wedding day

"I can do this, I can totally do this," John said, fixing his tie and looking in the mirror. "This is crazy. I can't do this."

John felt his breath catch and the room getting smaller. He looked around the small bedroom Rodney's parents had given him for getting ready, while in the back yard guests were now gathering for the wedding.

John had an idea then. Sure, it was a pathetic idea and he was a man that had flown towards a hive ship with a nuclear bomb, but this was different. This was...big. Bigger.

John darted to the window and pushed it up. It wasn't such a long way down. He'd roll onto the roof of the porch and jump off easily, down the front yard, in his car and away. Easy.

"Oh no, get him!" Elizabeth yelled as the door opened behind.

Five seconds later, Teyla, Carson and Ronon were pulling John back. He came away with a scowl.

"I just wanted some air," he explained.

Elizabeth smiled sheepishly. "Oh. Sorry. We thought you had cold feet."

John laughed nervously. "That's ridiculous. Why would I have cold feet about my big gay wedding?"

Carson patted him on the shoulder. "You about ready?"

John nodded. "Ready as I'll ever be. Just, give me a minute, okay?"

Elizabeth nodded and his friends began to leave. John ran for the window.

"Quick! He's making a break for it!" Carson yelled.

Three seconds later, John was eating carpet, Ronon sitting on his back.

"So, I panicked a little. Give me a break. This is all a little weird, okay?" John wheezed.

"What the hell is this?" Rodney suddenly yelled. "And why are you sitting on my...John?"

Ronon slowly got up and John turned onto his back, glaring at everyone.

"Everyone out, now, go, get out," Rodney said, ushering them all away as John got up and looked at Rodney in his black suit, no tie, the top button of his white shirt open.

"No tie?" John asked.

Rodney shook his head. "Felt like I was wearing a noose."

John grimaced and nodded, loosening his tie and finally just taking it off.

"So...getting married. Weird, huh?" Rodney asked with a nervous smile.

John gave a slow nod, remembering to smile and not look too terrified. "Yeah."

Rodney took a deep breath, letting it go slowly as he looked around, his eyes settling on the open window.

"Huh," he remarked.

John looked at the window. "It was a little stuffy in here."

Rodney swallowed, slowly turning to look at John. "Teyla's heavier than she looks, you know?"

John frowned. "What?"

"Who do you think stopped me from making a break for it?"

John's mouth fell open and he stared. "You were going to leave me at the altar?"

Rodney rolled his eyes and pointed at the window. "Doesn't look as though I was going to be leaving anyone at the altar."

John stopped glaring, feeling a little caught out instead. "So, I might have panicked a little. You know, with all those people out there."

Rodney smiled at him. "You know, I have a really good idea."

"What?" John asked, stuffing his tie into his pocket and scratching his head.

Rodney grabbed John's hand and smiled. "Want to elope?"

John raised his eyebrows at Rodney. "Elope?"

Rodney nodded. "Sure. I'm thinking dirty motel sex."

John pointed at Rodney. "That's what I like about you. Always thinking."

Rodney pointed back. "That's what I like about you. Always open to suggestions."

They grinned, pressing a quick dirty kiss to each other's mouths and headed to the window. They jumped out, onto the roof and then a quick jump to the grass. There was some discreet stealthy avoiding of people and then Rodney's car came into view. John got in behind the wheel, Rodney grinning in the passenger seat.

A shot gun appeared between the seats, followed by Ronon's grinning face.

"Oh, come on!" Rodney said. "You've got to be kidding me. Neither of us wants to get married!"

"He's right. We'd like to live in sin, if it's okay with you," John said calmly.

"Dr. Weir says she wants to see a gay wedding," Ronon said with a shrug.

"What do you care what Elizabeth wants to see?" Rodney snapped.

Ronon grinned wider.

John stared. "You are kidding me."

Ronon shook his head and grinned away.

John sighed. "I always figured I'd have some kind of shotgun wedding."

John and Rodney were discreetly taken back into the house, no one noticing the odd gun shaped bulge in Ronon's long black coat.

Robert and Margaret McKay, the parents of one of the grooms went directly to the unhappy couple.

"What's going on here? You not trying to run out on my boy here are you, Tufty?" Robert groused at John in his thick Scottish accent, making John take a step back.

"No, of course not," John said.

Margaret rolled her eyes. "Why are you blaming him? How do you know your son wasn't the one running off?"

"Margie! He's a bloody genius! Why would he do something so stupid?" Robert barked.

Margaret shook her head then patted John on the cheek. "Don't mind him, dear. He's got a pickle up his arse about how much this wedding is costing. Now, you boys wait here and I'm going to check if everything's ready outside. Oh, why don't you go and talk to your parents?"

"When did they get here?" John asked.

"About half an hour ago," Margaret said with a smile. "They're in the kitchen. Off you go."

John smiled. "Thanks."

He and Rodney watched Margaret grabbing Robert and leading him away. Then Rodney turned and stared at John.

"Oh my god. You look green."

John swallowed. "I'm thinking there's going to be some throwing up, Rodney."

"You flew a nuclear bomb into a hive ship! You get shot at least once a month! How can you be scared?" Rodney asked, looking utterly baffled.

"You're not?" John asked.

