenzie's just looking for an excuse to get me into a padded cell."

She laughs, maybe she sneers. My eyes feel heavy, almost painfully so and I can feel them shutting. My fingers go to pinch the bridge of my nose.

A hand covered in metal slaps my hand away and my eyes jerk open to see her, dressed like a goddess. She smiles because she knows every little dark secret, because for a moment, she knew what was in my head too.

"You like this," she says in her Goa'uld voice. "You find her beautiful like this."

I look away and she grabs me by my hair, forcing me to look. "You're not her."

"You find it that easy to separate the two?"

I just stare. It's not that black and white, is it? Two minds can't co-exist without touching each other. How can they touch without creating a gray blur? They can't. It's not that easy.

She smiles, satisfied with my non-answer. Her hand comes out, the crystal of the ribbon device glowing. Closer and closer, but never burning my skin. She touches my face, a long slow stroke of fingers.

Teal'c's standing somewhere behind the harsh light and he holds out his staff, never wavering for a moment. Or maybe he does and I don't see it. I think about saying it's okay, he doesn't have to fire, because it's better to have her like this than to lose her altogether, but it's not okay.

Her hand is glowing over me and through the glow I can see her face and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. When he fires, her eyes flash and the smoke rises. She smiles and falls.

"Daniel?" McKenzie's voice echoes in the room.

I look across the table, where he's sitting at a safe distance, close to the door. He's frowning at me like I'm crazy. He's probably right.

"Yes?"

"Are you feeling okay?" he asks, suspicious of everything I'll say.

"I'm fine," I say, because it's such an easy lie that even I believe it. "I'd like to go now."

He's still watching me for signs, nodding to indicate that I'm free to go. I get up and leave without turning back to look at her corpse on the floor. She didn't even bleed, did she? No. He burnt her heart right in her chest. No time to bleed.

I'm sitting on the piano stool, watching myself watch her by the balcony, dressed in casual clothes that look anything but casual on her. She hates this world with its tall concrete buildings and mechanical noise. She hates streets divided to let metal monsters drive through. Mostly, she hates our home. There are no nights where we gather in large numbers around a fire, telling tales and singing songs. There are no brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers. There are no children that belong to other people, but play with everyone. There's only me and maybe I'm not enough.

She turns, tearful and looks at me hopefully. "You loved Abydos. Why not go back? There is nothing that holds you here."

But, would she say that? What makes me so sure she'd make me choose? Maybe I just need to hate her for something.

"I don't think I can leave," I say.

"Why?" she implores. "You found me. Now you don't need to travel through the Chaap'ai. Come home, Daniel. Please."

I don't know what to say. I chased across the galaxy for her, why wouldn't I go back to Abydos?

I tell her I can't. We fight. No, she shouts and I listen. Then she packs her bags, calls a cab and leaves forever. It's the same story. Like lots of couples, we just didn't work out. We wanted different things. So she left me.

Right. She left me. I was the one that got left behind.

I watch myself, watching her by the balcony, silently staring at the sky. It's not even her anymore. Earth would change her. It would take away everything and leave sharp edges.

She's now completely made of sharp triangles, fitted together to vaguely resemble what she was when I met her.

This time, I fade in and she's sitting in a corner of our tent, huddled, grieving. I crouch in front of her and smile, guiding her face up to look at me. She shakes her head, because I'm not really there.

"It's okay," I tell her.

She closes her eyes and shakes her head again. "I couldn't find you."

"You tried," I tell her.

She looks at me and then at the black mark square in the middle of my chest, where he killed me. She cries and I just fade away.

I wake up gasping for breath and everything aches a little. I switch on the light. The clock says it's three in the morning and I feel like I only fell asleep moments ago. Time doesn't make sense.

There's a warm hand on my shoulder and I turn onto my back to see her lean over me.

"You're here," I whisper as she strokes my face.

She nods.

"I found you."

"Shhhh," she says before kissing me. "You must sleep."

"I try," I tell her. "It just... it goes away."

She places her head on my chest and I hold her tight. Not tight enough though, because I can't feel her at all.

Outside, I can hear quiet murmurs, a few people still whispering around the fire.

It's cold, but we don't feel it under the furs, wrapped up in each other.

She laughs quietly against my skin and I can't help but smile. "What?"

"The others," she replies cryptically.

"What about the others?"

"They say, Sha're, your husband is shy. What will you do with him?"

