Meerkat Apocalypse (The B Movie That Never Got Made)
11.07.09 | 15 | RPF/Gen | 6,426 words
Summary: The Star Trek crew meet a deadly nemesis.
Warnings: May make you dumb.
Spoilers: I really don't think any of these events have transpired or will do in the lives of the people these characters are based on :D
Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction. These are not the actors you are looking for.
This is a true story. Names, locations and situations have been changed to protect survivors and meerkats alike. If you do not recall the future events that take place in this story, it is possible you got off at the wrong reality. Go back and take a left.
***
The end of the world came precisely after a night of post-premier partying. The last of the Star Trek trilogy had been let loose on the world and the actors off their leashes to be typecast in other roles or at least until Chris Pine (and secretly Zachary Quinto too) got his wish to star in a remake of Sling Blade.
"I got a script for a buddy cop movie yesterday," Zach said with slightly drunken calm.
"Yeah?" Chris asked, sprawled in the back seat of the limousine.
Zach nodded morosely. "They wanted me for the role of the uptight FBI agent who has to team up with a cocky arrogant cop. At the beginning they don't get on, but by the end they're like BFFs."
Chris pulled a face. "Really?"
Zach nodded. "Totally."
"No, I mean, did you really just say BFFs?" Zach made a frustrated sound and sank lower into the seats. "Also, I got that script too."
Zach frowned at Chris. "Really?"
"Who do you think was going to play the cocky arrogant cop?"
"I was hoping Brad Pitt," Zach said quietly. Chris narrowed his eyes at his friend until Zach said, "Did I say Brad Pitt? I meant Angelina Jolie." Zach frowned at Chris. "You think they actually thought we wouldn't notice we were essentially reprising our roles as Spock and Kirk?"
Chris shrugged. "Hollywood."
"Hollywood," Zach intoned slowly.
That was when the limo came to an abrupt stop, which was timely since Zach was getting that depressed-drunk look about him. Chris frowned at Zach before knocking on the partition window. There was no response, just Chris's own face looking back in confusion in the reflection on the blacked out glass, while Zach looked a little puzzled next to him.
Zach flipped the intercom switch and said, "Hello, Mr. Driver, why have we stopped in the middle of--" he looked at Chris and dropped his voice to up the drama, "no.... where?"
Again no answer. Chris stared at the glass some more before muttering, "Christ. He's probably had a heart attack or something."
He opened limo door stepped out, Zach following and telling him, "Most people don't slow down to have a heart attack, Christopher. Probably because they're pretty traditional about cardiac arrest and slowing down and switching off the engine just to let your heart explode is a little too progressive maybe."
Chris wasn't listening. He was staring at the man in the driving seat. The driver was sitting utterly still, as if in a trance. There was a light pointed at his head, a bright white spot light. Chris and Zach both turned towards the light.
"What the hell is that?"
"I will be so pissed off if we get punked right now, really," Zach said, making a face at the light.
"Dude, there's something out there," Chris said, shielding his eyes from the glare, but trying to look at the same time.
Zach frowned at the light. "It's... I think it's moving."
Chris stared. "Fast."
"In this direction."
"Zach?"
"Yeah?"
"Run," Chris yelled, grabbing Zach's arm and dragging him off the road, both of them falling back into a hedge.
Chris quickly straightened up as Zach sat up at his side and adjusted his glasses, just in time to witness the huge saucer that suddenly seemed to appear around the light. It hovered over the limo before practically slurping the car into a beam of light and into a small hole in its underside. Then it whizzed away as if it had never been there, leaving two witnesses in a hedge, staring up at the dark sky.
"I swear, if I see Ashton Kutcher in the next few minutes, he's so dead," Zach said.
***
"I... just... man, this changes everything. I mean, shit," Chris mumbled as the dawn finally broke and they were back within the city limits. "Fucking aliens, man. Aliens."
There was silence. No refusal or agreement, just condemning silence. Chris turned to look at Zach whose tie was now undone, top shirt buttons opened and tux all dustied. He looked pretty annoyed.
"What?" Chris asked.
"There are no aliens, Chris," he said quietly and most seriously. "Okay? No aliens."
Chris smiled and nodded. "Okay. Where's the limo?"
Zach seemed to bristle at this. "Maybe we were so drunk, there never was a limo."