Rodney looked blank for a moment. "We have to a find a way out of here. Forget Ronon. He won't shoot us. He can't shoot us."

They both turned around to make an escape, facing Ronon's folded arms and amused smile. "Hi," he said.

"You won't shoot us," John said. "You're bluffing."

Ronon stepped forward, smiling a weird smile that promised the kind of pain Ronon might enjoy inflicting.

"Oh come on! The sex can't be so good you're willing to betray us. You're his best man for crying out loud," Rodney hissed.

"You know, in some cultures, you don't even have to be conscious to get married," Ronon said calmly.

Rodney snorted. "Well, luckily, the guy performing this wedding prefers the couple to be able to say their vows out loud."

"Did I tell you I'm a registered minister on the planet Gatala?"

Rodney scoffed at this. "Oh please. Like that matters. You think you performing a wedding while we're unconscious would count? Like we'd be bothered?"

Ronon smiled at pointed at John. "Ask him."

Rodney frowned at John and John shrugged. "Well, we would know."

Rodney's shoulders slumped down. "What is the point of being gay if you're still going to end up with someone so complicated? "

John sighed. "I need a drink."

Rodney grabbed John's arm and led him to the kitchen.

"I'll be right here when you get back," Ronon called out.

They walked into the kitchen to find John's parents sitting at the kitchen table, sipping on champagne.

"I'm telling you, Miranda. Binky Hamilton is definitely having an affair with the pool boy. I want you to get rid of Tad. He's been looking at you funny."

"Oh, do hush up, James," Miranda said, with a shake of the head before she noticed John and Rodney. "Oh, James. Look, who it is."

Miranda got up and went over to John, kissing him on both cheeks and then Rodney before standing back and allowing James to hug John and pat Rodney on the shoulder with a grin.

"Looking good, son," James said.

"Yes, you both look utterly charming," Miranda said. "I was so hoping for a Hamptons wedding, now that the U.S is allowing the homosexuals to marry -- I really wanted to be the first one at the club -- but, this is nice too."

John glanced across at Rodney stiffly, his smile feeling a little tight. He felt Rodney's hand give his back a light stroke and his breathing seemed to ease.

"Did you find the place okay?" Rodney asked with an amiable smile.

"Oh yeah. A chopper and limo straight here. Not a problem at all," James said with a happy grin. "Could've done with some earplugs though," he said gesturing towards Miranda.

Miranda looked as though she'd just sucked a lemon. "You're not funny, James."

James laughed and gave John a light punch on the arm. "Sure I am, what do you say, John?"

John smiled and nodded. "Sure, Dad."

Miranda shook her head and stepped in front of John, picking a thread from his shoulder. "We're going to join everyone outside. You make sure you brush your hair before you get out there."

John felt his hair, pressing down on it. "I did brush it."

Miranda stood back and frowned. "Oh. Yes, I'd forgotten it did that. Well, fiddle di dee. James? We're moving."

Miranda swept out of the kitchen, all prim angles, while James followed, sturdy and strong bulk in an expensive suit.

John and Rodney stood in the middle of the kitchen, relishing the silence.

"I want a divorce," John said quietly.

"We're not married yet," Rodney said, as quiet.

"Well, as soon as we get married I want one."

Rodney looked around the kitchen and then the door that led outside. "Hey, maybe we can sneak out the side."

John looked at the door and then at Rodney, filled with hope. "Let's go."

Before they reached the door though, it opened and Ronon stepped in. "Believe me," he said. "It's really good sex."

The ceremony passed in a blur, as did the memory of actually making it from the kitchen to standing before their friends and taking their vows.

"Do you John Thomas Sheppard take this man as your lawfully wedded husband?" Rodney was asked.

Rodney burst out laughing. "John Thomas? You're kidding me! Seriously, John Thomas?"

John glared.

"I mean, I do," Rodney quickly said.

"And do you Meredith Rodney McKay take this man as your lawfully wedded husband?"

John made a face at Rodney. "You got a real nerve, Meredith."

"Oh shut up."

"John?" the minister urged for him to answer the question.

John licked his dry lips and looked to Rodney for help. Rodney mouthed the word 'no' in a completely unhelpful manner.

"Um..." John said, just as Ronon seemed to step in closer. "I do...I guess."

Rodney sighed regretfully and John tried not to pout too much.

In the haze of disappointment, it seemed the wedding went along without either of them being able to stop it.

Right up until...

"I now pronounce you-"

"Stop this wedding!"

A gasp went up behind the couple. John and Rodney looked at each other and then simultaneously turned around to see Colonel Cameron Mitchell of SG-1 walking down the aisle.

"You can't marry him," he said to John.

"I can't?" John asked quietly.

"No." Cameron showed everyone a rolled up document. "Because you're already married to me. That's why."

Rodney stared. "What? What are you talking about?"

"It's right here, man. I'm not lying. Check it out for yourself. I'm sorry folks, but there's not gonna be a wedding here today. Can I talk to you please...honey?" Cameron asked, giving a little flutter of eyelashes before turning around and leaving.

John grabbed Rodney's sleeve and whispered. "Okay, what the fuck is this?"

"Why are you asking me? You big...Jezebel!"

"Rodney!" John snapped.

