caffeine

Dave sat on his couch, patchwork blanket wrapped around his shoulders and sullen look on his face. Next to him sat a worried Martouf, trying to make conversation.

John and Rodney stood in the doorway, watching quietly.

"So, apparently, he had so much caffeine in his blood, NORAD was picking him up on their radars," John said with a knowing nod.

Rodney frowned. "Don't be so stupid. I have way more caffeine in my bloodstream. Why isn't the medical profession smothering me?"

"Probably because they're sick of you... and a little scared," John mumbled. "Anyway, he has a weird reaction to caffeine. Probably why he's so damn crazy."

"Well, this is great. I'd say it halves our chances of certain death."

John watched Dave. "I dunno, this is the colonel we're talking about."

Everyone stared at Dave as they sat around the briefing table, Hammond's eyes wide.

"What did you say, Colonel?" Hammond asked, completely confused.

Dave gave Hammond a calm look. "I just think it's wrong to go to other planets and blow holes in their mountains so we can get our hands on naquadah. Kinda disrespectful, if you ask me."

Rodney frowned. "But you like blowing holes in stuff."

John pushed a cup of coffee towards Dave. "Would you like some coffee, Sir?"

Dave glared at the cup. "Dave don't drink coffee no more. That stuff's poison. I suggest you find a healthier alternative too, soldier."

Rodney passed out and slipped from his chair to the floor with a thud.

"Okay, men, on my count," Dave said, steely eyed and focused as they hid in the forest.

Rodney was staring at Dave, somewhat horrified.

"Something on your mind, Rodney?" Dave asked, paying full attention. "You don't think the plan'll work?"

Rodney looked back at John and Martouf, who seemed as baffled. "I think it's a great plan."

Dave nodded. "Good. Plan's not worth crap if everyone don't agree on it."

"Huh?" John contributed cleverly.

"Let's go save our people," Dave said, looking like a hero.

The prison cell was small and opposite the one SG-1 were locked up in. Martouf was standing by the door, looking through the small hole and trying to whisper things across the hall.

Rodney and John sat by one wall, watching Dave, who sat opposite, quiet and subdued.

"I don't get it. It was a great plan. It's the best plan he ever had and we still got caught?" Rodney said, looking completely baffled.

"Poor guy, he's just not himself," John said.

"I mean, it was flawless. I would've gone in front of him I was so sure it was going to work."

"It's like someone took away his mojo," John said thoughtfully.

"It was refreshingly sane."

"He's going to get himself killed."

John and Rodney looked at each other and spoke at the same time. "We have to do something."

Dave looked up at his teammates as Martouf went and sat down next to John and Rodney. "This is all my fault. I took rash actions and blindly led you into a difficult situation. This makes me feel a lot of guilt. We should probably talk about it."

Rodney and John stared.

"I have some coffee granules," Rodney said.

"Me too," John added.

"I have grenades," Martouf said.

"But they took away our stuff," Rodney said.

Martouf's look was blank, but said everything.

"But he told us to stop doing that," John said.

Martouf sighed. "I miss the old colonel."

"Let's get that coffee out," John said.

Granule packs at the ready, the three men got to their feet.

"I don't know if we can take him," Rodney whispered.

John shook his head. "He's running on no fuel. This is the only time we can take him."

"I should remain here," Martouf said. "On account of the explosives near my genitals."

John and Rodney gave Martouf matching blank expressions.

"Well, you don't get to hear that every day," Rodney said. "Or at least, not when Dave's sane."

"Let's do it, Rodney," John said.

"I hardly think this is the appropriate time or place to have sex," Rodney said incredulously.

John colored a little and rolled his eyes. He held up the coffee packet. "This, Rodney."

"Oh, I thought you meant, uh, yes. Okay."

John gave him a flushed glare.

Rodney scowled. "What? It's an easy mistake. Not like the first time you suggested-"

"Rodney!"

"Shutting up."

The two men walked up to Dave, taking long manly strides, tripping only a little because the floor was slightly uneven.

Dave looked up at them, with sad eyes. "If you men want to ask the General for a new team leader, that's perfectly fine. I let you down."

"Actually, Sir, it's something else," John said. "Get him, Rodney!"

Rodney slowly turned to look at John, not budging an inch.

"It was worth a try." John shrugged. And then jumped Dave.

"And they all became warriors and destroyed the mouth of evil," Teal'c said solemnly.

Jack frowned. "Wait a sec, they all turned into slayers?"

"Indeed," Teal'c said with a smile.

Jack gave an approving nod. "Cool."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, but there are some of us here that haven't actually seen that episode. Do you mind?"

Sam turned away from the cell door and looked at the three men on the floor. "You know, not to be nit-picky, but shouldn't we be planning to escape, seeing as the people they sent to save us are now living across the hall?"

Jack looked at his team. "Any of you carrying grenades in your pants?"

Teal'c and Daniel smiled.

Sam seemed to think about it. "I have some C4."

They all looked at her, but their questions were left unasked as an explosion rocked the building.

In the masonic grand council meeting hall, two Asgard greeted each other with the appropriate two-fingered, bunny-ear salute.

"Greetings, Malingerer."

"And to you, Despotia. How are things with the family?"

"The usual chaos. How go your plans for a coup?"

"So, so. But I believe I have found a hero for the Asgard people that will eclipse the Great O'Neill and have Thor's grip on the council loosen."

"Explain while I am still attentive, please."

"The Great Dixon. I have just received news that this man not only saved SG-1 from a prison, but he then went onto liberate all the falsely incarcerated, dethrone the Goa'uld in power, destroying his new ship and then continued onto implementing democratic systems of electing a leader in the surrounding territories. There were many celebrations held in his name, for which one of the feasts was actually prepared by him. He also saved a feline stuck up a tree and rescued a child from a burning hovel. A monument has been erected in honor of him."

"He sounds like a most wise and honorable man."

"Indeed. However, it seems that in this flurry of two hour activity, he somehow managed to injure two of his own men. The details are unclear."

"Do not worry, we will something up."

Dave propped up his feet on John's bed, Rodney's bed on his other side. "You girls should know, Dave don't like surprises. You don't jump a guy and expect not to get pounded. Y'know?"

John groaned, the neck brace allowing him no movement, his broken arm heavy against his chest, scribbles all over the cast. "No disrespect, Sir, but go away."

Dave turned to Rodney, whose leg was elevated and in a full cast. "Hey, explain to your boyfriend and make him stop being mad at me."

Rodney glared at Dave. "The word discretion mean anything to you, you big lunatic?"

"Woman, I don't gotta take that kind of abuse from you," Dave said, popping a grape into his mouth.

"Yes, I'm sure there's a line of people waiting to dish it out. And stop calling me woman!"

Dave rolled his eyes and shook his head, swinging his feet off John's bed when a hand clasped his shoulder. He turned to see Martouf, with serene smile on his face. Dave got up and gave the other man a smirk and nod.

"Colonel, I was thinking perhaps I could interest you in a cup of coffee."

"You had me at 'Colonel', Marty." Dave threw the bag of grapes over his shoulder, letting it land on Rodney's leg and making the scientist grunt in pain.

Rodney shoved the grapes off his leg, grimacing in pain and looked across at John, who had a strange smile on his face.

"What the hell are you smiling at?" Rodney asked.

John turned his head stiffly and as much as he could to look at Rodney. "Aren't you glad he's back?"

Rodney glared and then turned his gaze from John. "Can someone move me to a different bed?"

- the end -