"Sure, that seems logical."
"Do I look like I have freaking pointy ears?" Zach asked, throwing his hands up in frustration. "Chris, we're actors. We can't... this is... ALIENS!!"
"We saw an alien ship!" Chris said, pointing at Zach.
"You take that back!" Zach shouted.
"This changes everything!"
"Only if you're a Scientologist," Zach snapped.
Chris was stopped from yelling back when Zach's pocket beeped. Chris looked in shock, staring at the pocket in question. "You said your phone was dead."
"Clearly you imagined this along with a lot of other things."
"Give me the phone."
"No."
"Give. Me. The phone."
"I am not letting you commit career suicide, Chris."
Chris made a grab for Zach. They shuffled about uselessly for a while, Chris getting no closer to the phone. He finally got fed up and snapped, "Will you at least answer the god-damn thing?"
"Fine. Just, stay where you are. And keep your hands where I can see them," Zach said pointing at Chris.
Chris looked around the... pretty empty street actually as he gave Zach half-hearted jazz hands of compliance. Zach was answering the phone when Chris realised the street wasn't pretty empty as much as completely empty. He kept turning around on the spot to get a 360 view of the place. No way should he and Zach have been able to stand in the middle of an intersection without getting run over.
"Zach," Chris said quietly.
"One second," Zach said before getting back on the phone.
"This is important," Chris said slowly.
"Yeah, just a second, man," Zach continued.
Chris whipped around and glared. "Where are all the people?"
Zach frowned at Chris, but then his eyes were widening and Chris could tell he was noticing the same thing before his attention was back to the caller on the phone. He nodded mutely and clicked the phone shut.
"What?" Chris asked.
"Well," Zach said quietly. "I don't think our revelation about witnessing the extra-terrestrial eat our limo and limo driver is going to be quite as career damaging as I had previously imagined."
And as if proof was needed, a swarm of saucers flew over their heads and the empty city as Chris stared and replied, "No shit, Sherlock."
***
Zach had quickly moved on from shock and anger and reached some next level of hysteria as he walked beside Chris, laughing and shaking his head.
Chris stared at him. "What is so funny?"
Zach grinned. "Seriously? You don't see it?"
"See what?"
"This," Zach said. "Really, what are the odds? Of all the career-ending scenarios you try and prepare for, it's fucking aliens? Really, who does that even happen to?"
Chris stared some more. "Am I going to have to slap you or something?"
Zach sighed, instantly morose. "I'm good." Both men came to a stop outside their hotel. "You really think anyone's left inside?"
Chris gave the building an uneasy look. "We can't be the last two people here. That's just crazy."
"I dunno. The boundaries of what the word crazy actually means have broadened considerably in the last few hours," Zach commented flatly. Chris rolled his eyes and pulled Zach inside.
***
The hotel was empty. It was as if people had just been taken from the spots where they stood, their belongings left behind. Chris had managed to kick open Zoë's door, only to find the room empty. After searching the bedroom and then the bathroom, and then her suitcases just to be sure she wasn't in them, he returned to find Zach sitting in front of the TV, eating expensive nuts and drinking one of the many bottles from the mini-bar, all of them now in his lap.
"Unfuckingbelievable," Zach muttered, clicking the remote and knocking back a mini-whiskey. He stopped over what had to be a re-run of some of movie show. "Can you believe this? Iron Man 3 is still number one. Unfuckingbelievable." Chris gave Zach a look. "It's exactly the same as the other two," Zach explained before flailing, "Our characters grew and shit!"
Chris nodded. "You do make a compelling argument."
"Seriously? There's an alien invasion and you two want to sit around in my hotel room dissing Robert Downy Jnr?"
Chris whipped around to see a disapproving Zoë. "Zoë! Thank god."
Zach got up and said, "It's the same as the other two."
"You're forgetting one important detail, Zach. The man is hot. Like fire, okay?"
Zach snorted. "Sure, if by hot you mean short, and by fire you mean oompa loompa, I totally agree with you." He turned to Chris who was grinning and they used the moment for a high-five.
"I will slap you both so hard," Zoë said.
"No biggie. Chris is into that kind of thing," Zach said, knocking back another small bottle.
Chris frowned, thinking it over and then nodded. "I am. I think it shows my vulnerable side. It says, I'm not afraid to cry."
