lost in waiting

The first day isn't so bad. John sits in the chair, arms folded across chest and a smile on his face. Of course, he's afraid. He would be stupid to not be afraid. But Kolya's waiting for the tell and the minute he picks up John's fear, he'll be all over him like a bloodhound.

"Why don't we cut to the chase and you tell me what you want," John says, sounding as bored as he can muster.

Kolya smiles. "You know what I want, Major Sheppard."

John tilts his head and frowns. "A new personality?"

Kolya laughs a little and seems genuinely amused. John watches calmly as Kolya turns towards one of his men. When he turns back, he has a knife in his hand and he's running his fingers down the smooth blade, making it glint sharply in John's eyes.

Kolya's eyes flick to John's folded arms and he doesn't miss it. Of course, he's not supposed to miss it. He's supposed to think of Rodney's bloody jacket sleeve. Rodney has a scar now, where the knife did its work. He never talks about it. John expected him to whine a little, boast about his battle scar. Rodney said nothing. When the hell did he become a soldier?

Kolya's scored a small victory, John realizes, because he's thinking about that knife, even though it's not in regards to himself. But he's thinking. John smiles at Kolya and Kolya smiles back. Only Kolya's smile is real.

The second day and John is still sitting in that chair. He's not smiling now, but he sits with thinly veiled impatience. Kolya likes to come in every now and then and ask John if the accomdation is to his liking or says something else that's intended to taunt. John always finds a glib answer and follows it with a smirk, though his hands itch to break Kolya's neck. But he knows, Kolya's men will have him with his face in the dirt before he can step anywhere near the man. So he sits in the chair and he smiles.

Kolya likes to talk about his cause and how he's been fighting his whole life. John thinks of Teyla. She's been fighting the Wraith her whole life too and all she wants to do is save people. It doesn't matter who they are. Kolya doesn't seem concerned with saving anyone but his own. Deep down, John understands it. You can't fight everyone's battles. Sometimes it's hard enough fighting your own.

But this insight won't stop him from killing Kolya. When the opportunity arises. He will kill him.

Kolya asks again. "The code for the shield, Major. What is it?"

John shrugs. "I told you. Once someone gets left behind, they change the codes."

Kolya nods. "I see."

He and his men leave and John is left alone in the cell. Sitting on his chair he watches the door.

The third day and John's feeling a little tired. Kolya likes to show up just when John seems to be drifting off, which is hard in a cell that only has a chair as furnishings. The cell is large, yet still claustrophobic, without windows and dirty brown walls and dirt floor. They haven't laid a finger on John and he knows they're trying to make him sweat. The threat of pain is always worse than pain. Or at least, that's what he tells himself.

"I can wait forever, Major," Kolya says calmly.

He thinks it over and nods. "Sure. Doesn't look like I'm going anywhere anytime soon."

Kolya's not smiling. This is his real face, his eyes dark and his jaw set with determination. "You're right about that."

John watches him closely as he leaves, his smile gone. He hopes Kolya can see the promise John's eyes make him. The first chance he gets, Kolya's a dead man.

The next day, John's on his knees and Kolya's sitting casually on the chair that usually belongs to John.

He can feel blood trickling from the corner of his mouth, as he kneels, a guard either side of him, holding an arm each.

One smart remark too far and Kolya backhanded him hard enough to knock the chair to the ground.

John was glad because the need to sleep was overtaking his other instincts and now the adrenaline was pumping again.

"I gave you a chance, Major, but you insist on being difficult. Sadly, we'll have to resort to other measures to get what we need," Kolya says, looking a little annoyed. John can see his patience has worn away too. Good. That makes them even.

John looks up defiantly, his face still aching from the blow. "I told you. The codes won't work."

"No," Kolya says. "But surely Dr. Weir would like you to return."

"And you think she's going let me waltz in, just like that?" John asks.

Kolya laughs. "You know what I learned from our little expedition to Atlantis? You all seem very attached to each other. How many of my men did you kill because you thought Dr. Weir was dead?"

"I'm not sure," John says. "I lost count after the first thirty."

Kolya gets up slowly, not like someone that's angry. But he's furious because his face loses all expression and he throws a punch at John's face. It's so hard, John is torn from the men holding him up.

John lands hard against dirt that smells like oil and rotten things. But it's also cool and damp and his face is burning. He lies there, reeling from the blow to his head, feeling a hysterical laugh bubbling in his chest because Kolya's the one that lost it first. John smiles, his eyes closed.

He feels Kolya's boot on his arm, pushing against it to turn him over. John looks up at Kolya through half-closed eyes.

"Let's get one thing straight, Major. The only way you'll see Atlantis again is if we walk through that gate with you," he says.

John thinks about the city that rose from the sea as he sinks into unconsciousness.

