when a plan comes together

SG-15 were hiding behind some bushes, quietly contemplating a plan. Dave sat leaning back against a boulder, one hand on P90 and other hand bringing up a cigar to his lips. Opposite him was John, facing away as he kept an eye on the enemy.

Next to John was Rodney, sitting on the ground and looking suitably concerned about their current situation. Martouf sat between Dixon and Rodney, calm and unsmudged, unlike the rest of his team.

John turned to face the others and sat back down. "Place is surrounded," he murmured.

Dave nodded and took another long drag of his cigar. "You know the problem with SG-1? They go out there, piss off the locals and then people like us have to put our asses on the line to get them out."

John frowned. "To be fair, Sir, they do keep saving the world."

Dave stared at John. "Hey, I saved the world three times! Did ya ever hear about it? No, Sir. I didn't even get a fruit basket."

"Isn't that the reason they let you have your own team?" Rodney asked.

Dave seemed to think about it and then looked at his team with a grin. "I guess I did get that fruit basket after all."

He put the cigar back in his mouth and began to laugh as the other three men rolled their eyes.

"I'm sorry, Colonel, do you think it's such a great idea to be sitting here sending smoke signals to spear happy locals?" Rodney asked snidely as Dave blew a succession of smoke rings.

Dave rolled his eyes at the question and threw the cigar over his shoulder, into the bush behind. "Okay, it's time we came up with a plan."

"Really? Sure you don't want to have some wine and cheese first?" Rodney asked.

"Quit your whining, woman, I'm trying to think here," Dave said, scratching his stubble.

Rodney glared and crossed his arms.

"Okay, I got it." Dave sat up and motioned the team to come in closer. "We go in through the front door."

"That is the most imbecilic plan in the history of the Tau'ri," Lantesh said with a flashing eyes as everyone stared at him.

A blink of the eyes and the arrogant mouth turned into a polite smile. "I think what Lantesh meant was, perhaps this plan is unwise," Martouf said softly.

John nodded with a concerned look. "Yeah, I gotta go with Martouf on this one, Sir. That plan's a little out there."

Dave pointed at John. "Exactly. They'll never see it coming. We'll have the element of surprise."

"Right, and they'll have the element of skewering us to death if we go ahead with your insane plan," Rodney said.

"Trust me, it'll work," Dave said with a nod.

"Sir, this plan never works," John said, unconvinced.

"Come on, back me up on this one, Face Man. Scared you might mess up those good looks of yours?"

"No, he's afraid that Howling Mad Dixon might get us all killed," Rodney said, his voice reaching a whiny pitch. "Seriously, we'll die. You want to die? Because we will. That's what'll happen. We'll die."

Dave stared at Rodney. "You know, I hate it when you get all hysterical like that. Want a cigar? They're Cuban, you know?"

Rodney rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Colonel," Martouf started.

Dave looked at Martouf. "What? Do you want a cigar?"

Martouf stared. "Um...maybe later, Colonel, but might I suggest we take an approach that doesn't include imminent death?" Martouf asked politely.

Dave frowned. "Well that's no fun. Pick up your guns, ladies, we're going in."

Dave got up, John following him as Rodney stared at the bushes, which now seemed to be on fire. He looked at Martouf and sighed, the other man offering a sympathetic smile in return.

"You ever think of going back to the Tok'ra?" Rodney asked.

Martouf looked slightly wistful. "I find their attire too restrictive."

"Right. You know, I'd rather be badly dressed than dead."

Martouf nodded. "You make a valid point."

"Hey!" Dave shouted back at them. "You girls coming or not?"

Rodney glared in Dave's direction. "You know, it's a miracle people on the other side of this planet can't hear that lunatic."

"So, this is you rescuing us," Jack said flatly.

Dave grinned happily and clapped a hand on Jack's shoulder. "Hey, what are friends for?"

"I dunno, I'll ask my friends," Jack said irritably.

"Jeez, what's his problem?" Dave said as he walked past Jack, looking over at Teal'c, Sam and Daniel who all sat against the cell wall with amused faces.

Rodney, John and Martouf were shoved into the prison cell, joining everyone else as the door slammed behind them. Jack stepped up in front of them.

"For what it's worth, I am so sorry," he said with a smile.

"For what, Sir?" John asked.

Jack turned and looked at Dave who was pulling out a cigar from his pocket.

Jack turned back to Rodney, Martouf and John who were still watching Dave light up. John shrugged with understanding.