Zoë sighed. "Why couldn't I be stuck with Karl? He'd know what to do."
"He would," Chris said with a smile. "Karl's awesome."
Zach sighed. "Everybody loves Karl." Chris and Zoë looked at Zach. "Except for me," he amended. "I'm all about Angelina Jolie."
Zoë waved a hand at him and rolled her eyes. "Guys, what are we going to do?"
Chris shrugged and fell onto the couch in a heap next to Zach. "I dunno."
"I'm tired," Zach said, easily relinquishing his hold on a mini-bottle of booze Chris was taking from him.
Zoë stared at them. "I'm going to check out the rest of the building. See if there's anyone left upstairs. You two? You two sit here and be useless."
"I'm on it," Chris said.
"Bring food," Zach added.
"Big damn heroes," Zoë muttered as she left.
***
It was around noon that Zach saw the glowing visage that was Karl Urban, the sun shining behind his head like a halo around his longish hair and stubbled features.
"Karl? Why are you in my dream?" Zach asked, blinking.
"He's not," Simon said, popping into view with a bounce while Karl frowned behind him.
Zach yelped loud enough to wake Chris, who jerked up into a sitting position, groggily asking, "We there yet?"
Zach yelled in his ear, "Wake up!"
"What the hell, man!" Chris snapped grouchily.
"You know, I thought I was relaxed, but the chuckle brothers here are actually napping through the end of the world," Karl said, shaking his head.
"It's been a rough night, Karl," Chris said with a sigh as Zach stood up and stretched.
"It's not every night one sees one's ride being sucked into the ass end of a spaceship. Why does your hair smell like watermelon?" Zach asked, peering at Karl.
"And what do you do to make it so wavy?" Chris asked.
Karl grabbed Simon and shoved him in front of the other two men. "Tell them."
"We are in serious poo right now," Simon said with a nod.
"Poo?" Chris said, making a face that was identical to the one Zach was making next to him.
"Yes," Simon said slowly. "Poo. If poo was like a defcon level, it would probably be the top level and right now it would be hitting a fan of some sort."
"Wait," Chris said. "Worse than alien invasion poo?"
"Oh, you know about the invasion," Simon said. "Well, that's really only half of the poo."
"You don't seem so worried," Zach said thoughtfully.
"I'm British," Simon said. "We're not really good at that kind of thing. Plus I've had about twenty cups of tea so I'm coping fairly well right now."
Chris was nodding. "Okay. And what's the other half?"
"It's the aliens," Simon said, looking a little more worried than any British person had the right to look. "They're kind of... how do I put this delicately?" He turned to Karl.
"They like hunting and torturing people," Karl said. "Nasty little fuckers."
Simon nodded in agreement. "Oh yeah, total fuckers."
Zach was getting his frown on now. He lifted a finger and narrowed his eyes at Simon and Karl. "One question. When you say... little."
Simon looked at Karl, mouth slightly open. Then he turned and said, "Um. Well, they're kind of like meerkats."
Karl nodded. "Yeah, about knee high, furry, grinning little arseholes."
Chris folded his arms and took a deep breath as he contemplated not being offensive. "Is there a chance that maybe you might have accidentally seen some meerkats and panicked a little?"
Zach started to laugh next to Chris. "Oh my God. That would be so funny if the human race wasn't on the brink of annihilation, I swear."
"Funny? Really? Well, do you think that's funny?" Simon asked, pointing at something behind Chris and Zach.
They both turned and what they saw... well, it was more confusing than anything. A meerkat-like thing in a spacesuit looking at them all with beady eyes.
Suddenly it dawned on Chris as he poked Zach in the arm. "Oh my god. I totally get it. It's J.J. This has to be a stunt for the movie or something."
"Bugger," Karl said, "better get ready."
Chris frowned. "Get ready for what?"
And then suddenly a meerkat was flying through the air, right at him, only Karl pushed Chris to the ground in a very runny jumpy manly fashion, covering him, while Simon extracted a baseball bat out of nowhere and batted the oncoming meerkat-alien right through the window.
"He won't be bothering us again," Simon said with a nod. Then he shuddered and pulled a face.
"Chris? You all right?" Karl asked. Chris nodded mutely. "Okay. Want to let go of me, mate?"