It happens as quick as a flash. One minute Kolya's holding up some kind of syringe and the next minute all hell breaks loose. John knows he can't have that needle anywhere near him. He doesn't know how if the Genii know about the gene, but he can't let them have his blood. And if it's uninhibited truth they're after, he can't give them that either.

He manages to push away from a guard, grab the chair and smash it over Kolya. The wood splinters and the broken syringe falls on the floor along with a stunned Kolya. John manages to get another guard by the neck and pulls out the guard's gun. Using the man as a shield, he shoots two guards dead. He points his gun at Kolya. Kolya looks caught in the headlights for a moment, but then it's gone. His face is ridiculously accepting.

"Go ahead. Do it," he says.

John's hand never wavers and he pulls the trigger. The gun has no bullets left.

In the second of John's surprise, the hostage elbows his captor in the face and frees himself. John falls to the ground, hunger and tiredness making his limbs heavier than they are.

Kolya gets to his feet and looks at the broken syringe and then at John. He says nothing, but it doesn't take a genius to guess that he's pissed off. He watches silently as the dead men are carried away and then he motions to the guard that was John's hostage only moments ago.

The guard understands and two more men enter the cell. Kolya leaves. He's letting his men do the dirty work, John thinks as he's hauled up by two men and the third starts laying into him.

Kolya's figured out that John Sheppard doesn't break so easily. He comes to visit in the dead of night. John is sitting up against the wall opposite the door, huddled with his arms wrapped around himself to keep warm. Kolya leans in close before speaking and John can smell something that's vaguely similar to whiskey.

"You are not my enemy," Kolya says.

John smiles, hooded eyes never looking at Kolya, but straight ahead at the light through the open door.

"I am trying to protect my people," Kolya continues. "You're a soldier. You understand. You've seen what the Wraith can do."

John turns to Kolya. "So, what the hell do you want from me?"

"I want you to help me," Kolya says.

"Atlantis doesn't belong to you," John says plainly.

"It doesn't belong to you either," Kolya replies.

John smirks at Kolya. "Finders keepers."

"The Wraith are coming," Kolya says and it's the first time John hears fear in Kolya's voice.

John gives a nod. "I hope I'm alive long enough to see them suck the life out of you."

Kolya gets up, but John resumes looking ahead, wondering if he could overpower the guard outside the door. Kolya walks through it. The door closes.

John thinks of popcorn. Football. Home. Atlantis.

He wakes with a start, the damp of the ground having crept into his bones and making him ache.

He's been dreaming again, only this time, he's on his knees and she's sucking him dry, his heart virtually pumping in her hand. He arches back and gasps as she takes it all away. When he looks in front of him, Sumner's got a gun aimed at his heart. John smiles with relief and Sumner fires.

The next time he wakes, there's a commotion somewhere far outside. John stands up, wobbling slightly. He limps to the door and tries to listen for clues to what's going on.

He hears the lock on the door pull back and flattens himself against the wall behind the opening door. He sees someone walk in, frantically looking around. John lunges from behind, taking him down and delivering a blow to the man's kidneys, though his own hand explodes in pain whenever he moves it.

The man grunts beneath John. "Major. I am here to help!"

John stills, but then quickly grabs the man's fallen gun. He gets to his feet and looks out of the doorway. The corridor is clear.

"Get up!" he barks at the man on the floor, gun pointed at his heart.

John looks the man up and down, dressed in a recognizable Genii uniform.

"Your friends, they are here," the man says nervously, watching the gun. "I... I am a friend of Teyla Emmagan. I said I would help."

"And why the hell should I believe you?" John asks.

The man stares. "You have a weapon."

John thinks about it and nods. "Fair point, but you're coming with me anyway."

The man looks panicked. "No, if Kolya or Cowen find out, I'll look worse than you do."

"Adding insult to injury will not help you," John says gruffly and motions with the gun for the man to move out.

There's a huge fire nearby, the brightest thing in the night. An explosion rocks the area and there are panicked shouts. John moves as fast as he can with his limp, his hostage in front of him. He's taken to the edge of the forest.

"There's a clearing not far from here. Your friends said they would be there."

John eyes the man suspiciously. The man looks back, nervous. John really hopes he won't regret cutting this guy loose. He brings the gun down, letting it shift in his hand, unseen in the darkness. The man relaxes and John slams the gun into the side of his head. The man goes down, falling in a heap.

John looks down, slightly guilty. "Sorry about that."

He moves slowly down the edge of the forest, keeping his eyes and ears open. He can smell the smoke of the fire being carried on a light breeze. He also hears something else.

Kolya. He can hear him shouting at someone, ordering them. All bets are that he knows John's escaped. John hides behind thicker cover, but finds a spot from where he can see Kolya raging at two of his men. Someone must have seen him headed this way. What if he doesn't make the clearing? The idea of going back to that room and just waiting is unbearable. Anything but waiting. Being beaten to a pulp is better than the waiting.