"This is a nightmare," Rodney said, walking down the aisle, John pulling him along. "I always knew I'd have at least one wedding like this. My god. When did you even have the time to go off with Mitchell? This makes no sense."

"You're a real crappy genius, you know that?" John said.

They walked back into the kitchen to see Cameron leaning by the counter. He smiled at them a little mischievously. "Uh, look, I'm sorry about that. But I couldn't wait for you two to get married before I told you the news."

"What news?" John asked.

The kitchen filled with bright light and when the light disappeared, they were all standing on the bridge of the Daedalus, Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter and Teal'c by the window in their usual gear, the image of a magnified hive ship behind them.

"It's the Wraith," Cameron said. "They're here."

John turned to look at Rodney, realizing that he'd failed to notice what a black suit and white shirt did for the other man. Really nice things, actually.

Rodney turned to look at him, seeming a little disappointed. "In retrospect, getting married doesn't seem like such a bad idea."

John was still staring at the radars that showed a hive ship headed towards Earth while Cameron disappeared and SG-1 stood with Caldwell, Rodney next to John, complaining how it was typical of their relationship that every milestone included the Wraith dropping by.

“First time we have sex, Wraith ships. First big fight we have, Wraith ships. Don't ask, don't tell and non-fraternization rules finally get thrown out of the window? Oh hey, Wraith ships! Wedding day? Big surprise, Wraith ship!”

“Hey,” Sam said, approaching the two men.

Rodney instantly seemed a little flustered, but within a second seemed to assume a pose of great smugness and self-importance.

“Colonel,” John greeted Sam.

She nodded back. “Colonel Sheppard. Dr. McKay.”

“Colonel Carter. Good to see you again,” Rodney said, irritatingly amiable. John felt a sudden urge to stamp on Rodney's foot.

“Sorry to gatecrash your wedding,” Sam said with a small smile. “And how come I didn't get an invite?”

Rodney grinned. “Oh, well, I wanted to...” Rodney turned to look at John and John didn't even bother to hide the glare. “Um...but, I didn't want to.”

Sam stared at Rodney and frowned. “Um...okay.”

Rodney brought up a hand, fingers wriggling around in their usual chatty fashion. “No, I don't mean I didn't want to. We just thought we'd have a small ceremony. Close friends and family type of thing.”

Sam grinned, casting John a smile too. “Sure. I understand. Look, your team should be here soon. They're being brought up a little more discreetly.”

“Colonel, I think anything besides how we were grabbed can be classed as discreet,” John said dryly.

Sam nodded, clamping her mouth tight, but unable to hide the smile. She gave her P90 a tap of the finger and turned away, heading back to her team.

John looked at Rodney who was standing there and watching Sam Carter walking away, a stupid dreamy look on his face.

Rodney turned towards John, smile fading fast when John pinned him with his glare.

“Here's an idea,” John said flatly. “Since you're dressed for it, why don't you just ask her to marry you?”

Rodney smiled. “Never had you pegged for the jealous type.”

“It's a real pity this marriage is going to start with domestic violence,” John replied.

Before Rodney could say whatever sour thing the look on his face was promising, a bright light appeared in the middle of the bridge, leaving behind Elizabeth, Ronon, Teyla, Carson and Radek, all looking too good for a Wraith showdown and Cameron heading towards his team.

Radek popped some finger-food into his mouth, nodding in approval as he ate it. “I think this is an omen for your wedding.”

Rodney rolled his eyes. “There are no such thing as omens.”

“Maybe we should get Caldwell to marry us while we're waiting,” John suggested.

Rodney frowned at John. He turned towards everyone else. “Could you excuse us for second?” Rodney pointed to the plexiglass plotting chart. “You, with me, over there.”

John rolled his eyes and followed, having Rodney swiftly turn to face him. “What the hell's going on?”

“What?” John asked, fully aware that everyone was watching their exchange through the glass. Rodney was really slipping up on that whole genius thing.

“I thought we didn't want to get married,” Rodney said.

John made a face, trying to find an explanation that didn't include 'stop staring at Colonel Carter's ass please'. “Well, I dunno, maybe we should. I mean, we're all dressed up and stuff.”

“We look like penguins. Why don't we join the zoo too?” Rodney asked.

“Look, somewhere along the line we decided to do this and I figure we might as well finish now that we've started,” John said with a shrug.

Rodney seemed to think it over. “Well, I guess we are a 'you may kiss the bride' away from buying a cemetery plot together.” He shook his head and sighed. “How the hell did we decide to get married anyway?”

John narrowed his eyes, letting them slide towards the plexiglass. “I'm guessing it has something to do with getting drunk around the wrong people.”

Rodney turned to look at the plexiglass with John to see their friends grouped together and watching closely. When Rodney flipped them the bird, John could totally see why this marriage might work.

“We've got another problem,” Caldwell suddenly announced.

Rodney looked at John with a sigh. “Well, it wouldn't be a wedding otherwise.”

“Another hive ship?” Elizabeth asked as John and Rodney joined their friends and SG-1.

Caldwell looked grim as he stood over the shoulder of one of his technicians. “No. Not a hive ship.”

There was a flash outside the ship before a large ornate vessel appeared, like a huge mechanical pyramid.

John scowled. “Is that what I think it is?”

Rodney was staring at the ship, mouth wide open. “Okay, this...is bad.”