Chris shook his head adamantly, but Karl just stood up with Chris clinging like a limpet, while Zach pulled him off, extracting his tense claw like grip from Karl's arms.
Chris made a strangled noise and said, "...the fuck was that?!"
Simon looked confused as he pointed at the window. "What we were talking about. You know, the little fuckers."
"We're being invaded by fucking meerkats?" Zach asked.
"Oh my god," Chris said. "Zoë. She's out there. She might not even know about these little bastards. We have to find her. Now."
Chris ran out of the room while everyone watched in surprise. A minute later he reappeared and said, "The hell I'm going on my own."
***
It was easy finding Zoë. All they had to do was follow the sound of horrified squeals and shrieks. They all burst into a huge hall with upturned tables and mini-fires. In the middle was Zoë, striking an attack-ready pose before the meerkat aliens flew at her from all directions and she fended them off with chops and kicks.
"That guy looks a lot like Karl," Zach said slowly as they hid behind a fern and watched a man enter the fray.
"Yeah," Chris said. "And that guy looks like Simon." They watched the man catch many a meerkat with his baseball bat.
Chris and Zach frowned, looked at each other then at the empty space behind them and sighed.
Then... everybody was Kung Fu fighting.
***
More survivors of the meerkat apocalypse emerged once the fighting stopped. Chris was now doubled over and trying to get some air in his lungs, Zach lying flat at his feet, legs splayed. Meanwhile, people were queueing to thank and hug Karl.
"Karl is so awesome," Chris said, grimacing as he felt over his ribs where a meerkat had head-butted him with his little round space helmet. "Did you see him?"
"He's like a meerkat killing machine," Zach said, blinking in Karl's direction.
"Did you know he could Kung Fu?"
"Dude, that was not Kung Fu. That was Karl Fu." Zach's hand shot up for a high-five and Chris obliged despite how much everything hurt. Karl was worth it.
Then Zach reached up a hand and Chris pulled him to his feet, before pulling him along to where Zoë was totally basking in Karl's glory and Simon was trying to be discreet about the whole basking thing.
"This wasn't all me," Karl was telling Zoë and Simon, gesturing to the fallen meerkats. "You were fighting too, you bloody lunatics."
"Is that like an Ozzie term of endearment?" Simon asked with a grin.
Karl screwed up his face. "I'm from New Zealand!"
"That's not in Australia?" Chris asked. When Karl glared he grinned and shrugged. "I'm kidding."
Karl's shoulders slumped in defeat. He didn't even bother extracting Zoë from where she had wrapped herself around his manly arm.
"God, like you're totally all over him, Zoë," Zach said, looking as though he found it utterly distasteful.
"Shut up, Zachary," Zoë said, making a face.
Chris frowned. "I wonder if the meerkats have done something to make everyone stupid."
"No, you've all pretty much been this annoying from day one," Karl said.
"Zach even before that," Chris pointed out. Zach pointed a finger at Chris's head and made a buzzing noise. Chris frowned. "I still have no idea what that means."
EARTHINLINGS! HULLO!
Everyone stilled. Chris knew that he had just had a loud thought in capital letters, but that didn't explain why everyone else was paying attention.
"What the hell was that?" asked Zach.
WE, THE APAI LEADO, COMMUNICATE TO YOU NOW, FRU YO BRAIN. PLEASE ATTEND!
"Capital letters, that's just rude," Simon said.
TONITE WE LAND IN YO PLYCES, AND WE EMPTY PLANT OF YO REMAINING. SORRY FOR INCONVENIENCE!
"Plant?" Zoë asked.
"I think they meant planet," Karl said.
ALSO, IF YO ARE WISH TO SEE YO EMMINENT LEADO, GATHER IN YO CENTRAL GREEN IN YORK OF NU. SEE YO SOON, BYEE!
Everyone was left staring at each other. Simon spoke first, clearly confused. "That was a weird accent."
Zach rolled his eyes and said. "They're from another planet and talking inside our heads."
Karl frowned. "So?"
"I don't know," Zach said flatly. "I'm confused and hungry and wearing yesterday's clothes. There's a lot about my life that's suddenly stopped making sense. Except for you, Karl. You continue to be a grounding force in my, nay, all our lives."
Everyone nodded in agreement.
