the shiny

"Arrrrgghhh, horse shit!" Dave cursed as they entered the old broken down building. "God damn, fucking snow."

John, Rodney and Martouf followed, shivering and shaking off snow the blizzard had deposited on them.

"Hey! You said the climate on this planet was like Hawaii. What the fuck kind of Hawaii have you been to?" Dave barked at Rodney.

"Oh sure, blame the scientist. How the hell was I supposed to predict a giant snow storm would blindside us out of nowhere. I'm a scientist. Not a psychic."

"Woman, you better not be calling me crazy," Dave threatened, finger pointing at Rodney.

"We all know you're crazy. What makes today so different?" Rodney muttered.

Dave simmered quietly and turned away. "I'm gonna check out this chicken shed."

Martouf stepped up next to Rodney and tilted his head as Dave walked off. "I have not seen the Colonel so agitated before."

Rodney frowned. "Really? What team have you been on all this time?"

Martouf ignored Rodney, in his polite way and turned to John. "John?"

John shrugged. "I dunno, he's always shouting. You kinda get used to it. Now I can't tell when he's mad or happy."

Rodney looked around the building, castle-like with pillars and winding stairs in the hall. "Huh. Nice. I wonder, uh, what the bedrooms are like," he said with a small smile, aimed at John.

John clamped down on his smirk. "I'm going to check on the Colonel."

"Your funeral," Rodney muttered as John walked away.

"Why must everything you say about the Colonel be so uncomplimentary, Rodney?" Martouf asked, his voice fading behind John. "He is a strong, courageous man and we have benefited under his leadership."

"Did you know his middle name was Marion?" Rodney replied. "I think that explains a lot."

John grinned and walked on through a large empty hall with cobwebs. A wall was covered in a large mural of some ceremony involving a lot of people kneeling before one man. Those Goa'uld and their vanity paintings.

He found Dave standing in the middle of a large room, not moving at all. His things were lying by his feet.

"Sir? Are you okay?"

Dave turned around slowly and John saw the knife in his hand. John stared at it long and hard.

Dave took a step forward and John instinctively stepped back.

"Sir, I don't think you're feeling very well."

"I know what you boys are up to," Dave said with a big smile. "You're all in it together. You and the stupid snow. Ooh, look at us, we're snowflakes and we're all unique and individual. We're all white and bright. We're too good for Dave."

John considered running away, but Dixon was an incredibly agile man and John could imagine the knife sticking out of his back already. "Uh, well, I don't think the snow really thinks anything."

"You calling me crazy, son?" Dave asked.

"Not today," John said.

Dave seemed to slump for a minute, sighing and standing there, curling his lip. "Snow makes Dave go...something...something," he murmured quietly.

John nodded. "Right."

Then he quickly turned around ran back to the main hall as fast as his legs could carry him. "Code red! He's snapped!" John yelled.

"Oh god," Rodney said, before running up the stairs, John and Martouf behind him.

"Don't you boys be running from me now!" Dave called from the other room as his team reached the top of the stairs and ran down a long corridor.

"John, explain," Martouf said as they ran.

"What's there to explain?" Rodney asked. "He's gone nuts. He's finally lost it. We all knew it was coming."

"I was asking John, Rodney," Martouf said, visibly annoyed.

"It's the snow, it's making him crazy," John said. "I mean, sure he's nuts, but he doesn't hurt people. I mean, not on purpose. You know, unless they deserve it."

"Oh, shut up," Rodney said.

"You shut up, Rodney," John snapped as they ran.

"Both of you, shut up. Please," Martouf said as they ran into a bedroom and slammed the door shut behind them, all three of them leaning against it.

They were all breathing hard against the door, when a realization struck them simultaneously.

Rodney looked down and frowned. "We all have guns."

"I know. Just realized," John said with a nod.

"Yet we are running from Dave?"

"Kind of looks that way, doesn't it?" John said.

"He's got guns too," Rodney said.

"Actually, he's got a knife," John said.

Rodney and Martouf turned to John, who stood between them.

"Well?" Rodney asked.