“What is it?” Teyla asked.

“The Goa'uld,” Daniel said, eyes on the ship hovering in front of the Daedalus.

“Maybe if we're lucky the Wraith and Goa'uld might get into a fist fight,” John said.

“We're being hailed, sir,” the technician announced.

“Go ahead,” Caldwell said.

They all turned to a mounted screen where a man appeared, smug smile on his face.

“Ba'al,” Teal'c muttered.

“That guy is seriously beginning to piss me off,” Cameron said.

Ba'al laughed. “And I am glad to see you too.”

“Well, don't get too comfortable because there's another ship out there and we're pretty sure they're not here to make friends with the Goa'uld,” Sam said.

That was when Ba'al stepped aside and let someone else come into view; a rather smug Wraith female with crimson colored hair.

“Once the hive ship arrives, I think we will enjoy dividing the planet amongst ourselves,” Ba'al said with a smile.

Caldwell made a motion to cut the feed and the screen went black. “I think this is where you all come up with an insane idea to save the planet.”

Sam turned to John. “Well, since it is your wedding day, I guess you get dibs. What do you say? Wraith or Goa'uld?”

“You've gotta hand it to these Goa'uld,” John said as he sat against the wall of the cell. “This is a pretty cool ship.”

“They do seem to possess a much more pleasant aesthetic than the Wraith,” Teyla said calmly.

“Reminds me of a harem,” Ronon said flatly, before slamming into the cell door again, not making it budge an inch.

“Seriously, Conan, you're going to kill yourself doing that,” Rodney said. “And when the hell did you ever get to visit a harem?”

Ronon shrugged. “When I was fourteen. Lost my virginity there. Her name was Lyla. She even let me kiss her and that usually costs extra.”

Rodney nodded and smiled. “Yes, how touching. The most memorable best man speech ever.”

John smiled, once again awed by the tales of Ronon's erotic adventures. “I like it.”

Rodney scoffed. “You would.”

“It is a pity your wedding day did not go to plan,” Teyla said, looking sympathetic.

“Actually, it's kind of a McKay tradition,” Rodney said. “The day my parents got married, apparently Dad's pants caught fire. Nobody still knows how.”

John sighed. “Trust me, that's not the worst thing that could happen.”

Rodney rolled his eyes. “Oh please, like anything could be worse than that.”

“Well, your mom could go into labor just when the priest asks if there's anyone that doesn't agree why these two people shouldn't marry,” John said with a shrug.

Rodney snorted. Then he frowned. Then he turned and looked at John. “That's why your birthday's on the same day as your parent's wedding anniversary?”

“Yeah, I may have lied about it being a coincidence,” John replied.

Rodney shook his head. “My god. How are you not in therapy?”

John shrugged. “I'm on a space ship with one team member fixated on the décor, Don Juan over there talking about his misspent youth, my almost-husband talking about his dad's pants on fire and a really bad headache. In retrospect, the whole being born five minutes before my mom said 'I do' doesn't seem such a big deal anymore.”

Rodney was looking hard at John for a long time before he smiled and then turned to Ronon with his smiling face. “Reverend Ronon, I think I'd like to say my wedding vows now.”

“No deal,” Ronon said sulkily.

“My god, Elizabeth totally has you whipped,” Rodney snapped.

Ronon smiled. “I don't know what that means, but it sounds like fun.”

“And you ask people to repeat wedding vows with that mouth?” Teyla asked sternly.

Ronon only smiled wider.

John ignored the filthy look on Ronon's face and reminded himself he was an almost married man with his almost husband sitting right next to him. “I wonder how SG-1 are doing on the Wraith ship.”

Sam leaned out of her slimy cocoon and nodded at Daniel who was cocooned opposite.

He grimaced back at her. “You ever get the feeling we might be getting a little lazy with the whole fighting aliens thing?”

Sam shrugged. “It's been a busy year. For all of us.”

“Yeah, but come on. They even got Teal'c,” Daniel said, nodding towards his neighboring cocoon.

Teal'c sighed. “I am getting to old for this shetak.”

“Uh, that means...” Daniel started.

“Oh, trust me, I think I know what that means,” Sam said. “What do think they're doing with Cameron?”

Daniel's brow raised and disappeared somewhere under his hair. “Finally curbing his amazing amount of enthusiasm?”

Sam sighed. “I don't think that's possible.”

This time Daniel sighed. “We are getting too old for this shetak.”

Cameron grunted as he fell to his knees. “Right. Got it. You're kinky, right? Like a little slap and tickle. Sure, I can deal with that. I'm a free thinking guy.”

The Wraith queen laughed. “You amuse me greatly.”

“Well, the quickest way to a woman's heart is to make her laugh,” Cameron said brightly. “Well, at the right times.”

The Wraith queen held her palm out, showing Cameron the puckered mouth at its center. “Silence! You will tell me of all the worlds you have been to.”

“That before or after you want me to be silent?” Cameron asked, squinting at the snarling mouth in the palm of her hand.

The Wraith queen stepped closer and yanked Cameron's jacket open. “You will tell me everything.”

“Sure you want to know?” Cameron asked shakily, already feeling an urge to splurge. “That's a whole lot of ground to cover. Where do I even begin? The first day? Seas and ground? Let there be light? Sticks and wheels? Pen and paper? Cigars and Vegas?”