Jack watched as Dave walked around the cell, checking out the bars, rapping his knuckles on the walls and kicking corners.

"Let me guess," Jack said. "The front door?"

Dave turned to face Jack, cigar in mouth as he nodded. "Seemed like a good idea."

"Getting caught seemed like a good idea?" Daniel asked from the floor.

"Yes, apparently, modern military tactics involve depending on divine intervention or extremely stupid natives," Rodney said, not noticing John's smirk. "And, I'm sorry, but why am I even here? I'm an astrophysicist. I shouldn't even be on this planet."

"Shouldn't be on any planet," Sam mumbled.

"I heard that," Rodney said with a narrow-eyed look.

Sam looked away innocently.

"Hey, you're a physicist and as far as I know, the laws of physics exist everywhere," Dave said, pointing at Rodney with his cigar.

"Okay, that you can understand?" Jack asked with an incredulous look.

"O'Neill, now is not the time for bickering. We must escape this place before we are made to take part in the ceremony," Teal'c said calmly.

Rodney looked worried. "There's a ceremony?"

"Uh, yeah," Daniel said slowly, giving a sheepish smile.

"What kind of ceremony?" Martouf asked.

"Oh, the usual. Drugs. Chanting. Sex," Daniel said matter-of-factly.

Dave put a hand to his chest. "Never fear. I will offer myself up in exchange for our freedom."

"You don't mind getting high with the chief's son and having sex with him?" Daniel asked.

Dave's hand fell away and he looked at John. "Hey, Shep. Remember what I said about you covering my ass and me not making cracks about your hair?"

John gave Dave a suspicious look. "Yeah?"

"Well, that time is here."

"I'm not sleeping with the chief's son, Sir," John said looking appalled.

"Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. The guy's prettier than my wife! Goddammit, I'd do him myself after a few drinks!"

"Well, why don't you? I'm guessing that's where the drugs come in handy," Rodney said.

Dave sighed. "I can't. There's only so many times I can tell the wife, 'oh, I had to have sex with someone or I was going to die'. You know, they stop believing you after the first five times."

Jack stepped up to Dave and put his hand on the other man's shoulder with a sigh. "You are not married, you great big freak."

Dave grinned and began to laugh. "Fine. Plan B it is, I guess."

"There's a plan b?" Rodney asked. "Maybe we should just kill ourselves right now."

"Oh, come on, buddy, don't give up so soon," Dave said with a grin.

"You know, I can't help but think that someone always gets hurt when you say that," Jack commented.

"You're all going to kiss my ass for this one, I can tell you," Dave said as he began unbuckling his belt.

Sam narrowed her eyes as she watched, her vision becoming obscured when Daniel's hand suddenly covered her eyes. She pushed it away and looked at Daniel who smiled back mischievously.

Dave had his pants open now and his hands were digging down in front. A moment later, he pulled out two grenades.

Jack shook his head. "You crazy, crazy, bastard."

They were running as fast as their legs could carry them, the natives yelling out war cries behind them as they chased after the eight strangers.

"Dial it up!" Jack shouted, ducking as he heard arrows swoosh through the air, narrowly missing him.

Martouf was already dialing as they neared the gate. The chevrons locked and a moment later the gate was open.

Jack ran up the steps, Daniel just to his left. More arrows flew past them, Daniel yelling as one became embedded in the back of his leg. He tripped and Jack bent down to get him, an arrow getting him in the arm. Somehow he managed to drag Daniel up and they fell through the gate.

Teal'c ran up the steps with Sam as he completely ignored the arrow stuck in his arm. Sam turned around to watch the others as they approached the gate, receiving an arrow in the shoulder for her efforts and letting it push her into the wormhole, Teal'c right behind her.

Martouf ran towards the gate, only when he saw his team was within safety's distance. He jumped towards the gate, receiving his goodbye arrow in the calf.

"Home free! Let's go," Dave shouted as he, John and Rodney ran towards the gate.

On one side of him, John yelled as an arrow got him in the butt and on the other side of him, Rodney gave a high pitched screech of surprise as an arrow hit above the back of his knee.

At least it helped propel them both through the gate, Dave thought.

He couldn't help but turn around one final time before stepping through. He looked back at the natives and gave them his most winning smile, before waving and taking a step back into the gate.

On the other side, he stepped onto the ramp and watched the iris close and turned around to find a heap of bodies on the ramp, with arrows sticking out of them as if they were cocktail sausages.

Dave nodded and gave a laugh. "I just love it when a plan comes together."

- the end -