John gave a nod. "Drop the P90s, get out the handguns. Don't shoot. I'll try getting him in the leg."

They discarded the P90s and turned to face the door. John took a deep breath, opened the door and the three of them stepped into the hallway. No one was there. Just silence.

The three men slowly made their way down the silent hall, guns at the ready, just waiting for an attack.

Rodney felt a strange prickle on the back of his neck. "You know, if this was a movie..."

Martouf and John stilled and after a moment, all three men slowly looked up to see Dave, who had fixed himself to the beams of the ceiling. He gave a manic laugh before jumping into the middle of the group, effectively separating them all.

John instantly got to his feet, aiming his gun at Dave, but the other man was quick, delivering a hard blow to the face. The gun flew from John's hand as he fell to the floor. Dave turned around and instinctively threw his knife, pinning Rodney's sleeve to the wall, the gun dropping from his hand. Dave turned to Martouf. Martouf seemed calm and dropped his gun voluntarily.

"You are not well, Dave. You must resist the urge to kill us all," he said simply.

Dave nodded and then grinned. "Not today."

Martouf gave a nod. Then he ran for his life, disappearing around the corner.

Dave turned around to see Rodney was no longer pinned to the wall and his knife was gone.

John watched from where he hid as Dave laughed. John made a safe silent escape. It was time for a plan.

Rodney leaned against the door, panting as he looked at the hole in his sleeve, where the knife had held him to the wall.

"Rodney, you okay?" his radio crackled.

Rodney grabbed the radio. "Okay? That lunatic almost killed me. Where are you?"

"Downstairs. Listen. Stay put. Don't open the door."

"Like not opening the door is going to keep him out. He's crazy, remember? That's Dixon to the power of a million!"

"Rodney! I need you to keep calm."

"Then obviously you don't know me very well," Rodney snapped.

"Rodney, get off the radio."

"You called me."

"Well, I'm uncalling you."

Rodney glared as the transmission clicked off. There was a knock at the door. Rodney stared, eyes wide open.

"Rod-ney," Dave was singing on the other side, hand thumping on the door. "Rod-ney."

Rodney swallowed. "I'm a dead man."

Martouf walked down a corridor of more murals. He couldn't help but thinking that if Dave hadn't been in such a homicidal place, this castle had quite a few merits.

He stopped to admire a mural, showing people dancing under a flurry of shiny stars.

No, Lantesh said. Not stars.

Martouf frowned.

"Hey, Marty, whatcha doing here all alone?" a low voice sent shivers down Martouf's back. He turned and looked right up at Dave.

John rummaged through Dave's backpack. Not much was different in there from John's backpack, except for the extra grenades and cigars. He decided that hiding anything that could explode or burn would be a good idea, especially with Dave on the loose.

"I ask you, is it really necessary to take off our pants? I mean, what is that?" Rodney said as he sat shivering next to Martouf, who also sat without pants.

Martouf nodded. "Dave is very unorthodox in his thinking."

"Wake up and smell the crazy. He's not unorthodox. He's unhinged. In fact, if he gets anymore unhinged, it's possible he'll break the hinge altogether and us along with it."

"It cannot be easy living with such pessimism," Martouf said.

Rodney snorted. "You have no idea."

John ran down the corridor, handgun held out in front as he checked all the obvious areas of concealment. The place was dark and had many corners to hide. The last thing he needed was to get caught by surprise.

"You think he'll kill us?" Rodney asked.

Martouf shook his head with a sigh.

"To be honest, I'm wondering why it took him so long."

"I believe the Dave is experiencing a chemical imbalance created by the weather," Martouf said.

Rodney frowned. "What? When the hell did you come up with that?"

"There is a mural here that speaks of the blizzards containing magical powers that create demons of men. Lantesh believes the snow possesses properties that create a mind altering effect on some people. The mural also depicts stoning those who succumbed to the madness. They called it the Shiny."

"Dave's got the Shiny?"

"I believe he does."

"You know, that would be funny if we had our pants on."

"Hey, Johnny! Come on out. I won't hurt you," Dave called as he slowly walked into a deserted hallway. "Much."