Her hand slammed over his chest hard and stole the breath completely from his chest, shutting him up good and proper.

Then he exhaled and a warm happy feeling spread all throughout his body. He tried to keep awake, but his eyes felt heavy and he felt as though he was about to start floating.

He looked at the hand attached to his chest and smiled. “Damn. That's the good stuff.”

The Wraith queen pulled her hand away hard, hissing in pain before both her hands went to her throat as she began to gasp, as if unable to breath.

A moment later, she dropped to the floor with a hard thud, Cameron swaying and watching her. He frowned and pulled up his T-shirt to find five small bruises that were fading before his eyes.

He grinned as they disappeared. “Man, I love this job.”

"- nujan number? One of the four natural numbers? No? Nothing?"

John sighed and squeezed his eyes shut.

"How could you watch it and never notice?"

"I did notice. I just didn't know it was such a big deal," John said with a shrug.

"You totally don't deserve to watch that show! I'm taking the DVDs back," Rodney said, sulkily.

"You can't take them back. You gave them to me on my birthday. That would make you a taker backer," John explained slowly.

"Why even bother watching if the most important stuff just goes through your hair?" Rodney asked.

John shrugged. "Because Farnsworth reminds me of you?"

Rodney sighed and shook his head, muttering, "Sweet zombie Jesus."

John smiled, trying not to worry about the fact that Ronon and Teyla had been taken away by the Jaffa guards at least an hour ago and then worrying anyway and then hoping Ronon and Teyla were beating the snot out of everyone.

"What does that make you?" Rodney asked quietly, giving John a small smile.

John shrugged again, looking at the door. "I dunno. Who do I remind you of?"

Rodney pointed his finger at John, cocking his thumb and clicking his tongue. "Zap Brannigan."

John smirked, mimicking the hand gesture and tongue click. "Brannigan's law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast."

Rodney closed his eyes and grimaced. "Good news everyone. John Sheppard is a geek."

John smiled and leaned back against the wall, Rodney's shoulder warm against his own.

"You know what I was dreaming about last night?" Rodney asked.

"No. What?" John asked, looking at Rodney's slightly distressed expression.

"I was dreaming that someone was waiting for me to say 'I do' and when I looked up it was a Wraith and he grinned and said 'too late, because I do'," Rodney said, bringing his hand up like a claw and thumping it hard against John's chest.

John frowned at the hand, quite obviously fondling his chest. "Would you be really freaked out if I told you I had the same dream?"

Rodney looked at John, quite obviously really freaked out. "Beyond comprehension."

John nodded and offered what he hoped was a reassuring smile before giving Rodney's hand a tight squeeze. "Oh. Well, I didn't."

Rodney's hand fell away from under John's, but not before he caught the glint of silver. He followed it and stared, the band bright across Rodney's finger. Funny how John couldn't actually even remember slipping the ring on, even with Ronon standing so close.

"Weird, huh?"

John gave Rodney a questioning look and Rodney brought up his hand, waving the finger with the ring.

John nodded slowly and then scowled. "Yeah."

"Say we get out of this, what do we do?" Rodney asked. "I mean, with the whole getting married thing."

"Well, if Atlantis is still standing, we get wasted, find a backwater planet where they'll give us matching tattoos and then fuck like rabbits in a motel room that smells like Morocco," John said with a nod.

Rodney stared at John for a moment before he blinked and said, "From now on, you get to make all the decisions. Seriously. All of them."

John grinned and leaned across, grabbing Rodney by his jacket and pulling the smiling man towards himself.

Unfortunately, both men stopped before they could kiss when the doors opened and the guards walked in.

Cameron ran through the Wraith ship, tingling where the Wraith queen had tried to feed on him and failed.

He skidded to a stop when a Wraith guard stopped in front, stunner aimed at Cameron's chest. The guard instantly fired on seeing the escaped prisoner.

Cameron jerked when the strike of energy hit him square in the chest. He waited to fall, but frowned when the a part of his chest warmed over, right under the queen's hand print. A small shiver of pleasure ran under his skin and smiled.

“Hey, that kind of felt good,” Cameron said, giving himself a little shake as the feeling spread and made his fingers tingle for a second.

The Wraith frowned at Cameron and threw the stunner aside, advancing forward. He grabbed Cameron around the throat with one hand and drove the other one against his chest hard.

A minute later the Wraith lay gasping on the floor as Cameron stood there feeling like he could probably fly.

Kneeling on the ground, side by side, John and Rodney waited in the room for Ba'al to arrive.

Rodney turned to John. “I keep get the feeling Ronon's going to jump out with Elizabeth and make sure the wedding goes through this time.”

John shook his head. “It's disgusting the way people will do anything for sex.”

“Ah, the Tau'ri,” Ba'al said, walking into the room wearing-

“A Versace suit? You're kidding me,” John said.

Ba'al smiled, smoothing down his suit. “My time on Earth was not a complete waste.”

Rodney smiled. “How nice for you. Did you visit Disneyland too?”

“Go to Earth and ignore the rulers of your planet? It would be a travesty.”

Rodney frowned at John. John just shrugged.

“You are not a part of SG-1. Where are they?” Ba'al asked.