Karl nodded back and said, "Next time, I fight with the rat people."
***
After much debate about who had agreed with Karl's interpretation first, it was accepted that the meerkat leader would be giving an audience in Central Park. Now there was just one thing that didn't make sense.
"Where did you get those clothes?" Zoë asked as they all walked down a deserted street.
Chris and Zach looked a little caught out in their semi-casual youthful yet stylish through the ages looks.
Chris looked confused. "Didn't I wear these to the premier last night?"
Karl shook his head. "You stole them, didn't you?"
"Don't be mad, Karl, we're just crazy kids in a crazy world," Zach said earnestly.
"Got the crazy part right," Karl said.
"Actually, that's not what I was talking about when I said something doesn't make sense," Simon said. "My question is, why are we going towards the clearly psychotic meerkats instead of the opposite direction?"
Everyone came to a stop at the same time and looked at Karl.
"That's a good question," Chris said. "Karl?"
"Tell them you're not going to do something attractively heroic and get us all killed in the process, Karl. That kind of thing could come between us," Zach said. Karl said nothing. He just looked manly and stubborn. Zach glared at him, grabbing him by the front of his shirt. "You don't care, do you, Karl? Don't care if we need you. You just want to be a hero. Damn you, Karl. Damn you."
Zoë hugged Karl tighter. "Karl, no!"
Chris took a hold of Karl's manly arm. "Come on, man. You can't take them on. Not on your own."
Simon offered up his weapon. "You can take my bat if you like. It's some got some teeth marks there. Don't know where they came from actually. They were there before I used it on the aliens. Weird though, isn't it? Why would someone be chewing on a bat?"
"I think you're talking British again," Chris said, staring at him.
Simon nodded and smiled. Then he shook his head and said, "Still have no idea what you mean by that."
Meanwhile, Karl was peeling both Zach and Zoë off of himself. "Look," he said, "if everyone heard that transmission, there's a good chance what's left of the police and military might be headed that way too."
"Shouldn't we be avoiding them?" Zoë asked. "I don't think they like actors. Well, any minority group."
Karl stuck out his chin stubbornly. "I want to see the rat king."
"What?" Zoë frowned at him.
"Look, if he's coming here and ending everything... I have to see what's so special about this little furry bastard."
"Are you out of your damn fool mind?" Chris asked.
"We're actors, not morons!" Zach added.
"Karl, you can't," Zoë said. "If we're the last of the humans we have to work on re-populating the Earth." Everyone stared at Zoë. She shrugged and said, "What?
"I'm with Zoë on this," Zach said with a nod.
Simon looked confused so Chris asked him, "What?"
Simon shook his head. "Still trying to figure out the logistics."
Chris shook his head. "Don't."
Simon nodded. "Nice one."
Karl sighed. "Look, you can all stay here and hide and be actors--"
"Yep, loving that idea," Chris said with a nod.
"But I'm going," Karl said, walking off.
And that was that. Of course no one was so infatuated with Karl Urban that they would actually follow him to their certain doom.
***
Night came quickly. Mostly because everyone had done their utmost best to dissuade Karl from becoming one of those stupid characters in movies who die in stupid ways. Oh yeah, they totally did go after him. Didn't even wait five minutes.
They were waiting around near the entrance of the park, mostly hoping that Karl would change his mind about going in and getting them all killed. Zoë was keeping a firm eye on him, while Simon was watching for meerkats. Zach was watching a talking bush. Well, a rustling hedge.
"Hey, there's someone over there," he said, going to check it out with Chris left standing wondering where the other man had disappeared. "Hey, guy, what are you doing?" Zach asked when he spotted the crouching man.
The man in question sprung up in shock, staring at Zach before he quite clearly recognised him, "Oh my God! Spock!"
Out of nowhere he suddenly pulled out a huge camera and took a picture, the flash so bright that it sent Zach backwards, heels over ass. Chris came running at the bulb explosion.
"Hey!" he snapped.
The hedge guy turned to him. "Oh my God! Kirk!"
He was about to take another picture, but Chris smacked the camera from his had and said, "Stop it. How old is that thing anyway? Do they even make those anymore?"
"I borrowed it from a museum," hedge-guy answered with annoyance. "So, Kirk, you spend a lot of time hanging out in parks at night?"