I laugh. "Right. What did you say?"

She's smiling, I can feel it. She shakes her head instead of replying.

"Secret?" I whisper.

She nods.

I slowly roll her onto her back. Her eyes are closed, but she's smiling.

"Open your eyes," I say.

Her smile grows and she shakes her head. Laughing, I kiss her and her hands are possessively in my hair. I belong to her. She told me that once. But it was okay, because I'd never really belonged anywhere else.

"Yes," I agree. "Let's go back to Abydos."

Her smile lights up the apartment. It's like having the sun shine from my living room. She runs and flings her arms around my neck, holding tight and kissing me.

The ground shakes and we stumble until we fall against a wall. Holding onto each other, we edge towards the window and see what's darkened the sky.

A Goa'uld mothership is hanging low in the sky and everything has come to a standstill. I can't hear traffic and people are standing in the streets below, staring up in wonder.

A beam of energy shoots out from the ship and everything is fire.

I fall to my knees and strain to look at her, her face hidden behind her splayed fingers as the center of her hand glows.

Hear me.

I do hear her. I can't stop hearing her.

We're all sitting around a large table. We're at my parents' house. It's a celebration. They love her. They see everything I see in her.

"What a beautiful name," my mother comments when they first meet.

She wants to hold the baby and we all smile proudly. Postcard perfect.

Mom takes the baby and dotingly stares at him. Then she gives me the same look. "Oh, Daniel, look, he's got your eyes."

I shut my eyes tight and clench my jaw, ignoring the strange tremors inside my chest.

When I open my eyes, I'm staring at the computer screen in my study. The sun's setting and the study's dark. I switch off the monitor and lean back in the chair, listening to how empty the apartment is. I never noticed it before.

When I get home from a long aimless walk, Jack and Sam are sitting on the couch.

"How did you get in?" I ask.

"Your door was open when we got here," Jack says.

I look back at the door. I honestly can't remember locking it. Everything happens in a blur these days. Maybe I did leave it open. It doesn't really matter.

"Actually, Carter picked your lock," Jack says almost proudly.

I frown at Sam. "You know how to pick locks?"

Sam gives a sheepish look and I smile at her. It's good to see them, but I want them to go. There's a strange panic in my chest with them around.

"You guys want a coffee?" I ask, hoping they'll say no and leave.

"Sure."

"I'd love one, thanks."

So, not leaving then.

I nod and go to the kitchen, where I take a few deep breaths because something's wrong. I'm not sure what, but it's wrong because my hand's shaking when I change the coffee filter.

"How have you been, Daniel?" Sam's voice startles me.

I nod, not turning around, making myself busy. "Well, it's strange not being at the SGC."

"We were hoping to see you when you came in for your session with Dr. McKenzie."

"Yeah," I said slowly. "I know, I'm sorry, I just-"

Her hand's on my shoulder and there's a small amount of pressure, telling me to turn around. She smiles at me, telling me it's okay, no explanation necessary and then gives me a tight, warm hug, her hand rubbing my back slightly.

It feels good as it feels bad. Good, because it feels nice to hold someone that's really there and bad, because something inside starts to hurt again.

I pull back and see Sam's got tears in her eyes, which she wipes quickly and I turn back to the coffee before everything briefly blurs.

A deep breath later and she's here too, steadying my hand when I pour the coffee.

They give me a rundown of everything that's happening at the SGC, mentioning a dozen times that they can't wait for me to get back. I know why they're here; to find out if I'm coming back at all.

"You must go back," she says stepping between me and them.

I look up at her, only this time it really hurts. "I know."

She leans down and takes my face in her hands. "You must find the boy. You promised."

For a moment it's all too clear. She's dead. No matter how much I keep looking, she's not coming back and the hurt is unbearable.

No. Just, no.

I put my cup on the coffee table and smile as Jack talks, pushing everything down, burying it with her.

"Teal'c says hi," Jack says, his unsubtle test of the waters.

I nod. "Teal'c would never say hi."

Sam grins and Jack shrugs. "I know, but I kind of stopped listening after he said, 'tell Daniel Jackson'."

"We asked him to come, but he said you might not want to see him," Sam said quietly.

My face feels tight when I answer. "He saved my life."

He killed my wife.

Sam's nodding at me, watching me closely.

"How is Teal'c?" I ask, more for them than me.

Jack looks serious, so I guess it can't be good. "He feels badly about the whole thing, but I told him we'd all have done the same thing in that situation."