“They lost the coin toss,” John answered. “They'll be blowing up the other ship any time now.”

“I severely doubt that. Only a miracle will save them this time.”

“Yeah, sure whatever.” John said. “What did you do with out friends? Ronon and Teyla.”

Ba'al smiled, but it was tight and without amusement. “They will make fine hosts.” Ba'al stretched his hand out, showing an ornate golden hand device of some kind and touched John's face with a cool metal tipped finger. “As will you.”

John jerked away. “Sorry. Already taken.”

Ba'al laughed. “Tau'ri bravado. A source of great amusement.”

John was roughly brought to his feet, Rodney grunting in protest next to him, where he wasn't stopped from moving. John was shoved close to Ba'al and held there, suddenly having visions of a snake burrowing into his head. Damn those graphic SGC reports.

Ba'al stepped nearer, smiling, and leaned in.

John swallowed and tried to move back. “I don't think this is a good idea, I'm a married man that believes in the vows of fidelity very deeply.”

Ba'al looked down at Rodney who was making no attempt to hide how petrified he must have been feeling. Ba'al arched an eyebrow at Rodney and then smirked at John.

“Nice suits,” he said, before grabbing John by the front of his shirt and pulling him forward.

There was a sudden commotion in the room, loud shots being fired, Ba'al twisting around in shock, tapping something in his jacket and disappearing into a bright light as his soldiers fell to the ground.

Ronon stood with his gun, Teyla firing a P90 somewhere behind him.

“Charges are set. We have to go. Ship's going to blow in five minutes,” Ronon said, before throwing a handgun at John.

John caught the gun in one hand and grabbed Rodney with the other, pulling him up. “Let's get off this boat.”

“What do you mean it's going to blow?” Daniel asked.

“I found our stuff and planted the charges. We've gotta get out of here and the Daedalus is out of touch,” Cameron said as his friends pulled on their jackets, not completely clean of some goo that had followed them out of the cocoons. “I know where our gliders are.”

“Wait a second. How the hell did you get away from the Wraith?” Sam asked as they all followed Cameron into the dark corridor.

They all stopped and looked in horror at the Wraith bodies littering the ground. No gun wounds or blast wounds. Just a bunch of gray looking dead guys.

Daniel looked on disgusted. “What the hell happened here?”

Cameron shrugged. “Well, they're no Go'auld, you know?”

“See, since the ship has its own stargate it can simply use Earth as it's point of origin and we just use it to gate out to some nice planet with beaches and coconuts,” Rodney said as he and John ran down the corridor, Ronon and Teyla up ahead.

“Cool,” John said. “You know, as missions go, this wasn't so bad.”

“Of course not. The Goa'uld are no way as dangerous an enemy as the Wraith,” Rodney said, grabbing John before they both flattened themselves against a wall, firing off some shots at attacking Jaffa and getting low to the ground.

They sprang to their feet a moment later and barreled around a corner into another corridor, just in time to see a wall coming down to cut them off from Ronon and Teyla.

“Sheppard!” Ronon yelled.

“Get to the gate room! Go!” John yelled back before he and Rodney escaped down another ornate corridor.

“Okay, since the Daedalus isn't responding, we need another plan,” John said.

“I suggest praying because we're too far from the glider bay and the stargate,” Rodney said, checking the clip of his gun.

John licked his lip and nodded. “Right. We could double back and Butch and Sundance our way out.”

"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard,” Rodney said nervously. “But, sure, why not?”

John looked at Rodney, his nice suit scuffed with dirt marks, his shirt with light dirty patches, hair messy, a bruise on his cheek where the Jaffa had decided to say hello with their fist.

John licked at the painful split in his bottom lip and nodded. “Sorry about the crappy wedding.”

Rodney nodded back, looking as miserable as John felt. “Me too. You know, if by some miracle we do make it out, I totally do.”

John gave a small laugh and nodded. “Yeah. Me too.”

Rodney gave a slight smile. “Ready then?”

John grabbed Rodney's arm and pulled him along, running down the end of the corridor until everything around them turned a bright white.

“The Wraith are allergic to Colonel Mitchell?” General Landry asked, watching his worn out and tired people standing in the briefing room where they had beamed in moments ago.

“That is how it appears,” Teal'c said flatly.

“And how do you feel, Colonel?” Landry asked Cameron.

Cameron grinned and raised a fist. “Whoooooooo!”

Sam tried not to smile. “Um...we think he's a little high.”

“A little? I am ripped!” Cameron said before bursting into a fit of giggles and having to be held up by Daniel.

“Sir, any idea what happened while we were up there? We were headed to the gliders before we got beamed out,” Sam said.

Landry gave a sigh, shaking his head at Cameron's quite laughter. “The Daedalus has a nice new hull breach thanks to Ba'al. Ba'al's ship just blew up five minutes ago and the Hive ship went up a minute ago. Thor arrived with his ship about ten minutes ago and saved all our asses after telling us we're too stupid to be using any kind of technology. We're going to have a hell of a time pushing this as another meteorite story.”

“Thor rules,” Cameron said, pointing at Landry.

Landry squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Someone get him to the infirmary.”

Teal'c grabbed Cameron around the waist and they all headed out of the briefing room as Cameron declared that SG-1 kicked ass.