Chris watched the guy take out a notebook, pen at the ready. "Seriously? We're in the middle of an alien invasion and you want to take pictures and ask stupid questions?"
"As long as there are humans there will always be interest in the inane and it don't get more inane then Star Trek 90210," hedge-guy said with a huffy snort.
Chris frowned into the clearing past the hedges. "Oh my God... that's... what the hell is Brad Pitt doing here?"
The hedge guy turned around, excited and bouncy. Chris stepped back and gave him a huge kick in the pants, sending him into the clearing where the meerkats decided to use him as a bouncy castle. Then Chris reached down and grabbed Zach by the shoulder, pulling him up.
Zach blinked several times and frowned. "What happened? There was a light."
"Aliens," Chris said flatly.
Zach noticed the meerkats nearby beating up on a guy. "Shouldn't we help him?"
"Paparazzi," Chris with a nod.
Zach nodded. "One sec," he said before crouching on the ground and groping around for something. When he stood up he had a rock in his hand.
"Stop it", Chris said, taking the rock from him and pointing him towards Simon and Zoë. Zach skulked off and Chris followed after he threw the rock at hedge-guy.
"Look at him," Zoë said when they got back to see Karl sharpening a knife on a slab of concrete he had broken out of the sidewalk. "So rugged. And fearless. And fearlessly rugged. Ruggedly fearless. They just don't make'em like that anymore."
"Totally," Simon said, taking a bite from one of the muffins Chris and Zach had borrowed from a deserted bakery. Yes, they didn't let the play on words slip past them.
"He's going to get himself killed, that ridiculously handsome man," Zach said.
Chris nodded. "I agree with Zach. Especially the part about him being ridiculously handsome."
"Yeah," Simon said. "It's not normal, is it?"
"I can hear you all, you know," Karl said, giving them all a bemused look.
"Sorry, Karl. Here, have my muffin," Zoë said snatching Simon's muffin and holding it out.
Karl shook his head. "No, it's almost time. We have to get moving." He started off without waiting to see if anyone would follow.
"You know," Zach said thoughtfully, "the fact that he's going to get us all killed by a bunch of rodents is almost taking the shine off of how awesome he is." Simon, Zoë and Chris gasped. Zach rolled his eyes. "I said almost."
***
"Where is everyone?" Karl asked an hour later, as he looked around. "You'd think the place would be packed."
"Well, if you break it up into people who have already been slaughtered by the aliens and those who are shit scared and hiding, actually this looks about right," Simon said.
Karl looked disappointed. He had no idea people weren't as awesome as him. It was a sad thing. But there was no time to console him, no matter how much his friends wanted to, as just then a spinning saucer descended from the sky, flattening a recently pretty area of the park. Everyone jumped into nearby hedges, with the exception of Karl who was caught in the glare of the bright lights.
For a long time, nothing happened. Then a hatch opened, lowering into a bridge, down which a bunch of meerkat aliens made an appearance, dressed in silver jumpsuits with round glass helmets. One of them had a distinctly different swagger to the rest.
"Keffe! Where are my people?" he asked.
The meerkat next to him sighed. "They are dead or hiding, my liege."
"Hide? From me?" the leader meerkat looked most alarmed. "But I am so nice!"
His second in command seemed to peer at him in a rather unamused fashion. "You just trashed their planet."
The leader laughed, tickled. "Keffe! They don't mind! It's just little me!"
"Yeah, we do mind as it happens, mate!" Karl said.
The meerkats gasped when they noticed him. The little leader took a few tentative steps forward, looking suspicious yet intrigued. "Yes please, who are you?"
"I'm one of the people that just happen to mind you trashing my planet," Karl said.
The leader shuffled back, bringing up his hands to hide his mouth as he spoke. "Keffe, this human is making me feel very uncomfortable."
"I can still hear you. You're broadcasting loud and clear," Karl said. "And why are you making more sense now then you did when I heard your transmission inside my head?"
"You are primitive," the leader said, waving a hand. "Your brain is too stupid to comprehend our ways and fashions."
Karl frowned. It was odd to meet someone who didn't think he was awesome.
Meanwhile...
"He's doing pretty well so far," Simon said. "I mean, they haven't killed him or started chewing on his kneecaps yet."
"Those aliens don't know what's coming," Zoë said, so very sure she was about to see a meerkat massacre.