John gulped as he leaned against the wall, before counting to three, jumping out and taking quick aim at Dave. Dave was ready and his gun came up at the same time, John jumping across and hiding around a corner.

Dave hooted with glee. "You shooting at me, son? You must have balls bigger than pumpkins."

John lightly hit his head back against the wall, stifling a laugh. "Crazy bastard," he whispered.

"Hey, Shep. Come on out. I take it back. No more fighting."

"You trying to kill me, Sir?" John shouted.

"Hell no! I'm just trying to keep you from away the snow," Dave said, his voice lowering. "I hate that damn snow. Hate it!"

John rolled out into the corridor and took another shot. Once again, Dave was completely ready, missing John's arm by inches.

John lunged behind an open door. "What happened to no more fighting?"

"Oops," Dave shouted. "Now, come on out here. You got some pants I need collecting."

"...and then I missed out on the first prize, simply because building an atomic bomb for a science fair is inappropriate. Some kid builds a badly functioning volcano and it's all 'ooh, look, a prodigy in waiting'."

Martouf sighed as Rodney went through a list of childhood disappointments. How could one man have such a long list?

There was a deep groan and Martouf looked across at John who was slumped next to Rodney, his head on the scientist's shoulder.

John's eyes opened lazily and he saw Rodney watching him. John gave a sleepy smile. "Hey."

"Wake up before you embarrass yourself, we're on a mission," Rodney said flatly.

John frowned. "Huh?"

In a few seconds though, it all began to sink in. John sat up and realized his hands and ankles were tied. And something was missing.

"Where are the hell are my pants?"

"Dave has them," Martouf said. "He is using them to protect himself against the snow."

John slumped back against the wall. "Great. Up shit creek without my pants. Now what?"

"I guess we wait for the big loon to wake up," Rodney said.

They all looked at Dave lying asleep, wearing four pairs of pants and clutching his knife.

Martouf smiled fondly. "He looks so peaceful."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes. Scaring the living daylights out of your team has that effect."

Dave woke up to a thumping headache and slowly sat up. He curled his lip when he realized he was wearing three pairs of pants on top of his own.

Then he noticed his team. Rodney was asleep, sitting against the wall and snoring lightly. Next to him, John was asleep and slumped against Rodney's shoulder. Martouf was wide awake and smiling.

"We have an orgy or something here?" Dave asked.

"No. You were not yourself last night."

"If I'm the one that took off all your pants, you're damn straight I wasn't myself last night."

"It seems you had a reaction to the snow."

"Great. More weird alien shit. No offense," Dave said with a shrug.

"None taken, but please, could you untie me now?" Martouf lifted his bound wrists.

Dave grinned and got up, going to kneel in front of Martouf, throwing his sleeping team members a quick glance.

Dave's hand went to the ropes, other hand holding the knife, a smile on his face.

"What is so amusing?" Martouf asked.

Dave threw the others another look and grinned. "Just thinking what a real Kodak moment this is. I shoulda brought my camera."

Martouf smiled. "It is a shame you could not."

Dave laughed, low and dirty.

"You're awake," Rodney suddenly said. "You still crazy?"

"Sane as the day I was born," Dave said, cutting Rodney's ropes and moving onto John's.

"Good to know, Sir," John said, flexing his fingers. "Can we have our pants back now?"

Dave grinned, taking off the extra items of clothing and throwing them to his team. "Let's head out, ladies, before that snow comes back and I take off more than your pants. Shep? You better get yourself some regulation boxers. I'm not sure about those stripes."

"Thank you, Sir," John replied, wearily.

"Rodney. Don't even start," Dave said, cigar in hand.

"What's the point? It's not like you listen," Rodney complained.

Dave popped the cigar in his mouth and lit it as Martouf, Rodney and John headed out of the room.

Dave took a long drag of his cigar and followed his team outside, glad for another mission not gone wrong.

"You know, I think SG-15 got the best asses this side of the Milky Way. I swear you could bounce a quarter off my buns."

"So few have such appreciation for their teams members, Dave."

"That's good to know, Sir."

"Don't you need to pass some kind of psychological test to join the armed forces?"

- the end -