When the bright light disappeared, John and Rodney were standing in front of a small gray alien, John still holding onto Rodney.

John narrowed his eyes at the naked alien, who might have been Hermiod, but kind of looked different.

The alien blinked slowly. “I am Thor. You are on my ship, the Beliskner.”

John nodded, totally trying to avoid the whole naked issue. “Thanks.”

“What about everyone else?” Rodney asked. “What's going on? Did we win or are we still on the brink of annihilation?”

“I fear your species will always remain on the brink of annihilation, but for now you are safe. The Daedalus is undergoing repairs. SG-1 have been transported to the SGC. The Goa'uld mothership and Wraith Hive ship are considerably smaller than they used to be. You were the last to be transported,” Thor replied.

“Do you know if our friends made it?” John asked.

“The gate and your friends were beamed aboard. They are fine. Hermiod has relayed the coordinates where they were initially transported from. You will all be sent back.”

Rodney sighed, sagging with relief and John finally let go of the other man's arm, running his fingers through his hair.

Thor was quietly observing them again. “I have not seen these uniforms before.”

Rodney looked down at his ruined suit. “Oh, this isn't a uniform. We were getting married when the Wraith and the Goa'uld showed up.”

Thor tilted his head, blinking slowly. “Congratulations.”

“Actually, we never finished getting married,” John said.

Rodney sighed, throwing up a hand. “And now it's too late because they're all probably gone by now.”

“May I be of assistance?” Thor asked.

Rodney frowned and looked at John. “Well, he is the captain of this ship.”

John made his 'but he's a naked alien' face and said, “I think the captain has to be human.”

Thor gave a small nod. “That can be arranged.”

Thor disappeared in a small beam of light, leaving John and Rodney in front of a small window that showed Earth hanging in the middle of space.

“Think Atlantis is okay?” John asked, staring at the large planet glowing like a pretty marble.

“I hope so,” Rodney said.

Thor beamed back exactly to the spot he had disappeared from. He didn't say anything and just continued his slow blinking as he slowly moved aside, John trying not to scowl at the lack of clothing.

“Stop staring at him,” Rodney whispered.

“I just don't get it,” John whispered back.

“I can hear you,” Thor said flatly.

A large beam of light appeared in front of John and Rodney, leaving behind General Jack O'Neill who was frowning at a small bottle of cough medicine, a scarf wrapped around his neck and mouth, disappearing into his bulky jacket.

He frowned, looked up from the bottle at his surroundings, jerked back from John and Rodney and then noticed Thor, offering him the skunk-eye.

“I was in the middle of a supermarket!” he yelled at Thor.

Thor blinked the outburst off. “O'Neill, you are temporarily the captain of the Beliskner.”

“Forget it!” Jack snapped. “Thor. We've talked about this. There's gotta be a system, buddy. You can't be zapping me out of places when you feel like it.”

“Um, sir, it's kind of our fault,” John said sheepishly.

Jack frowned at John and Rodney, taking in their disheveled look. “What the hell is going on here?”

“Oh, uh, well, short version, we were getting married, the Goa'uld and the Wraith turned up to divide Earth between them, but now everything's okay,” Rodney said.

Jack nodded. “Well, I guess that's one e-mail I won't have to read...did you say you were getting married?”

Rodney gave an enthusiastic nod. “Yes, that's right.”

Jack gave John a look that made it very hard not to fidget. “And I guess my invitation got lost in the mail?”

“It was kind of a small, um, thing, sir,” John said.

“The invitation?” Jack asked.

“The wedding, sir.”

Jack sighed, sagging a little. “Anyone want to tell me why I'm here, with stolen goods apparently?” he said, shaking his bottle at Thor.

“You will officiate their wedding, O'Neill. It seems their services were required during the wedding ceremony.”

“What do you care?” Jack asked.

Thor might have sniffed, but there was no real way of telling.

“Always a bridesmaid, huh?” Jack asked.

“O'Neill,” Thor warned.

“General, you don't even have to go through the whole ceremony. Just pronounce us married and you're done,” Rodney offered. “We were literally seconds away from the end of the ceremony when the Goa'uld and Wraith gatecrashed.”

Jack rolled his eyes and sighed, stuffing the bottle into his pocket. “Fine. I'm just glad I wasn't driving when Thor beamed me up. You both ready?”

Rodney grinned at John. “Ready as we'll ever be.”

John smiled and nodded in agreement.

“Okay,” Jack said, clearing his throat and pointing at Rodney. “Do you?”

“Yes,” Rodney said, with a little bounce. “Absolutely.”

Jack pointed at John. “Sheppard?”

John nodded. “Yes, sir, I do.”

Jack frowned. “Really?”

John gave a definite nod. “Yeah.”

“You're sure?” Jack asked.

“Hey, come on!” Rodney complained.

“I'm just making sure,” Jack said. “Well, in that case, by the power foolishly vested in me by Thor, I pronounce you both totally screwed.”

“Come on, sir,” John said, rolling his eyes.

“And married! Mazal tov!” Jack declared. “You may kiss the...”

John found himself being grabbed and kissed hard before he could start panicking about the whole being married thing. Rodney was holding him tight, his mouth hungrily pulling kisses from John, until John relaxed and let his hands drift up to hold Rodney's face.