I see it like short flashes in my head. All three of them, firing that blast. One after the other.

I see Teal'c on his knees, under the ribbon device as she smiles down at him. You wouldn't know it was wrong, evil, whatever you want to call it. She looks like a mythical creature, light coming from her hand as she smiles, beautiful from head to toe.

I pick up the staff weapon and watch Teal'c crumbling under the light. I raise the weapon, steadying it as she tilts her head to stare at him, her eyes bright. I point the staff at her. The glow becomes harsher and I see the charged split at the end of the staff.

"Daniel?"

I look at Sam and Jack, frowning in confusion. "What?"

"You okay? You zoned out for a few seconds there," Jack says.

I close my eyes and nod. "It's... it's my head."

Sam's suddenly crouching by me. "Can we get you anything?"

I shake my head. "I just need to sleep."

Jack's hovering behind Sam. "Look, we'll let you get some rest."

I swallow hard, feeling sick to my stomach and nod. "Yeah. Rest. I think I might do that."

I get up from the couch, feeling unsteady and Sam gives me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. "Call me if you need anything, Daniel."

I nod mutely as she heads for the door. Jack follows up with a hug and a pat on the shoulder. "I wanna see you back at work soon, Daniel. That Rothman's a pain in the ass," he says with a small smile.

I follow them to the door, closing it behind them with relief when they leave. I look for her in the apartment, almost frantic, but she's nowhere. I can't seem to find her at all.

But she'll come back, I just have to carry on as usual and she'll fade in and fade out the way she does. Just carry on.

So I pick up the cups and take them to the kitchen. I clean them and dry them. One by one I put them back in their place, only, the third one drops from my hand and shatters completely on the floor. I stare blankly at the broken pieces. Looking at them, you'd have no idea what they used to be a part of.

"Daniel."

I turn to see her in her Abydonian robes as I stand in mine. She holds up the marriage cup and drinks from it. She holds it out to me and I hold it with her as I drink from it. She drinks from it a second time and we pour the contents out onto the fire.

The broken pieces of the cup cut into my palm, but I seem to be stuck there, leaning against the floor and out of breath.

"I love you, Daniel," she says, before falling away like sand.

I let my head hang, my hands spread on the floor, over the broken cup. There don't seem to be enough tears in the universe and at the same time, I feel like they'll never stop.

It seems odd to be walking around the SGC. I get polite smiles every now and then. It's late at night, but you'd never know here. It's almost comforting.

I reach the quarters I need and open the door. Teal'c is sitting amidst his many candles and I momentarily imagine him having to light them all before he can kel'no'reem.

He opens his eyes and stares at me, looking a little stunned, but his face softens and I can tell he's glad to see me there.

"Hi Teal'c," I say. "Mind if I come in?"

Teal'c gives a bow of his head and I catch how sad his eyes look. I see the blast hit her and it makes me wonder what Teal'c sees now, when he looks at me.

I close the door and sit down opposite him. I have no idea why I'm even here, what exactly I need to talk to him about. So we end up sitting in silence for a very long time.

"Of the things that two friends can share, Daniel Jackson, I never wished the death of Sha're to be one of them," Teal'c says finally.

"I know, Teal'c."

"But there is something you must know, Daniel Jackson," he says gravely.

I already know. "If you had to do it again, you would still do it," I finish for him.

He straightens up and the candlelight makes his eyes look wet. "Indeed."

I nod and stare at the candles, my eyes stinging a little. It's a truth I hate to admit and one I don't quite believe yet, but I repeat it. "We all would've done the same thing, Teal'c."

Teal'c looks skeptical, he hides it well, but I see it anyway. "Would you have done it, Daniel Jackson?"

They flash through my mind, all the possibilities. Jack, Sam, Teal'c, firing that staff at her, one by one. Then I see it again, her standing over Sam, over Jack. Over Teal'c. Killing them as I watch, staff in my hand.

I look at Teal'c, wondering if I can ever answer that question.

She looks at me, smiles and when her eyes glow, I see it's not Sha're. I know she'd never hurt anyone.

I fire the staff and it burns her heart in her chest, breaking mine.

My voice feels lost as I nod to Teal'c, tears on the verge of falling again. "Yes. I would."

I get up as Teal'c watches me, silent and broken. When I get to the door, it seems more important than ever that I tell him. So before I go, I do.

"Teal'c. You did the right thing."

- the end -