"Yeah, Karl versus technology. Karl wins, every time," Zach said.
Chris tilted his head and looked at his friends. "Do you ever thing that maybe we're blinded by Karl's awesomeness a little too much sometimes?"
Zach felt Chris's forehead with the back of his hand. "No fever. You're probably just insane."
Chris agreed with this is went back to watching Karl and the meerkats.
"Look, why does it have to be Earth?"
"It's so pretty!" the leader meerkat said with a big happy grin. "And we are so small and cute and would have much space to run and frolic!"
"Yeah? What about the people who were already running and frolicking here?" Karl asked.
"Not as cute. And most of them are dead now?" the leader replied before turning to his second in command and not so discreetly whispering, "Earthlings, not very bright."
"What about the rest of the people of this planet?" Karl asked. "Where are they supposed to go?"
The meerkat laughed. "Don't worry about them!"
"Oh?"
"Yes, they will be dead soon," the leader said with a smile.
Karl nodded sombrely and his friends in the bush knew something bad was about to happen. "Well," he said, "I had to ask."
"Keffe, I am not liking his tone. I think something bad is about to happen."
"I told you we should have gone to that other place," Keffe said "But no, I'm King Juapo, I'm young and I'm spoilt and I'm just going to do whatever I want."
"Keffe, may I remind you I am married to your sister?"
"You threatening her, Juapo?" Keffe asked.
"No, I am threatening you. She doesn't like it when you bully me like this, Keffe," Juapo said smoothly.
"I hate you," Keffe said.
"Hey! Disgruntled human here!" Karl said when others would just flee.
"Oh yes," Juapo said. "Prepare to die, Earthling."
Karl whipped out the big knife he had hidden up his sleeve. "Yeah. Let's all prepare to do that."
In the bushes, someone, or a few someones may have gasped at the low gravelly way Karl's suicidal threat was made. The meerkat leader screamed like a baby girl meerkat, clinging to Keffe's side.
"My sister is such an idiot," Keffe said with a sigh. Then he clicked his meerkat fingers and said, "Kill him."
Meerkats seemed to emerge out of the ship almost immediately. In their little silver spacesuits and helmets they had surrounded Karl in no time, but he stood fearless, ready to take them down with him.
"No! Karl!"
Zach ran out of the bushes and shielded Karl, arms outstretched, while Karl frowned behind him. Karl would have asked 'what the hell?' but all the meerkats around him screamed and stopped. Keffe and Juapo were cowering. They were all pointing at Zach and whispering.
"What are they whispering?" Chris asked Zoë and Simon as they still hid in the bushes.
"No way," Simon said. "No. Way."
"What?" Zoë asked.
"Sylar!" Juapo said, wide-eyed and cowering. "It cannot be."
Zach frowned, his arms dropping to his sides. "Huh?"
"You are he. We have seen the broadcasts," Keffe said.
"My brain! My beautiful brain!" Juapo screamed, his little hands plastered to his glass helmet. "Please, don't eat my brain."
Zach glared. "Okay, like, does anyone watch beyond season one?" Karl punched him in one of his kidneys. "I mean, YES! It is I! Sylar."
The meerkats shrieked in unison. "What will you do?" Keffe asked.
Zach took a few steps and slowly and dramatically pointed at Juapo who screamed some more. "You know what happens next."
"Please! No! I will give you anything!" Juapo promised. He grabbed Keffe and pushed him forward. "Here! Take him! He is well versed in many things. Many naughty things."
"I will beat you!" Keffe said, pushing Juapo.
"What's a little voluntary whoring between friends, Keffe?" Juapo asked politely before turning to Zach and saying, "Please, anything, Mister Sylar."
Zach lowered his hand. "Fine," he said in a raspy murderous voice. "I want you to go from here and never come back." Juapo was nodding wildly. "Go. And tell everyone what you have seen here. Tell them, this planet is protected by... SYYYYY-Lar. And throw in a few monuments that make me look good."
There was a final shriek before the meerkats seemed to pop into invisibility. Seconds later their ship was gone, followed by other lights in the sky, retreating spacecraft.
"That was the most intense scene ever," Zach said as Karl spun him around and landed a huge manly bear hug on him.