“Thor. Are you crying?” John heard behind him.

“I have something in my eye, O'Neill.”

“Sure you do. Hey, happy couple. I'm not going to have to hose you down, am I?”

“O'Neill, let them have their moment.”

“I'm all for the moment. I just don't want to be here when it turns into a naked moment. How about we all go home?”

“You have not paid for your purchase.”

“Whose fault is that?”

“This is not a time for recrimination, O'Neill. It is a time to celebrate.”

“It is time... to go.”

John opened his eyes and slowly pulled back from Rodney. They stood there still holding on to each other, Rodney's arms around John and John's hands falling from Rodney's face to his jacket.

“Hey,” John said.

Rodney gave a smile. “Hi.”

John frowned then, something feeling odd, and looked away. He stepped back from Rodney, surprised to find them both standing in the kitchen of Rodney's parents' house.

Rodney gave a smug smile. “Some kiss, eh?”

John gave Rodney a playful shove back, rolling his eyes and then suddenly realizing that he could hear music flowing in from the back yard.

He pointed at the door. “Hear that?”

Rodney went to the window and peered out, his mouth falling open. “There's dancing! They went ahead with the reception, can you believe it?”

John shrugged, heading to the fridge and nosing around for something to eat. “Hey, if it got us out of the first dance, I'm not complaining.”

“Well, has it occurred to you that some of us might have liked the whole first dance thing?” Rodney asked.

John frowned, turkey leg half-way to his mouth. “Really?”

Rodney shrugged. “Well, no, but that's not the point. That's our wedding reception they're all having. Predictably, Dad looks completely wasted.”

John joined Rodney at the window, enjoying his turkey leg and looking at the dancing couples. “Mom looks mellow. She's definitely drunk.”

“We should be drunk. It's not fair we're sober.” Rodney noticed the turkey leg. “Hey, where did you get that?”

“Fridge,” John said, pulling it away from Rodney's greedy fingers. “Hey, this is mine, get your own.”

“We're married. There's no such thing as mine anymore,” Rodney said, grabbing John's wrist and trying to guide the drumstick to his own mouth, not succeeding but making John laugh amidst the struggle anyway.

They ended up kissing against the sink, the drumstick falling to the floor. Rodney was sucking on John's greasy fingers as John made a face and laughed when Carson walked in.

“Oh, there you are,” Carson said brightly.

Rodney rolled his eyes and sighed, turning away from John, but not removing his arm from around John's waist. “You ever think of knocking?”

“To go into a kitchen, Rodney? No, not really.”

Rodney let go of John and took a place next to him, folding his arms. “Everyone made it back okay?”

Carson nodded. “Aye. They're all out there wondering when you're getting back. Elizabeth also explained to your parents that Colonel Mitchell's just an old jealous boyfriend and Colonel Sheppard here's trying to fix the situation with you.”

John smiled. “Cool.”

“Now all that remains is for you two to finally tie the knot,” Carson said.

“Oh, we already did,” Rodney announced with a grin. “On Thor's ship.”

Carson snorted. “Right. Sure you did.”

“No, seriously, we did. We're married,” John explained.

Carson laughed. “Right you are.”

“Carson, we're not lying. We're married. General O'Neill married us,” Rodney said.

Carson shook his head. “Rodney, there's no point. We all know how skittish you both are and Elizabeth's not going to rest until she's seen you both get married. You know, for the next ceremony, she was thinking about white suits.”

“Over my dead body!” John said.

“And I'll be using his dead body as a shield!” Rodney said.

Carson frowned. “Well, it's not my idea.”

“There's not going to be another wedding, Carson. We've done it once, it's not happening again,” Rodney said.

John pointed at Rodney. “What he said.”

“Well, good luck explaining to the others,” Carson said, picking up a few champagne glasses from the table and leaving.

“This is ridiculous. They can't make us get married again,” John said. “They can't make us do anything we don't want to.”

Rodney looked at John with a pained expression. “Who are you kidding? Do you even remember us talking about marriage? This is all their fault. They brainwashed us into this somehow. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of branding you so everyone can see you belong to me, but I can really do without the whole wedding thing.”

“Keep talking and you'll be headed for a divorce as your wedding gift,” John said.

“I'm just saying, I can't do this all again. Not without getting an ulcer.”

“Well, it's not going to happen,” John said resolutely. “We've got to put our foot down. No more weddings. This, is it.”

John and Rodney were kneeling on a large padded cushion, wearing dark ceremonial wraps and heavy black tunics, matching pouts on their mouths. Their faces had been decorated first, eyes being darkened and tiny words being imprinted under their mouths before ceremonial masks were placed over their faces, their hands being bound together before the tribal dancers began their marriage dance in front of the couple.

Special smoke was wafted over them, holy water sprinkled at them. The dancers sang loud and over each other, dancing to the rhythm of the drums under a starry night sky and in front of a huge fire.

Elizabeth smiled and bumped her shoulder against Teyla's. “You know, it's pure luck these people are offering to give us a ZPM in exchange for a public declaration of how strong bonds are to our people.”

Teyla smiled. “They believe very strongly in their rituals. I just wish Rodney and John would look a little happier.”

Elizabeth nodded. “Well, it's not every day you get married.”

- the end -