John grimaces as he feels a sharp twinge near the crook of his arm, the knife still feeling as if it's being twisted, his involuntary scream ringing in his ears.

John scowls, pushing past the pain and watching Kolya. His men leave him looking furious as he curses at the ground. He's looking in the opposite direction, where part of the sky is like glowing embers, lit up by the spreading fires.

John hears something then, an unnatural gust of wind that sweeps over his head. Kolya notices it too. There was nothing in the sky, but something flew over. John knows what and by the looks of it, so does Kolya.

Kolya is headed towards the forest, right towards John. That's okay, because John is waiting for him.

John falls back and waits for Kolya to pass him and as he does, John brings up his gun and rests the tip on the nape of Kolya's neck.

Kolya stills, but John see a shadow of a movement in Kolya's arm and prods Kolya with the gun. "Hands where I can see them."

Kolya's shoulders seem to lose their set and John is sure that Kolya is smiling. His hands rise up, but suddenly he's turning too quick and the gun is knocked from John's hand. Kolya throws a punch, blindsiding John. As John looks up and see the shadow of a fist advance towards him, his injured hand goes up and grabs the fist, though it causes a world of pain.

He punches Kolya in the stomach and then in the face as he doubles over. John looks around and catches the glint of light the gun casts. He lunges at the ground and grabs the gun, turning onto his back in time to see Kolya reaching for his own weapon. John fires on impulse.

Kolya falls back, smoke visible from where the bullet hits, even in the night.

John catches his breath and slowly makes his way to his feet, looking at the sprawled body of Kolya. He sees the fallen man move slightly and goes to his side.

In seconds, he rids Kolya of his weapons. Kolya's shirt has a large patch of darkness, that continues to spread outwards from his side as John watches.

Kolya looks up at John. "Finish it."

John stares at Kolya and he feels the anger breaking across his face. He wants to finish it. For the sake of all that time he spent waiting and watching that door, doubting himself, he wants to finish it.

He holds the gun to Kolya's head. But he can't do it. He's never killed a man when he was down and he's not about to start.

John gets up and starts to walk away. "Do it!" Kolya yells after him.

John turns and looks at Kolya.

"Go ahead, do it," Kolya says, pain lacing his words.

John steps closer. "You want out on your life? You take it yourself."

"You're weak," Kolya taunts and it's not the first time.

John clamps his mouth shut, every ounce of control a victory. "Maybe," he says after a while.

Kolya shakes his head and turns away, grimacing in pain.

"The Wraith are on their way," John says, his voice low. "And when they get here, they won't give a damn about us being enemies or friends. We'll all die the same way. You are fighting the wrong people."

"There are battles to be fought before a war can be won, Major," Kolya says coldly.

John nods slowly. "Good luck with that."

He walks away and Kolya shouts after him. "We'll meet again, Major!"

"Count on it," John says.

When he wakes up, he wonders if he dreamed the whole thing, but lingering prickles of pain tell him otherwise.

It comes back instantly, the short trek to the clearing and staring at the emptiness until it uncloaks to reveal the jumper. The strength leaves him there, but he'll walk into the jumper, Teyla, Rodney and Ford surrounding him as the they take off. He'll sit there, and make smart remarks ignoring the way they all look at his bruises.

Rodney offers him a powerbar and John knows he's beat because he's overwhelmed by this simple gesture. It hasn't felt like this for a time, to be surrounded, blanketed like this.

John manages a smile and looks up at Rodney. "I guess I must look pretty bad if you're offering up your food, Rodney."

Rodney's lousy at hiding his concern or his fixation with the bruises. He shakes his head absently. "No, it's okay, I have more," he says, never sentences, always a quick succession of thoughts pretending to be words.

They make it back in once piece and John's sigh sounds like a whisper; home. This time he gives in when his knees buckle. It's okay to do that now.

Opening his eyes, John sees the infirmary. Carson isn't too far away, having a serious talk with Weir.

"Major," John hears Teyla's voice and turns towards it, where she stands with Ford next to her.

"Hey," he almost croaks.

"How are you, Major?" Teyla asks.

"Been better," John answers, wisecracks eluding him.

"It's good to have you back, Sir," Ford says and his smile says he means it.

John smiles back. "It's good to be back, Ford."

John feels the approach of others and sees Weir and Carson on the other side of the bed. It feels surreal to lie there, surrounded by them, waiting for their questions. His heart seems to thump a little. John smiles.

"Major," Weir says, obviously pleased. "Carson says you should be up and around in no time."

John nods. Has anyone ever been suffocated by concern? Maybe the infirmary is just too hot.

Carson pats John's leg. "I think we better let the Major rest for now. You can all visit him later."