***
As Karl embraced Zach, an ancient flash bulb had gone off nearby, capturing the moment. In the days to come when the presses would start running again, a story would be printed. A story about Zach and Karl's meerkat ritual dance which (allegedly) ended in gay things. In lieu of the many missing judge type folks, the writer of the story would eventually award himself a Pulitzer, followed by an Oscar and three Grammys.
***
They all went back to the hotel in the morning, totally not stealing stuff from the abandoned stores that happened to be on the way. No, they were merely borrowing. At the hotel, the TV channels were beginning report the retreat of the aliens as well as grieve the loss of the politicians, lawyers and other criminals of the world.
"To think people say TV is a bad thing," Karl said, shaking his head and drinking his beer as he relaxed on the bed.
"Well, it is bad for you," Simon said, sprawled on the couch where next to him Chris was engrossed in the show on the TV. "You know, if you're a meerkat. Or a bit thick."
Karl gave a thoughtful nod. He had been much more agreeable now the meerkats were gone and he was on his third beer.
Zoë sat slumped on the end of the bed. "Doesn't matter if the aliens are gone. The world's going to be a different place now. Now we know we're not alone."
"Well, we weren't really alone to begin with," Simon said. "I mean, you know, we had each other. And some humans are practically alien anyway." Zoë gave him a morose nod. Simon smiled and offered her a stolen cupcake which made her smile a little too.
"Hey, guys, what's up?" John asked, walking into the room with Anton at his side. "You been out there? It's deserted."
Everyone stared at the pair who were still dressed in their suits from the premier, only the shirts were untucked, missing buttons and like the rest of their clothes looked as though they'd wrestled a giant gorilla.
"What?" Anton asked.
"Where were you guys? I looked everywhere for you. I thought you were dead," Zoë said.
John pulled a face. "Dead? Hey, I don't party that hard. Though we were pretty smashed. And Anton lost his pants."
Anton grinned. "It was awesome. Acting rocks."
Simon looked aghast. "You only missed an alien invasion, you muppets." He thought about this for a moment and added, "Lucky bastards."
Anton laughed. "Yeah, right."
"It's true," Karl said. "It's why the place is like a ghost town out there."
"Oh my god," Anton said, knowing that Karl simply would not lie. Like ever. He was too awesome.
John blinked. "Serious? Well... what happened? Where are they now?"
"They left," Simon said looking at the television. "Ran off with their tails between their legs."
"Really?" Anton said. He grinned at Karl, like he knew. "How'd you do it, Karl?"
Karl drank the rest of his beer as Zoë answered. "It wasn't Karl. It was a creepy guy who eats brains."
"Seriously! Does anyone ever watch beyond season one?" Zach yelled from the bathroom.
Chris looked at Simon, pointing at the TV. "I kind of preferred it when I thought he was eating brains."
Simon had his thinky frown on again. "I don't get it. What the hell did the cheerleader ever have to do with saving the world?"
Chris shrugged. "The world needs cheerleaders."
Simon had to agree with that. It was most infallible logic. "Especially now."
Zach walked out of the bathroom and looked at the TV screen with a sigh. "I hope Sendhil made it out alive in all this. The world needs that kind of bone structure."
Chris eyed the TV. "I hope the cheerleader made it."
And thus, they all discussed their shows, ate pizza and got very drunk, possible even had sexy shenanigans, who knows.
As the days wore on, the phones began to work, the people began to emerge and they all knew Earth would survive.
At least until the sun went supernova. But that's the story of another invasion.
***
On a hilltop somewhere, Leonard Nimoy watched over the serenity of the land, whispering, "And so it continues, the cosmic dance."
Next to him, Bill nodded and smoked his cigar. "Sure does." He stilled for a moment and frowned. "What does that mean exactly? I mean, does it mean something or is it you being all you again. Also, rat aliens? Where is the fairness in that I ask you? A man doesn't want to get probed by a little beaver. It's just not right."
"Bill?" Leonard said.
Bill lifted his brows. "Leonard?"
Leonard reached out and applied the Vulcan pinch and Bill was blissfully receptive towards all of Leonard's vague observations for the next hour.
***
Sendhil was pronounced missing on Earth and spent the remainder of his life on the meerkat planet, where he was worshipped for his bone structure and spent much time confused about all the statues of Zachary Quinto.
- the end -
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