Weir gives her gentle smile before leaving with Carson and Ford gives him a cocky grin as he follows. Teyla looks at John as if she sees through all the cracks of his smile. As if she can see that he's still sitting by that wall, looking at the feint light under the door to his cell.

"We did not think you would return," Teyla says, her face unable to hide the weight of the words.

John stares mutely. How can he tell her that he thought the same thing?

"I bitterly regret that we ever went to see the Genii," she says looking away.

"Right," John says. "Just like I wish I never woke the Wraith up."

She looks up, surprised maybe. She opens her mouth to say something and John cuts her off, telling her, "I'm fine. Really. Just tired."

Teyla gives a conceding nod and then smiles. He smiles back and she leaves. His smile falls and he lies in bed, waiting for the next set of questions.

The next time he wakes up, he can hear a familiar voice, abusing words as if he's tossing them out of a box, letting them clink like ice cubes in a glass.

John wakes up with a frown and sees Rodney engaged in conversation with Carson.

"See? He's awake," Rodney says.

"Uh, that's because you just bloody woke him, Rodney."

Rodney frowns at Carson, as if bewildered. "I'm sorry, shouldn't you be sacrificing a chicken somewhere?"

Carson sighs with exasperation and looks at John. "Major, if you'd like Dr. McKay thrown out, just let me know."

"Yes, very funny," Rodney says dismissively and turns his back on Carson as the other man leaves with a shake of the head.

Rodney looks down at John and suddenly, without the cover of arrogance, he doesn't seem so confident. He's smiling, his chin jutting out in some defiant manner.

"Sorry I didn't come earlier," he says. "I just thought you might want some space."

John nods, wondering if maybe Rodney is a genius after all.

Rodney's eyes travel over John momentarily. They linger a significantly long second over the gauze just over the crook of his arm. Rodney looks up and his expression is slightly haunted.

Rodney shakes his head, closing his eyes for a second and then looks at John with a sigh, all attempts at a brave face gone. "You look terrible."

John nods. "Carson says they'll heal."

"Yes, this from the man who almost blew you up before he even met you," Rodney says with a roll of the eyes.

"Knock it off, McKay," John says, thankful for this moment of normality.

Rodney glances at the gauze again. This time longer. He looks troubled. "That's not even the worse thing they did, is it?"

John looks down at his bandaged hand that has been brutally stomped on, wiggling his fingers stiffly. He feels the kicks again, vicious and hard and the punches forceful. He tastes blood in his mouth and feels dirt against his face. Then he feels himself being held tightly, his arm forcibly held out in front and Kolya pushing his sleeve up in an achingly slow manner. Kolya's thumb presses over a green vein that stands out under pale skin. He holds John's arm tight and John stills, his head being held back, but his eyes lowering to watch.

Kolya brings the tip of the knife, sharp, but not painful as it sits on John's skin. Until it breaks through, slowly, past skin and further. John screams when the knife twists.

"You alright?" Rodney asks quietly.

John looks at Rodney and realizes his eyes feel as if they're burning. He closes them and nods. "Yeah."

When John looks at Rodney, he seems apprehensive, as though he wants to say something, but hasn't the words.

"What?" John asks.

Rodney makes a small huffing noise, looking indignant. "You know what I don't understand? We're on the same side. I asked Kolya why he was doing it and he kept talking about the Wraith and I said... but we're on the same side."

"What did he say?"

Rodney's shoulders slump as he sighs miserably. "I can't remember. I was too busy trying not to pass out when he stuck that knife in my arm."

"You can talk about it, you know?" John says, surprised that he'd ever want to listen.

Rodney looks amused. "Are you going to talk about it?"

John ponders on the question. "No."

Rodney nods. "Well, I'm glad we had this very manly heart-to-heart then."

John gives a small amused smile.

"I should go before someone's misfiring synapses blow my lab up," Rodney says after a while. He nods at John, like he's answering some invisible question. "Right."

John lies there and thinks of that room, thinks of waiting. Everything suffocates him, silence and space clawing at him. Pain and tiredness making everything seem obscure and twisted.

He blinks a few times, letting the infirmary bleed back in and cover the prison cell.

"Rodney," John's voice feels uncertain to his own ears. "Why don't you stay a while?"

Rodney's million faces fall away to reveal naked surprise. He looks long and hard at John.

"Sure," he says, giving a quick nod then.

John nods back, casting Rodney a look. "Thanks."

"No problem," Rodney says. "Actually, I was hoping to discuss a new theory regarding the recycling of depleted ZPMs, I think you'll find it's very intriguing, though admittedly, hard to follow, but then that's a given. Feel free to ask questions, of course-"

John smiles, closing his eyes and focusing on the constant pattern of Rodney's voice. When the infirmary bleeds away and shows him the walls of the cell again, as he waits for Kolya, John holds on to the sound of home.

- the end -